50 Cosmo Sex Moves, Annoted Edition

Time once again for my signature break down of Cosmo’s ridiculous sex lists:

The August issue of Cosmo asked just over 2,600 guys to rate 50 different sex moves. Cosmo has a pretty solid record of giving women advice so bad it would fix Tiger Woods’s golf game, so you’d think going to actual guys for answers would produce extremely good responses. But, Cosmo didn’t ask just any guys: “we went straight to the source, 2,603 horny guys.”

Bad choice. Horny guys are morons and are inclined to say that they’re turned on by just about anything.

A study at Berkeley found that when not aroused, 13% of men think it could be fun to have sex with someone who is extremely fat. When aroused, the number jumped to 24%, an 85% increase. There was a 55% increase in men who found shoes erotic when aroused; a 75% increase in men who could see themselves having sex with another man; a 229% increase in men who could find a 60 year old attractive; a 100% increase in men who could find a 12 year old girl attractive; and, a 167% increase in the number of men who would be down for bestiality.

In order to understand what will actually work on your guy, not just what weird shit he’ll say he’s in to while in heat, we have to dig just a little deeper than Cosmo’s analytical model of (no lie) Smiley Face/Sad Face, represented after each move.

The moves are broken down into six categories: Seduction, Kissing, Foreplay, Oral, Sex, and Naughty Bonus Moves. (Cosmo does not specify how to unlock the bonus moves.)


1. Calling him while you’re masturbating, giving him a preview of the moans you’re going to make later that night. :-D

It’ll be a turn on at the time. But potentially a huge disappointment when he comes over later and you’ve already worn yourself out. You get mad when he finishes early, so think how pissed he’ll be when you’re done before he even shows up.

2. Asking him to give you a lap dance. :-(

Giving you a lap dance isn’t really a turn on for us, but if we’re indifferent and you think you’ll like it, we’ll go for it. The problem is about a minute into the routine, it’ll be pretty clear it doesn’t do anything for you either, and now it’s just a game of awkward chicken, seeing who caves in first.

3. Putting on a playlist of slow love songs to set the mood. :-/

The music won’t really be a turn for men in and of itself. But the subtext of “hey handsome, you’re totally getting laid tonight,” that’s something we really like to hear, even if it’s Enya saying it.

4. Putting on a playlist of rap and hip-hop songs to set the mood. :-(

“Damn homey, in high school you was the man homey. The f*ck happened to you?” The horny Cosmo men get this one right. Pretty much the last thing we want to hear during sex is 50 Cent talking about how he sodomizes other men. It gets us jealous.

5. Drawing a bubble bath and offering to wash his body before you have sex. :-D

A bubble bath sounds sexy, but the cramped space makes shower sex look easy. This is just going to result in a lot of sloshing and a wet bathroom floor that you’ll expect us to clean up because you “went to the trouble of drawing the bath.”

6. Taking his hand and pressing it against your underwear so he can feel how horny you are. :-D

Nothing wrong here. …Except that it’s mislabeled. If this is seduction, what the hell is foreplay?

7. Decorating the bed with rose petals and lighting a bunch of candles. :-/

Men don’t really care about stock romantic props like this. But, candle light is extremely flattering. When you look good, we’re happy. Even better, when you look good, you’re happy, and that makes you more confident, which leads you to do more things that make us happy. Everybody wins, especially us.

Read the rest on College Humor.

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221 Responses to “50 Cosmo Sex Moves, Annoted Edition”

  1. Ellen Says:

    I do NOT like it when men want to have meaninless sex with me. I am NOT a sex object. I am a person with feelings, not a blowup doll who can be twisted into diferent sexuel positions.

    When I was in college, alot of men wanted to date me, and to many of them said they did NOT want just to sleep with me. But when I went out on a date with them, they always took me back to thier room and wanted for me to do stuff to them, even if it was not sexuel intercourse.

    So I think a woman has to protect herselves from men who just want to have sex, even if they do not actuelly stick it in.

    Please be carful, ladies, b/c men just want to do it and then dump us for the next gal who is hot.

    Beleive me, I know.

  2. Pig Says:

    OK, OK, I’ll chime in on this recycled post. Even though it seems everyone else has given up….JP? not a Lawyer? “Hank?”….Bueller?

    I too find meaningless sex replusive, and would not have sex with Ellen since she would fail the basic tests for a desireable women.

    One, women must be nice to waiters, kids and old people. Not too nice, since I get jealous if a waiter fawns over a date and she reciprocates (unless the waiter in flaming gay or old). I sense Elen would be rude and demanding to waiters and grow worse over time. “You old fool,” for example, is what ellen would say to a waiter.

    Two, they have to be attractive –at least law school hot-even if I am not that attractive: I just have high standards sinec I got really lucky a few times and this has spoiled me. sex with the attarctive and smart ones has made it impossible for me to settle for less.

    Three, they have to be smart: I cannot stand women who aren’t and while this cuts me off from a lot of them, its makes sex with those who are phenomenal. Obviously anyone having sex with Ellen -if she is a woman- would never climax since they’d be wondering how the hell they got into this mess and how soon they could gracefully leave.
    That is what Blackberry alarms are for “holy shit, I have to be in court/meeting/closing in 40 minutes!”

  3. Not a Lawyer Says:

    Ellen, when you go to a guys room/apartment/house after a date, you are nonverbally agreeing to some sort of hanky panky….or at least assume you are or you are very likely in for some awkwardness. Why else would you go home with him?

    Don’t be stupid. If you want to chat over coffee, go to Ihop.

  4. Alma Federer Says:

    Yes, I have to agree with “Not a Lawyer” here.

    Ellen, you must remember that men really are pigs at heart, and their main goal is to have sex with pretty women. That is why pretty women like us have to protect ourselves. That includes NOT being alone with a guy in his apartment (you are not going there to play Yahtze, and don’t want to go there to play with his X-Box).

    No one is going to be in your corner if you wind up pregnant, so remember to keep your self out of places where men will take advantage of you. Also, do NOT agree to spread your legs for any man until you are ENGAGED.

  5. Not a Lawyer Says:

    Don’t listen to Alma, Ellen. I got pregnant, THEN engaged. And had Baby #2 before our 2nd anniversary. We obviously like meaningless sex.

    It’s a sad sad day when a 7-years-married mother of 2 is seeing more action than 2 gorgeous single ladies put together. Sad. :(

  6. Pig Says:

    Not a Lawyer: nothing sad about those two (one?) off by themselves: women that hit age 36 with no marriage and no kids tend to be weird (unless they are a cardiothoracic surgeon or MBA type with her own start up), in which case they probably have more guys after them than they can count. I hope Alma has fun with her cats. And I hope you are having fun with your kids. You have a very lucky husband-you sound so–normal.

  7. Bill Says:

    Pig, I am not sure about any of these dames. After some deliberation I do think that Ellen has to be fairly attractive. How else could someone so dumb get through law school and into a law firm these days? Obviously her looks.

    As to Alma, well she is probably an ugly old workhorse who does not want anyone else to have fun since no one has ever been interested in exploring her nether regions.

  8. pig Says:

    Bill, your logic as to Ellen is compelling: and who else would possess the nerve to say such stupid things without a normal person’s worry that they will be ridiculed?

    Now the market is down 500 pts, debt is now 100% of GDP, and I decided that we in California will ride it out as usual: why?

    Because Jerry “Moonbeam” Brown is adding a way out liberal to our supreme court who will hopefully add some new torts –the sooner the better. Like the wacky Rose Bird he added last time he was governor, the wacky judges–oh excuse me –justices–will add new tort law, providing lots of work for defense lawyers as businesses try to stave off total ruin. That is my hoped for salvation. That and the brilliant reccomendation by one of my close friends–a woman who was paying her deadbeat ex support–to get a cut off date for spousal support.

    Alabama has the endless litigation from the Gulf spill. What does NY have now that 9-11 litigation is done?

  9. Alma Federer Says:

    FOOEY ON YOU LOSERS! I have had men interested in me over the years, but they were all like you. Jerks! I could have been married at least twice over the years, had I given some of these jerks the chance to ask me, but I was smart enough to keep them at bay when I knew that I would not be able to stand living with them 24/7, and providing them with an outlet for sexual release. The thought of some of these losers squeezing and wheezing while sweating and panting was just too much for me to handle, as it is for a lot of other gals like me who are not married. While I still think that I would make an exception for guys like Brad Pitt and Tom Cruise, the vast majority of guys I have met I simply cannot see spending time in bed with. So I may remain single, but I am not unhappy. Fooey on you who think I am.

  10. Not a Lawyer Says:

    God bless you Alma! No comment chain is complete without a couple of “Fooeys”. And the real losers of your story are the poor schmucks that wanted to marry you without sampling the goods first. No one, and I mean NO ONE is that hot.

    Oh Pig, work is so depressing, I spend time dicking around on this blog to escape the pain. We are on day 32 of 100+ temps and drought and the Dow is down. But at least I don’t live in CA. Thanks for cheering me up. :) BTW, who is left in CA? It seems like everywhere I turn we have Californian and Canadian transplants here in good ‘ole Texas.

  11. Pig Says:

    Alma, I’m wipng all that Fooey off my face, and my brioni tie, but I too am courting cobwebs and old age by being totally unrealistic.

