Soccer? I Hardly Know Her!

This is why soccer is not a real sport:

And for all you people who like to respond to soccer criticisms by saying that it’s the most popular sport in the world, popularity does not always mean quality.  McDonald’s is the most popular restaurant in the world, but that doesn’t mean they serve Grade A beef.  McDonald’s, like soccer, is merely the lowest common denominator.

The only reason real, American gridiron football hasn’t become more popular internationally is because it’s too expensive to play.  Kids who live in corrugated aluminum huts in South American jungles can still afford a soccer ball (which they use on their makeshift basketball court).  But, they can’t afford the pads needed for football.  Nor can they afford the food required to build a lineman.

But, for the people who are sincerely, die-hard soccer fans, here’s the greatest moment in soccer history:

One rule that would possibly convert soccer into a real sport: Two for flinching.

If, upon reviewing video footage, a preponderance of the evidence shows you faked an injury, you should be suspended from the next game, and your team fined $10,000.

If, upon reviewing video footage, it is beyond reasonable doubt that you faked an injury, you should be suspended from the next six games, and your team fined $1,000,000, or whatever is considered a lot of money in the third world.

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6 Responses to “Soccer? I Hardly Know Her!”

  1. thenambypamby Says:

    There are quite a few divers in the NBA. But I still love watching the players fake a gunshot wound and then act several seconds later like nothing happened.

  2. bl1y Says:

    Basketball, aka “hand soccer,” is likewise not a real sport.

  3. thenambypamby Says:

    Though, if Hockey is the baseline for toughness then nothing else is a sport. Except for MMA and Nuclear war.

  4. bl1y Says:

    It’s not simply a question of toughness. Most track and field events are real sports. Football and hockey also make the cut, along with tennis, rowing, some martial arts (not fencing), speed skating, and skiing. I may have missed a couple, but that’s most of them.

  5. Olga Says:

    I enjoy watching rowing.

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