As some of my long term readers know, I read Cosmo. Frankly, it’s some of the most inadvertently hilarious literature out there. And also, I rub the perfume samples on my extra pillow and pretend like I have a girlfriend who just left for work (my imaginary girl is the breadwinner in this relationship, my fantasies don’t fool around).
In the December 2010 issue…wait…what? Yes. December. Get a calender, Cosmo! What do you think you are, an auto manufacturer? Anyways, in the December issue there is a list of answers to 75 common questions girls want to know about guys, each answered with 20 words or less.
For shits and giggles, I’ve decided to tackle the same questions. I won’t provide Cosmo’s answers, because frankly, I don’t really want to type that stuff, though usually their short answers tend to be pretty decent, batting around .600.
1. Do guys notice if you put on 5 or 10 pounds?
Yes, and 5 pounds to you is 15 to your bathroom scale. Stop lying.
2. Why doesn’t my guy care if I drool over Usher?
Who the fuck is Usher?
3. What are guys most insecure about in bed?
The dude who was just there before us.
4. Is it a bad sign if a guy doesn’t insist on paying for the first date?
Gray’s Papaya and dollar beers and he’s still not paying? Dump that loser.
5. When I tell a guy “Nothing’s wrong. I’m fine,” does he actually believe me?
No. You’re a woman, something’s always wrong. And you’re a shitty liar.
6. How does he want me to apologize to him after I screw up?
By not screwing up again. Actual remorse. Dig it. Also, a blow job never hurt anything.
7. How can I get my boyfriend to warm up to my best male friend?
Introduce us to his girlfriend.
8. My husband doesn’t have a lot of close friends anymore. Should I be worried?
Yes. It’s a sign that you’re a cold bitch and they can’t stand to be around you.
9. When do guys view a relationship as serious?
When we think it’d be too much hassle to get someone else, or just can’t do any better.
10. Why does my guy get defensive when I tell him he hurt my feelings?
Look, you asked if he could tell if you put on 5 or 10 pounds. That’s your fault.
11. Do guys with small penises know they have small penises.
Yes. I mean, no.
12. What can I say to make a less-endowed guy know I’m okay with it?
“Let me pay for dinner this time.”
13. Why does my man refuse to watch my shows because they’re “girlie” even though I sit through South Park with him?
Matt and Trey are comic geniuses. Desperate Housewives and Gossip Girl are trash.
14. What screams high-maintenance to a guy when you first meet him?
He’s buying you both a drink, and you order from a higher shelf than he does.
15. My boyfriend always calls me when he’s at the store to ask if I need anything. At what point is it okay to request tampons?
When you plan to stick them in the neighbor’s lawn as a couple’s Halloween activity.
16. If a girl is too crazy in bed, does that make her not LTR material?
You have one too many negatives in there.
17. When my boyfriend invites me out with his friends, how do I know if he wants me to come or if he’s just being nice?
Are you a bitch to his friends? He’s just being polite.
18. How can I get my husband to stop bringing his laptop to bed?
Accept a lower standard of living when he gets laid off.
19. How can I tell a guy he uses too much gel?
“Hey Ross. Didn’t they cancel Friends?”
20. Do guys think it’s funny and laid-back or just gross if you burp in front of them?
21. Does it turn guys off it you make the first move?
22. How come men never get distracted by things like their to-do list during sex?
We’re too busy thinking about your best friend.
23. At what point in a relationship do I have to tell a guy I’ve cheated in the past?
When you cheat on the new guy, too.
24. Why can’t guys ever tell when you get a haircut?
We can’t even tell when we get a new haircut.
25. Then why does he notice if my shoulder strap moves an inch to the left?
Because we’d notice if our own shoulder strap moved.
26. Why does he purposely let his hair grow out when I ask him to get a haircut?
Stop trying to control me!
27. Why does he eat like an animal on dates?
Being on top takes a lot of energy, …not like you’d ever bother to find out.
28. After the first hookup, what does a dude tell his buddies about it?
“Hey buddies, I hooked up.”
29. What about after they’ve been dating a woman for a while–what do guys tell their friends about their sex life then?
“Hey buddies, what game’s on?”
30. Why do men hate throw pillows so freakin’ much?
They’re in my spot.
31. I hate spending time with my family, but he’s close to his. Can I say no when he invites me to hang out with them?
Is your family also his family?
32. Why doesn’t he defend me when one of his friends is rude to me?
We believe in justice, and you were in the wrong.
33. My man never wants to cuddle. Should I be worried?
Look, for real, being on top takes a lot of energy. We’re tired. Leave us alone.
34. What goes through a man’s head when he sees you naked for the first time?
“Okay, now I definitely know I’m getting laid.”
35. My guy loves when I walk around in his shirt after sex. Why?
Now that’s your laundry to clean.
