Vote, You Bastards

Posted in Uncategorized on December 2nd, 2011 by bl1y

Here’s what you do, you go over to the ABA Blawg 100, and then you register to vote. It just requires entering a name, e-mail, and a password. There isn’t the annoying step of waiting for a confirmation e-mail and all that (which also means you don’t have to give them your real e-mail, if you’re worried about getting spammed).

Then, go to the For Fun category, and vote for Constitutional Daily.

That’s all.

Now go do it, you bastards, before I kill myself out of lack of love.

Legal Reasoning Redux #4

Posted in Uncategorized on November 30th, 2011 by bl1y

Little Value Added

I was going to start this off by saying you shouldn’t go to law school because there’s no value added, but I figured that was too much hyperbole, and in today’s world, defenders of the law school system (ie: professors) like to dismiss any argument that is in the slightest bit off point rather than giving them the benefit of a savings clause, because, as we know, law professors aren’t neutral arbiters of the value of law school, they are advocates.

Anyways, little value added. It’s long been accepted that law school doesn’t prepare you to immediately practice law. It merely supposes to prepare you to learn how to practice law. It doesn’t prepare you for the bar exam either. Sure, some of your classes may be relevant, but your education won’t be broad enough to save you the expense of a bar review course, unless of course you somehow managed to squeeze Trusts and Estates, Criminal Procedure, and Commercial Paper all into your law school schedule, in which case, sorry to hear you wasted 3 years of your life when you could have just wasted 3 months with BarBri.

There are two values that law school defenders like to say that it adds, that it “teaches you to think like a lawyer,” and that it makes you generally more appealing to a wide variety of employers, from defense department contract administration to health care industry contract administration.

Continue reading over on that other site where I post everything these days.

Legal Reasoning Challenge and Blog Comments

Posted in Uncategorized on September 1st, 2011 by bl1y

Two posts y’all kids might be interested in:

More failed reasons not to go to law school: Legal Reasoning Challenge #4.

Phila Lawyer discusses the good, the bad, and the killself of internet comments: Commenters We Can Do Without.

Blind Drunk Suggestions

Posted in Uncategorized on August 24th, 2011 by bl1y

Have a topic you want discussed on Blind Drunk Justice? Question you want answered?

Don’t post it in the comments here, because it will get fucking ignored.

Go over to the new Blind Drunk Suggestion Box, and leave it in the comments there.

50 Cosmo Sex Moves, Annoted Edition

Posted in Uncategorized on August 1st, 2011 by bl1y

Time once again for my signature break down of Cosmo’s ridiculous sex lists:

The August issue of Cosmo asked just over 2,600 guys to rate 50 different sex moves. Cosmo has a pretty solid record of giving women advice so bad it would fix Tiger Woods’s golf game, so you’d think going to actual guys for answers would produce extremely good responses. But, Cosmo didn’t ask just any guys: “we went straight to the source, 2,603 horny guys.”

Bad choice. Horny guys are morons and are inclined to say that they’re turned on by just about anything.

A study at Berkeley found that when not aroused, 13% of men think it could be fun to have sex with someone who is extremely fat. When aroused, the number jumped to 24%, an 85% increase. There was a 55% increase in men who found shoes erotic when aroused; a 75% increase in men who could see themselves having sex with another man; a 229% increase in men who could find a 60 year old attractive; a 100% increase in men who could find a 12 year old girl attractive; and, a 167% increase in the number of men who would be down for bestiality.

In order to understand what will actually work on your guy, not just what weird shit he’ll say he’s in to while in heat, we have to dig just a little deeper than Cosmo’s analytical model of (no lie) Smiley Face/Sad Face, represented after each move.

The moves are broken down into six categories: Seduction, Kissing, Foreplay, Oral, Sex, and Naughty Bonus Moves. (Cosmo does not specify how to unlock the bonus moves.)

Seduction

1. Calling him while you’re masturbating, giving him a preview of the moans you’re going to make later that night. :-D

It’ll be a turn on at the time. But potentially a huge disappointment when he comes over later and you’ve already worn yourself out. You get mad when he finishes early, so think how pissed he’ll be when you’re done before he even shows up.

