Vote, You Bastards

Here’s what you do, you go over to the ABA Blawg 100, and then you register to vote. It just requires entering a name, e-mail, and a password. There isn’t the annoying step of waiting for a confirmation e-mail and all that (which also means you don’t have to give them your real e-mail, if you’re worried about getting spammed).

Then, go to the For Fun category, and vote for Constitutional Daily.

That’s all.

Now go do it, you bastards, before I kill myself out of lack of love.

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2,064 Responses to “Vote, You Bastards”

  1. thenambypamby Says:

    DONE. And vote for me too.

  2. bl1y Says:

    Yes, folks, you can vote for more than one blog, if you’re also a fan of Namby or someone else. You get 12 votes, to put into whatever categories you want.

    But, since Namby is already beating me, screw ‘em, and just vote for Con Daily.

  3. Ellen Says:

    Why should we vote for YOU? You have NOT posted any thing for along time!

    And you delette my coments!


  4. Not a lawyer Says:

    Oh Ellen! I miss you, honey. Hey – let’s put on our sluttiest outfits and go out together to find you a husband. You seem like so much fun!

  5. Pig Says:

    Sigh. I am working today and my ex wife is up in Big Bear skiing. My GF is expecting an expensive gift and I haven’t gotten out to buy it yet. (no grief on “gotten” please”). Ellen still hasn’t learned how to spell–or perhaps she still drinks before she posts. But at least NAL is back! Hope you landed somewhere cool!

  6. Guano Dubango Says:

    Yes, I would like to bang Ellen.

  7. the god of hamburgers Says:

    Banging Ellen would be like doing it with someone who is learning impaired. And even if she is hot, she’d say “Fooey” when you were done, hound you for weeks afterward. Want her calling you at work? Filling up your emails?

  8. Not a lawyer Says:

    Hey Pig! So what did you end up getting her?

    I did land a fancy new title, but the work is “meh”. I fear I’m actually getting dumber by the day.

    And as far as banging Ellen, I think she has that wild girl side that just wants to use and abuse men with her vulva. I went through that phase when I was 24 – that’s how I met my husband.

  9. Guano Dubango Says:

    At this point, I have not had success with other women, so I am willing to put up with a little more in order to have good sex.

    I feel like this fellow below:

    Two guys sneak into a farmer’s fruit garden and start eating the fruit. The farmer sees them and comes out with a shotgun. ‘Since you guys like fruit so much go pick 100 of which ever fruit you want,’ said the farmer.
    The first guy decides to pick grapes. When he gets 100 he goes back to the farmer.
    The farmer says,’now shove em’ all up your ass.’
    The guy gets all 100 up his ass. He feels really bad, but then he starts to laugh.
    ‘Why you laughing?’ asked the farmer.
    To which the man replied, ‘My friend is out picking watermelons!’

  10. Pig Says:

    Tiffany earrings but not really expensive ones. It was like they made them for guys who want to buy something from tiffany, but not spend too much. I’m not sure where this relationship is going, -she seems so standoffish sometimes-so I want to keep my foot in the door so to speak, but not get carried away. Cowardly perhaps, but prudent for now.

  11. Not a lawyer Says:

    Earrings are never cowardly, Pig. Good move.

  12. Guano Dubango Says:

    Let us get some new posts here. The women are disapearing!

  13. Pig Says:

    Guano, your posts are showing an entirely new and intolerable level of crassness. This is a site for educated nice people, like the ones drinking themsleves into bliss at a foam party in Ibezia, not buffoons cracking terrible jokes better suited to cheap bourbon after a tractor pull.

    We seem to have eliminated “Hank” and “Jed” and those other mono-named 18-teeth jethros, and I object to contaminating this nearly non-existent site with more crass jokes. Its not that I am that sensitive, but crass jokes aren’t funny.

    Please revert to the “nice” and sexually desperate Guano from before (I may be as sexually desperate as you, but you do it so much better than I do. I don’t even have an Aunt Oona).

  14. Guano Dubango Says:

    I would still like to find a woman that respects me, Pig, and if need be, is available for sexual releases. If that is not to be the case here, where else can such a wench be found?

  15. Pig Says:

    Since Not A Lawyer appears to be the only reasonable woman in the US and taken (and apparently out of her wild phase when she was abusing people with HER vulva), I have some suggestions:

    a. the courthouse on the day when DUI cases are heard in some branch courts: I have found them to be 60% young, often single women who were arrested on the way home from a wild party. Most are good looking and their scum BF left them to fend for themselves (this is a treasured piece of information I might add); downside: you need to wear a suit to look trustworthy and successful; other downside: you are often tempted to pay for their fines etc. if things go well. Upside: you can save on booze at abrs after that since you persude them to drink at your place; downside: they tend to be irresponsible.

    b. Moonlight out of the “goodness of your heart” as a career counselor for a large company offloading people and use it to meet laid off women you want to date;

    c. be the recruiting director for a large firm: nothing gets you meeting young hot lawyers like that: downside: most older lawyers know this and greedily take the position for themsleves or watch you like a hawk;

    These efforts may seem terrible to women, but face it, its gotten harder to pick up women in bars, markets and so on. Volunteering for charity work takes way too much time.

  16. Guano Dubango Says:

    These are some interesting ideas. Are there are any places where hot, good looking and successful women just want to meet a guy from Ghana for an afternoon of fun, with no further “strings attached” once we leave the place?

  17. Pig Says:

    The successful ones don’t usually want that: well, not from me anyway. If she’ll do an instant hook up with you then, she’ll do it with anyone. You know what that means: in no time you’ll be checking the drug-resistant strains of STDs, couresty of mindless sex, with someone that had no mind. Really, why don’t you ask for shopping advice in the market, ask some woman’s advice on the right tie….you’re not in your early 20′s anymore. It takes a little more finesese now.

  18. Guano Dubango Says:

    I know. My Aunt Ooona warned me not to dip my wick into the law firm’s inkwell. She explained that if I did, I would, at best, have to see the woman over and over again at work, and would likely just envision her the way I did when she was without clothing performing acts of sex, and at worst, have the same woman pursuing me at work again and again for more sex.

    I therefore keep away from women at work, even though there are a few that would otherwise clearly be worthy enough to bed.

    But since I spend most of my waking hours at work (or going to and from), I need to find another outlet with available, eligible women who will provide me what I need without a lot of beating around the bush.

  19. NonGubango Says:

    I say approach the women at work. Ther’re available for repeat contact which is always the easiest way to meet. No drunken bar scenes. No awkward efforts to make conversation about a cucumber in a Whole Foods.

    Ignore the HR rules: life is short and you can’t enjoy it by worrying about whether you amde a flirty remark at some potentially willing woman. HR people exist to deny everyone a good time: like temperance moms in the early 20th century.

    The key though, is to be reasonably good looking or smart and funny.

    If neither, you better flash money fast so they know you are wealthy and get over the idea that gorgeous woman will sleep with mediocre men for no reason other than her lust for his cave-chested Woody Allenesque physique. It about as stupid an idea as the Pretty Woman idea that a successful intelligent man will find and marry a charming hooker with a heart of gold.

  20. Guano Dubango Says:

    I will consider offering sex to my co-workers, then.

  21. Pig Says:

    That touched on something: my ex HATED the movie PRETTY WOMAN. I liked the movie but felt guilty watching it when she was there.

    It does present a ludicrous idea and is demeaning to women who aren’t hookers. would you let your daughter watch it without some prophalactic blast at the premise? (“no sweetie, nice men with limousines don’t marry hookers.”)

