50 Ways to Bore, Irritate, or Confuse a Man

This April’s Cosmo has an article featuring 50 Ways to Seduce a Man (In a Minute or Less).  I would have thought “Consent” would be enough, but apparently Cosmo needed to dig deeper:

“We asked Cosmo readers to share, and we must say that you ladies are some wickedly creative vixens. Steal these quickie tricks (a few are from experts too), and let them inspire countless new ones.”

1. I had just bought this new perfume. I gave my guy a whiff, then challenged him to find the patch of my body where I had spritzed it.

Either it’s somewhere fun, in which case we’ll find it in about 2 seconds, or else we don’t care and your game sucks.

2. Ask him to bring you a towel after your shower, so he can see you naked, dripping, and flushed.

By the time he gets the towel, you’re going to be cold and pissed off. Not the way we like to see you. Nice nips though.

3. “You know those treats you used to find at the bottom of a cereal box? One morning, I hid the new finger vibrator I’d just gotten in my guy’s cereal for him to discover.”

And now I have to throw out that entire box of Peanut Butter Pows. Thanks.

4. “My fiancé and I always run together, and one time on a quiet path, I told him to stop so I could tie my shoe. But when I kneeled down, I started giving him oral instead.”

And at what point did you realize how much of a sweat he had worked up from running?

5. Send him a naughty, fill-in-the-blank e-mail: “Tonight, I promise to _____ your ______ as soon as you walk in the door. Then I’ll give you a ______ for ______ minutes…” You see where we’re going with this, right?”

Cook … dinner.  Bit of peace and quiet … 150.

6. “Wearing a tight tank and no bra, I jumped on the bed in front of my guy.”

Hold on.  …Fill-in-the-blank?

That’s what she said.

7. Wake him up in the morning by sucking on his fingers as if it’s his penis.

What a wonderful way to get fish-hooked as your man is startled awake.

8. When he’s on his way home from work, start giving yourself some solo pleasure and “accidentally” dial him up. All those breathy ooohs and ahhhs will be motivation for him to get to you in time to join in on the action.

Just what we need more of, distracted guys on their cell phones speeding through traffic.

9. “I live on the fifth floor of a building, and one night, I wore a short skirt and lacy underwear, and then I walked up the stairs ahead of my guy. He practically tackled me by the time we got to my apartment.”

Fifth floor walkup? Sounds like you live in New York City, which means you were probably on the subway earlier.  Those have a lot of stairs, right? …Slut.

10. Make your evening snack a Popsicle, and tease and lick it right in front of him.

You’re going to tease the Popsicle? …I don’t think that’s how it works.

11. Steal his phone, and quickly snap a pic of your cleavage or the inside of your thigh. When you see his jaw drop, you’ll know he’s stumbled upon it.

Go ahead and forward it to all of his friends to save him the trouble.

12. Reach under the table at dinner and lightly outline the shape of his package, looking him dead in the eye the whole time.

If you don’t feel an erection, it’s because you’re staring him dead in the eye while sitting close enough to grab his crotch. That’s just creepy.

13. “I asked a guy to unzip me out of this little black dress. When he did, I let it drop to the ground to reveal I was wearing absolutely nothing underneath.”

Oh. Get naked. Clever girl.

14. Out at a noisy, crowded bar? Motion for him to come close so you can tell him something. Instead, send chills down his spine by licking his ear and blowing warm breath on the same spot.

Out at a noisy, crowded bar? Accept that you don’t always have to be the center of attention and let him have some fun with his friends for once.

15. “Before the guy I was hooking up with came over, I stripped the duvet and fluffy pillows off my bed and put together a makeshift bed on the floor of my den. When he arrived, I was lying in it, totally naked.”

Sex on the floor, it’s like sex in bed, but your back hurts the next day.

16. If you get up to go to the bathroom in the middle of the night, strip off all your clothes before sliding back into bed. There’s a good chance you’ll wake up to him pawing at you.

Make sure you wipe really, really good.

17. “I got caught in a rainstorm on my way home. A block before my place, I took off my coat so my white tee would be soaked. My boyfriend was very happy to see me.”

Bullshit. If you got “caught” in a rainstorm, it was probably summer, since that’s when most pop-up rainstorms happen. But, in the summer you wouldn’t be going around with a coat in the first place, unless you were prepared for rain, in which case you wouldn’t have been “caught” in it.

18. Take the sexy-girl-next-door fantasy to a whole new level by meeting him at the front door wearing nothing but a pair of pigtails and his favorite baseball hat.