2. Asking him to give you a lap dance. :-(

Giving you a lap dance isn’t really a turn on for us, but if we’re indifferent and you think you’ll like it, we’ll go for it. The problem is about a minute into the routine, it’ll be pretty clear it doesn’t do anything for you either, and now it’s just a game of awkward chicken, seeing who caves in first.

3. Putting on a playlist of slow love songs to set the mood. :-/

The music won’t really be a turn for men in and of itself. But the subtext of “hey handsome, you’re totally getting laid tonight,” that’s something we really like to hear, even if it’s Enya saying it.

4. Putting on a playlist of rap and hip-hop songs to set the mood. :-(

“Damn homey, in high school you was the man homey. The f*ck happened to you?” The horny Cosmo men get this one right. Pretty much the last thing we want to hear during sex is 50 Cent talking about how he sodomizes other men. It gets us jealous.

5. Drawing a bubble bath and offering to wash his body before you have sex. :-D

A bubble bath sounds sexy, but the cramped space makes shower sex look easy. This is just going to result in a lot of sloshing and a wet bathroom floor that you’ll expect us to clean up because you “went to the trouble of drawing the bath.”

6. Taking his hand and pressing it against your underwear so he can feel how horny you are. :-D

Nothing wrong here. …Except that it’s mislabeled. If this is seduction, what the hell is foreplay?

7. Decorating the bed with rose petals and lighting a bunch of candles. :-/

Men don’t really care about stock romantic props like this. But, candle light is extremely flattering. When you look good, we’re happy. Even better, when you look good, you’re happy, and that makes you more confident, which leads you to do more things that make us happy. Everybody wins, especially us.

Read the rest on College Humor.

If you have a Reddit account, please upvote. If not, please share on Facebook. I need enough traffic to make a couple bucks off this thing.

Entourage Predictions

Posted in Uncategorized on June 23rd, 2011 by bl1y

The new and final season of Entourage is starting up next month, and I wanted to make a prediction about what will happen. Why?

Because if I’m right, I can use this post as evidence of my intellect and prescience. And, if I’m wrong, the graveyard rule applies, and no one will give a fuck.

So here we go: Vinny Chase’s career as an actor will be over.

And here’s why:

At the start of the series, it was a story about a hot shot young actor, and three friends who mooched off of him. E was Vinny’s manager, Turtle worked as his gopher, and Drama used Vinny’s stardom to reinvigorate his own career (and used his money to float him financially). The entire series has been a progression of the characters as they outgrow their need for Vinny. Turtle gets into the rap artist management biz, then goes to college for a business degree, then starts his sexy driver service, then gets into the tequila business; he hasn’t been successful, but he’s been working towards becoming his own man. Drama has a series of increasingly successful acting jobs, going from small rolls in Vinny’s movies, to a quickly canceled show, and finally to a green lit show he’s starring in that looks like it will last the rest of the series. And of course E, he’s picked up a couple extra clients, lost them, but is now working at firm where it’s clear his future does not even require keeping Vinny as a client.

The only character that has stagnated has been Vinny. He basically served as a plot device. The story is primarily about Eric. Vinny might be the movie star, but Eric is the protagonist. In addition to evolving a lot more than Vinny, just look at the plot. Everything that Vinny is involved in, Eric is also at the center of. But, there’s plenty of stuff that goes on in E’s life that doesn’t concern Vinny one bit.

Vinny is becoming increasingly irrelevant. Only in season 7 did he get a meaningful character development. For all the ups and downs of his career, he has been mainly a passenger. Eric is the one who sets things in motion and deals with the consequences.

So, the question is, in the end, what meaningful resolution could there be? Eric, Turtle and Drama will each find their way. Eric will likely become a partner of a management company, Drama will have his show renewed, and Turtle will …find something, probably not the tequila business; I’m thinking something new, or something that was only a small part of an earlier episode, like party promoting.