    And Guano, don’t forget to comply with all HR rules when “offer[ing] yourself.” I don’t want to hear that you were fired for harrassing someone.

  22. Guano Dubango Says:

    I have “touched” second base with a middle aged paralegal. She wanted more, but I am taking it slow, because of your concerns. If and when we get to third base, it will be at her place, not mine, because if there is going to be any accusations, it will be on her turf. Once I am able to round third, I can arrange for a weekend getaway fand I should be able to safely slide into the home plate.

  23. the god of hamburgers Says:

    Def her place so you can leave and always say she invited you. i would secretly tape it too, just in case she accuses you of harassment later. Her name isn’t “ellen” is it? On 2d thought, maybe you shouldn’t be seeing anyone from work.

  24. JP Says:

    So this place is still operational. I wonder how BL1Y is doing. I haven’t harassed him in some time.

    You at BOA, Not a Lawyer? How are the banks going to handle 0% interest rates until 2014?

    I’m going to ignore whoever Pig is talking to.

    I know of one associate-associate match that went well, although it ended, it ended amicably. I know of one permanent associate-paralegal marriage that has produced a nice family.

    I also know of one associate-partner affair that went horribly wrong and another associate-partner adultery affair that was just strange.

  25. Not a lawyer Says:

    Wow Guano – a weekend away just to ensure a home run? She must be incredible! I’ve given it up for far less – but I was young and dumb back then. Maybe you should go to a college party?

  26. Guano Dubango Says:

    I earn a decent wage, so I surmise that this would be a good way to ease into intercourse. I mentioned this to her when we went out last night after work Thursday and I think I will have a very good shot when we go away because when we were at the bar waiting for a table, she ran her hand all the way up my leg. This is not something other women have done.

  27. JP Says:

    Why are we talking to performance art again? I know it’s interactive, but it’s kind of like talking to a Nigerian bank scammer.

  28. Pig Says:

    Come on JP. no flattening the free spirits here.

    Tell us what you told Merkel at Davos while swilling 25 year MacCallam, and how you’re going to find Corzine’s missing 1.2b. Or tell ME so I can go find it.

    And don’t be mean to this Guano Dubango person: the more the merrier. He’s had the same spiel for at least 2 years: an endless quest to get laid and find a wife approved by his Aunt “Ooona.”

    Here in Calif it was 79 over the weeeknd both days. Gorgeous sunsets!

    But our governor is a weirdo: wants to build high speed rail costing 99b, we have a federal grant for 3b, and need only 96b more. To raise taxes, leave our bloated union pensions intact and he’s letting cities crack down on pot pharmacies! There go the foil-wrapped edibles!

    (I am not a pot person myself: but friends are. Those pharmacies are loaded with liquid, edible, etc stuff and apparently all you need is a half way decent excuse from a complaint docctor. It’ll be a shame to lose them).

    UCLA law school is now 2 years into its decision to raise its tuition to slightly over 40,000 because (he told me primly), “we can.” UCLA itself is hiking tuition to about 13,000–it was about 8,000 five years ago. I think they are betraying the entire idea of the UC. But that’s just me.

    So how ARE lawyers doing? Is the market any better for new ones than last year?

  29. Not a lawyer Says:

    I just paid a lawyer $5k to fill in some words on a template, so I think they’re doing well.

  30. Guano Dubango Says:

    You should try to contact a woman who can service you.

  31. Ellen Says:

    FOOEY on this web sight! FOOEY!

  32. JP Says:

    And Bank of America freezes it’s pension.

    Everyone enjoying this “bull market”?

  33. Guano Dubango Says:

    JP, I think all but the bravest have abandoned this site, as BL1Y is no longer updating it. Even the homely women have moven on.

  34. JP Says:

    Matt Tiabbi (or however you spell his name), is now saying this about Bank of America:

    “There are two things every American needs to know about Bank of America.

    The first is that it’s corrupt. This bank has systematically defrauded almost everyone with whom it has a significant business relationship, cheating investors, insurers, homeowners, shareholders, depositors, and the state. It is a giant, raging hurricane of theft and fraud, spinning its way through America and leaving a massive trail of wiped-out retirees and foreclosed-upon families in its wake.

    The second is that all of us, as taxpayers, are keeping that hurricane raging. Bank of America is not just a private company that systematically steals from American citizens: it’s a de facto ward of the state that depends heavily upon public support to stay in business. In fact, without the continued generosity of us taxpayers, and the extraordinary indulgence of our regulators and elected officials, this company long ago would have been swallowed up by scandal, mismanagement, prosecution and litigation, and gone out of business. It would have been liquidated and its component parts sold off, perhaps into a series of smaller regional businesses that would have more respect for the law, and be more responsive to their customers.”

  35. El jeffe Grande (formerly PIG) Says:

    So that nice little bank started by an italian immigrant …that gave free savings accounts to school children…that funded enormous portions of California’s growth…that was once known for excellent customer service…has been nothing but a money pit for the past 40 years…after being taken over by the CPA’s.. Damn shame. I blame Tom Clausen. The worst of the green-eyeshade types. And his pliant board of directors, who allowed all that nonsense to come to pass.

  36. JP Says:

    Oh, well. Looks like the news media has moved onto Goldman Sachs and that VP who just said “I didn’t know wall street was a corrupt greed machine!”

  37. Guano Dubango Says:

    Yes, it is true. I met a woman who worked there. She did not exude any feminity or any desire for me, so I did not buy her a drink, as it would have been for naught, as you Americans say. At this point in my life, I require a minimum ROI with the money I spend on women.

  38. el jeffe Says:

    What a whiner he seems to be. Not just the “I’m shocked, shocked, to find gambling going on,” but the gratuitous slam on the way out.

    Is he going to return his ill-gotten gains to charity? To the clients?

    Or his he simply a pontificating blowhard like that lawyer Harrison Ford played in “Regarding Henry” (spoiler summary: Dark-side lawyer deprives miserable old wispy-haired people of justice, but that night, leaves his hot wife at home to walk in bitter cold for cigarettes at a seedy store, where he is shot in the head by a robber, and on recovery decides to be “nice.” He keeps all his money but turns over explosive documents to the wispy-haired old people who are still irritable and old: stabs his law firm in the back even tho they carried him for months if not a year).

    Like Buffet: “I want to pay more taxes!” Good–start paying and stop asking for my taxes to go up.

  39. Not a Lawyer Says:

    What IS the desired ROI on an $8 cocktail these days, Guano?

  40. Guano Dubango Says:

    I think that one drink cannot make a decent woman “drop trou” but a pig will bed down for even less than an $8 drink.

  41. Not a Lawyer Says:

    Ahhh Good – glad to hear you’re realistic!

  42. JP Says:

    So, what’s the word on the street with the Goldman guy?

    Anyone have any news?

  43. Not a Lawyer Says:

    In a stragnge and shocking turn of events, I find myself in the middle of a very nasty divorce. Anyone know anything about family law?

  44. Pig Says:

    NAL, I am so sorry to hear that. Divorces are just a pain. And emotionally unsettling. And you have to keep a leash on the lawyer that wants to run up a big bill, since a lot of issues are very pre ordained, depending on who makes what.

    My understanding is all from California, but the issues are often the same even if the state tilts one way or the other.

    One: who makes more money? The high earning spouse is usually the one that has to pay some part of the differential in incncome to the lesser earning spouse. Caveats where the high earner can prove that his or her job is fragile or income is declining.

    Caveat also: if the marriage is “long term,” the lower earning spouse (LES) is usually entitled to this spousal support for a long time-maybe for life. Especially if she is not working and hasn’t worked in a long time. Or if the LES is having trouble keeping a job due to economic problems.