That’s not a whole new level. That’s the original level. What did you think the sexy-girl-next door fantasy was?

19. Slip an X-rated doodle – like a couple getting it on doggie-style – into his coat pocket. To make your intentions crystal clear, title it “What I Can’t Wait to Do Tonight.”

Hold on …Take the sexy-girl-next-door?

That’s what she said.

20. My boyfriend goes crazy over this one thong I have. Occasionally, I’ll wear low riding pants and let it peek out.

Fail whale. Not sexy.

21. “One morning, I served my guy breakfast in bed, but told him he would only eat it off my body.”

I really hope you’re French. And not Irish.

22. When you come back from the gym, walk right up to him and say, “The whole time I was on the treadmill, all I was thinking about was how much I wanted to go down on you.”

What you just told your guy is that if he can convince you that you need to lose weight, he’ll get more blowjobs. “Yes, those pants do make your ass look fat, honey. Maybe spend more time on the treadmill?”

23. “I switched out our usual opaque shower curtain for a clear one. My guy walked in to find me soaping up my boobs and grinning at him. He hopped right in.”

He walked in to find you grinning at him? How exactly does that work? Do you just stare at the door smiling, soaping up your boobs, hoping he’ll walk in? That’s really weird.

[In short sidebar there are some tips for guys: “If the bathroom door is closed, it’s for a reason. Even if the water is running, puh-lease do not surprise us in the shower.”]

24. Scoop an ice cube out of his drink, and drop it down your blouse… then lean back and tell him to find it.

Get your dirty, don’t-know-where-they’ve-been fingers out of our drinks.

25. “My boyfriend and I were waiting in this crazy-long line at the DMV. To kill time, we started playing hangman. The phrase I had in mind was “I’m horny.” When he finally figured it out, we got the hell out of there.”

Which one of you made the other suffer through waiting in line at the DMV? Either way, that relationship needs to end.

26. Strip off your work clothes, but leave on your high heels as you walk around the room, tidying up, taking off your jewelry, making him drool, etc.

Right, the take off your clothes thing again. Glad it’s in here twice, wouldn’t want to forget.

27. “On our way home from visiting his parents, I told my boyfriend to plug an address into the GPS. He kept asking me where we were going, so finally I told him it was the location of a sex-toy store. Knowing that I had planned this in advance – and had been sitting at his parents’ place thinking about it for hours – totally turned him on.”

“You know what I was thinking about the whole time I was talking to your dad? Doing it.”

28. Hand-wash your tiniest lingerie, and hand it up around your house to dry… and drive him wild with lust.

Unless your guy is still in middle school, laundry is just laundry. It’s what’s inside that turns us on. So please, just clean up your damn mess.

29. Hide your turned-on vibrator in his sock drawer. When he figures out where the buzzing is coming from, tell him he gets to experience its pleasure power.

Um… what?  …No. We’ll pass, thanks. Really. Just …don’t.

30. “I asked my husband to grab something out of my purse, knowing he would find the dirty book – and especially hot scene that I’d dog-eared – stashed in there.”

Ever notice that men buy a ton of porn, but never dirty books? Yeah, he didn’t read that scene you marked. Imagine you found a pack of Topps baseball cards in his sock drawer. How turned on are you now? Same thing.

31. “Once, I snuck into the dressing room at a store with my guy, threw him up against the wall, and kissed him. We went home and had sex immediately.”

So… now he has to go out shopping with you again?

32. Slip into one of his oversize button-downs – and nothing else – before snuggling on the couch with him. Lie on your side with your head pointing away from him, so that when he looks over, he catches an up-shirt view of, well, everything.

Button-down actually refers to the type of collar, one with buttons, as opposed to a point collar. What you mean is a button-up shirt.

33. “My friends and I signed up for a pole-dancing class. I told my boyfriend I was just going out for drinks with the girls, and when I came home, I revealed where I had really been and showed him the sexy routine they’d taught us.”

So, when you signed up for the class, you already had the pole installed at home to demonstrate the routine on?

34. After a workout, come home and peel off your clothes in front of him.

See, #13 and #26 had given me the impression that you can only strip off little black dresses or work clothes. Thanks for clarifying, but perhaps the May issue could include a comprehensive list of clothes that are capable of being removed.

35. “The guy I was dating was writing a midterm paper. When he got up from his laptop, I inserted the words Let’s bleep. He met me in the bedroom ASAP.