But Vinny? He’s still a young actor. Even if he gets back on his feet, that just puts him back where he’s been so many times before. That’s not very compelling. The only direction for his career to go is down. I don’t think it will be the drug thing. My best guess is that he dies, and at the end of the series, the characters mourn his death, but also realize that they no longer need him to live.

As soon as he is no longer needed, he dies. Consider it a metaphor for Hollywood.

Maybe not death, but definitely something that permanently ends his career. Perhaps prison. Either way, the end of the series will be the entourage realizing that their lives go on.

Here is a Dime, Use it to Phone a Friend

Posted in Uncategorized on June 1st, 2011 by bl1y

I cheated in law school.

It was easy, it was worth it, and looking back, I should have done it more.

The last exam of first semester was Civil Procedure. That was the tough class for my section. Every group of 1Ls has the “tough class.” The one with the professor everyone is intimidated by. The one they spend so much time studying for that they show up to other classes unprepared. In The Paper Chase, the tough class is Contracts with Kingsfield.

Civil Procedure with Samuel Issacharoff was our tough class. It wasn’t the “Kingsfield” of our 1L year though. Our equivalent of Kingsfield, the professor students have heard about before even applying to law school, was Arthur Miller, the professor on whom Perini is based in Scott Turow’s 1L. Arthur Miller also taught civil procedure, but to a different group of students, chosen at random.

Despite the tens of thousands of dollars you pay in tuition to your law school, it’s often a crapshoot like that. Some people will take a class from a legendary professor and gain stories to tell on interviews or around the water cooler later in life. Other people get the B squad. Not that NYU’s B squad was at all bad. But, “Yeah, Arthur Miller was teaching civ pro when I was there, …I had someone else though” isn’t really a compelling story. The Paper Chase without Kingsfield is not The Paper Chase.

Despite not being Arthur Miller, Issacharoff was still the terrifying professor for our section. That makes some people terrified of the exam. They’re scared of every exam, but really on edge about the tough professor’s test. With the curve though, it doesn’t really matter. A hard exam is hard for everyone. Your performance is relative to the performance of your classmates.

And, that’s why cheating works.

Continue reading at ConstitutionalDaily.com

Cardozo’s Lamp

Posted in Uncategorized on May 16th, 2011 by bl1y

It’s strange the things from law school that you remember, and the things you don’t. The morning after the Halloween party (dubbed the Fall Ball, because it never fell on Halloween) we had torts. I can’t even remember what day of the week it was. My best guess is Friday, since Thursday is a fairly common night for drinking and rabble rousing. But, it could have also been Monday.

I don’t even remember what the lecture for that torts class was. The only reason I remember having a torts class that day is because a student two rows in front of me vomited in class.

He didn’t even try to get out of the room. He just sat in his seat, and emptied the contents of his stomach onto the laptop and text book of the kid sitting next to him. If it had been any other student, I might not have remembered who it was, just as I don’t remember the victim in the incident. But, our classroom vomiter always had this sickly paleness about him. The way he looked, it’s amazing he ever made it through any class without blowing chunks.

Continue reading at Constitutional Daily.

Nuisance Value

Posted in Uncategorized on April 6th, 2011 by bl1y

New post from me over on Constitutional Daily.  Be sure to check it out: Nuisance Value

“Most people would consider leaving with a number to be a victory. Those people don’t talk to enough girls at bars. Getting a number is easy. Girls give out numbers like Scientologists give out stress tests.  The hard part is getting them to answer or call you back. Girls, that is. The hard part with Scientologists is getting them to stop calling you.”

50 Ways to Bore, Irritate, or Confuse a Man

Posted in Uncategorized on April 5th, 2011 by bl1y

This April’s Cosmo has an article featuring 50 Ways to Seduce a Man (In a Minute or Less).  I would have thought “Consent” would be enough, but apparently Cosmo needed to dig deeper:

“We asked Cosmo readers to share, and we must say that you ladies are some wickedly creative vixens. Steal these quickie tricks (a few are from experts too), and let them inspire countless new ones.”

