51 Thrilling Ways to Seduce Your Man

That’s right, it’s time for another look at stupid advice given by Cosmo.

First thing to do, is head over to Constitutional Daily and read my new piece: Department of Law and Motor Vehicles

As for the other 50 things, I do have a new Cosmo to tear into.  I’ll try to get to it soon.

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60 Responses to “51 Thrilling Ways to Seduce Your Man”

  1. Ellen Says:

    I do NOT want to seduce a man, I want a man who will MARRY me. Their is a diference. Men want what they CANT’ Get, so if I do not sleep with them, they will want to MARRY me.

  2. George Recco Says:

    >>Men want what they CANT’ Get, so if I do not sleep with them, they will want to MARRY me<<

    no, they'll just move onto to the next pretty girl who willlll sleep with them.

  3. Alma Federer Says:

    I have to agree with the logic of Ellen. Men are generally pigs, but hungry pigs are more responsive than those who have been fed. The same goes for sex. If you deny it, they will do more to get it, and if you don’t give it, the men will nearly burst trying to get it.

    That is why we must keep strong, deny our own carnal urges, and resist the advances of men that just want to empty their jizm on and in us. If Ellen draws the line at marriage, that is her right. I personally do not like sex, but will allow someone who I think is marriage material to release their bodily fluids on me, but not in me.

    That is why I have never gotten pregnant, even after having sex more than 7 times.

  4. JP Says:

    Okay. Now we finally have someone new. That’s a start.

    For the next scene, can we have Alma become a BFF with Ellen and present a united front of misandry against the now jilted and soon to be unemployed BL3Y?

  5. Pig seeks marriage Says:

    OK. Ellen is the old Alma, “fooey on you” and all. “Alma” at 9:36, can’t really be the old Alma, who would never demean herself with the term “jizm.” Must be one of the old BL people masquerading as Alma. Probably the guy that used to refer to women as “broads.”

    So Ellen, there is definitely a very slim chance I will marry you if you come to California, sleep with me for three months and prove yourself worthy (by being good enough so I want you to stay after 3 months). In return I promise you use of your own Mercedez S class, (an older one though), residence 5 blocks from the beach and you won’t have to work. You must be under age 39, at least 5’6,” not more than 115 lbs, (125 if 5’9″), have at least shoulder length hair and meet other requirements.

  6. Bill Says:

    I would venture to say that neither of these two brood mares are worth banging.

  7. bl3y Says:

    Sorry Pig. Ellen’s spoken for. We are recently engaged and she’s been indulging herself in my hot beef injection. I can’t quite figure out why she’s been carrying on the way she has about purity. I guess madonna on the street whore in the bedroom? Not an evening goes by that she doesn’t come up with a new bizzare request. I mean, the whole body chocolate thing was kind of cool but I didn’t really enjoy the mustard and deli meats thing we tried last night.

  8. Pig Says:

    Thanks Bl3y. No faux ‘live for the moment’ type wanted here…they get …tiring…after 2 months when your maid quits, you’re down weeks on a good night’s sleep and co-workers exclude you from meetings as “that guy”. Deli meats? Gross. Reminds me of the unattractive woman on “private parts” swallowing the kilbasa.

    I want a late 20′s early 30′s ‘town and country’ type (Julie Bowen before she got old) that knows when she has a good deal (no complaints, no whining), realizes that I have to get some sleep now and then and puts out. Ellen sounds that way but will have to forget deli meats if she moves out here.

  9. JP Says:

    Hey BL1Y…does this site get much traffic these days?

    Have you decided to get an S.J.D. at UCLA so you can ultimately realize your dream and become a world renowed professor in federal taxation at Georgetown in your later years?

  10. Bill Says:

    Why buy the cow, if you can get the milk for free? There are plenty of women willing to screw. Read on:

    ‘A blind man walked into a diner and made a strange request to his waiter. He asked if he could have the unwashed fork of the last customer the waiter waited on.

    The perplexed waiter agreed and handed the blind man the unwashed fork.

    The blind man proceeded to put it in his mouth and said, “Hmmm, the meatloaf and mashed potatoes are good here. I’ll have that.”

    The next day, the blind man returned to the diner and did the same thing.

    Now, on the third day, the waiter saw the blind man coming into the diner. He still didn’t believe what the blind man was capable of, and he wanted to trick him. So he quickly grabbed a fork and asked his waitress wife, Amy, to pull down her panties and rub it between her legs.

    When the blind man asked for the fork, the waiter gave him the fork with a big smile on his face.

    The blind man put it in his mouth, and said, “Hmmm, I didn’t know Amy worked here.” ‘

  11. Bill Says:

    Speaking of which, can someone tell me how I can get the stink out from my fingers?