    Hint: in these uncertain times, ressit if you are the LES, the urge to be magnanimous and forfeit your rights. Keep them. I sense you might think that way: don’t. (If I knew your husband, I’d be telling him-try to get her to waive them; she’s still young etc). Don’t do it. Don’t be crazy, but don’t waive anything you’re entitled to.

    Hint: The high earner often wants a “cut off” date for spousal support. So when that date arrives, payments ened. I’d resist that if you are going to paid. Wihtout a cut off date, you can go back to ask for more support if you nee dit. If not and you become disabled, for example, you may have trouble if you agreed to a cut off.

    Two: assets: if you bought it before marriage, it can be separate property (like an IRA you started before marriage and did not contribute to during the marriage). In manys attes if there is community money spent on the object–e.g., a house or car-it is often held to have become community property. we divided tanglible stuff equally.

    Non tangible assets: Calif made me pay my ex for 50% of the value of my law partnership: its a silly thing, since no one would really buy it. But if your state allows that–for the spouse that has a law or medical practice to have to pay you a buy out, by all means go for that. Of if he ahs a patent, a niche career–the good will he ahs in his practice is probably an asset that needs to be paid for since he’ll keep the practice.

    Kids: we split 50/50 on legal and phyical custody. Many women’s groups [yes they do really] advise the woman to grab full custody if she can get it since child support paymnts are usually non-taxable, whereas spousal support is usually taxed as income. Obviously, that is a personal thing.

    Move away agreements: sometimes people want to add a term preventing any spouse from moving away and claiming it’ll be betetr for the kids. The spouse with the most custody time is sometimes allowed to do this. Watch for it as an issue.

    Schools: who is going to pay for the private schools, summer camps etc? Sometimes a good idea to provide for that since sometimes, an ex does wan’t pay for them–knowing that you, a big softie, will. So you can be stuck paying for a lot, that ought to be split.

    We put stuff in our settlement agrement requiring agrement and consultation obligations on medical decisions, etc.

    Our mediator sucked: my first lawyer sucked; her middle lawyer was a billing machine. But we got through it and so will you.

    Legal fees: watch the lawyers: some want to litigate like mad and will run up a big bill the high earner has to pay–which benefits no one. Don’t let them run the case.

    Assume you have a lawyer: would reccomend you retain one even if you are confident you can work it all out. Even a short retention to get advice is a good idea.

    Protect the kids from emotional turmoil: no spouse should be trashing the other.

    I am so sorry. Mine was really unsettling. Please remember they happen all the time. To everyone. people grow apart for no sensible reasons. You turn around one day and find out that what you thought was a certain state of affairs has been eroding for years and its gone.

    Best of luck on it all. We are all rooting for you here, at this ..weird website that is almost like…a ghost town…
    If you need any specifics, I check back here one a week or so.

  45. Not a Lawyer Says:

    No worries on spousal support – it doesn’t exist in Texas, and I make slightly more money than he does, but we’re pretty equal. Our demise was a result of uncovering of a TON of hidden debt, large chunks of cash gone missing, and his refusal to admit or accept responsibility for any of it. The guy literally became a different person and lost his mind overnight – started drinking every night, going out with trashy girls, and gets VERY mean and nasty to me in front of the kids. Lucky for me, I have an audit background and managed to catch on to the hidden cash pretty quickly.

    The main probelem is custody – though he is (in my mind) unstable, and hasn’t paid a bill in years, he says he’s going for full custody. Looks like we’re facing a social study. I put the kids in counseling a couple of months ago.

    He also goes back and forth on whether he wants to fight over the house. To me, it’s open and shut. I get the house and the kids. But he’s going to lie like hell to make me look bad. I have a lawyer – I’ve already filed and requested a temporary hearing. I just need to survive the process and get this deadbeat off my back.

  46. El Jeffe Pig Says:

    Hidden debt: something he ought to assume as part of a split since it does not sound like the community or whatever TX calls it, got any benefit from it. Essentially he has wasted community assets and there may be a claim for reimbursement against him.

    Careful if anyone suggests debt cancellation: cancelled debt can mean imputed income and the feds then tax it. Get him to assume that debt if you can, and acknowledge you never owed a dime of it.

    Sure he wants full custody since he’ll get tax free income for both kids that you cannot deduct. And whatever “temporary” arrangement that exists now or before the deal is inked tends to become the final one. So I’d be wary of allowing any 50/50 deal now, since it will undercut your claim that he’s unstable (he sounds unstable).

    Excessive alcohol and trashy women are custody turn offs–can you prove? If not can you find proof? Spending as he does suggests he’d blow child support money too.

    Watch emails with him–write them all as if they’ll be evidence.

    If he gets the house, he’ll say its the best place for the kids, and you’ll wind up paying for him and the house for years. (Stability for the kids). He needs to be out of the house.

    Go to every medical appointment, every school meeting (which you probably already did) and so on. He cannot be allowed to rehabilitate himself by acting as if he is the “responsible” parent. Save all checks to dentists, doctors, schools etc to have a record that proves you are indeed the real parent taking care of the kids.

    Best of luck,

    Probably not the time to be respond by dating trashy guys or getting a DUI. Walk on eggshells for now.

  47. Not a Lawyer Says:

    Hidden Debt: Yeah – to the tune of $75k. Texas is a community property state, so though it’s all in his name I am responsible for half, unless I want to go to court and prove Fraud on the Community….which I feel I can for sure. It’s just a cost/benefit analysis. If it’s going to cost me $40k to fight it, why not just pay it?

    I don’t think he really wants custody…he just wants to not pay child support. One thing I’ve just learned about my partner of 9 years…the guy doesn’t pay for ANYTHING. And he knows nothing about money.

    He hasn’t contributed a dime to living expenses in 4 months. Prior to that, he only contributed about $1000 a month (which was half of the child care cost until recently when one went to school and the cost went down). I paid all of the bills and living expenses and his job was “the fun stuff” like entertainment and vacations. He managed to consistently spend $3000 a month on “fun” and pay only about $600 a month toward his debt.

    I’ve learned A LOT in the past 2 months…..more than I ever wanted to. That’s certain.

  48. Not a Lawyer Says:

    Oh, and no worries about DUIs or trashy guys. My vulva is on higher security lockdown than Ellen’s.

  49. JP Says:

    Sorry to hear about that, NAL.

    I know nothing about family law. I got to experience my father’s divorce, but that was more of an “I told you so” moment than anything else. I was surprised that it lasted more than 12 months.

    Uh, how did he manage to run up $75k in debt?

    That takes some effort. I ran up $120k in debt once, but that involved a law degree coupled with basically no income for three years. My wife still complains about it, however.

    One of our daughter’s friends mother’s did the midlife (30s) losing her mind thingy. I’m not sure of the real story on that one, but she seemed to go wackadoo instantly. Then she immediately started dating. It was the strangest thing I’d ever seen. Her facebook posts are absolutely fascinating.

    Another couple separated because of actual mental illness, schizophrenia. That was more sad than anything else. Classic case of “I don’t need my meds”. Right, sure, you don’t need your meds.

  50. Guano Dubango Says:

    Not a lawyer: I am sorry for you, but good news! I am looking for a wife. If you are still fertile and want to bear me issue, please to advise.

  51. El jeffe Pig Says:

    Guano, have some class please! This is a real person, not a keyboard creation like “Ellen.”