    I don’t look like Brad Pitt and am not as charming as he must be (how does one guy get so lucky with those looks and his personality?). But I am holding out for Tiger Woods’ ex who has about 100m to spend on her boyfriends.

    My chances are good! Elin will probably like it that I am evidently the one guy in North America who hasn’t slept with Tiger’s mistresses (esp that skanky one named Uchitel–i mean she is as ubiquitous as bedbugs).

    Pippa Middleton is also a possibility, (not THAT hot but she seems to be a spicey one).

    The worst of going with any of them would be the snarky just loud enough for me to hear but not loud enough to take offense– “what’s she doing with him?.” But I get that now with my kids. (Note to self: do DNA test on kids). My lawyer will be in touch with you about the tie.

    Not A Lawyer, there is no cause to worry! I have figured out a retirement plan for everyone (die at my desk) and have kept one of my old 4 door monstrosities so my kids can skip the expensive funeral with greedy relatives and just run me off Santa Monica Pier into the Ocean, assuming they can afford the gas.

    I am stuck in California till my kids sprout wings, but no surprise many of us are flowing to Texas. We have a 9.5% income tax, a 8.75% sales tax, a property tax, etc.

    Someone has to pay for those 90% pensions state workers get at age 50 (for real–UC professors can retire at age 50).

    That’s who all those people are you see jogging and sipping lattes when your’re driving to work–retired UC professors in Texas. if in doubt just say “hi.” They’ll reply “hey dude.”

  12. JP Says:

    Ok, I’m back.

    I had to agressively trade the market these past few days. Whenever the market is experiencing a severe downdraft, you can expect to not see me here.

    I finally sold everything and went to 100% cash.

    Now I can wander around in here for a time.

  13. JP Says:

    I’m here at work filing and faxing at 9:15 p.m. Well, I went to dinner with my family across the street and then wandered back here to work so that they could play computer games. They just left, so I decided to see what was happening here. I was surprised there was a new post.

    What I really need is an actual assistant to do assistant-type work like filing and faxing.

    Why do legal assistants *never* want to file?

  14. Bill Says:

    I once knew a legal assistant that didn’t want to do nearly anything. Fortunately, she was good at one thing–she didn’t mind going into the file room with the associates, and more than a few of them got their wankers beat to hell by her twat. I was not one of these associates.

  15. pig Says:

    jp: it really is about time you got back. So it took a rating downgrade to get you back here?

    None of my assistants ever wanted to file either. They delegated it to someone else. Then when I needed something it was a three ring circus to find anything. Now i try to keep everything i need for current matters in my office. Even in a pile I can find it faster than our file room.

    So what happens now with rating drop?

  16. Alma Federer Says:

    I still think Pig and JP are the same person. You all should know that I am also pretty. Very pretty. So there. I do not need you men to put me down either. If I tell Ellen to be careful, it is because of the lessons I learned in life. She should not start in with men who just want to f**** her. Why can’t you men understand that women need a relationship, not just meaningless sex?

  17. JP Says:

    I have absolutely no idea what the downgrade will do.

    I’m not going to touch the markets again until we get a nice bear market rally and I can rebuy GRZZX.

    Probably nothing helpful or positive with respect to Not A Lawyer’s job.

    I also think Bank of America is in the process of imploding based on it’s stock price.

    I hope that Citibank gets below $5 a share so that they do a reverse split again. I thought it was funny the last time they did it.

  18. JP Says:

    Alma, I don’t even think you’re a real person.

    In fact, I don’t even think you’re a real troll.

  19. Bill Says:

    JP. believe me, this dame is real. I am pretty sure I went to college with her. There cant be two broads with a name like that.

  20. Alma Federer Says:

    Fooey on all of you! I never said I was a virgin. And I do not know anyone named Bill, so there! Fooey!

  21. Hank Says:

    If there is no one around here that wants to bang you, Alma, I suggest you find a ladies’ site for people who like cats and who have cobwebs in their crotch.

  22. Not a Lawyer Says:

    This is NOT a good day in banking. I thought my husband was crazy and paranoid for converting most of his portfolio to commodities like gold and silver. Looks like he made the better move. Ugh. I didn’t go to the office today but I can hear the swearing from here.

    JP – I’m expecting to get riffed early next month. No surprises there. I work in the smallest satellite function (4 ppl) of my department. They have the “New York Office, Hong Kong, Tokyo, London, and……Texas? Why do we have a team in Texas? What are they doing? Get rid of that.”

    Alma/Ellen – a few things. 1. Yes, we all know you think you’re pretty, but have failed to provide any evidence to support your assertion. 2. I’m prettier. (I’m from Dallas – the bar is set high. You understand.) 3. You may have had sex, but it wasn’t good sex, or you’d have a different attitude about it.

  23. Anonymous Says:

    Isn’t this BLOG to be about cosmo moves and what women should do to please men?

    If so, please cease and desist.

    I remember when I was in law school, I met an undergrad student up in the stacks of the library. We looked at each other over Corpus Juris Secundum, and before you know it, my hand was down her pants.

    5 minutes later, we went back to her place, and we went at it, nekkid, for an hour. That was one time it was good to be a law student. She was not virgin, let me tell you. And after we had at it, there wasn’t one orifice that wasn’t poked by me.

  24. pig Says:

    Cosmo moves? The economy is falling apart, attractive women associates are now available to be exploited by lecherous older partners, and Not A Lawyer seems to be the only sane woman on the internet (except for those writing for the wall st journal). Chris Christie is gaining weight, Jerry Brown is holding down the flush handle on my state….And you want to discuss Cosmo moves?

    anon, do they have cable tv where you live?

  25. Alma Federer Says:

    Yes, Fooey on this. We are in serious times, and people should be thinking of more than recreational sex. Every time I think of sweaty hairy men trying to part my legs so that they can stick their weenie in me, I resolve to keep my knees together and men off of me.

    That is also why I counsel other women to keep their men at bay, and their knees together until AFTER they are engaged. What is so wrong about that?

    Even pretty women like us make mistakes, and if you let a guy have his way, you will wind up pregnant, and the guy will take off on you. If you don’t believe me, then believe the movies.

    All pretty women regret these actions, and if you think we are old cat ladies, it is only because we have learned our lesson.

    Women of the Internet unite!

    — We Lock a dime betwixt our knees,

    — In order to ensure men don’t sting our vulvas like bees.

    Fooey on men who do not respect our vulvas.

  26. JP Says:

    Anon: I don’t know what you are talking about.

    This comments section is dedicated to discussing the current financial fiasco.

    Not A Lawyer: Gold’s doing pretty well. Silver’s performing like an industrial commodity. Bank of America is apparently imploding. Again. Although everything’s up today in what appears to be a bear market rally.

    Are you moving down the street to a real Bank or one of those converted investment “banks”?

    Pig: Any market commentary? I’m personally going to ignore anything that comes out of Bernake’s mouth. Everything that Bernake did with QEII just got vaporized with the S&P Downgrade.

    Alma: Do you know who Ben Bernake is? Do you know the general difference between a “stock” and a “bond”?

  27. Not a Lawyer Says:

    Both of my future prospects took beatings yesterday…well, who didn’t?

    I’m moving to whichever type of bank wants to pay me six figures to analyze and redesign their broken processes as identified by the FRB consent orders on 11 major banks. I have 2 main prospects that I’m looking into – both are retail TBTF banks, though.

    Oh Alma/Ellen – if you’re so wonderful (questionable), and have any decent taste in men (very questionable), and happen to get pregnant (never gonna happen – because you are male), your boyfriend should be thrilled to marry you. Mine was.

  28. Pig Says:

    JP: which way? None look great. I am betting on A but you never know.

    Track A: Fed continues to print to support the wage price system we have instead of letting it fall and painfully adjust; this effectively devalues the dollar and monetizes debt: Prices rise faster as the US is awash in dollars. Treasury auctions have to offer higher rates, leaving less money for domestic spending.

    Oil prices rise to match devalued dollars, City utilities cannot pay for enough oil and we have brownouts.

    The US does what FDR did–bans private ownership of gold to deny the “exploiters” an “unfair advantage.” Imposes wage and price controls like Nixon in ’72 to prevent “exploitation.”

    Rents frozen nationwide “temporarily.” Farmers hit with “Fair pricing” laws, and stop farming so much. Refiners start selling abroad or closing and a new agency set up to administer all the requests for increases. Unions strike often. Rationing for “fairness” on gasoline, tires etc.

    Farm products used more for export to raise hard cash.

    People with stored food and alcohol are kings and queens for a while. Anyone able to sell abroad can raise cash. People move from gold to stamps and diamonds which are easier to sell privately. Bartering gains. Food exports banned but prices still controlled. Blackmarket food supplies come into existence. Companies sell abroad and keep money abroad too.

    Banks still do well. BL1Y makes his rolls royce out of gold like Goldfinger and flies to India to sell his gold. Lawyers do well in DC as lobbyists and locally to explain Wage Price controls. Attractive women say “My BF is a farmer” or “Price Negotiator.” Alma still has no date.

    Track 2: U.N.C.L.E. agents put a banana peel in front of Bernake and install some curmudgeon who raises interest rates: the GOP ends deficit financing. 21% on a car loan, 14% on real estate–like 1980.

    Economy crashes. More people out of work. Homeowners find the REMAX agents that sold them on adjustable mortages and burn them at stakes.