    Soap and Palmolive dishwashing lotion are not cutting it, and its been over 24 hours.

  12. Clutch Says:

    Washing your hands with mouthwash is usually pretty good at getting rid of persistent smells.

  13. Bill Says:

    I will try it, man. I have Listerine. Nasty stuff, but not as bad as nasty pussy stink.

    I think the reason wives figure out their hubbys are cheating on them is not based on any sense of women’s intuition. Instead, it’s because when the guy comes home reeking of bad pussy, the wife, familiar with her own scent, can easily detect the other woman’s stench for days, be it on the guy’s hands or on his dick.

    Crotch stench is also a good reason why men need to use industrial condoms with women other than their wives. At least when those rubbers come off, you won’t have to scrub your dick with Listerine (ouch).

  14. Pig Says:

    Bill: you’re gross. I mean really, you are gross. Your comments ruined my five grain scone for breakfast. And you’re not even funny–just gross. You are frightening the girls away. People like you are why strip clubs have a cover charges and private clubs insist on interviews.

  15. Bill Says:

    Dude, get a life, if not a set of Cohones. There may be a Julie Bowen type out there, but she won’t go for you if you are some sort of Metrosexualle.

  16. JP Says:

    I didn’t realize that the plot of the BL1Y comments section could actually get worse.

    Yet, somehow it has seemingly achieved the impossible.

    BL1Y: Please post a new blog entry with actual subject matter.

  17. Bill Says:

    JP, keep your pants onl, BL1Y has a life which does not have keeping you duly amused as a top priority.

    JP, if your first name is Johnny (with a last name of “Prude”), this reminds you of a great joke I came across which I remember as a 12 year old kid:

    Little Johnny walks into school one day to find a substitute in place of his regular teacher.

    She says, “Hello class, I’m Mrs. Prussy. When you say my name class remember it has an “r ” after the first letter. ”

    The entire class says, “Hello Mrs. Prussy. ”

    A few days later the regular teacher is still sick when Little Johnny gets to his desk the teacher asks what her name is.

    Johnny thinks hard and the says to the teacher, “I remember it has an “r ” after the first letter.

    “That’s right! ” she coaxed.

    Then after a few seconds Little Johnny says, “Mrs. Crunt? “

  18. Pig Says:

    I checked back hoping that the pork-rind eating, stum-jumping, thick-fingered buffoon named Bill was gone….but he’s still here! Its like the “desperate Hours” but with a greasy bad-smelling plumber with the usual low pants has moved into the living room and won’t leave. Bill, just be sure to ignore me in any bar so i can walk off with someone decent before everyone in the bar within earshot of you remembers they have to be somewhere else.

  19. Ellen Says:

    I also would like a NEW post.

    I have alot of good ideas I am wiling to share, but I will NOT share these until I can be ensured that I have the right peeple reading this post.

    When I was a college junior everyone wanted to date me, and men were always stareing at my chest. That continues until this day. When will men stop stareing at me?

  20. JP Says:

    The sad thing is that I prefer reading any posts by the man posting as Ellen than I do reading Bill’s comments.

    Any by “prefer” I mean that I would prefer to have just one of my toes cut off rather than my entire foot.

  21. Ellen Says:

    This man is silly calling me a man. It is probabley the same man as the one critizing the others on this web site. Real Men are not stareing at me all of the time, but I will not go out with any men who do nothing but stare at me. I want a man with a good job who I can depend on and who will marry me and take care of me and the children we have so that they can be brought up by BOTH of us. I want a man who is NOT afraied to do laundry, and change the dipers on the baby. I do NOT think you are that man, so fooey on you if you think I would allow myself to auditon for you and your imagenary friend.

  22. JP Says:

    Ellen.

    Test.

  23. Pig Says:

    Ellen, I promise I won’t stare at your chest if you promise not to talk to Bill. He does not floss his teeth, cleans his toenails with his fingernails and is known to gape in slack jawed passivity at women’s chests. I mean all women. He’s gross. Not to hurt my own chances, but th man known here as JP has a great job and takes his first dates to the National gallery after it closes at night. I take mine to LA hotspots. Bill takes them to a cow milking. So which of us is it going to be?

  24. Bill Says:

    JP and Pig are the same homo. As for Ellen, I really am not interested in anything more than a 30 minute “horizontal encounter.”

    If you were straight, you would know the answer to this question, but since you’re a metrosexual, here is the answer. It may not make sense to you, so ask a straight guy to help you out:

    Q. How do you turn a fox into an elephant?

    A. Marry it.

  25. Pig Says:

    Bill: you seem insistent on trumpeting your straightness–almost desperate in fact.