    Besides, she’s not your type. She has kids; she doesn’t like boring, and lets face it–with you and I, the needle tilts more to boring than fun. Her H sounds like he was fun in a limited, mildy amusing, creative way that people who don’t work as hard as you can be, or in a tool belt way, but she didn’t look to him as financial security. He’s the Jamie Lannister of the group, but wihtout the money. She chose him over boring and responsible people, and even if she was ready for “responsible,” she’d never really be happy with you. She’d secretly detest you. It would be settling. You’d be miserable.

    What is always amazing to people who work to build something is that this husband –this ingrate- ate the top of the muffin- ruined the stability and soldidity of everything they had, and she had worked for.

    Remember her worrying about her job? And while she’s being responsible, and trying to do her best, he’s out punching holes in the boat!

    I mean was it too much to expect him to grasp that he had a good deal there? Appreciate who was pulling the oars, what it meant to run up debt, etc? If he couldn’t pull his weight, was it too much to expect him to at least not piss in the food?

    But like JP notes, some people just go off the deep end. Bipolar, or whatever, they just lose it. In centuries past, they’d be outcast for causing so much trouble. Now we give them half of everything they made it so hard to build (OK, yes I am a teeny bit irritated even now at my ex).

    In retrospect, you realize they were funny and amusing when you were young, but their habits are irritating and dangerous when you get older, and have a mortgage etc.

  52. Not a Lawyer Says:

    Wow, Pig. Without knowing the nitty grity details, you get it. Was your situation the same?

    “Her H sounds like he was fun in a limited, mildy amusing, creative way that people who don’t work as hard as you can be, or in a tool belt way, but she didn’t look to him as financial security. … She chose him over boring and responsible people,”

    You hit the nail on the head, Pig. I myself am boring and responsible (well, boring is relative) so I married a 40 year frat boy. I was out-earning him by the time I was 24 and he was 33 (ironically, my age now). It was never about money with him.

    I get the feeling that the reason he’s being such an ass about it is that he really does feel guilty. He can’t really deal with the fact that he did this to us, so he’s going to try to convince himself it was justified, or somehow my fault. It is also no help that his best friend, another perpetual frat boy, just became engaged/unengaged/engaged again/unengaged again to a 23 year old girl. My dear husband doesn’t see the writing on the wall. That credit card and boyish charm may get him laid, but no girl will ever support him and love him the way I did.

    Since filing, many of my girlfriends have said, “I always thought you married down, anyway.” So even being younger and better looking than your spouse isn’t a guarantee to hold thier interest. It’s like he destroyed this relationship as a self-fulfilling prophecy because he never thought he could keep me in the first place. WHY DO I HAVE SUCH BAD TASTE IN MEN? Ugh – now I’m mad again!

    On happier note: Some of the other wives in my super-conservative neighborhood have been surprisingly supportive and offered to throw me a “pajama party” where all the fabulous PTA moms purchase their, um, toys. I think I’ll become a lesbian.

    Hearing to establish Temporary Orders is on May 10th. Wish me luck.

    And thanks. Even though we’re strangers, this is good therapy!

  53. Not a Lawyer Says:


    He ran up the debt by charging EVERYTHING. Every lunch, every bar tab, the one oand only bill he was expected to pay – the cable bill. He consistently charged 2500 – 4000 each month and paid about $600. It took about 2 years. His cash mysteriously disappeared in chunks, like a $3000 teller withdrawal. He refuses to acknowledge this even though I intercepted his bank statement.

    We have a similar situation in our neighborhood, where the stay-at-home mom left her husband and 3 kids, up and moved to Florida, bought a lotus, and tattooed her entire back with a set of wings. I just can’t look away……

    I however, am throwing this bum (and his newly acquired stash of Extenze) out, telling him to keep his damn money, and get out of my life, so that I can raise my chjildren with love, respect and stability.

  54. Pig Says:

    Sounds like a woman on the side, drugs or gambling.

    Some people have a chip that malfunctions after about 7 to 10 years. Maybe because they take for granted what you give them.

    My ex, also a lawyer and no dummy, used to tell me how easy I had it at work, because i was not around kids all day long.

    I didn’t mind crediting the fiction that her housework-bossing the maid, taking the kids to the beach etc. was as hard as my job. But I suppose deep down, you expect even the densest man or woman to “get it,” –that despite all the relentless PC articles, not having to work is easier than working.

    She was the fun one in our marriage the one that drank too much, said things we had to apologize for the next day, and cracked off color jokes. She was more fun at a party than me.

    And the one that went off the rails. My oldest won’t talk to her. I try not to talk to her.

    A friend had a husband like that: he golfed etc and finally cheated on her and later wound up demanding (and getting) lots of support from her. He drained her dry while going on 15 vacations a year, smoking pot in front of the kids and generally being a ball and chain on her for years.

    They just decide to blow it all off, run up debt, drink too much, blow off the kids and let you do the heavy lifting.

    NAL, you won’t be 33 forever. Do what you can to cut this guy off: and if he is entitled to support, get a cut off date. Cut off dates are intended to prevent them from coming back again and again. Right now he may still be young enough to sign it. As he gets older, he never will.

    PS: does that extenze stuff work? Never tried.

    PPS: what a fun neighborhood you have!

    PPSS: let us know on May 10!

  55. Not a Lawyer Says:

    Pig – I am in the minority in my neighborhood in that I am a working mom, and not just selling candles from my living room. I am constantly bombarded with , “Staying home is the hardest job I ever!” Really? That’s why you’re having “mommy martinis” by the pool every day from 1-3 with all of the other mommies? That’s why you roll into the school drop off in your workout attire ready to hit the gym (gotta get it in before happy hour!) while I had to get up at 5am in order squeeze in my 6 miles of running? These ladies may inquire politely about where I work, and say, “Oh, the one at the corner of such and such?” speaking of a branch of my bank and assuming I must work as a drive-thru teller. Little do they know, their husbands probably work for me.

    There will be no spousal support. We make very close to the same amount of money. There will, at least in interim, be child support though. He agreed this morning to forgo the hearing and agree to me having extended standard possession of the children and standard support while the social study is going on. He’s agreed to move out by this Sunday at 6pm. I have NO idea what prompted this, because his lawyer seemed all hot to trot for this hearing. Maybe she got more of the real story.

    PS: Not sure. If he did take the missing pills, it wasn’t for my benefit. I’ll have to ask her.

    PPS: Yeah, some of these ladies are pretty great. Closet freaks, if you will. I may complain about all of the SAHMs in my neighborhood, but there are actually some really great ladies here. That’s why I’m going to fight like hell for this house.

    PPPS: No need! No hearing. Temp Orders to be signed asap.

  56. JP Says:

    NAL says:

    “He ran up the debt by charging EVERYTHING. Every lunch, every bar tab, the one oand only bill he was expected to pay – the cable bill. He consistently charged 2500 – 4000 each month and paid about $600. It took about 2 years. His cash mysteriously disappeared in chunks, like a $3000 teller withdrawal. He refuses to acknowledge this even though I intercepted his bank statement.”

    My money started disappearing in chunks and my wife got mad about it in early 2011. (Actually, when she was reviewing the 2012 statements for tax purposes).

    However, that was because I was shorting/hedging the market during QEII, so I wasn’t actually *spending* the money. Rather, I was giving back gains from prior years. So then we had an argument about how 3% in a 5-year CD was much better than my 0% five year round trip.

    And at least I acknowledged that it was stupid to fight the fed when it’s pumping massive liquidity into the system. The real problem is that I can’t make the money back right now because the market’s a mess and I can’t short this market like I could in 2008. I don’t blame my wife. I blame Bernake.