    Only pimps, drug dealers and whatnot have wads of cash. Unemployment rises to 14.5%. No one leaves a job now. Juries are less liberal than ever. Car payments last 8 years. Credit card interest is made payable w/o interest over 10 years. Hair satyles return to long 70′s styles that don’t have to be styled as often. Disco comes back. (ugh) Lawyers perversely weather this because of foreclosure work. Long skirts are back (ugh). Women prefer any man with a job.
    Assholes that run law firms insist on suits again.

    Alma sells herself to a wealthy shiek who promises to respect her: when she gets to Fez, she is made to wash him with goat butter.

    Jeans that cost 300 do not exist except in BevHills; houses are places to live again; kids do not expect to study abroad as part of college; the rich feel self conscious and avoid conspicuous dislpays.

    EPA stops trying to force states like Texas to close generating plants. Bsiness crawls back to life. After 4 years of pain, economy emerges from the hangover. All politicians that administered the cure are voted out.

    Cycle starts all over again.

    Track C: mixtures of all the above: economy stagnates “”Stagflation” last seen in the 70′s).

  29. Ms. Stankwad Says:

    Stinky Pussy Lyrics

    Lay it on me mama

    Ah, this stanky stuff sure is good

    Pussy stank but so do Marijuana

    Put your pee funk on me mama

    Oooh Baby!

    Pussy stank but so do Marijuana

    No baby, don’t wash that thang, don’t wash that thang

    Pussy stank but so do Marijuana

    Put that soap down, baby, put that soap down

    I want it raw, mother, i want it raw

    Pussy stank but so do Marijuana

  30. Alma Federer Says:

    Goat butter? I don’t think so.

    I also do not fancy myself marrying an Arab Sheik.

    I think the only Arab I could stomach was Lawrence Olivier in Lawrence of Arabia.

  31. Bill Says:

    Where are the bimbos? Bring on some beeotches willing to provide some real entertainment for us!

    Not these sorry excuses for broads, either.

  32. Danielle Says:

    I peruse this site from time to time and am always nauseated by some of the comments.

    The “Bill” or “Hank” for example, seem like mediocre, docker wearing guys in worn out, stained cloth recliners, scarfing their 3rd bowl of cheetoes and swigging cheap beer while typing on a aged desktop in a windowless office at some off the main drag filling station. Waiting for some “broad” to pull in in a nice car, providing a all too transitory reason to tuck in their shirt, slick back what’s left of their hair, suck in their paunch, wipe the cheetoes off their face, and amble out to see a slice of the world.

    I am so sorry for the women that have to find their friday night dates with guys like that.

    Don’t you guys get it? Women that wear 2000-3000 outfits, sporting a rolex, cartier or piaget and sipping wine at CUT have little or no interest in the trailer trash comments here. Or the (doubtless) double wide men that make them.

    Life is pasing you by guys. You are like the moth-eaten character in so many movies–stained overalls, frazzled hair, paunch and a distracted small town sort of outlook on life. Even if you’re lawyers, you are that character.

    If you can’t keep up with women that make enough to buy heir own Mercedes or DB9, you’ll have to settle for the weird “Alma” and “Ellen ” types here–assuming either is a woman.

  33. Not a Lawyer Says:

    Danielle, honey, if I may….

    “I am so sorry for the women that have to find their friday night dates with guys like that. ”

    Why should you have sympathy for a woman that throws herself at a scumbag out of desperation? There are few things more reprehensible (Alma’s vulva for one, but that’s neither here nor there).

    I doubt very much that you know anything about $3000 outfits, fine wine, or CUT. In case you didn’t notice we were discussing the current state of the markets, as we are in the midst of unprecedented political and financial crises. So, please feel free to weigh in if you can, but you’re not fooling anyone with your conceited, label-dropping, drivel.

  34. Ellen Says:

    I agree with this POST. I will NOT subject myself to men who do not RESPECT me, and I will NOT provide any kind of sexuel relief to any greasey men who do not buy me a nice dinner at least. Fooey on Bill.

    There are to many women that allow this to go on, and I am NOT going to be one of them.

    I know alot of things, but do NOT even know what CUT is? Does that make me dumm? I do NOT think so. Fooey on Daneille also.

  35. Danielle Says:

    Not A Lawyer-

    “Drivel”? That hurts!

    But first, I do feel bad for women who have limited choices in men and not always because of bad judgment. Not everyone had parents that were supportive, encouraging and sometimes, maybe oftentimes, women (and men) that could have been more have to settle for less.

    That’s reality: every woman born in, for example, Hazzard County cannot leave and go to grad school, no matter how smart she is. Women that didn’t get facials, orthodontia etc are really not going to be let into good sororities by other spoiled girls, who miraculously see just before the end of the Disney movie, that the ugly duckling is really one of them.

    I respect you Not A Lawyer, and your posts here are usually very sensible. But patronizing me by suggesting I am putting on airs or being conceited is not necessary (did I take a pot shot at you for being knocked up in your 20′s? No, because I respect what you have done. Building a family is marvelous).

    What you do not do by choice or limitations of family does not mean others are not doing it. Some people do eat at CUT and have 3000 outfits. I was at CUT last week (its in the Beverly Wilshire hotel in B Hills, in the back, right next to the Bar, which is separately run), had a petite filet (OK only a third of it) and a half glass of wine.

    You are right about the fine wine: whatever I know about wines I learned from the movie “Bottle Shock.” I like “good” wine –that tastes good-but have no patience for people who carry on about the bouquet and the year. I know wine is all marked up wherever you go, so I get reliable names I buy myself. I’d rather talk stocks or currency trading.

    I am not married and do not have kids yet so it may be easier for me to spend and eat out. I am not knocking your career choices , but I assume you agree its easier to eat at Mr. Chow (yes I go there too!) if you don’t have kids at home. And yes, this all means more pressure later to find the “right” guy and have kids before the egg timer rings.

    I posted because I am up to here (indicating chin) with the slimey comments by the physically and intellectually paunchy people posting about “broads” as “Hank” and “Bill” who are probably named “Zeke” and “Goober.”

    I don’t think this is so “unprecedented.” Its hardly as bad as the Great Depression and there will always be demand for baby products, food, transportation, heating oil, medical attention and Ngas. And I suppose lawyers.

    I will now return to my normal state of non-posting for a bit.

  36. Bill Says:


    After reading the post above from “Danielle”, maybe a broad Ellen may start to look a bit better, tho not worth spending more than a few bucks on.

    Why is it that these dames like this Danielle get so put off when men don’t fall all over themselves to impress them?

    In the mean time, this woman takes pain to point out that she’s dining at some fancy restaurant in Beverly Hills and drinking some fine wine.

    Big deal. I’ll take a Heineken and a burger any time, and might even pay for a decent woman who wanted one.

    Note that this woman is single and proud of it. That is because most guys are busy heading in the opposite direction. Who needs a broad like this with an attitude like that?

  37. Not a Lawyer Says:

    Okay Danielle, maybe I jumped your ass a tad too much. I just personally have a particular distaste for the doucebaggery of, “I’m superior because I eat this, and wear that, and drive that….” I know too many people like this, and in most cases, it’s all a scam anyway. The single, upwardly mobile, successful are, in some cases, less financially solvent than my cleaning lady.

    And I don’t think getting knocked up at 25 is necesarily bash-worthy. It’s a great age to carry and deliver a child. I was also a college graduate in a stable relationship. No big deal. If you were to ever meet the precocious, genius little “mini-me” that came from that, you’d wish you’d done the same. She’s freaking amazing, and I have my 30s and 40s to really enjoy her as a child growing into a young woman. I don’t mind being the youngest mom on the PTA.

    I also spent my college years working at some of the finest restaurants and clubs in Dallas, and I’m not blown away by the sophistication of the patrons. I’ve pulled more cokewhores out of the bathroom at the Ritz than one should ever have to, but hey, if it made that woman feel special and superior to BE at the Ritz, so be it. It means us normal folk are going to go somewhere else for our $20 martinis.

    Hank is disgusting – I don’t think I’ve ever even acknowledged his presence until this post. And I don’t think these guys are sitting in their boxers wondering why all of the hottest girls about town in their expensive clothes and cars aren’t banging down their doors. If they are, I missed that. As a matter of fact, the only one complaining about singledom is the guy we call Alma/Ellen.

    Now – the current state of affairs. There is no doubt the stock market is always subject ot volatility and that large swings like we saw last week have happened before and will happen again, BUT in this political environment, with the S&P downgrade, 3 years after a failed “bailout”, with the administration’s failing yet expensive initiatives to keep people in their homes despite unemployment, and a congress that can’t agree on anything? The housing bubble? The mortgage backed securities? Unprecedented.

  38. JP Says:

    I’m trying to figure out the soverign debt bubble myself. I tend to read Doug Noland on that issue.

    I’m watching Europe to see if it’s going to implode somehow. It looks like they’ve kicked the can now that the rates on the Italian and Spanish bonds have improved.

    I have absolutely no idea what’s going to happen, but apparently the 10-year treasury is going to drop below 2%. I guess we’re going to issue debt from here to eternity at close to 0% until something goes terribly horribly wrong.

    My wife had our first child at 24, I think. I had my mother dead when I was 20 and my father permanetly disabled from a stroke at 25, so having kids in your 20′s (preferably early 20′s) seems the biologically logical choice.

    One of my friends (bipolar) from college dated a cokestripper for awhile. That ended very, very badly.

