21 Questions (Plus 54 Questions)

As some of my long term readers know, I read Cosmo.  Frankly, it’s some of the most inadvertently hilarious literature out there.  And also, I rub the perfume samples on my extra pillow and pretend like I have a girlfriend who just left for work (my imaginary girl is the breadwinner in this relationship, my fantasies don’t fool around).

In the December 2010 issue…wait…what?  Yes.  December.  Get a calender, Cosmo!  What do you think you are, an auto manufacturer?  Anyways, in the December issue there is a list of answers to 75 common questions girls want to know about guys, each answered with 20 words or less.

For shits and giggles, I’ve decided to tackle the same questions.  I won’t provide Cosmo’s answers, because frankly, I don’t really want to type that stuff, though usually their short answers tend to be pretty decent, batting around .600.

1. Do guys notice if you put on 5 or 10 pounds?

Yes, and 5 pounds to you is 15 to your bathroom scale. Stop lying.

2. Why doesn’t my guy care if I drool over Usher?

Who the fuck is Usher?

3. What are guys most insecure about in bed?

The dude who was just there before us.

4. Is it a bad sign if a guy doesn’t insist on paying for the first date?

Gray’s Papaya and dollar beers and he’s still not paying? Dump that loser.

5. When I tell a guy “Nothing’s wrong. I’m fine,” does he actually believe me?

No. You’re a woman, something’s always wrong. And you’re a shitty liar.

6. How does he want me to apologize to him after I screw up?

By not screwing up again. Actual remorse. Dig it. Also, a blow job never hurt anything.

7. How can I get my boyfriend to warm up to my best male friend?

Introduce us to his girlfriend.

8. My husband doesn’t have a lot of close friends anymore. Should I be worried?

Yes. It’s a sign that you’re a cold bitch and they can’t stand to be around you.

9. When do guys view a relationship as serious?

When we think it’d be too much hassle to get someone else, or just can’t do any better.

10. Why does my guy get defensive when I tell him he hurt my feelings?

Look, you asked if he could tell if you put on 5 or 10 pounds. That’s your fault.

11. Do guys with small penises know they have small penises.

Yes.  I mean, no.

12. What can I say to make a less-endowed guy know I’m okay with it?

“Let me pay for dinner this time.”

13. Why does my man refuse to watch my shows because they’re “girlie” even though I sit through South Park with him?

Matt and Trey are comic geniuses. Desperate Housewives and Gossip Girl are trash.

14. What screams high-maintenance to a guy when you first meet him?

He’s buying you both a drink, and you order from a higher shelf than he does.

15. My boyfriend always calls me when he’s at the store to ask if I need anything. At what point is it okay to request tampons?

When you plan to stick them in the neighbor’s lawn as a couple’s Halloween activity.

16. If a girl is too crazy in bed, does that make her not LTR material?

You have one too many negatives in there.

17. When my boyfriend invites me out with his friends, how do I know if he wants me to come or if he’s just being nice?

Are you a bitch to his friends? He’s just being polite.

18. How can I get my husband to stop bringing his laptop to bed?

Accept a lower standard of living when he gets laid off.

19. How can I tell a guy he uses too much gel?

“Hey Ross. Didn’t they cancel Friends?”

20. Do guys think it’s funny and laid-back or just gross if you burp in front of them?

TRY HARD.

21. Does it turn guys off it you make the first move?

No.

22. How come men never get distracted by things like their to-do list during sex?

We’re too busy thinking about your best friend.

23. At what point in a relationship do I have to tell a guy I’ve cheated in the past?

When you cheat on the new guy, too.

24. Why can’t guys ever tell when you get a haircut?

We can’t even tell when we get a new haircut.

25. Then why does he notice if my shoulder strap moves an inch to the left?

Because we’d notice if our own shoulder strap moved.

26. Why does he purposely let his hair grow out when I ask him to get a haircut?

Stop trying to control me!

27. Why does he eat like an animal on dates?

Being on top takes a lot of energy, …not like you’d ever bother to find out.