36. Why does he pretend nothing happened after he has a serious mood swing?
Because it was just a mood swing. By definition, nothing happened.
37. He’s usually outgoing but with my work friends, he clams up. Why?
Your work friends are lame, stop making us hang out with them.
38. Why do guys never seem to remember anniversaries or birthdays?
39. I know guys think about other women during sex. Who do they think about?
Your hot friend, or you 10 pounds ago.
40. When a guy has had an orgasm–and his partner hasn’t–why doesn’t he offer to help her get there too?
We got one of us off, you get the other.
41. Why is it so much easier for guys to hook up without getting attached?
Your bitchy attitude.
42. Why do guys seem to need nights alone so much more often than women do?
43. Why can’t men be more subtle about looking at boobs?
You can’t wear a push-up bra and complain about a lack of subtlety.
44. To whom do guys go for advice when they’re upset about something in their relationship?
45. Why can’t guys tell sexy clothes from slutty ones?
Same reason we can’t tell Times from Courier. Different font, but the same text.
46. One of my guy friends just moved in with his girlfriend but told me he can’t see himself marrying her. Why would a man do that?
Because his girlfriend refuses to clean his apartment for him.
47. How do you know if a guy is over a bad breakup?
The empty condom wrapper in his bathroom trash can.
48. My guy never takes me on dates anymore. How can I get him to start again?
49. What’s a simple thing I can say to nip his jealousy in the bud?
“My friend Sarah really likes you.”
50. My boyfriend says I’m overreacting when I tell him his female friend is into him. Can guys really not recognize shameless flirting?
He already tried to hit it and failed. She’s not into him.
51. Guys say they like no makeup then tell you that you look pretty when you wear it. Why?
We’re just a squirrel trying to get a nut.
52. I gave my boyfriend a tee shirt, but then he got all weird about it. Why?
It was purple with a deep V.
53. Why do men get so whiny about going to weddings, even if they always have fun at them?
Your friends always only have a cash bar.
54. Why does my boyfriend freeze up whenever I try to have a serious talk with him?
Great, what did we not having anything to do with but will be blamed for this time?
55. If I don’t get along with my boyfriend’s friends, does that mean he’ll think our relationship won’t last?
His friends are cool people and get along with other cool people easily. You do the math.
56. When I try a new move in bed, how can I tell if my guy likes it?
57. Occassionally, my guy cries in front of me when he’s really upset. How is he hoping I’ll react?
Jack Daniel’s and two shot glasses.
58. Why would a guy feel the need to rush through foreplay even if he’s had sex with you tons of times?
Some reason we skip commercials with DVR even if we’ve seen the episode already.
59. How can I get a guy’s attention at a bar without outright hitting on him?
“Hi, I’m [your name here].”
60. My husband refuses to buy himself a new razor–even when his gets really gross–but loves it when I get one for him. Why won’t he just replace it himself?
Just trying to get back some of that money he spent on you when you were dating.
61. Why does my boyfriend never need a blanket at night when I’m completely freezing?
You have a cold heart and no fire in your belly.
62. Guys get so upset when their team loses. What should I say?
“That really sucks for..oh, what’s his name, you know, the player on the team you know personally?”
63. Why does my man call when he has nothing to say?
We’re bored and like the easy brownie points.
64. What’s the best way to cheer up a guy who’s having a bad day?
Jack Daniel’s, one shot glass, and your ass out the door.
65. What can I do to prompt him to make the first move?
Mash the front of your face against the front of his face.
66. Why do even nonplayers use cheesy pickup lines on girls?
First you complain that we don’t make the first move, now you complain when we do? Christ Almighty.
67. My guy does romantic things, so why does he roll his eyes when he sees a guy do something similar on TV?
He has a real world budget and is working without a team of writers.
68. What do guys look for when they stalk your online dating profile?
Whether you pictures are outdated, or trying to hide an extra 20 pounds. Also, spank bank material.
69. Why do guys always want us to send them naked pictures? Isn’t that what porn is for?
While we’re at it, why does he want to have sex with you? Isn’t that what hookers are for?
70. How come he tells me he can’t hang out then texts me all night?
He wants to interact without dealing with that tone you get.
71. Why would he rather send me 25 texts about something than have a simple two-minute conversation?
If you think you can really limit it to two minutes, we’re game.
72. What’s the reason why don’t men like making long-term plans, whether it’s a vacation or an anniversary?
Stop trying to spend our money before we’ve even earned it.
73. Why do guys turn into such babies when they get sick–even if it’s just something like a cold?
Unlike you, if we’re sick, it’s not just a cold. If we’re sick, it’s the plague.
74. Why would a guy rather stay home and manage his fantasy sports league instead of going on a date?
Even Brett Favre doesn’t have as many problems as you do.
75. What’s the one thing men want to hear after sex?
Want me to do the laundry and get you a burrito?
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