    What do you do, Danielle? And what brings you to BL1Y.com?

    I think I ended up here because I was doing a search for Tucker Max. Then I realized that BL1Y had abandoned his blog for greener pastures and turned it over to Pig to manage.

    And thus, you have the modern BL1Y comment section.

  39. Ellen Says:

    Why is this BLOG geting so cirebral all of a sudden?

    The last time I looked there were alot of on-point coments but now this is becomming a private webspace for people to become friendly?

    I think we should keep the coments on topic as my law school teacher said.

  40. Pig Says:

    Was keeping my head down while the Not A Lawyer/danielle exchange went on. Much more entertaining than the “fooeys”. Am going to CUT–not to eat– but to ask “are you Danielle?” If anyone responds in the affirmative, I will get names of outfit designers and report.

    I feel like the dog in that Traveler’s insurance commercial: worry, worry.

    With rates at near zero, and the economy stalling, whats left except more monetary expansion? If Fed does not print, and economy slumps, unemployment rises, then won’t pressure mount to inflate some more? So commodities are the only safe bet?

    Read more gloom and doom on the Weimar republic and Argentina when they inflated (e.g., “When Money Dies,”): farmers were kings; city people sold valuables at a loss for food; wage price and “exploitation” controls made things worse. This of course is the stuff of banana republics –places with too much debt that print too much money.

    If we do a slump like 1979-1983 will it work? A UCLA Study said that FDR’s wage maintenance policies kept the depression going for 7 years longer than needed, by refusing to allow wages to drop/adjust. Same effect now with state employee union contracts and other union wage maintence contracts. Wages can’t fall, so fewer people employed. So it seems “stuck”. Like it is now. Too much stimulus went to propping up state employee wages and benefits. Now the stimulus is used up and there is no return to normal in the cards. No tax payments to keep them up. So when do they get cut? Ever?

    Are there enough euros to prop up Greece again, then Spain, Italy and whoever is next?. Euro bonds are simply more debt spread forward. How long do the Germans pay for the “vacation countries?” or buy the “bonds” whihc no one can really back but them? They already retire at age 67 with Greeks retiring at age 52 or 55.

    So JP: What is harm to US other than export slump if EU implodes?

  41. JP Says:

    I’m more worried about some sort of Creditanstalt event that really shreds the system.

    I suspect this is what would have happened in 2008 if they hadn’t put the system on life support. So far, they seem to be able to keep things from completely imploding by printing random huge amounts od debt.

    I’m not very worried about us becoming Argentina. We’re all going to get fed.

    Spain’s the third largest bond market in the world, but rates are back down again, so I guess whatever they are doing is working at the moment.

    From Wikipedia:

    “The Creditanstalt (sometimes Credit-Anstalt[1] or CA) was an Austrian bank. The Creditanstalt was based in Vienna, founded in 1855 as K. k. priv. Österreichische Credit-Anstalt für Handel und Gewerbe (approximately translated as: Imperial royal privileged Austrian Credit-Institute for Commerce and Industry) by the Rothschild family. Being very successful, it became the largest bank of Austria-Hungary. It declared bankruptcy on May 11, 1931. It has been said that this event resulted in a global financial crisis and ultimately the bank failures of the Great Depression.”

  42. Hank Says:

    My girlfriend is so dumb — when we went to bed, she put a pillow under her ass, instead of her head!

  43. JP Says:

    BL1Y just acknowledged that he doesn’t read what is posted here anymore. I think he’s too busy with his day job.

    That means that Pig can continue to be President of the BL1Y Comments Section.

    Congrats, Pig!

  44. Ellen Says:

    JP you do NOT know that. I think that the person that ownes the sight has to read it.

    If he does not then he does not know anything about the sight.

    I do NOT even know if he has a day job. Was’nt he working in NY but got lade off?

    You men are so silly some times. Fooey on you!

  45. Pig (El Presidente and el jeffe of Site) Says:

    Is this a paid Position?
    Is there math involved?
    Do I get a PA? (Can I pick the PA?)

    Can I impose punishments? Like planning spectacular endings to the disobedient ones, and you have to escape by tricking a guard (“Oh, I’m sick, come in and help me”) or escape through a unbelievably located and unsecured air duct in your cell?

    You can forget it: my guards are instructed to let you be sick and we’ve welded the ducts. And there are no lights in your cell to be unscrewed so you can electrocute the guards.

    By my new authority as “BL1Y el jeffe”, (or the “hand” of BL1Y, to use the phrase from Game of Thrones,”) I now dictate that

    “ellen” must not use ALL CAPS!

    Not A Lawyer must post at least once a week: men, food, other women, life after kids… no more week long absences! Are you worried about aging? Is Rick Perry liked there? Do all Texans say “ya’ll”? I mean really: put the kids in a play pen, stick a pacifier in their mouths, turn on a Disney dvd and post!

    “Hank” must stop using the term “broads.” (It upsets Daniele)

    JP must acknowledge his age, political leanings, and portfolio allocations. Did he vote for Obama? Will he again? And what women are you dating or marired to? Lawyer? Another Not A Lawyer?

    Danielle must provide restaraunt reviews of LA places normal people eat, and the names of the outfits she wears. Where do you buy that stuff? You don’t shop with tourists on Rodeo do you?

    Chop chop!

  46. JP Says:

    Mr. Market was unhappy today with the fact that we are in a recession now.

    My wife uses y’all. She’s not a Texan. I don’t even know if Not a Lawyer is a “Texan”. She could be a New Englander for all we know who became dazzled with the University of Texas for some strange reason such as its proximity to Arizona.

  47. Ellen Says:

    I do NOT agree with this. I think men should be nice to women and NOT just have sex with women.

  48. JP Says:

    Bank of America is going to lay off 10,000 employees.

    Of course, they have 300,000.

  49. pig Says:

    i see its stock is cratering and i saw the layoff. what happened to it? is is more of the delayed mortgages going bad?

    And do I assume that most of the layoffs are in California?

    Too bad whatever the cause. BofA was started by an italian immigrant and grew to be the largest consumer bank in the US. Then it started loaning money to corporations and blew off its consumer depositors. It canceled its program for allowing school children to start small accounts. Treated its consumers like pests. Now it has only its loan brokers and fund managers to rely on. Some loyal consumers are still there, but only a fragment of the original mass. Another good company wrecked. Of course all the “smart money boys” that set it on that road, like Clausen in the 80′s, are long gone, having pocketed their bonuses.

    JP it seems with rates at near zero and the economy stalled, there are 2 routes: inflate or let the roller coaster go backwards. What do you see as likely?

    Not a Lawyer, where r you?

  50. Not a Lawyer Says:

    I’m here! I’m getting my butt kicked keeping up with all of the work there is to do before my firm screws me out of my severence. (I hope I’m just kidding about that. We shall see.)

    There’s so much to say!

    Ellen darling, bless your heart, what the hell are you talking about?

    B of A – my oh my. What they NEED to do is spinoff that POS they bought in 2008, Countrywide, with it’s 1.4 TRILLION in loans. Yes, the massive mortgage defaults are still sucking the life out of companies. Why do you think Goldman sold Litton? Did you know that Countrywide offered a loan called the “NINA”, which stands for No Income/No Asset need to be stated. It translates to “Don’t tell me what you make because there’s no way in hell you’d qualify for this house if you did. BUT, your credit score is 640, so here’s $500k.” (Not that the lender is all to blame -everyone’s hands are dirty as far as I’m concerned.) AND did you know that these servicing companies, in most cases, still have to pay P&I to the actual owner of the asset whether the customer pays or not? (The GSE, the security or trust, what have you). Servicing companies are literally fronting hundreds of thousands and cannot collect until after the asset is liquidated, and even then, may not recoup it all. Cuts will probably be in the retail banking business across the country. They’ll keep the college kids and their $8 an hour and cut the 40 hour a week assistant managers and branch managers. Just a guess.

    I have lived in Texas for 28 of my 32 years. Ironically, I was born in Arizona and I did attend one of the satellite UT campuses for my MBA – good call. I spend a great deal of time “virtually” in NY with the rest of my collegues, so New England was close too. I do say ya’ll (not at work, I’d get skewered), but was corrected by my Pennsylvanian cousins that it sounds trashy…this from women who drop f-bombs like “ums”. We tease each other about it – it’s all in good fun.

    Rick Perry is as polarized in Texas as he is anywhere else. People either love him or hate him, and I’d say here it’s 50/50. My husband does the BEST impersonation of him getting pulled over by Texas State Troopers. He says, “Why don’t ya’ll just let me get on down the road?”

    Danielle, The Dallas metroplex has recently been blessed with some fancy, new-fangled eatin’ place called the In n’ Out Burger. People line up for hours to get a taste of this thing, and one woman was featured on the news CRYING happy tears over her burger. Crying! Please provide a review, wine pairings, and recommend a dress. And I’m sorry for jumping your ass. Please post – you’re way more interesting than that other dude, Ellen/Alma. If you use the words “vulva” or “fooey”, I take it all back.

    Okay – am I caught up now? :)

  51. Edwina Says:

    I am new to this web posting here in the states.

    Having come from the UK, are there many places like this for a young law graduate to see how the real law world works? I only have heard of Bitter Lawyer, but that does not put a positive spin on legal practise.