28. After the first hookup, what does a dude tell his buddies about it?

“Hey buddies, I hooked up.”

29. What about after they’ve been dating a woman for a while–what do guys tell their friends about their sex life then?

“Hey buddies, what game’s on?”

30. Why do men hate throw pillows so freakin’ much?

They’re in my spot.

31. I hate spending time with my family, but he’s close to his. Can I say no when he invites me to hang out with them?

Is your family also his family?

32. Why doesn’t he defend me when one of his friends is rude to me?

We believe in justice, and you were in the wrong.

33. My man never wants to cuddle. Should I be worried?

Look, for real, being on top takes a lot of energy. We’re tired. Leave us alone.

34. What goes through a man’s head when he sees you naked for the first time?

“Okay, now I definitely know I’m getting laid.”

35. My guy loves when I walk around in his shirt after sex. Why?

Now that’s your laundry to clean.

36. Why does he pretend nothing happened after he has a serious mood swing?

Because it was just a mood swing. By definition, nothing happened.

37. He’s usually outgoing but with my work friends, he clams up. Why?

Your work friends are lame, stop making us hang out with them.

38. Why do guys never seem to remember anniversaries or birthdays?

Cost control.

39. I know guys think about other women during sex. Who do they think about?

Your hot friend, or you 10 pounds ago.

40. When a guy has had an orgasm–and his partner hasn’t–why doesn’t he offer to help her get there too?

We got one of us off, you get the other.

41. Why is it so much easier for guys to hook up without getting attached?

Your bitchy attitude.

42. Why do guys seem to need nights alone so much more often than women do?

Affairs.

43. Why can’t men be more subtle about looking at boobs?

You can’t wear a push-up bra and complain about a lack of subtlety.

44. To whom do guys go for advice when they’re upset about something in their relationship?

Jack Daniel’s.

45. Why can’t guys tell sexy clothes from slutty ones?

Same reason we can’t tell Times from Courier. Different font, but the same text.

46. One of my guy friends just moved in with his girlfriend but told me he can’t see himself marrying her. Why would a man do that?

Because his girlfriend refuses to clean his apartment for him.

47. How do you know if a guy is over a bad breakup?

The empty condom wrapper in his bathroom trash can.

48. My guy never takes me on dates anymore. How can I get him to start again?

Pay.

49. What’s a simple thing I can say to nip his jealousy in the bud?

“My friend Sarah really likes you.”

50. My boyfriend says I’m overreacting when I tell him his female friend is into him. Can guys really not recognize shameless flirting?

He already tried to hit it and failed. She’s not into him.

51. Guys say they like no makeup then tell you that you look pretty when you wear it. Why?

We’re just a squirrel trying to get a nut.

52. I gave my boyfriend a tee shirt, but then he got all weird about it. Why?

It was purple with a deep V.

53. Why do men get so whiny about going to weddings, even if they always have fun at them?

Your friends always only have a cash bar.

54. Why does my boyfriend freeze up whenever I try to have a serious talk with him?

Great, what did we not having anything to do with but will be blamed for this time?

55. If I don’t get along with my boyfriend’s friends, does that mean he’ll think our relationship won’t last?

His friends are cool people and get along with other cool people easily. You do the math.

56. When I try a new move in bed, how can I tell if my guy likes it?

“Oh…shit.  Sorry.”

57. Occassionally, my guy cries in front of me when he’s really upset. How is he hoping I’ll react?

Jack Daniel’s and two shot glasses.

58. Why would a guy feel the need to rush through foreplay even if he’s had sex with you tons of times?

Some reason we skip commercials with DVR even if we’ve seen the episode already.

59. How can I get a guy’s attention at a bar without outright hitting on him?

“Hi, I’m [your name here].”

60. My husband refuses to buy himself a new razor–even when his gets really gross–but loves it when I get one for him. Why won’t he just replace it himself?

Just trying to get back some of that money he spent on you when you were dating.

61. Why does my boyfriend never need a blanket at night when I’m completely freezing?

You have a cold heart and no fire in your belly.