    I’m thinking that NAL’s situaion is more like a classic male mid-life crisis than anything else I’ve seen. He doesn’t sound like he went off the rails as much as he went into standard man-shock at age 40 when his BFF got a 23 year old chicklet and he panicked. “I’M GETTING OLD. AHHHHHH!!!!!”



    NAL says: ” WHY DO I HAVE SUCH BAD TASTE IN MEN? Ugh – now I’m mad again!”

    I’m not sure that you could have predicted a mid-life crisis that would involve massive debts at even if he is a 40 year old frat boy. I don’t know of *any* divorce that I’ve seen that involved this particular fact pattern. Most of them are more like Pig’s “off the rails” situation.

    Has he gone to law school yet? If he’s not a lawyer, you could make any settlement contingent on him going to law school and becoming a lawyer and getting a job doing Doc Review.

    That would be funny.

    You could blog about it.

  57. Pig Says:

    We too were in the parent group that could visit school in the morning when the school would announce honor roll, or have a presentation.

    But I always had to hustle out to work after the headmaster’s speech was over. So did about 25% of the parents. I was so envious of the leisure parents-the ones that could stay.

  58. JP Says:

    I’m an overworked leisure parent. Meaning that I have nearly 100% flexibility in attending school thingies, but I often work late.

    I inflicted too much work on myself lately. I was there until 11:30 p.m last Friday. Not fun.

    But it’s all my fault because I control intake. Go figure.

  59. Not a Lawyer Says:

    I still should have seen this coming. Being young and optimistic (and let’s face it – pregnant), I took a chance on a guy who was probably not husband material. I should have known better. Looking back – there were a lot of red flags.

    He used to tell me all of the time that when I turned 40, he was going to trade me in for “Two Twenties.” I guess he couldn’t bear the thought of waiting another 7 years.

    Regarding the missing cash, when I confronted him about it, he denied and denied and denied. When I pulled out the bank statements showing the teller withdrawals, he said he spent the money on a ball-shave. Yes, that’s what he said. $3,300 on getting his balls shaved. I can’t make this stuff up. This is what I’m dealing with.

  60. Pig Says:

    There’s a career I hadn’t thought of. And with a great hourly rate too. I can staff up with minimum wage cuties, buy a lot of insurance and wait for lawyers, accountants and bankers to come in to “The Steady Hand” for a shave.

    Rolls Royce TV commercials will feature my staff at work in the back seat -”So stable the trained employees of El jeffe Pig can shave the hair of this man’s balls.” (“do not try this at home: closed course”)

    Politicians will lose elections as they are outed for “getting a taxpayer funded ball shave.”

    JP, in this economy, its best to be over than underloaded.

    NAL, i have never understood guys like that. The “2 20′s” I mean. But its clear he’s mentally checked out as of a good 8 months ago. No reservations, no real worry about what he will say. Mentally he is 100% gone. He is just “managing” the split now. Sorry about that.

    But you’re still awfully young, whereas he probably sees this as his “last” 10 years. Good that it happened now. Just think how messed up he’s going to be at 50.

  61. JP Says:

    “Regarding the missing cash, when I confronted him about it, he denied and denied and denied. When I pulled out the bank statements showing the teller withdrawals, he said he spent the money on a ball-shave. Yes, that’s what he said. $3,300 on getting his balls shaved. I can’t make this stuff up. This is what I’m dealing with.”

    NAL: Now that I know that there is possibly such a thing as a “ball shave” I’m trying to figure out whether it is possible to spend $3,300 on a ball shave.

    The sad thing is that given what I know of the human condition it’s not actually outside the realm of possibility, however, the only thing that I can come up with is an Elliott Spitzer call girl performing the ball shave.

    Did he mention whether it was a weekly shaving event?

    Pig: The problem is that my clients are less stable than NAL’s soon to be ex. I had a client reduce my assistant to tears yesterday because he’s a mentally unstable jerk, which is *why* he’s a client in the first place.

    Today, I got to read psychological reports that involved polygamous BDSM and mild mental retardation. Think about putting the two of those together. I still can’t quite process that experience.

    On the plus side, I no longer have to work for megacorporations.

  62. Not a Lawyer Says:

    He probably went and buried it in the yard in anticipation of having to split his assets with me.

    I hired a new, meaner, more expensive attorney last Friday. By Monday he had the ex agreeing to move out of the house this Sunday, and pay child support while we sort out the rest of it. It’s a Mother’s Day Miracle!

    JP – wow. I’ll take the megacorporations over that any day. The shaving events don’t take place regularly, but for $3300, he should really just get them lasered, no?

    Pig – you’re right. At 41, he may seem in his prime now, but another 10 years and it’s all downhill. In the past he hasn’t even taken very good care of himself, so time will tell. Maybe he’ll actually start excercising in an attempt to capture his next ex-wife?

    33 doesn’t feel young or old to me right now. People keep telling me I’ll have “no problem finding someone else” (sorry – not to sound like Ellen – it is a bit obnoxious), but the thing is, I don’t think I want anyone else.

    When I met Tony (Yes, Tony. I’m telling you that because I suddenly realize what a dbag name he has) I was young and single and free. I had nothing to lose by falling in love. I didn’t even have much of a career yet. There was nothing pressing going on in my life that could interfere with love.

    Now that I have kids, and a career, and real things that more important than the warm fuzzy feeling of being in love, I don’t think I can ever really fall in love again. I’ll never love anybody even as much as I love kids, and I don’t want to. So 33 may seem young, but I may as well be 53, because I don’t see much else happening the rest of my life.

  63. Pig Says:

    At 50 men become almost invisible to younger women unless they have money, power or use drugs. Older guys in my firm that say its like going under a cloak of invisibility.

    Like that scene in “Up in The Air” where Clooney’s character hears his young assistant reassure her BF on the phone that there is no worry about her messing around with Clooney on a business trip: “he’s old,” she says dismissively.

    Same with older women: after about 50, they can dye their hair, smile, keep weight down etc, but there is no hiding the age.

    Tony will be working hard to support himself, no more house, more tension and stress, and that’s not a great dating profile.


    You owe it to yourself to not become totally kid centric: its not healthy and once their in school, you’ll have more time: and at age 60, you’ll tell them, “I gave up my life for you.” They’ll say “Mom we didn’t ask you too,” and they’ll be right. No need to rush, but be open to it. Lots of good guys out there.

    And …think…change the locks?; suspend retirement contributions till the 401k is split?; get his name off any and all bank accounts if you can; consider a life insurance trust for the kids and get T off it?.

  64. JP Says:

    I’m going to agree with Pig on this one:

    “You owe it to yourself to not become totally kid centric: its not healthy and once their in school, you’ll have more time: and at age 60, you’ll tell them, “I gave up my life for you.” They’ll say “Mom we didn’t ask you too,” and they’ll be right. No need to rush, but be open to it. Lots of good guys out there. ”

    However, I’m pretty sure that it’s a good idea to not actively pursue any new long term relationship for 13-24 months. Now, if one drops into your lap, that’s a different story. Career, kid, and friend focus seems to be the best idea.

    However, there seems to be approximately zero risk that you will do this, so it’s all good.

    NAL says: “33 doesn’t feel young or old to me right now. People keep telling me I’ll have “no problem finding someone else” (sorry – not to sound like Ellen – it is a bit obnoxious), but the thing is, I don’t think I want anyone else. ”

    If my 34 year old wife divorced me, she would have no problem finding someone else. It’s mostly a statement of fact.

    Pig, how long have you lived in divorceworld?

  65. JP Says:

    Also, crazy people are *much* less stressful than megacorporations. It does take a little while to get used to crazy people. Fortunately, I went to college, so I’m well acquainted with crazy.