1. I had just bought this new perfume. I gave my guy a whiff, then challenged him to find the patch of my body where I had spritzed it.

Either it’s somewhere fun, in which case we’ll find it in about 2 seconds, or else we don’t care and your game sucks.

2. Ask him to bring you a towel after your shower, so he can see you naked, dripping, and flushed.

By the time he gets the towel, you’re going to be cold and pissed off. Not the way we like to see you. Nice nips though.

3. “You know those treats you used to find at the bottom of a cereal box? One morning, I hid the new finger vibrator I’d just gotten in my guy’s cereal for him to discover.”

And now I have to throw out that entire box of Peanut Butter Pows. Thanks.

4. “My fiancé and I always run together, and one time on a quiet path, I told him to stop so I could tie my shoe. But when I kneeled down, I started giving him oral instead.”

And at what point did you realize how much of a sweat he had worked up from running?

5. Send him a naughty, fill-in-the-blank e-mail: “Tonight, I promise to _____ your ______ as soon as you walk in the door. Then I’ll give you a ______ for ______ minutes…” You see where we’re going with this, right?”

Cook … dinner.  Bit of peace and quiet … 150.

6. “Wearing a tight tank and no bra, I jumped on the bed in front of my guy.”

Hold on.  …Fill-in-the-blank?

That’s what she said.

7. Wake him up in the morning by sucking on his fingers as if it’s his penis.

What a wonderful way to get fish-hooked as your man is startled awake.

8. When he’s on his way home from work, start giving yourself some solo pleasure and “accidentally” dial him up. All those breathy ooohs and ahhhs will be motivation for him to get to you in time to join in on the action.

Just what we need more of, distracted guys on their cell phones speeding through traffic.

9. “I live on the fifth floor of a building, and one night, I wore a short skirt and lacy underwear, and then I walked up the stairs ahead of my guy. He practically tackled me by the time we got to my apartment.”

Fifth floor walkup? Sounds like you live in New York City, which means you were probably on the subway earlier.  Those have a lot of stairs, right? …Slut.

10. Make your evening snack a Popsicle, and tease and lick it right in front of him.

You’re going to tease the Popsicle? …I don’t think that’s how it works.

11. Steal his phone, and quickly snap a pic of your cleavage or the inside of your thigh. When you see his jaw drop, you’ll know he’s stumbled upon it.

Go ahead and forward it to all of his friends to save him the trouble.

12. Reach under the table at dinner and lightly outline the shape of his package, looking him dead in the eye the whole time.

If you don’t feel an erection, it’s because you’re staring him dead in the eye while sitting close enough to grab his crotch. That’s just creepy.

13. “I asked a guy to unzip me out of this little black dress. When he did, I let it drop to the ground to reveal I was wearing absolutely nothing underneath.”

Oh. Get naked. Clever girl.

14. Out at a noisy, crowded bar? Motion for him to come close so you can tell him something. Instead, send chills down his spine by licking his ear and blowing warm breath on the same spot.

Out at a noisy, crowded bar? Accept that you don’t always have to be the center of attention and let him have some fun with his friends for once.

15. “Before the guy I was hooking up with came over, I stripped the duvet and fluffy pillows off my bed and put together a makeshift bed on the floor of my den. When he arrived, I was lying in it, totally naked.”

Sex on the floor, it’s like sex in bed, but your back hurts the next day.

16. If you get up to go to the bathroom in the middle of the night, strip off all your clothes before sliding back into bed. There’s a good chance you’ll wake up to him pawing at you.

Make sure you wipe really, really good.

17. “I got caught in a rainstorm on my way home. A block before my place, I took off my coat so my white tee would be soaked. My boyfriend was very happy to see me.”

Bullshit. If you got “caught” in a rainstorm, it was probably summer, since that’s when most pop-up rainstorms happen. But, in the summer you wouldn’t be going around with a coat in the first place, unless you were prepared for rain, in which case you wouldn’t have been “caught” in it.