    Are you in doubt about your own orintation? Find yourself hanging out with others guys a bit too much?

    A little too much TV basketball when metros like me are out with real women? Are you wondering if the “Deliverance” hilbillies were just out for some good clean fun?

    Are you the type that didn’t laugh when Captain Oveur asked Joey on “Airplane” if he “liked Gladiator movies”? I bet you drove 100 miles to see Brokeback Mountain too.

    Anyway, thanks for the joke but its regional in impact. Women here run or do yoga all the time on a diet of sprouts and cucumbers, its hard to get them fat. A lot of the ones I spend more than 30 minutes with have good jobs too, so they are not a financial burden either. Same in Texas and New York.

    As for marriage, we marry, have our kids and the divorce . “Guys” like you, if straight, are why western civilizations are in decline: men don’t marry and won’t (or perhaps in your case can’t?) procreate. In your case, its just as well I suppse, but 6 strong backs are a terrible thing to waste.

    Anyway, “Ellen” you have to choose sometime: me or “22 Teeth” Bill here.

  26. JP Says:

    And anyway, I’m married with two kids.

    Pig, you have me confused with BL3Y. He’s the one who takes his dates to the national gallery.

    Where is BL3Y anyway? And for that matter, where is BL1Y?

    I don’t think he cares about his own blog anymore.

  27. Pig Says:

    Say its not so, JP. Bad enough that I never learned what happened to LF10, on the BitterLawyer site; now BL1Y is juggling too many balls (ooops, don’t get excited Bill), with all those other sites he’s hawking. Or maybe he got a job!

    BL1Y what IS going on here? Any scandal on the BP litigation that suppsoedly is swamping Alabama and NO? Any interest in my “Win a Date With Ellen” contest? How about blogging a live report on a “drinking in Tuscaloosa with JP?”

  28. Ellen Says:

    I do not understand also. You should KNOW that I already have a BOYFRIEND, Alan, and that he already is interested in me. The only TROUBEL is that he will not MARRY ME.

    If I am going to LOOK for a date and start all over, ugh, that would be TERRIBLE, but I perfer Accountant’s. They have education, and are NOT snobby like Men Lawyers. But I want to get MARRIED.

    I am NOT interested in Bill. He sounds funny, but he probabley is not going to be there once I get to be a “elephant”. I can say that my mother is 63 years old and she STILL is a size 6. NOT an elephant. Sorry.

  29. Pig Says:

    Ellen, ellen, ellen: feminism empowred women to make choices they are not equipped to make. Like who to sleep with and marry.

    You want a man to marry you who won’t marry you. You hope with no basis other than your blind persistence that he’ll “change” but as even bucktooth Bill knows, Alan is laughing at you every day; he plans to leave you for someone younger when your wrinkles start. (He told me).

    What is it about “no I won’t marry you” that you don’t understand? Accountants also have bad breath, and are going to be outsourced to India where you’ll have to wash camels for food (because Bill will be passed out in the hut you share with three other famileis).

    The smart choice –and it won’t be available much longer-is to hook up with me. True, I am a bit older but there is definitely a very slim chance that I will give you a clear yes or no answer on marriage after 6 months of diligent servicing of me by you, but you have to impress me in that time. If I croak you’ll be well off.

    The other choice is obviously to get Beer-Burping Bill drunk in Vegas and drag him, his sweaty unwashed bib-overalls and all, to a drive thru chapel. Then you’ll have a double wide for life. He may even have an old 8 track tape player. Just don’t let him stay out too long with “the boys.”

    This escape for you won’t be available much longer. If you get too old, you’ll be waiting tables and perfomring at seedy strip clubs. Ugh.

  30. JP Says:

    You know, I just like the phrase “snobby like Men Lawyers”.

    Pretty good, Male Troll Of Unknown Age Posting as Ellen.

  31. Bill Says:

    You dudes don’t know me and I have a sense of humour. But I have to warn you that if either of you two dudes do marry Ellen, you will be faced with the situation in this joke. Sure, she probably is pretty now, but give her a few years and you are talking D.A.W.G. I’ll take her for a roll in the hay now, without any commitment. You can then determine amongst yourself who will get my sloppy seconds.

    ‘Little Johnny went out into the garden and saw his pet cat lying on the ground with its eyes shut and its legs in the air. He fetched his Dad to look at Tiddles, and on seeing the cat he said, as gently as he could, “I’m afraid Tiddles is dead”. “So why are his legs sticking up in the air like that Dad?” asked Johnny as he fought back the tears.