  52. Anonymous Says:

    You broads need a few funnies to crack a smile, at least on your face, if not below:

    Q. What do a Rubix cube and a penis have in common?
    A. The longer you play with them, the harder they get.

    Q. What does an old woman have between her breasts that a young woman doesn’t?
    A. A navel.

    Q. What is the difference between a woman and a washing machine?
    A. You can bung your load in a washing machine and it won’t call you a week later.

    Q. Why did god create Adam before he created eve?
    A. Because he didn’t want anyone telling him how to make Adam.

    Q. What is a lesbian’s favorite thing to eat?
    A. A Klondike Bar

    Q. What did the elephant say to the naked man?
    A. “How do you breath through something so small?”

    Q. Why don’t women wear watches?
    A. There’s a clock on the stove!

    Q. What doesn’t belong in this list : Meat, Eggs, Wife, Blowjob?
    A. Blowjob: You can beat your meat, eggs or wife, but you can’t beat a blowjob.

    Q. Have you heard about the new super-sensitive condoms?
    A. They hang around after the man leaves and talks to the woman.

    Q. What’s worse than getting raped by Jack the Ripper?
    A. Getting fingered by Captain Hook.

    Q. What do a walrus and Tupperware have in common?
    A. They both like a tight seal.

    Q. What’s the difference between a wife and a wheelie bin?
    A. You only have to take out a wheelie bin once a week.

    Q. What did the two lesbian frogs say to each other?

    Q. What did the banana say to the vibrator?
    A. Why are you shaking she’s going to eat me.

    Q. What would happen if the Pilgrims had killed cats instead of turkeys?
    A. We’d eat pussy every Thanksgiving.

  53. JP Says:

    Breaking News – TBTF Market Update.

    Bank of America is crashing again.

    It’s down 6% as of noon on Monday, August 22.

    Will it survive the week?

  54. El Jeffe Pig Says:

    August seems to be the month people just can’t take things anymore. WWI started; the A-bomb was dropped; The US went of gold and slapped on price controls…

    …and now Bank of America is tottering like some old fund that stayed up way past bedtime or worse, realized that Ellen somehow had been admitted to his private club.

    It looks like the AIG lawsuit is one primse reason and maybe the bank is more expsoed to foreign banks than I thought.

    JP, who would buy B of A stock or lend it money? Its a black hole. God knows whats on its books. Probably 30% more needs to be scheduled. The chance for a government bailout now looks not so good. Bet they wish they’d stayed with stodgy consumer accounts now.

    JP you tell us: will they make it?

  55. Danielle Says:

    Not a lawyer:

    I won’t be using either of those words, because if I did “Hank” would be be calling me a “broad” within minutes.

    I’ve been to In’N Out near UCLA, sans bun though. I usually get an extra burger at in n out and give to to one of the non-threatening homeless people. I don’t know anyone who confesses to not liking in n out.

    They are good, and I love food, but won’t shed tears over a hamburger, or line up for Sprinkles cupcakes in Beverly Hills as people do (its enterprising owner delivered a box to Paris Hilton when she was discharged from jail over a DUI and suspended license. The delivery, ingeniously effected while bored tv cameramen looked for something to report, must have doubled its sales in 24 hours).

    But I confess to being a hypocrite: when my neice came to town I stood in line like an idiot so she could get one. They have great icing I am told.

    I do not graviate to Vuitton and think its urban satchel bag is a way to identify people that should not be stripped of their voting franchise. remember the (hopefully imaginary) and clueless Beverly Hills woman accosted by a hungry homeless man who said he hadn’t eaten for three days? She replied “I wish I had your willpower.” She doubtlessly carried such a bag. Balenciaga is still my preference. Dresses? Giambattista valli are nice; Herve leger too.

    I know no more about wine that I can tell when I taste it. It bothers people who go to the trouble of finding good ones but I would rather be with people than a great collection of grapes. I listen to the details but they do not remember them. I am perfectly content with whatever I buy in the between 50 and 80 range. I don’t buy it to store either. Sipping wine at home is marvelous but not by yourself.

    I hope I didn’t say anything to offend you. Its just me.

    How did you get stuck on this site? It seems to be the province of a few, and the women feel like they entered a club with buffalo heads on the walls.

  56. Hank Says:

    Danielle, you seem like pretty high maintenance to me. I prefer a chick that knows to be reserved and feminine, and to be seen rather than be heard.

    I’ve got no problem with a chick being smart and bringing home the mustard, but the smartest dames I know are those who do not challenge their husbands publicly. That is the worst thing you can do. If you do, don’t be puzzled why it is that when you hit 45 you will be served with divorce papers.

    Enjoy your youth while you can. But remember that there are a lot of fellas that think just like me.

  57. Danielle Says:

    Hank sweetie, you didn’t call me a “broad.” How thoughtful!

    You can’t be that obtuse: you use and correctly spell real words and even know how to use a contraction.

    Just in case you are late for the tractor pull or chewing tobabaco spitoon contest though, you go ahead. Comfort yourself with visions of me sitting home alone, now or at age 45. Just conjure up that idea if it helps you pass the time. If so, it’ll be because I need the rest. I’ll be dating with you’re too weak to type the word ‘dame.” I’m sure you’re a great guy, and would get along well in Riyad, or in that little town in the begining of “Deliverance,” but I won’t be dating fellas like you, no matter how many there are.

    If you’re a guy with a decent income that mysteriously wants women to be seen and not heard, you’re in the wrong country. I’m sure some more compliant women might be found if you’re willing to convert, grow a beard, watch al jazzeria and look at her through a peephole.

    Since I am not married I have no husband to “challenge,” but you know what? I agree with you wives should refrain from challenging ther husbands in public. Its terrible! No member of a couple should do so. Its disrespectful. I don’t do it with dates. I’d never do it with a husband. I see that happen often enough. A wife says “oh not that joke again” or makes some undercutting remark like her husband is a captive, there to be verbally abused. Its as if spouses had a death wish. I bet Not A Lawyer doesn’t do it either, although I wouldn’t want to cross her and pay for it later in private.

    I can’t believe I posted again. I’m off for a long time.

  58. JP Says:

    I think Hank’s just embracing the age old doctrine of pater familias:

    “The pater familias, also written as paterfamilias (plural patres familias) was the head of a Roman family. The term is Latin for “father of the family” or the “owner of the family estate”. The form is irregular and archaic in Latin, preserving the old genitive ending in -as (see Latin declension). The pater familias was always a Roman citizen.

    Roman law and tradition (mos maiorum) established the power of the pater familias within the community of his own extended familia. He held legal privilege over the property of the familia, and varying levels of authority over his dependents: these included his wife and children, certain other relatives through blood or adoption, clients, freedmen and slaves. The same mos maiorum moderated his authority and determined his responsibilities to his own familia and to the broader community. He had a duty to father and raise healthy children as future citizens of Rome, to maintain the moral propriety and well-being of his household, to honour his clan and ancestral gods and to dutifully participate—and if possible, serve—in Rome’s political, religious and social life. In effect, the pater familias was expected to be a good citizen. In theory at least, he held powers of life and death over every member of his extended familia through ancient right but in practice, the extreme form of this right was seldom exercised”

  59. Not a Lawyer Says:

    Hank – Danielle makes a good point; your standards do seem pretty archaic. How’s that going for you? Have you found the elusive, quiet yet business savvy woman to support you? No? Well, just in case, my chauvinist step-uncle met his subservient 18 year old wife in the Philippines. Maybe that’ll work out for you. Just don’t bring her around any educated women that might ruin her with their “feminist principles.” Then she’ll go gettin’ all smart on you, maybe even go to college, realize that she married an asshat and can do much better, and you’ll have to schlep back to the Philippines to find another one with my old uncle Bob.

    JP – I missed the part in the pater familias where the women are expected to be quiet? One might assume that to dutifully participate in Rome’s social life, a smart, charming wife would help his cause.

    Danielle – you’re right, I don’t pick on my husband. It’s just tacky and makes people uncomfortable. But, I am by no means quiet.
    I’m no bag snob – I like them big so that they can look stylish and hold my laptop, bottle of water, makeup, toys, coloring book, crayons, and whatever little toys my kids decide need toting (just yesterday I discovered an ice scraper in my purse. Nevermind that it’s 104 out…). No balenciaga for me – I got my last new dress on sale at macy’s for $89 and can’t even tell you the label. I can tell you that I rock it though. I wore it to the office with 4 inch heels and a black blazer. Nobody looks hotter in pair of Kohl’s heels. Sad but true!

    It’s so funny that the coversation has turned this was because just this morning, my ignorant, lazy, and persistently tardy colleague and I had a coversation that went something like this:

    Me: “Good Morning.”
    Him: “Good Morning! How was your drive?” (he has a 2 mile commute, where mine is 30).
    Me: “Better -we’re getting back into the school drop-off routine.”
    Him: “You know what I think? I believe that society, in general, is better served when women do not work. Don’t you agree?”

    To be continued after he removes my 4 inch heel from his backside…..

  60. JP Says:

    So, Not A Lawyer, is JPM going to buy Bank of America?

    Is everyone in Bankland excited about this possibility? Is the champagne coming out?

  61. JP Says:

    Now that school is starting, I will get to work earlier since I will be dropping off my kids.

    Either that or my wife will ride their bikes to the school. The school is about 0.5 miles away from my house.

  62. Not a Lawyer Says:

    Is that the latest rumor? I skipped my interview with BofA this week. Figured they had bigger fish to fry.

