Time once again for my signature break down of Cosmo’s ridiculous sex lists:
The August issue of Cosmo asked just over 2,600 guys to rate 50 different sex moves. Cosmo has a pretty solid record of giving women advice so bad it would fix Tiger Woods’s golf game, so you’d think going to actual guys for answers would produce extremely good responses. But, Cosmo didn’t ask just any guys: “we went straight to the source, 2,603 horny guys.”
Bad choice. Horny guys are morons and are inclined to say that they’re turned on by just about anything.
A study at Berkeley found that when not aroused, 13% of men think it could be fun to have sex with someone who is extremely fat. When aroused, the number jumped to 24%, an 85% increase. There was a 55% increase in men who found shoes erotic when aroused; a 75% increase in men who could see themselves having sex with another man; a 229% increase in men who could find a 60 year old attractive; a 100% increase in men who could find a 12 year old girl attractive; and, a 167% increase in the number of men who would be down for bestiality.
In order to understand what will actually work on your guy, not just what weird shit he’ll say he’s in to while in heat, we have to dig just a little deeper than Cosmo’s analytical model of (no lie) Smiley Face/Sad Face, represented after each move.
The moves are broken down into six categories: Seduction, Kissing, Foreplay, Oral, Sex, and Naughty Bonus Moves. (Cosmo does not specify how to unlock the bonus moves.)
1. Calling him while you’re masturbating, giving him a preview of the moans you’re going to make later that night. :-D
It’ll be a turn on at the time. But potentially a huge disappointment when he comes over later and you’ve already worn yourself out. You get mad when he finishes early, so think how pissed he’ll be when you’re done before he even shows up.
2. Asking him to give you a lap dance. :-(
Giving you a lap dance isn’t really a turn on for us, but if we’re indifferent and you think you’ll like it, we’ll go for it. The problem is about a minute into the routine, it’ll be pretty clear it doesn’t do anything for you either, and now it’s just a game of awkward chicken, seeing who caves in first.
3. Putting on a playlist of slow love songs to set the mood. :-/
The music won’t really be a turn for men in and of itself. But the subtext of “hey handsome, you’re totally getting laid tonight,” that’s something we really like to hear, even if it’s Enya saying it.
4. Putting on a playlist of rap and hip-hop songs to set the mood. :-(
“Damn homey, in high school you was the man homey. The f*ck happened to you?” The horny Cosmo men get this one right. Pretty much the last thing we want to hear during sex is 50 Cent talking about how he sodomizes other men. It gets us jealous.
5. Drawing a bubble bath and offering to wash his body before you have sex. :-D
A bubble bath sounds sexy, but the cramped space makes shower sex look easy. This is just going to result in a lot of sloshing and a wet bathroom floor that you’ll expect us to clean up because you “went to the trouble of drawing the bath.”
6. Taking his hand and pressing it against your underwear so he can feel how horny you are. :-D
Nothing wrong here. …Except that it’s mislabeled. If this is seduction, what the hell is foreplay?
7. Decorating the bed with rose petals and lighting a bunch of candles. :-/
Men don’t really care about stock romantic props like this. But, candle light is extremely flattering. When you look good, we’re happy. Even better, when you look good, you’re happy, and that makes you more confident, which leads you to do more things that make us happy. Everybody wins, especially us.
Read the rest on College Humor.
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