    Because I *expect* them to be crazy and can completely disregard them. Also, I get to fire them if they do something too wackadoo. Like a drug dealing client I’m about to fire. She was freaking out that she couldn’t pay her light bill. According to the police blotter, she had an interest in buying things other than electricity.

  66. Pig Says:

    10 years. I’d love a 34 year old wife, and I’d love more kids, but cannot afford to be financially skinned again. Thank god I got a cut off date for spousal support or I’d really have been screwed.

    Pre-nups out here are enforceable –unless “its unconscionable” to do so: meaning, if she really, really needs it or has young children, or is too old, or has been out of the workforce, or is sick. . .

  67. Not a Lawyer Says:

    JP – I just went to dinner last night with a very dear friend from college. She’s a hippie-dippie mother earth incarnate type, and a special ed teacher in the same district that in which I live. She’s worked in AIDS services, she’s worked non-profit rehabbing hookers and users. She’s just “one of those” who has a special talent for reaching people. She recently started taking anti-anxiety meds, and you know what she told me? It’s not her precious students pushing her over the edge – it’s the effed up administration! Maybe you’re onto something with the whole “crazy over megacorporations” thing.

    Thing is, I can manipulate the powers that be in a corporation with my threats of “unmitigated risk” and “SEC Fines”, but I can’t argue with crazy. That would drive ME crazy.

    Speaking of crazy, I discovered yesterday that Tony spent $8,731 in one month, $4500 of which was on Rangers World Series tickets. This was all just one month after my mother passed away, so I think Tony thought he was going to hit pay dirt on an inheritance and just went nuts.

    Is that enough crazy for a Friday morning?

    The dating thing – I gave my same argument to my friend last night. She says, that there will be someone that will understand that they can’t be my #1 and only, and that they’ll love me for it. I say fat chance…..

    Definitely no rush. I’ve never been one that’s afraid to be alone. I actually enjoy it! Maybe too much. Ha.

  68. Not a Lawyer Says:

    Oh, the locks. I’m Texan. Dallas-raised. My hair is big and blond. It’s kind of a requirement. I don’t know if I could change it.

  69. JP Says:

    I left the firm I was as an associate, taking a pay cut, to play with crazy people, primarily to get away from the anxiety-producing world of billable hours and partnership.

    When I started doing this work, I honestly didn’t know that crazy people existed. I was very sheltered.

    Once of my friend was just tossed on the associate scrapheap after 12 years of loyal service to the firm. Another guy I know where was just de-partnered. I’m feeling better about my current choice.

    I’m also the oldest attorney who actually practices law in the firm I’m with. A whopping four practicing attorney. I don’t count the actual owner of the firm, who is really a marketing person.

    I really need to go into psychiatry. I’ve got all the questions down.

    “Tell me about the voices. How loud are they? What are they telling you to do? How many times have you attempted suicide?”

    Sadly, I don’t think Tony has a psychiatric problem that can be remedied. I think his problem is his personality and approach to life. Modern medicine can’t really fix that.

  70. Not a Lawyer Says:

    Soooo, is it just the three of us? Are we like those last few people at the party who just won’t leave?

  71. Pig Says:

    It sure looks that way. But I’m sure Ellen would come back if we need 4. Unless she worked at Dewey, or the Chase trading desk, in which case she really has something to say “fooey” about.

  72. Not a Lawyer Says:

    She wouldn’t have time to say fooey. In my experience, when one head rolls, every head that ever worked with, for, under, or had lunch with that head rolls too. My old firm once fired an entire department after such a loss. They narrowed it down to one officer and took out his entire organization. Resumes are definitley flying out to the street.

    Okay, so I really did just make appointment to change the locks. The real locks, since no one liked my hair joke. I woke up the other night to find Tony rummaging through a closet at midnight, so locks will be done on Sunday.

    All accounts are now separated with the exception of the mortgage, which I will refi once I have the decree.

  73. Pig Says:

    I liked the lock joke!

    On to computer, bank, facebook and other passwords!

  74. JP Says:

    “Soooo, is it just the three of us? Are we like those last few people at the party who just won’t leave?”

    Yes. This is a very unusual internet situation.

  75. Not A Lawyer Says:

    Done and done. I’m sort of known for my insane efficiency and type A listmaking, so it was a piece of cake.

    I’m well aware that my facebook is being watched closely by his entire family…this is the most exciting scandal they’ve ever seen. They’re dying for me to start posting party pictures, get new tattoos, and change my relationship status to: “looking for women.” So instead, I’m laying low and hanging out here…..alone with 2 strange men.

    So if this were a party, BL1Y would be in the kitchen, with all of the dishes cleaned and put away, pacing back and forth, saying, “Why are the still HERE?!”

  76. JP Says:

    I hung out with a guy today who I believe is the boyfriend of the wife of the husband in whose trailer he lives. Fortunately, the husband has a new girlfriend.

    I won that case, but it had nothing to do with their unique and post-modern living situation.

    BL1Y has abandoned this blog. I’m pretty sure he thinks about it once a month. He probably *has* to renew the domain name just to keep his BL1Y cred.

  77. Pig Says:

    With Tony out of the closet, NAL hanging with 2 strange men, and JP hanging with a guy who lives in another man’s trailer and dates his wife, I’m the square one here.

    At least I can truthfully tell people I’m in a threesome. (“No, you don’t know her, she’s not a lawyer.”)

    Bet we collectively register more hits for Bl1y than he gets for ConLawDaily, to say nothing of whoever runs the near moribund “Bitter Lawyer,’ where “Ellen” appears to live now. (“Fooey” and all).

    People do weird stuff in divorces: In Northern California, a divorce lawyers had three hot women on retainer. They would approach a divorcing man at a bar, flatter the bedazzled guy, buy him drinks and when he left, a cop on his payroll would bust the guy for DUI. Blowing child custody etc.

    JP: your friend who was sacked after 12 years: transactional or litigation? What’s he/she going to do?

  78. JP Says:

    He was in litigation. Fortunately, a woman who was angling to make equity partner with a big pile of franchise litigation cases was told that she would have to wait in line (or something to that effect). So she bailed and he was dumped at the same time and she knows that he’s good, so whammo, he has some solid contract work for the next 12-36 months at about 2x to 3x pay. After that? Well, hopefully he finds something.

    I think that the firm is of the mindset that corporate litigation is going to way of insurance defense. Limited billings, so why make more partners?

    What are you anyway? A commercial litigator? I’m all federal litigation and federal administrative at the moment (for a TV firm).

  79. JP Says:

    This kind of reminds me when my joint blog died. It’s one of the few blogs that was created because the commenters on the original blog (Sudden Debt) went off various random tangents that were completely unrelated to the issue at hand.

    The problem there was that the main tangenteer passed away unexpectedly due to a heart attack.

  80. Not A Lawyer Says:

    My neighbor just left medical malpractice litigation (mostly defense) to do insurance defense. Her stories are HILARIOUS. She should be blogging. That’s all I got regarding careers in law.

    Pig, that is crazy! As much as I want to hurt him, I don’t think I could initiate that. Judging by the recent bank and credit card statements I just hacked, he’ll have no problem doing that to himself.

    JP – so you’re saying that the “tenant” was banging his landlord’s old lady? I think that’s sort of expected in some parts. What else is there to do?

  81. JP Says:

    NAL: I was most fascinated that there were two couples in the trailer, and the two people who were married weren’t in the same couple.

    Do you have some “finance stories”? There have to be amusing things that delusional overconfident bankers do that are just as entertaining as medical malpractice stories.