62. Guys get so upset when their team loses. What should I say?

“That really sucks for..oh, what’s his name, you know, the player on the team you know personally?”

63. Why does my man call when he has nothing to say?

We’re bored and like the easy brownie points.

64. What’s the best way to cheer up a guy who’s having a bad day?

Jack Daniel’s, one shot glass, and your ass out the door.

65. What can I do to prompt him to make the first move?

Mash the front of your face against the front of his face.

66. Why do even nonplayers use cheesy pickup lines on girls?

First you complain that we don’t make the first move, now you complain when we do? Christ Almighty.

67. My guy does romantic things, so why does he roll his eyes when he sees a guy do something similar on TV?

He has a real world budget and is working without a team of writers.

68. What do guys look for when they stalk your online dating profile?

Whether you pictures are outdated, or trying to hide an extra 20 pounds. Also, spank bank material.

69. Why do guys always want us to send them naked pictures? Isn’t that what porn is for?

While we’re at it, why does he want to have sex with you? Isn’t that what hookers are for?

70. How come he tells me he can’t hang out then texts me all night?

He wants to interact without dealing with that tone you get.

71. Why would he rather send me 25 texts about something than have a simple two-minute conversation?

If you think you can really limit it to two minutes, we’re game.

72. What’s the reason why don’t men like making long-term plans, whether it’s a vacation or an anniversary?

Stop trying to spend our money before we’ve even earned it.

73. Why do guys turn into such babies when they get sick–even if it’s just something like a cold?

Unlike you, if we’re sick, it’s not just a cold. If we’re sick, it’s the plague.

74. Why would a guy rather stay home and manage his fantasy sports league instead of going on a date?

Even Brett Favre doesn’t have as many problems as you do.

75. What’s the one thing men want to hear after sex?

Want me to do the laundry and get you a burrito?

Want more?  Then check out these awesome articles:

What She Really Means When She Says “Loser”

and

13 Sex Tips to Drive Him Away

http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1807094
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35 Responses to “21 Questions (Plus 54 Questions)”

  1. Tom Allred Says:

    Brilliant. Thanks for the laugh.

  2. Bryce Says:

    The things we do for pussy. I now just have to figure how to get that pussy stink out from my fingers.

    Can you provide the answer to this question.

  3. bl1y Says:

    Soap.

  4. chris Says:

    Send a link to this article to Cosmo, how could they not hire you? Hilarious as usual.

    Though, seriously, Cosmo? We’ve all been curious about the crap in that magazine at some point, but once you flip through one and have a laugh aren’t you done?

  5. bl1y Says:

    I usually on pick them up once every couple months, and only if the cover has something that sounds particularly funny. Otherwise, yeah, there’s a lot of rehashing of the same old garbage every month.

  6. Henrich Jonas Says:

    Question 76:

    If men answer the all 75 question correct, does that mean we have to eat the stinking fish taco?

    If this is case, then I will not be a “metro-sexual”. Nothing worse then rotten pussy. Hose it down. UGH!

  7. thenambypamby Says:

    Fucking hysterical.

  8. Bob Says:

    Yeah, truth overload on this one. Someone should start a newsletter called “How to get and keep a man” and only print this article, every month.

  9. Bruno Says:

    1. What’s the reason why don’t mean like making long-term plans, >whether it’s a vacation or an anniversary?

    Stop trying to spend our money before we’ve even earned it.

    Oh lord, YES.

  10. Duran Says:

    There were only a couple of insightful/honest answers in this whole set–the rest consisted of bitter responses smacking of misogyny and an oversimplification of men that reached misandrous levels. It was far from insightful, and rather unfunny.

    And yet, you’re all in here having a circle jerk about this guy.

  11. Hagane Says:

    I agree with all of them except the last. Fuck a Burrito. I want a Sammich.

  12. bl1y Says:

    Yeah, I’d probably prefer bagel bites, but burrito has a nice ring to it.

  13. bl1y Says:

    Duran: 20 word responses aren’t supposed to delve into the deep complexities of male-female interactions.