  63. El Jeffe Pig Says:

    The man removing the 4″ heel is something else. I assume he has no daughters (I have 2).

    Me: So, fat boy [i assume he is pudgy], you think its better for “society if my daughters stay home and sacrifice their career, private schools for their children, and the beach house they promised to buy me?”

    FatPompousBankerWith protruding 4″ Heel: “Why yes I do. You see, I have no daughters, so I will talk of things I know nothing about.

    I will complain of high spousal support payments when I make them to my stay at home wife. I will bitch about “housewives” on juries and their feckless awards, since they have no conception of money. I don’t distinguish between mothers at home watching junk tv and eating pork rinds from mothers that work and have somehting more to contribute to their kids. That’s why I make stupid comments and have a heel up my as_”

    JP: I am told that one of the most odd moments in life is when you don’t “have to” drive your kids to school anymore because they have a car, and you “can’t” for the same reason. You pick up 45 min in the morning but lose the drop off forever.

    Did anyone get a fix on danilele’s age?

    Has Ellen finally gotten a date?

    Gold is heading up and one guy today believes its good to 3000oz till we have a bubble worry.

    One analyst thinks B of A needs 40b new capital….and even then no one knows where the “bottom” is.

  64. Ellen Says:

    How smart everybody is. I do NOT know all of these things.

    I think that all women should be RESPECTED by men. I will not date any man that just wants my BODY.

    Also, I do NOT know about the Roman history. I remember my friends’ father was like this. He came from OVER SEAS, so it is TRUE.

    If I have opinion’s, my father tells me ALWAYS to tell them, b/c I am a LAWYER and am smart.

    I hope that works when I ask for a rase from the manageing partner next MONTH.

  65. Hank Says:

    Here’s a question for Danielle’s next boyfriend and Not a Lawyer’s hubby:

    Q: How do you turn a fox into an elephant?
    A: Marry it.

    I am sure that these fellas will be able to substantiate this for us.

  66. Not a Lawyer Says:

    Ellen, good luck with your raise. Whatever you do, don’t make this request in writing. Just a ittle advice there….And that RESPECT thing – it should go both ways.

    Pig – I am BEGGING my husband to sell some his Gold and Silver EFTs, but he just keeps it riding…I am definitely more risk averse, but maybe that’s why I got my ass handed to me on my portfolio and my husband’s has practically doubled.

    Annoying co-worker is in IT and knows nothing of banking or common sense for that matter. He has a stay-at-home wife who constantly complains to him that he needs to make more money. I don’t even have the heart to beat him down verbally like his wife does, so I’ll have to settle for just stapling his lips shut and kicking my stilletto up his backside (or at least imagining it).

  67. Not a Lawyer' Husband Says:

    My wife is HOT.

    (Okay this is NAL speaking for him. But that’s what he’d say.)

  68. Pig Says:

    NAL: I am on the fence too as to AU and silver: is price is based on late buyers bidding it up, central bank purchases that keep the supply short (china has been buying)? …or.. if 1800 is way short of the top since inflation has not really kicked in yet. The Gloom/Doom types admit they’ll be a price crash if the US allows even moderate deflation. But more easing could send it higher still. But they worry about restrictions if inflation gets really bad. He ought to take some profits now though, don’t you think? Just to be careful? Its a hedge after all, not a house. What does JP think? Or is he still charting Bank of America?

  69. WifeHotnessEvaluator Says:

    Uh, this is NOT Pig. But Wife Hotness Evaluator belives Not A Lawyer is Hot. The manner of speech, married status, and that she punched out 2 kids, still works and is 32 are defnite hotness indicators. You, Ellen, seem like the person in a Starbucks or Coffee Bean I would swerve to avoid.

  70. Ellen Says:

    I am VERY pretty. Fooey on you.

    I do NOT have a child, but Men all crowd in CLOSE to me whenever I am in a bar or a diner, so that says something. Men always tell me I could be their wife if I want to. I am therfore also HOT.

  71. JP Says:

    Can we move this to the next thread?

    BL1Y is still ignoring everybody here.

    Breaking Bank of America News:

    “Warren Buffett saves Bank of America!”

    I don’t trade Bank of America. I just watch it. It’s like a Reality TV Show.

  72. Not a Lawyer' Husband Says:

    A $5B infususion courtesy of Bershire-Hathaway. Interesting. Thanks, Uncle Warren! What I find strange, is that BofA is fairly solvent. It’s reserved out the wazoo, but that stock just cannot take the volatility, the news, the lawsuits, etc.

    Gold! I KNEW he should have sold at least some of it! The market will correct itself eventually.

    BTW – I can’t post to the new thread. Not sure why.

  73. Pig Says:

    I can’t post in the new one either. But I am more facinated by our governor who wants to improve employment in California. Here are his options:

    (a) eliminate the ability of workers to sue employers for 3 years back “rest” breaks and “lunch” breaks; (some people think there must be workers that aren’t allowed to eat);(some people also think keeping those records is a good way to help business);

    (b) reducing the deficit, the 8.7% sales tax, 9% income tax, taxes on cell phone, taxes on home phones, employment taxes, etc;

    (c) breaking union control of our schools whihc have elevated protection of incompetent teachers the primary goal of all schools;

    (d) suspending “green” power nonsense that will have rolling blackouts in California, along with skyrocketing electricty rates; or

    (e) ignoring all the above, impsoing a continued electricty use tax, and and offering a 4,000 tax credit to employers of 50 people or less to hire someone for 35,000, who will sue them later for somehting.

    Hmmmm. OK, its (e).

    Gold: was it profit taking or precautionary selling because we know Bernake will now reverse course and let the economy do its needed hangover thing? I think profit taking for now.

  74. Not a Lawyer Says:

    Pig, I like option B…..or you can just send more businesses and employment to Texas.

  75. Pig Says:

    We’re still laughing at the east coast’s hysteria over their small earthquake. But as to Texas….seems like everyone is going there, since our state is almost totally controlled by unions.

    When we were replacing Schwarzzeneger, we could choose between a bilionaire businesswoman versus an old political hack. There was a large kiosk with SIEU literature in the court of appeal building urging votes for Jerry Brown. The local apper spent 2/3 of its coverage ona maid who claims she was treated unfairly by the billionaire who paid her 23/hr/ Of course voters rejected the billionaire and got the hack.

    We don’t have traffic sigmnals that auto reset after a power outage in LA –it would eliminate union jobs. The “green” energy schemes are going to hike electricity rates and drive more business away-but provide union jobs subsidized by taxes. It just goes on and on.

    Thank goodness enough businesses will be here for me to defend. “No case is too big, no fee is too big.”

    My great exit strategies: I am hoping Ellen will be sued here over a typo, turn out to be a rich heiress or owner of millions in Exxon common, and insist I spend “not MORE than a millyun” a year to defend.

    Or “Hank” will call Daniele a “broad” and she’ll give me her clothing and eating out allowance for fees to hound him for years.

  76. JP Says:
  77. JP Says:

    —crickets chirping—

  78. ElSupremo Pig Says:

    chrrrp. chirrrp.

    Everyone must be on the LAST vacation: You and NAL are absorbed in “back to school” lunches, pickups, dropoffs, playdates, parent nights; but you said you were getting in earlier, so post you guys!

    NAL: any cute single moms there (for me not for you)

    JP: are you going to succumb to the eco freaks and avoid using ziploc plastic sandwhich bags?

    “Hank” seems lost w/o anyone to call a “Broad.”

    Danilele is probably eating lobster dripping with melted butter while ignoring the somilier’s comments on the wine;

    She’ll be a perfect additon to the Sumptuous Dinner I was planning but forgot about for a while. As long as she and NAL avoid a fight over a dress.

    That new post-no one can leave a comment.

    Articles about banks cutting more people. BIG MISTAKE GUYS: rent smaller lobbies, run fewer stupid ads and keep the people!

    August is a problem month: everyone is bored but tense in having to go back to work. So its is always a month of blunders and disasters. World War I started in August when that boob of a chauffer got lost and caused franz Ferdinand to be assassinated. The Bomb was dropped in August. etc, etc.

    So anyone want to confess to an August blunder? A pass made that should not have been made? A teacher assigned to your kid that makes you groan inwardly–”I can’t believe we’ve got her for a full year!”


  79. JP Says:

    I wonder how soon Bank of America is going to declare bankruptcy.

  80. Not a Lawyer Says:

    I just interviewed with BofA. Wow. Maybe it’s time to change industries. Should I go to law school? (kidding).

    Pig – not many single moms in my area. Not many working ones either. My suburb is known for moms that spend their days at the gym.

  81. Pig Says:

    How can Bank of America go under ? Who will pay off the depositors? The FDIC isn’t exactly flush. Who can absorb it? Its like Greece: people keep pouring hard-earned money into it and pretending its alive.

    NAL: Ah. The yoga moms that don’t have to leave a school function to run to work. I thought their spare time gave them lots of time with their kids, but over time saw they didn’t spend that spare time with their kids at all. But if I ever move to Tx I will immediately join a suburban gym.

  82. Not a Lawyer Says:

    B of A is reserved out the a**hole. Pardon my language. It’ll be fine. As a matter of fact, I’d buy stock if I were allowed.

  83. JP Says:

    Now with both kids in school, my wife is vaguely considering getting a real job.