  82. Not a Lawyer Says:

    Oh I see! Well, it takes all kinds. I wonder if they’d make room for Tony? He took his Extenze with him, so hey, maybe he’d be a nice addition? Where are you again that the trailer parks are so abuzz with activity?

    All of my stories are just maddening – not really funny. Nothing funny about stupid people controlling billions of dollars in assets. Nothing at all.

    After many many frustrating discussions, I once had to get on whiteboard and write out $4,500,000,000 DOES NOT = $3,100,000,000. Activity does not reconcile. Cash break = $1.4B. My audience was the CFO. Seriously. It’s not even funny – just an infuriating waste of time.

    One of my former collegues, a “quant” guy that actually analyzes the propietary financial models used by the risk groups and traders once told me that best part of his job was working with “Exotic Models.” Giggle. See? Auditors just aren’t funny.

  83. JP Says:

    The trailers are scattered throughout southeastern North Carolina.

    However, the inhabitant in question clearly came from New Jersey.

    Some of the most fascinating people here are from the less than upscale regions of NY and NJ. Because it’s warm here. And they have a certain reputation where they used to live. Specifically, the prison wardens know them a little too well. But that’s the normal outcome for poorly controlled schizhoaffective disorder. My most fascinating clients are from the Northeast. I’m from PA, so they aren’t that unfamiliar.

    I had a judge the other day say to my client: “I know that I might seem like a compassionate person. But I’m really not.”

    There are always the old Texas stories about bankers drinking champagne out of cowboy boots after a major deal. You know, before the deal goes horribly wrong because they were stupid to lend out the money.

  84. Not a Lawyer Says:

    Some things never change. A friend of mine in securities was rewarded with an engraved bottle of scotch for doing a deal where she packages, securitizes and sells bonds on the advances that are owed to mortgage servicers by the note holders. The days of selling bad and getting drunk to celebrate it are not over, my friend.

  85. Not a Lawyer Says:

    PA – I have a lot of family in Pittsburgh so I consider myself Pittsburgian, since I was a military kid.

  86. Guano Dubango Says:

    I am back and am wondering where the women are?

  87. Pig Says:

    So jealous of the deal lawyers: used to visit Houston and Dallas on business: I had clients there that for some reason wanted a lawyer in LA; when they “did a deal,” (oil and gas deals), clients and the Johnson and Swanson lawyers (or whoever they were), invariably piled into a limo and ate at places with red leather chairs or booths, and really good food; if I was there, I went. Endless bottles of booze.

    And it made sense…Deal lawyers always brought happy news–more money, a sale whatever. They all celebrated and got plaques, bottles of booze etc. Litigation lawyers like me rated dinner, but not the festive excesses of the deal guys. No plaques either. Certainly no engraved bottles of scotch. We’re like an ER doctor: patients thank you, pay the bill but want to get out of the hospital/courtroom and on with their lives.

    Guano: don’t you dare bring that “Ellen” back here.

  88. Guano Dubango Says:

    I do not know Ellen. Is she fertile?

  89. JP Says:

    ” Litigation lawyers like me rated dinner, but not the festive excesses of the deal guys. No plaques either. Certainly no engraved bottles of scotch. We’re like an ER doctor: patients thank you, pay the bill but want to get out of the hospital/courtroom and on with their lives.”

    Law involves festive excesses?

    Not just billable hours and more work than you are actually able to do?

    Ellen is probably fertile. We’re just not sure whether he’s gotten anyone pregnant yet.

  90. Pig Says:

    Festive excesses like paying $250,000 to Salomon Bros for a simple interview to see if a client could get a loan and when they got the loan (elsewhere), throwing a big bash in NY.

    deal guys are always the first ones to go down in a bad economy, though, so I am not upset.

    But an engraved bottle of 30 year MacCallum would be nice…but with high pay, high hours and ease of associate movement, the non-pay perks fell out of the profession from the litigation end.

    NAL seems to have the best of it: the house, supportive neighborhood wives, friends with good scotch…

  91. Not A Lawyer Says:

    My pool guy found out about my divorce and offered to set me up with one of his friends. That didn’t take long!

    I told him to ask me again in 3 months.

  92. Guano Dubango Says:

    Not a Lawyer, are you still fertile?

    I like swimming pools (it beats the watering holes in Ghana which we share with water buffalo), and I could come over there and practice my strokes in the pool if you need pool servicing.

  93. JP Says:

    So, NAL, have you done a full self-debriefing as to how you can avoid a Tony II situation in the future?

    Granted, that’s kind of like going to law school and becoming a lawyer only to get thrown onto the associate scrapheap at age 40. However, in that case, if you do leave the practice, you are unlikely to re-enter it unless you are starving or homeless.

    If you could go back in time and talk to your past NAL self, what would you tell you.

    I’m also curious as to what Pig would tell his younger Piglet self, both about marital bliss and law school.

  94. Pig Says:

    They’re going to be lining up to get a chance at you NAL. For looks/personality etc as before, but now you have to sift thru the ones that are not so good with kids, that want part of the house because they can’t buy one or lost theirs….the ones that drink too much,….But you alluded to it already: the kids are a silent partner in all your future dates. have fun!

    JP: if I were back when I started, I’d do it all over again!
    Now…not law school that’s for sure. Maybe a business that makes things we export. I am a bit concerned about what happens if interest rates go up, or if the US cools the fed’s money printing. A lot of the economy is built on big deficits, and that can’t go on forever.

    The biggest killer of marital bliss seems to me to be built in: one spouse marrying someone they are not in love with, and trying to “make it work.”

    If the woman, she “knows” she “settled” and is constantly triangulating her life inside a marriage with what she see’s outside. If the man, he lacks appreciation for the wife he has, and never really treats her like he’s in love. You see them at parties: one of them groans when the other tells a joke or ridicules something about their spouse. They don’t sit next to each other.

    The one that “settled” simmers at things that used to be cute but are now seen as infantile. They bicker. The contented one hopes things will turn out for the best. Meanwhile, the settling spouse is mentally so outside the marriage there is no recovery. Affairs start, the marriage implodes, etc.

    I think we both we both the settling spouse to some degree, which made it worse. And I got to be so resentful of her endless fault finding, I could not make a move to try to stop the end. I should have worked at it a lot harder, but I was so ticked that I would have to.

    What did Ben Franklin say? “keep your eyes wide open before marriage and half closed afterwards.” I violated both rules.

  95. Not A Lawyer Says:

    JP – it’s a work in process. Though I really only had 2 serious boyfriends (Tony being the second), I do recongnize a pattern of both relationships that made me miserable. I seem to be the one that’s more accepting, that loves the other one more, that “puts up” with more of their crap. They go from loving me, to relying on me, to hating me for it. In the end they’re competitve with me, and miserable, because I have to draw the line somewhere when it comes to making sacrifices for their precious egos. 2 relationships. 2 completely different guys. Same pattern.

    College boyfriend was an over-achiving self-destructive, self-loather who actually broke up with me at least a dozen times because “he didn’t deserve me.” Each time it was me convincing him that I loved him and that he was worthy. (Looking back – he totally wasn’t.) In the end, he ended up going after a job for which I had just secured an interview. We both interviewed and I was hired. He didn’t speak to me for days, so that was that.

    In hindsight, I remember the sinking feeling I felt as a 25 year old looking at my boyfriend who was holding a pregnancy test, smiling and saying “I guess we have to get married.” Our relationship wasn’t great at the time, and I thought, “Oh no no no.” But he was so happy and excited about the baby, I thought everything would change. Babies do change everything, don’t they? When baby #2 was less than a year old, the old insecurities and problems returned. He was encouraging of me going to grad school, but also hated me for it. (One of his biggest arguments for taking custody of the children was 1 night per week I spent away in class). He always pushed me to make more money, but then he hated me for it.