Two words: Track changes.

36. While you’re out running mundane errands together, graze your butt past his package discreetly but very purposefully.

Then laugh at him as he pops a woody in public and tries to hide it.

37. “I’m really forward when I’m in the mood, and I’m known to just grab my guy’s hand, place it between my legs, and him a look. He loves how bold I am.”

How exactly do you become “known” for that?

38. “Drop” your purse by his feet in the middle of a crowded store. When you stand up from retrieving it, run your fingers the whole way up his leg and over his crotch.

And since it’s a crowded store, you know, as you get up… make sure he hasn’t moved and it’s not someone else standing there now.

39. “I usually start off my day with five or ten minutes of yoga. Sometimes, I do it naked, so my guy wakes up to find me in some compromising positions.”

Seriously? Have you not noticed how flattering yoga pants are? And without the creepy naked exercise factor.

40. Sit on his lap at a party. Then, subtly shift your weight back and forth over his package until he’s good and riled up. No one will know but the two of you.

…And everybody else.

41. Label areas of the house where you two have never gotten busy with creative titles like The Doggie-Style Den or The Oral Corner. Tell him the goal for the night is to move from station to station until the whole place is christened.

The Gay-For-Pay Garage, The Blumpkin Bathroom, The Finish First And Fall Asleep Before You’re Done Bedroom.

42. “I came to bed holding a wooden spatula in my hand. When my guy asked what the hell I was doing, I told him that I had been a bad girl and needed a spanking. I thought his eyes were going to bulge out of his head.”

They make wooden spatulas? What for?

I mean, other than this, what do you need a wooden one for instead of rubber?

43. “My fiancé and I trade off cleaning duties every month. When it was my turn, I put on a slutty maid costume, walked in front of him, bent over, and started dusting.”

But if we call it a slutty maid costume, ohhh, now we’re being sexist. That is such an unfair double standard.

44. Send him a naughty sext when you’re sitting right next to each other in a movie theater or when you’re out to dinner with friends.

Because nothing is sexier than being rude to the people around you. The people behind you in the theater can see the light from your cell phone, and it’s very distracting.

45. Stare longingly at his package for a few seconds.

It might just have one eye, but this is a staring contest you cannot win.

46. “I always tell my boyfriend that if I had a stripper song, it would be ‘Pour Some Sugar on Me.’ Every now and then, I’ll make sure it’s playing when he comes home. It’s like our personal sex signal, and he knows he’s in for a good night whenever that happens.”

You “always” tell him that? How many times has this come up?

47. Walk up to him, slap a pair of handcuffs on his wrists, and tell him he’s your sex slave for the night.

Just for the night? That’s more like sex indentured servitude.

48. Pull your underwear aside, and tell him you want him inside you, like, yesterday.

What you want him to hear is that you really want him inside you right this moment. What he’s going to hear is that you want him inside you like he was inside you yesterday.

If you didn’t have sex with him yesterday, start looking for a new boyfriend.

49. Orchestrate your own private peep show: Ask your guy to come around to your side of the car to help you out. When he does, have your dress or skirt hiked way up so that when you step out, he sees that you are most definitely going commando for the evening.

What would be even sexier is a basic understanding of spatial relations and geometry.

50. “On my husband’s birthday last year, I made him a cake and wrote ‘Happy Birthday! Do anything you want to me tonight’ in bright pink frosting.

We kinda already take birthday sex as a given, so you know that doesn’t count as your gift, right?

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22 Responses to “50 Ways to Bore, Irritate, or Confuse a Man”

  1. Alec Says:

    My roommate has a bamboo spatula. It’s as useless as it sounds.

  2. Qwertz Says:

    The wooden spatula is the preferred spatula for use with non-stick cookware. The rubber thing you describe is actually called a scraper, though it is very commonly confused with a spatula. A spatula is for stirring or turning the contents of a frying pan or wok (but should not be confused with a turner, which, though it resembles a spatula, is actually for grill or griddle use only, not for use in a frying pan). Spatulas are made from hard plastic, metal, or wood. Wood (esp. bamboo) is preferred because it does not contain chemicals that may leach into food under high heat and will not scratch non-stick coatings.

    If you do decide to use a wooden spatula for discipline play, be sure to purchase a dedicated one. Do not confuse it with the ones you use for cooking, as this could be unhygienic.


    PS: Heh, heh.

  3. Cam Says:

    A wooden spoon works better for discipline play than a wooden spatula.