    She has a play job right now as a very part time restaurant hostess.

    At this point, I wish I had gone into finance rather than law.

    I think the problem with BOA is Countrywide.

    And I think bondholders take a hit before depositors.

  84. JP Says:

    Everyone’s shorting BAC, but I don’t know if they actually think it’s going bankrupt.

    I’ll ask them and see what they think.

  85. JP Says:

    Greek bonds are apparently yielding about 100%. That’s pretty funny.

    I wonder when thy will finally go bust.

  86. JP Says:

    More on Bank of America:

    “BANK OF AMERICA IS DOOMED, Says Chris Whalen—Stop Firing People And Just Declare Bankruptcy Now”

    The bear board thinks that Bank of America will be carved up and recapitalized. No formal bankruptcy needed.

  87. JP Says:

    Just so everyone understands, I have no financial interest in Bank of America whatsoever. I don’t buy or sell banking stocks.

    I do, however, live in North Carolina.

  88. Pig Says:

    This focus on Bank of America is facinating. It used to be such a good, consumer friendly bank before it sold its soul (according to a book detailing its drift away from small, boring, unglamours depositors to third world countries and countrywide).

    We here in California are going to be hard hit by the layoffs. A lot of B of A employees are here.

    But NAL makes it sounds as if they have money to burn:

    Why not take coutnrywide, spin it off, lease out the hosues with 20 year leases with an option to buy?

    The Greeks seem like a bullet ridden corpse using up the entire blood supply-how long are the germans going to assume that burden? Esp when greeks are rioting over “only” getting 12 months pay for 12 months work instead of 14?

    Bad graph from the st Louis Fed data: this downturn is still going down. I am sincerely glad i am not 24 and looking for a job.

  89. Not a Lawyer Says:

    No they don’t have money to burn, but all of these big banks have to to reserve against the losses to be incurred from risky portfolios, like mortage-backed-securities. Since they bought that Countrywide piece of crap, they have to have reserves…..that’s what should keep it from going under. I’m not saying it’s a money tree, but I don’t think it’s in BK trouble. They do need to make cuts and possibly redesign their business model, but I think it’ll survive. I could be wrong though!

    Good call on the Countrywide spinoff. It seems they are headed in this direction by splitting out the CHL portfolio and running it as it’s own division, but that should only separate the major risk into another set of books, really.

    On the 20 year lease, unfortunately, the investor or the owner of the security makes that call, and none of them seem to want to take the risk. They’d rather take their hit, write it off, and move on.

  90. pig Says:

    Since no one else is here, I am claiming this site as my own.

    To DO Thursday:
    -replace tires;
    -get exhibits for C/Z case depo;
    –box PTR docs in AA case;
    -MotToCo-LFA case

    -scout Bank Of America branches for good looking tellers or “Vice Presidents” to hit on; suggest opening large acount and maybe need for “yacht” loan; then feign surprise at its current state as seen in newspaper I carry and conveniently glance at before opening account; back off but get number;

    -get out cold weather clothes, as its getting down to 64 here at night. Pull out a blanket too-sheets alone not enough now.

    -go to White Castle in NY on next trip to film fat people trying to sit in the booths: contact reality show and offer TV show: hidden camera films fat people trying to get into booths narrowed a few inches; fake customers will come by and offer rude suggestions;

    -another “Fat Men At Venice Beach” fat guy makes passes at women so far out of his league its painful: film the rebukes;

    -do not eat another BLT

    -up vitamin D to 2500IU from 1000.

    -enter office pool on Obama’s chances for 2012.

    -If I buy Countrywide in an LLC and “own it” even for a while, can i get a golden parachute secured with blocked funds? Can I hire great looking secretary and go to lunch at The Ivy? Hmmmmm.

  91. Hank Says:

    Let’s get some new material up here, OK?

  92. Not a Lawyer Says:

    Sure can, Pig. Under the tuteledge of another responsible entrepreneur, Angelo Mozillo. You may go to jail, but it’s worth a shot, right?

  93. Pig Says:

    Mozillo settled with whoever sued him for a boatload, but all paid by WashMu under indemnity agreements. He escaped prosecution did he not? So I’ll own it via an LLC and donate lots of money to homeless whales and GLT causes for cover.

  94. Not a Lawyer Says:

    I think I got $35 out of that settlement……

  95. JP Says:

    So, if I went out and got a Harvard or Wharton MBA, would that give me any benefit whatsoever in the world of banking? Would I be able to get a high income bank/finance job? Or would they laugh at me because I’m a TV-type lawyer?

    I’m 37.

  96. JP Says:

    Should I buy a bunch of NLY and write covered calls?

    What strike price should I use?

  97. Not a Lawyer Says:

    Sure JP – just like any industry, banking is full of idiots who have absolutely NO business doing what they do. I’d think an MBA, assuming you learned something in business school, would make you a superior candidate to the current pool. 37 year-old bankers look about 57, so I’d say you have an edge.

    I don’t know about NLY – besides that my husband holds it, but I have a guess. That secondary servicing industry HAS to grow as banks and securities holders are forced to devise more debtor-friendly solutions. The big banks that used to crank out standard servicing operations on their trillion dollar mortgage portfolios don’t have the capacity to build processes that will comply with the current demands of new regs. A specialty servicer like Annaly is in a good spot IF Mr TBTF Bank pulls his head out of his ass and realizes it.

    Call option? It’s a good thing I don’t make those decisions for a living. It’s my job to slap you on the hand when you make bad decisions, because the “model said so.” I don’t engage in risk so I can’t help you.

    I think compliance is going to be huge in the next 5 years. Compliance and legal departments will need to be redesigned and built from the ground up at every major mortgage servicer. And you know where they should start? Attorneys. That’s what I think.

    BUT then what happens to NLY when the TBTF banks have “caught up” in terms of servicing distressed assets?

  98. JP Says:

    Oh, I think NLY’s eventually headed into the abyss. I was holding long during the recent mREIT flash-crash. I dumped it after that to focus on the current bear market.

    I suppose, for now, I just have to wait for Greece to implode and then the market to settle again.

    I just get annoyed when I get 0% returns, which is where I am right now.

  99. JP Says:

    I’m actually glad that I wasn’t anywhere near finance from 2003-present.

    I was just kind of watching the thing in horror as I realized that it was an absolute mess.

    Sadly, the best days of finance are over. Mostly because the massive fraud is catching up with everybody. The models don’t work that well when they are based on assets that don’t quite exist. Wall Street and the banks just won’t be producing Masters of the Universe for some time.

  100. Pig Says:

    Good. I am perhaps naive, but maybe we can dump the idea that financiers are the model for American business and go back to actually making things we can sell abroad.

  101. Not a Lawyer Says:

    NLY into the abyss? I don’t know – if they position themselves to handle the assets of these big banks, that don’t even know ehere to begin in order to comply with changing regs, they can make some profitable deals. If not, then they’re stupid, and maybe the abyss is where they belong. I’m a “glass is half full” kind of girl, so it’s a good thing I don’t trade.

  102. JP Says:

    Well, looks like there was a major TBTF downgrade. I’m not sure that anyone cares anymore. Didn’t all of them issue a massive amount of new equity after 2008?

    At least the Fed has initiated Operation Twist to solve a problem the economy doesn’t actually have.

    The market’s been an a “glass is half empty” mood since 2000, with periodic episodes of “glass is half full”.

    Hey, Pig, when you’re not running BL1Y’s comments, what do you do? Just aggressively sue people?

    Have a new TBTF job yet, NAL?

  103. Not a Lawyer Says:

    Got an offer yesterday! I’m tempted but I have al ot of things to sort through, including the fact that if I accept I may be laid off agin in a few months. I can stay my current firm and relocate or I can just change industries all together and go back to bartending.

    What do you guys think?

  104. JP Says:

    In terms of employment, which choice offers you the best chance at becoming CEO of a major multinational financial behemoth?

    Have you gamed the career moves you need to make in order to penetrate the C-suite? That might be the relocation if they are willing to relocate you to NYC where you can hobnob with the corporate elite.

    Which particular firm do you most want to run? I think that’s the question you should be asking yourself.

  105. Not a Lawyer Says:

    I spent the last 5 years in “governance” functions overseeing the business processes. I think it’s a good time for me to jump back on the business side, clean up some of the process nightmare new banking regs have created. To be effective in a C-level role, one can’t be to entrenched nor too far removed from the business. I’m going to bounce back and forth.

    The opportunity is in NYC, but I’m a texas girl. I’ve spent enough time there working to know that I do not want to live there, pay state income tax, commute from New Jersey, etc. I fancy myself kinda sorta smart, but I won’t be running any Wall St firms. I’m a mom first. i’ll just have to find a way to kick ass here in Dallas.

  106. PIG Says:

    The Pig is being overworked, and its school time again, so you both know what that brings.

    Parent meetings, homework, advice (“are you ever giing to get up?”; “you can’t wear your bookbag like that or you’ll alter your spine”; “eat something,” “No you can’t wear THAT to school,” “I don’t care if “everyone” else does it,”). I miss summer when they sleep late and veg out. School is so bloody hectic.

    I usually defend persecuted corporations that are unfairly set upon by lucre-mad Plaintiff’s lawyers and their greedy clients. My family had no trust funds paying for my house downpayment, kids educations etc. No wills waiting to “mature.” So unable to work for a leisurely non-profit. Occassionally do some pro bono litigation which is not really pro bono, because its too much fun. Slapping sleazy lawyers around when they are trying to victimize someone never gets old.