18. Take the sexy-girl-next-door fantasy to a whole new level by meeting him at the front door wearing nothing but a pair of pigtails and his favorite baseball hat.

That’s not a whole new level. That’s the original level. What did you think the sexy-girl-next door fantasy was?

19. Slip an X-rated doodle – like a couple getting it on doggie-style – into his coat pocket. To make your intentions crystal clear, title it “What I Can’t Wait to Do Tonight.”

Hold on …Take the sexy-girl-next-door?

That’s what she said.

20. My boyfriend goes crazy over this one thong I have. Occasionally, I’ll wear low riding pants and let it peek out.

Fail whale. Not sexy.

21. “One morning, I served my guy breakfast in bed, but told him he would only eat it off my body.”

I really hope you’re French. And not Irish.

22. When you come back from the gym, walk right up to him and say, “The whole time I was on the treadmill, all I was thinking about was how much I wanted to go down on you.”

What you just told your guy is that if he can convince you that you need to lose weight, he’ll get more blowjobs. “Yes, those pants do make your ass look fat, honey. Maybe spend more time on the treadmill?”

23. “I switched out our usual opaque shower curtain for a clear one. My guy walked in to find me soaping up my boobs and grinning at him. He hopped right in.”

He walked in to find you grinning at him? How exactly does that work? Do you just stare at the door smiling, soaping up your boobs, hoping he’ll walk in? That’s really weird.

[In short sidebar there are some tips for guys: “If the bathroom door is closed, it’s for a reason. Even if the water is running, puh-lease do not surprise us in the shower.”]

24. Scoop an ice cube out of his drink, and drop it down your blouse… then lean back and tell him to find it.

Get your dirty, don’t-know-where-they’ve-been fingers out of our drinks.

25. “My boyfriend and I were waiting in this crazy-long line at the DMV. To kill time, we started playing hangman. The phrase I had in mind was “I’m horny.” When he finally figured it out, we got the hell out of there.”

Which one of you made the other suffer through waiting in line at the DMV? Either way, that relationship needs to end.

26. Strip off your work clothes, but leave on your high heels as you walk around the room, tidying up, taking off your jewelry, making him drool, etc.

Right, the take off your clothes thing again. Glad it’s in here twice, wouldn’t want to forget.

27. “On our way home from visiting his parents, I told my boyfriend to plug an address into the GPS. He kept asking me where we were going, so finally I told him it was the location of a sex-toy store. Knowing that I had planned this in advance – and had been sitting at his parents’ place thinking about it for hours – totally turned him on.”

“You know what I was thinking about the whole time I was talking to your dad? Doing it.”

28. Hand-wash your tiniest lingerie, and hand it up around your house to dry… and drive him wild with lust.

Unless your guy is still in middle school, laundry is just laundry. It’s what’s inside that turns us on. So please, just clean up your damn mess.

29. Hide your turned-on vibrator in his sock drawer. When he figures out where the buzzing is coming from, tell him he gets to experience its pleasure power.

Um… what?  …No. We’ll pass, thanks. Really. Just …don’t.

30. “I asked my husband to grab something out of my purse, knowing he would find the dirty book – and especially hot scene that I’d dog-eared – stashed in there.”

Ever notice that men buy a ton of porn, but never dirty books? Yeah, he didn’t read that scene you marked. Imagine you found a pack of Topps baseball cards in his sock drawer. How turned on are you now? Same thing.

31. “Once, I snuck into the dressing room at a store with my guy, threw him up against the wall, and kissed him. We went home and had sex immediately.”

So… now he has to go out shopping with you again?

32. Slip into one of his oversize button-downs – and nothing else – before snuggling on the couch with him. Lie on your side with your head pointing away from him, so that when he looks over, he catches an up-shirt view of, well, everything.

Button-down actually refers to the type of collar, one with buttons, as opposed to a point collar. What you mean is a button-up shirt.

33. “My friends and I signed up for a pole-dancing class. I told my boyfriend I was just going out for drinks with the girls, and when I came home, I revealed where I had really been and showed him the sexy routine they’d taught us.”