  14. victimschoice Says:

    Oh man, so true! Thanks for the laughs.

  15. longslongjhonson Says:

    Man your right about the blow job on question 6…i mean for real it would def make things easier for me to forgive a women

  16. bl1y Says:

    So it looks like this article made the front page of Reddit (thanks to whoever first posted it), and then there was a shit storm of comments, almost all of which fit in to one of 5 general themes:

    (1) Hilarious
    (2) Misogyny!
    (3) Misandry!
    (4) Lame, unfunny
    (5) Lame, unfunny, and you’re probably a fat loser

    As for the claims of misogyny and misandry (and misandry isn’t recognized as a word by the Firefox spell checker, so there’s some real misandry for you), here is a comment that I couldn’t agree with more, from user Syphon8:

    “Something that’s both misogynistic and misandrous is really just misanthropic.

    And misanthropy is always funny.”

  17. cg2 Says:

    Nice! I’d add to the answer on #7, “Or his boyfriend.”

  18. Guru Says:

    Good sence of humour

  19. John Says:

    57. Occassionally, my guy cries in front of me when he’s really upset. How is he hoping I’ll react?
    Allow me to present my own answer: Guys cry to get it out of their system. Just because you’re hoping for a response when you cry doesn’t mean he does too.

  20. bl1y Says:

    True that typically when a guy cries he isn’t hoping for a particular response; your reaction won’t even enter into his thoughts at the time. But, if you’re right there in front of him crying, there still is a good way and a bad way to handle it.

  21. Sandlurker Says:

    wow, a very immature perception of women. It’s obvious that youve been hurt alot but have no idea how to deal with your own emotions. There are so many mature women out there who won’t date for money and won’t nag,but then again they wouldn’t date a pathetic loser like you

  22. Anonymous Says:

    Anybody claiming misogyny are women aren’t used to hearing truth.

  23. bl1y Says:

    Sandlurker is apparently incapable of separating comedy from reality.

  24. Where is federer? Says:

    Cosmo ought to publish that list. Its better than Liberty Bell’s outline. Thank you. (But really…did Federer or Debbie or whatever name she uses now have no predictable expression of revulsion to this? Did dhe finally land some financial nerd to dominate?)

  25. bl1y Says:

    Wow, obscure reference there, Willis.

    And I don’t know, don’t care, good riddance.

  26. Stuff Says:

    You need to add one more question to this list. This one is from experience.

    “I have read these kind of lists before, my boyfriend isn’t think like that. Do you really think he feels this way?”

    Uhhhh, YES you dumb broad of course he does he is a man.

  27. The Faux Trixie Says:

    I’m a chick and found this hilarious. We’re not all uptight biotches, I swear. Most women can laugh at themselves (and we knew this shit already)

  28. bl1y Says:

    Thanks Trixie, it’s amazing how many people don’t understand that while there is usually truth in comedy, it’s generally not factual. A lot of the comments on Reddit read like they think this is a serious manifesto or something.

    Though, I’m completely serious about actual remorse when you screw up. I never had to do anything to make up for mistakes with my last girlfriend because I actually felt bad and she knew it, and because she wasn’t a bitch in the slightest, that was enough.

  29. C. Says:

    Hilarious.

  30. EverySixMinutes Says:

    I am a woman and digging this list. There are a few nuggets of truths there. Very witty and refreshing. I had a few LOL moments.

    Congrats for making to the top of Reddit!

  31. bl1y Says:

    The name of your site made me think it was going to be a very hyperbolic rape awareness page. Turns out “Every Six Minutes” refers to something even worse.

  32. Dannie Says:

    I’m a chick and I approve this message!!!!
    No need to be uptight ladies have a laugh some of its true and everything was funny, I shared it with all my girlfriends and we died!! Btw I totally agree with the saying your best guy friend having a boyfriend! And mmakking a sammich instead of a burrito….I mean unless your dating a mexican…….

  33. Peter Says:

    Yea nice compilation. “The dude who was just there before us.” is the winner.

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