    NAL’s assessment of working in NY seems right on the money. A great place if you live in the Trump Tower, the Plaza or the Dakota, or your family owned a brownstone you can inherit: not so great for everyone else.

    I hope I can stay in California: the state just has an insatiable hunger for money that it pours into pensions and benefits for state employees.

  107. JP Says:

    I avoided both NYC and DC when I was looking for work as an attorney.

    Too expensive and too stressful.

  108. Not a Lawyer Says:

    Pig, you may change your mind when you see the big ‘ol house that $500k can buy you in a Dallas suburb. My boss is from CA and tells me he can’t go back now because he’s been spoiled the standard of living that he can afford in Texas, but not in San Diego. Just putting it out there!

  109. JP Says:

    Sadly, I don’t have $500,000 to shell out on a house.

    I doubt I will ever buy one that large, even when I do hit the $500,000 mark.

  110. Pig Says:

    I almost moved to Houston and have been to Dallas enough on business to appreciate them both. I feel I’ve been cheated by living here in a way: 9% of your income is a lot to leave on the table year after year. So prison guards can be paid to walk from their cars to their post…professors can retire with penisons at age 50…gnash, gnash…

    JP: if you don’t have wealthy parents, I agree: the gardners, pipes, drainage, dust, security systems, property taxes…houses can be real pain….they eat up a lot of cash….they are so great for kids….but i know so many people dying for cash flow and it all goes to their mortgage….remember those ads in 2005 just before the 2007 housing crash? Brokers telling everyone to stretch to buy?

  111. JP Says:

    I own a house, it’s just a ranch. And I don’t have a mortgage. I actually downsized the last time I moved. I really don’t like the house maintenance aspects.

    I tried to get a summer associate job in Houston at Fulbright and Jawrorski back in 1999. The interviewer at the Houston office didn’t like me because I wasn’t a Texan. I didn’t like that part about Texas.

  112. Not a Lawyer Says:

    There’s a bit of a rivalry between Dallas and Houston over which city is better, more sophisticated and metropolitain. We all know the answer to this debate though…..

  113. JP Says:

    Isn’t Houston basically a humid swamp?

    I stayed near Houston for a week once. That was my impression.

    My roomate from law school moved to Austin. He has since realized that he has no interest in being a lawyer. He tried to be a trader or money manager or something for a few months. That didn’t go well.

    Have the Morgan Stanley bankruptcy rumors started yet?

  114. Not a Lawyer Says:

    Now Now – Morgan is more solvent than it was 3 years ago. Don’t go starting rumors….. I read a great analyst’s writeup on MS today. Let me see if I can find it.

  115. JP Says:

    I’m actually not paying any attention to Morgan Stanley, I’m just buying and holding a short fund (GRZZX). I’m very happy I didn’t rebuy NLY.

    Karl Denninger was the one hyperventallating about Morgan Stanley. He’s always hyperventallaing.

    I’m still thinking we will end this bear market sometime next year between 850 and 1100. I’m still angry that I got sliced during QEII. I lost all my gains from 2008!

  116. JP Says:

    Pig, I’m bored.

    Do something.

  117. Not a Lawyer Says:

    We could go occupy Wall street……

  118. JP Says:

    I don’t want to occupy Wall Street.

    It’s cold in NYC and it’s relatively warm here.

  119. Pig Says:

    I’ve been swamped.

    Bored? You’re supposed to collect old Snapple caps for moments like that. (Don’t get too bored and have an affair! Divorce are financial disasters!)

    Want to go trick or treating in Seattle as Italian judges?

    Or hop a flight to italy to trick or treat with Amanda Knox masks?

    NAL, do you think she’s attractive? Guilty?

    Both of you since you’re financial gurus and I only read “the sky is falling” books about the economy, what happens if the Euro goes down? I mean down hard not this slow flattening we’ve seen as germany bails everyone out. What if hey stop and spain and Italy have ahrd landings?

    Oh, its Friday. Time to go out. Have a good weekend!

  120. Not a Lawyer Says:

    Amanda Know is a natural beauty – yes, I think she’s pretty, like in a “I wake up this beautiful” kind of way. I envy that kind of beauty as I don’t look attractive without highlights and a lot of makeup.

    Oh Europe! (And I’m definitely no guru – I sit on the sidelines) What’s this I hear about a European TARP? Will it work better for them than it did for us? And I wonder what the makeup of types of greek debt held all over Eurpoe? Securitized? No?

    I could be sitting here fretting over my own firm’s exposure, but I’m not. This is my last week with the firm I love. But c’est la vie. Time to bust balls at another bank.

  121. JP Says:

    NOL, did you give everyone in the firm a great big hug before you left?

    Did you let them know that they meant the world to you?

    That if they had only doubled your salary and promoted you, you would have stayed?

    I’m tired today. Maybe I’ll take a nap at work.

  122. Not a Lawyer Says:

    They seem pretty determined to piss me off as much as possible so that I huff outta here without a single look back. It’s working.

  123. JP Says:

    You should go around and tell them that you will miss each and every one of them. Spend a couple of minutes in each cubicle talking about the good old days.

  124. JP Says:

    Looking for a nice false breakout above the 200-day MA to go short again.

    NLY is not looking healthy.

  125. JP Says:

    Nothing exciting is happening in Europe.

    Nothing exciting will happen until Greek debt finally defaults.

  126. JP Says:

    I’m still bored.

    Not A Lawyer, can you do periodic real-time updates on how you feel as your old firm gives you the cold shoulder?

  127. Not a Lawyer Says:

    Here’s a Doozy:

    I came in the office on wednesday to a dead laptop. Fried. Done. Without a computer, there’s really nothing to do. Boss, who’s not really speaking to me, SENDS ME AN EMAIL to tell me to find something productive to do. Mind you – I had no computer, and did not see his email until much later. I had inadvertantly been loudly openly unproductive for the last 5 hours. Woops. Good thing it’s my last day.

    Now I’m gathering up my (brand new) laptop, blackberry, RSA tokens (why do I have 3???), and corporate credit card (goodbye, lover) to be surrendered and never seen again. It feels a little weird.

    I’m actually sad saying goodbye. I like working with smart people, and I have no idea what awaits. I guess I can tell you since I don’t work here anymore that I am no longer employed with Morgan Stanley and am headed to the Bank of the Northern Hemisphere.

  128. Pig Says:

    Good luck NAL: let us know when you land. The MS place does not deserve you. Since no one knows we’re here, we’ll probably still be here.

  129. the god of hamburgers Says:

    anyone left? not a lawyer? jp? Pig?

  130. JP Says:

    I have a lot of hearings this week. And I’m still here.

    I think that Bernake just spent an extended amount of time saying “we are watching the economy and believe we have the power to do something about it. Oh, and we were wrong about how fast the economy would grow.”

  131. Pig Says:

    And who believes him? He’s been jolting the economy with trillions and its still on the table in a near coma. How much more of this jolting can we take?

    How much more debt to the chinese do we want so the US can lend to students who go to the University of connecticut for advanced degrees in …puppetry? (no kidding: NATION Magazine).

    Same question as to the wide spread practice of paying unionized state employees to retire with pensions at age 50 or 55? Why is the US borrowing to lend to sattes so they can do that? And states to cities?

    We are spendnig like we’re rich and we’re not. We’re borrowing for silly things like our credit card has no limits. We have to either pay it back or default one day like Greece. Not pretty.

    I am at the point where I think Bernake is just trying to avoid a panic.

    Is NAL going to return?

  132. JP Says:

    I don’t think you have to default if you print your debt in your own currency.

    That’s Italy’s problem.

    It’s not a problem in the US or Japan at the moment.

  133. JP Says:

    And Italy just imploded.

    Go, Italy!

  134. Pig Says:

    Italy and Spain, as adults, used the family credit card and Dad has to decide to cut e’em loose (common sense) or suck it up himself to save the family image. But Germany does not have that amount of credit: and Germans won’t allow Merkel to give away anymore. No one has confidence in the ECB Notes, because only Germany can pay them.

    So JP, isn’t all this shilly shallying around merely the screaming that happens when someone falls off a building-before they hit?

    If this debt is uscecssfully spread out over the Eu and the US, it’ll be a drag on the productive people for a generation.

    I say let the people that fecklessly loaned money to Spain and Italy take it in the shorts. If its a bunch of french banks, so much the better.

    And WHERE is Not a Lawyer? Did she run off with Hank or Jed or those other improbably named posters?

  135. JP Says:

    And Penn State just imploded, too. Nice.

  136. Pig Says:

    God that is so sick!

    Is there anyone here that wants to defend “JoePa?”

    What kind of college is Penn State anyway? I see statues of this …coach and paintings of him..I thought it was a college not a sports camp.

    The insurers for PS must be dusting off their exit. Seems rather clear that administartion did have a reason to suspect a claim–several of them!

    Here is my dilema: I get that McQueary did reportedly did not break up the assault on the 10 year old boy in the shower–the one that looked at him and mistakenly thought deliverance–er, rescue was at hand. McQueary did the minimum to avoid prosecution. But is he morally bad?

    I think he is but I can see why lower downs don’t report when they feel its dangeroous.

    Another reason to hang JoePa out to dry.

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