    Once again cosmo has decreased the collective feminine IQ by double digits.

  4. Dwight Says:

    These 50 Cosmo tips are feeble at best, aren’t they? Surely women are more creative than this? And surely men are more intelligent/mature than to pop a boner at the mere sight of his girlfriend bending over?

    Really, girls. All the guys want is for you to put out without any effort once in a while. Forget the little games and toys and tricks – we guys don’t care. Just pull your pants down and fuck once in while.

    I guess these tips prove that cosmo readers are the most self-absorbed chicks on the planet. “Oh, I know he and every other guy is looking at me and wanting me 24/7, and I’m so pretty and cute that he’ll be really excited to play little games with me…” Yawn. Most women aren’t nearly as hot as they think they are, and most men really aren’t as into treating their girls as sex objects as the girls think they are.

    Comments to the 50 tips were great! Nice job.

  5. Bill Says:

    I agree with Dwight.

    The best woman is one who will fuk like a rabbit, not be afraid to give a BJ, and then then keep her mouth shut while watching sports on TV with you afterward.

  6. A Modest Proposal Says:

    A lot of these tips come off as very insecure.

    Poor Cosmo girls. I’ll love you! Long time!

  7. Ellen Says:

    I do not and can not subsribe to any of these silly ideas. I have NEVER had any problem atracting way to many men, and I have always had to many men chasing after me, so WHY would I dimean myself by doing any of these things just to atract a man? If I have to do this to get a man, then I would not be using my own brains and beauty., which my father says I should do. That is all any women need. After all, it is men that persue me, and I just want to get MARRIED, but not take my dress off to have sex all the time. I vote to have a web sight that matches peeple like me, educated women who are beautiful with genuine bonafida men who want a smart, beautiful woman like me who wants to get married and have a family.

  8. Not a Lawyer Says:

    Oh Ellen….are you really a lawyer?

    The tips, as dumb as they are, are designed for PLEASING a man, not getting one. I would hope that if a woman is going to purposefully drop her dress or flash her kooch to a man, it’s the man she’s dating and not some some dude on the subway.

    “I just want to get MARRIED, but not take my dress off to have sex all the time.”

    I am married, and you can still do it with a dress on. My husband digs it. A lot.

  9. Pig Says:

    Stupid as COSMO usually is, these suggestions are marrrvelous, and I have to disagree with Bl1Y’s crabby reaction.

    Bill of course, has no use for them: there is no room for anything in his tractor-trailer with a sleeper bunk, and no romance in his trailer festooned with empty beer cans, dirty socks, a non working shower and an unwashed toilet. And his belt buckles, designed to hold in part of his ponderous pork-rind induced gut, get in the way of a woman wanting to brush against him (although his failure to shower more than once a week would deter that anyway).

    But for the rest of the world, these are some great flirts and teases.

    A woman that does these shows that she values you-and when she does them in public for you its even better. women that do these rarely need to worry about their BF’s having affairs.

    I see GF’s and wives all the time with a relationship death wish: they ridicule their husbands, roll their eyes at his jokes and would never sit on his lap and wiggle in private much less public. They are the types that sit in reataraunts w/o talking to each other, with the women knowing that she could have done “better” while forgetting that she didn’t. And the man just wishing he were anywhere else. Ugggh.

    PS: “Not a lawyer,” you seem to be of above average intellect: how about giving us a break forom “Ellen’s” tedious insistence that she wants to get married and tell us what you’d add to the Cosmo list?

    PPS: to Bill; thank you for not adding any more gross jokes to this post.

    PPSS: to Ellen: how old are you anyway? I mean assuming you really are a woman, and not a juiceless, over 55, transgendered-disabled-vegan member of the socialists of the world book club.

  10. Not a Lawyer Says:

    Well, since I’m not as fabulous and creative as a Cosmo Girl and don’t likely exude the animal magnetism that makes grown professional men stop and pant at Ellen’s breasts, I’ll share what works for me these days.

    Here’s my top 3 things to say or do that will make my husband smirk and make his “Yeah-Baby-Let’s-Do-It” face.

    3. We have about 20 minutes between the kids’ soccer games…

    2. Drinking a 3rd glass of wine is almost always 100% guaranteed “Let’s do it” behavior.

    1. Wanna do it?

  11. Mike Says:

    I only read the first 18 so far, but you are absolutely cracking me up. Nice work on this piece BL1Y. I’ll get back to you on 19-50, ha.

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