    At a loss for something to say the father replied, “Tiddles’ legs are pointing straight up in the air so that it will be easier for Jesus to float down from heaven above and grab a leg and lift Tiddles up to heaven”.

    Little Johnny seemed to take his cats death quite well. However two days later when his father came home from work Johnny had tears in his eyes and said, “Mummy almost died this morning”. Fearing something terrible had happened the father shook the boy and shouted, “How do you mean Johnny?

    “Well”, mumbled Johnny “soon after you left for work this morning I saw mummy lying on the floor with her legs in the air and she was shouting “Oh Jesus!!! I’m coming, I’m coming!!!” and if it hadn’t been for the milkman holding her down she would definitely have gone, Dad”. ‘

  32. Pig Says:

    No, no: it’ll be like this:

    Ellen drunkenly marries Bill in Las vegas, and, ostracized even from WalMart and Burker King, and unable to even interest 80 yr old men, moves in with Bill despite the uninspired sex.

    A month later Bill drives his tired old pick up home to the trailer park and turns in to see BL1Y stark naked sprinting up the road with his fashionista books under his arm. Bill hits brakes and says “hey buddy, why are you out running naked?” BL1y without pausing says “because you’re home early!”

    Anyway, JP is probably right: the person masquerading as Ellen, formerly Alma “fooey on you” Federer is some anorexic,s exually confused man in an airless studio with a one burner hotplate, greasy window glass and a roll out couch.

  33. Bill Says:

    Not me, man, no way do I want to marry Ellen or any other neurotic legal beeotch.

    These women are so self-righteous because they have law degrees that the rest of us dudes don’t stand a real chance. They go for I-bankers or accountants who won’t talk back to them.

    I am sure that any dude that decides to marry any law-beeotch like her would be pussy whipped to death, and that’s not for me, man, no way. Besides whatever twat action the dude winds up getting from these law-beeotches probably isn’t worth it.

    By the way, this reminds me of a question I’ve been thinking of asking y’all: That is, what’s the difference between a bandleader and a gynecologist?

    Well, a bandleader fucks his singers and a gynecologist sucks his fingers (except of course where his patients are female law-beeotches, that is).

  34. Bill Says:

    ‘A teacher is instructing her fourth grade class, and she’s telling them that the word of the day is ‘contagious.’

    She asks if anyone can use this word in a sentence, and several students raise their hands. “Carl,” she says. Carl says, “My dad told me to stay away from kids with mumps ’cause they’re contagious.” “Very good,” says the teacher.

    Then she picks Suzie, who says, “The atmosphere was contagious.” The teacher says, “Excellent, Suzie!”

    Then she notices that little Johnny has his hand up at the back of the class. “Yes, Johnny?”

    Johnny says, “The other day, me and my dad’s a-sittin’ around, and we saw our blonde neighbor painting her fence. She had a tiny little model car paintbrush, and she was going in tiny little strokes up and down the fence, and my dad says to me, ‘Jesus, it’s gonna take that cunt ages to finish that fence.’” ‘

  35. Not a Lawyer Says:

    Ellen,

    “but I perfer Accountant’s. They have education, and are NOT snobby like Men Lawyers. ”

    I’d like to know from which pool you’re selecting your accountants? Most of the ones I know are snooty and cheap….maybe that’s why the guy doesn’t want to buy you a ring? Move on, hon. Marry a man that loves you more.

  36. Pig Says:

    Yeah Ellen: That’s the reason there’s never been TV shows called “LA Accountants,” “Accountants & Order,” or Accountants Anatomy.”

  37. Ellen Says:

    I have alot of experience with accountant’s. They get a CPA degree and are licensed , and that means they have a good credential to carry with them if they loose their job.

    I want a man that loves me and adores me and will do everything I want, and I will be that way for that man also. That is LOVE. I do NOT want to have sex with men who just want to move on. In law school, all the men liked to stare at me and asked me for sex. They were NOT interested in any kind of a relationship longer than mabye a couple of weeks. Other women who had sex with these men wound up getting dumped a few weeks later. So I did NOT want to have sex with law students.

    Now that I am working, it is very much similiar. The manageing partner at my law firm always wants me to sit with him, and he loves to take me to lunch. I do NOT enjoy that he is stareing at my breasts all of the time. And he is MARRIED. So that is why I like accountant’s. They may not be perfect, but they have a CPA degree. If their are nice CPA’s out there, they can date me.

  38. Anonymous Says:

    I cant believe you people are so interested in tapping Ellen’s “stench trench.” Talk about yokels that need it. Sheessh!

    http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=stench%20trench

  39. Pig Says:

    True, “Ellen” writes like an english as a second language east german border guard dressed in a potato sack and convinced that every capitalist pig is consumed wiht lust for her. But she seems to be the only alleged woman that Bill hasn’t scared away.