So, when you signed up for the class, you already had the pole installed at home to demonstrate the routine on?

34. After a workout, come home and peel off your clothes in front of him.

See, #13 and #26 had given me the impression that you can only strip off little black dresses or work clothes. Thanks for clarifying, but perhaps the May issue could include a comprehensive list of clothes that are capable of being removed.

35. “The guy I was dating was writing a midterm paper. When he got up from his laptop, I inserted the words Let’s bleep. He met me in the bedroom ASAP.

Two words: Track changes.

36. While you’re out running mundane errands together, graze your butt past his package discreetly but very purposefully.

Then laugh at him as he pops a woody in public and tries to hide it.

37. “I’m really forward when I’m in the mood, and I’m known to just grab my guy’s hand, place it between my legs, and him a look. He loves how bold I am.”

How exactly do you become “known” for that?

38. “Drop” your purse by his feet in the middle of a crowded store. When you stand up from retrieving it, run your fingers the whole way up his leg and over his crotch.

And since it’s a crowded store, you know, as you get up… make sure he hasn’t moved and it’s not someone else standing there now.

39. “I usually start off my day with five or ten minutes of yoga. Sometimes, I do it naked, so my guy wakes up to find me in some compromising positions.”

Seriously? Have you not noticed how flattering yoga pants are? And without the creepy naked exercise factor.

40. Sit on his lap at a party. Then, subtly shift your weight back and forth over his package until he’s good and riled up. No one will know but the two of you.

…And everybody else.

41. Label areas of the house where you two have never gotten busy with creative titles like The Doggie-Style Den or The Oral Corner. Tell him the goal for the night is to move from station to station until the whole place is christened.

The Gay-For-Pay Garage, The Blumpkin Bathroom, The Finish First And Fall Asleep Before You’re Done Bedroom.

42. “I came to bed holding a wooden spatula in my hand. When my guy asked what the hell I was doing, I told him that I had been a bad girl and needed a spanking. I thought his eyes were going to bulge out of his head.”

They make wooden spatulas? What for?

I mean, other than this, what do you need a wooden one for instead of rubber?

43. “My fiancé and I trade off cleaning duties every month. When it was my turn, I put on a slutty maid costume, walked in front of him, bent over, and started dusting.”

But if we call it a slutty maid costume, ohhh, now we’re being sexist. That is such an unfair double standard.

44. Send him a naughty sext when you’re sitting right next to each other in a movie theater or when you’re out to dinner with friends.

Because nothing is sexier than being rude to the people around you. The people behind you in the theater can see the light from your cell phone, and it’s very distracting.

45. Stare longingly at his package for a few seconds.

It might just have one eye, but this is a staring contest you cannot win.

46. “I always tell my boyfriend that if I had a stripper song, it would be ‘Pour Some Sugar on Me.’ Every now and then, I’ll make sure it’s playing when he comes home. It’s like our personal sex signal, and he knows he’s in for a good night whenever that happens.”

You “always” tell him that? How many times has this come up?

47. Walk up to him, slap a pair of handcuffs on his wrists, and tell him he’s your sex slave for the night.

Just for the night? That’s more like sex indentured servitude.

48. Pull your underwear aside, and tell him you want him inside you, like, yesterday.

What you want him to hear is that you really want him inside you right this moment. What he’s going to hear is that you want him inside you like he was inside you yesterday.

If you didn’t have sex with him yesterday, start looking for a new boyfriend.

49. Orchestrate your own private peep show: Ask your guy to come around to your side of the car to help you out. When he does, have your dress or skirt hiked way up so that when you step out, he sees that you are most definitely going commando for the evening.

What would be even sexier is a basic understanding of spatial relations and geometry.

50. “On my husband’s birthday last year, I made him a cake and wrote ‘Happy Birthday! Do anything you want to me tonight’ in bright pink frosting.

We kinda already take birthday sex as a given, so you know that doesn’t count as your gift, right?