  40. Ellen's Sister Says:

    The men here making fun of my sister are the louts that will never enjoy her company in or out of bed. For your information, she is five-seven, and very attractive. men turn to look at her on the street. She works out daily and her biggest problem is that she is too deferential to men, especially professsional men. Lawyers are the people she works with and they hit on her relentlessly. She has larger than average breasts although not disgustingly large ones, and men stare at her chest as she says. I think she likes accountants because they seem too nervous too stare at her, too shy to hit on her and so she gets some respite from the lacivious stares. She does not like Jersey Shore and considers it low class. She wrinkles her nose and says “low class.” She likes art, football, and ice skating, and worked in law school to help me pay for school (I am an accountant). That’s why her grades were not good enough to get her into a really good firm. But she works for a decent one now. She also donates money to poor students. She used to lay on the couch in our small apartment in law school with her boyfriend and laugh and watch football. But she is not wealthy and needs to work. But she dresses well and i think lots of men think she has family money. She clearly wants to get married and is a catch I think. she does not like really rich men since they are arrogant. when she is on a date, will ignore passes by other guys since she is loyal to the man on the date with her. Its amazing how men blow their chances with a woman like that. Bill is a pig and Pig is a pig and so is “anonymous.”

  41. JP Says:

    I see this soap opera is moving in a different direction.

  42. Not a Lawyer Says:

    I love that the female contributors on this blog are so burdened by their insane hotness, they have to bring it to the comments section. Remember Debbie? (Yep, gorgeous with perfect breasts and unable to escape all of the men in her office constantly hitting on her.)

    Men won’t stare at your breasts if you wear a shirt, love.

  43. Ellen Says:

    I am ofended by those who are jelous of us just because we are very attractive to men. There are alot of web sights that have pretty women just like me that have to put up with men that stare at our breasts, even if we do try and be fashonable. Like my friend, Lanie.

    http://fa-lo-me.com/2011/03/31/3428/#comments

    I chalenge any man to find women who are any better than we are, even without a law degree. Fooey on you peeple for making us sound dumb.

  44. JP Says:

    Ok, so now “Ellen” is becoming a potential threat by redirecting us to a Russian website that will steal our credit card and Social Security information.

    Not cool.

  45. Bill Says:

    Dude, I had a look. It’s OK. Just a hot broad with a short skirt posing with her shirt half open but not showing anything worthwile.

    If Ellen looks like her, maybe I will reassess whether to go for her. The rest of you douches can have a look for yourself. Ellen, how about a picture of you, so that we can assess your physical qualities. I still think she’s a porker.

  46. Not a Lawyer Says:

    Ah hah! Ellen is an ugly Russian guy with a boob-fetish! Just a hunch.

  47. bl3y Says:

    “Fooey on you peeple for making us sound dumb.”

    Ellen, dearest, you do that all by yourself. You don’t need any of us to help with that. No matter. After you showed me that little trick of yours involving the ping pong balls, crisco, rocking chair and 13″ kilbasae, I don’t care if you’re a drooling, lobotomized vegetable! If I hadn’t gotten a charlie horse in the middle I think that might have been the single most erotic experience in my life! And then when your sister got involved!?! Damn…

  48. Bill Says:

    Q. Why are some women just like Kentucky Fried Chicken?

    A. After you’ve finished with the thigh and breasts, all you have left is a greasy box to put your bone in.

  49. Ellen's Sister Says:

    I think I am now so repelled by “Bill,” that i will never be able to date a man with that name. I’d sooner sleep in Raw sewage, piled excrement, or submit to a sweaty first year law student than be touched by someone named Bill, just on the off chance that he might be this exerable man.

    Then there is Bl3y who hasn’t matured since he saw the movie “Private Parts,” and probably snickered in class when anyone said “penis.”

    I may have to give JP or Pig or both a night to remember just to reward them for not being Bill, or Bl3y.

  50. Ellen Says:

    Well, i AM sorry sister. Bl3Y and I are madly in love. Fooey on you. He is real man who KNOWS what a woman wants. What we do in the privacy of our own bedroom or the bathroom in Wendy’s is no one’s business BUT our own.

  51. Ellen's Sister Says:

    Gee, sis, there are none of your usual typos, and your post is not faithful to your last description of bL3y as an “overexcited, blubbery man wih bad breath, blemish marks” and as “one of those men that thinks buying a budweiser impresses a woman used to Cristal.” BL3y, are you the only man over 30 thats still reads playboy?

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