    2 relationships. 2 completely different guys. Same pattern.

    Yeah, I’ve been reflecting on this quite a bit. I’m not a girl that’s attracted to assholes, but I tend to end up with really nice guys that turn into assholes once they have me. It’s like I turn them into assholes. They use their asshol-ness to manipulate me, or make me feel guilty, and then when I’ve finally had enough, they become even bigger assholes. But, because I had let them go on being assholes and loved them through it, I trained them to be assholes. I affirmed for them that this behavior was acceptable, and it always got them what they wanted, my submission.

    I don’t want to date the pool guy’s friend, or anyone for that matter, but the ego boost was much appreciated. He’s probably an asshole too.

    PIG – what does the US export these days?

    And who settled here? Me? Or him?

  96. JP Says:

    NAL: You would love the discussions that my wife and I have.

    Me: I want a Harvard MBA!

    Wife: That’s not going to help you at all! You aren’t into business. You should go to medical school if you want to do something else.

    Me: I want an M.D. from Harvard!

    Wife: How about something closer to home? Say a school in the same state that doesn’t cost $70,000 per year.

    Part of the issue here is that the fact that I went into debt to the tune of $120K for a law degree that I didn’t really want is burned clearly into her memory. Particularly when we got married and it dawned on her precisely what I had done with respect to debt.

    We payed off that debt quickly.

    At this point, she’s trying to figure out whether she wants to go back to school or get a part time job. She wants to keep the kids out of trouble when they aren’t in school.

  97. JP Says:

    “College boyfriend was an over-achiving self-destructive, self-loather who actually broke up with me at least a dozen times because “he didn’t deserve me.”

    I’m trying to figure out a situation in which I would tell them that they “didn’t deserve me”. I’m pretty much drawing a blank here.

    That seems to be indicative of some interesting psychological issues.

  98. Not A Lawyer Says:

    I know how to pick ‘em! Low self-esteem must be incredibly sexy to me.

    On another note, I wish I used spell check.

  99. Pig Says:

    Coal; lots of coal; food; refined petroleum; natural gas.

    Everybody settles to some degree: but you–pragmatic romantic that you are–seemed OK with it. You were building a family and a future, and might not have reassessed matters for years. Maybe when the kids were older you might have-I see a lot of kid-centric women do that-the man becomes dispensable and almost a nuisance with the kids gone: he is almost an intruder in her life since she really only wanted to have kids and that “phase” is past and so is he.

    But if Tony had played his cards right he might have made it work. If he was involved with the kids and enough of your life so that when they left he was already too much of your life to be shed, he might have weathered it. And he should have tried, because he’ll never get anything that good again.

    But Tony? Its like he doesn’t get what a good thing he had. His “head over heels” speedometer never passed 45 mph because he is so full of himself. Having been extraordinarily fortunate, he assumed it was a natural state of affairs. He was almost like a tourist in his own marriage.

    If he had an affair, he was only attractive standing on your work, the house you paid for and the relaxed life you gave him. He may find someone else after this, but I predict a colder, less easy life for him.

  100. JP Says:

    “If he had an affair, he was only attractive standing on your work, the house you paid for and the relaxed life you gave him. He may find someone else after this, but I predict a colder, less easy life for him.”

    I think Tony’s going to try to find Not A Lawyer II.

    Unless he does what a guy I knew from college did and finds Stripper I, followed by Stripper II, etc. He did, in fact, date strippers.

  101. Pig Says:

    yes, but he’s going to be “dating down” from now on. He isn’t young anymore and I bet he’ll be a bit short of cash, not to mention a house.

    He dates strippers? If there really is a stripper without a nose or needle habit, tattooed male friends bigger and meaner than you are, an STD to your ESQ and who really will drink and have endless sex with you all the time, and can carry on a conversation and not embarrass you outside the walls of your house, and can wear clothes that look good not trashy, ….well sign me up. But I don’t think they really exist: and after kids/mortgage/ etc., anyone with a habit, biker friends, or an inclination to drink all night is out of the question…..imagine introducing her to the kid’s teacher…there go play dates at JP’s house….Damn! My kids ruined my chance with a stripper!

  102. Not A Lawyer Says:

    If Tony had played his cards even half-assed right he could have made it work. That is what is so frustrating – I actually love that jerk. That, and with the settlement he plans to walk away with (half of his debt + half of the equity in our house + half of my asset growth over the last 7 years – Half of his assets = NAL writing Tony a big check), he’d rather have a downpayment on a new house and a new girlfriend than me. That’s very clear.

    I see him doing a lot of flirting with other moms/aunts at the kids sporting events or school activities, but I don’t think he’s really interested. I’d love to think that he’s going to date down, and always look back on this with regret, but he seems pretty happy with himself living the bachelor life and popping Extenze. IF they’re smart enough to figure out that it is all a house of cards, that Tony can’t manage money to save his life, that everything he has came from me or my parents, they’ll run for the hills and he’ll be stuck with the not-so-smart or very-desperate ones.

    I was bending my poor dad’s ear about my drama Sunday night over dinner when he said, “I’ve been talking you through this for 6 months now. You’ve gone from, ‘I don’t understand what’s happening here.’ to ‘I can’t make him love me.’ to ‘That bastartd!’ to ‘Alright.’ Every now and then NAL’s dad is wise one!

    Pig, you’re right about the myth of the intelligent stripper with a heart of gold. Those girls figure out pretty fast how seedy the job really is and quit by their first shift. But I’ll bet you can find one at Hooters? That’s usually their next stop.

  103. Pig Says:

    NAL, I am modestly looking for what I assume is a widely available blonde or brunette, 5’7″-5’9″ Oxford educated, knockout town & country looking hedge-fund divorcee (or now face book divorcee), who is not a snob, needs a pre nup from me, but has an inexplicable attraction to the “first lawyer in his family” type (me), after tiring of all her stuffy family and drippy, Brioni/Prada wearing polo playing boyfriends. How hard can this be?

    You feel stunned Tony didn’t appreciate you? “How can he ever expect to do better than me?” I don’t blame you.

    But shocked is precisely how the guy who falls in love with one of JP’s strippers feels (OK his friend’s strippers). He is shocked to discover that the “fun” woman that DIDN’T want an education, a stable life with a house and money—doesn’t care that much for his education, stability or money. But only a carefree lifestyle that made her so attractive to him in the first place. She’s the same feckless person she was when he asked her to move in. She’s not grateful. She never wanted it in the first place. Its not you: it IS them.

    Most businesses would fire a Tony (but not you) after 3 years if not for a union rules protecting sluggards who settle back and do the minimum.

    The guy that never watches his kids in a pool, and cheerfully overspends as long as someone else is around to cover it. He’s not evil, and must have a lot of charm,, or you never would have gone for the guy in the first place. But he can’t be part of your life, because he does not value what you do. You on the other hand, would always be adding to a product, volunteering to do things etc.

    A lot of women like this Tony type of guy. And like every guy that worked hard, I really don’t get it. I mean I get it, like guys fantasize about the attractive, obliging, uncomplaining, smart stripper with the heart of gold, who relates well to kids and impresses the PTA.

    But I don’t get why men and women over age 27 like being treated as fungible. But guys too, pass over smart motivated women for bimbos and later wonder (in divorce court), “why she appreciate what I was providing?” Answer, she didn’t care.

    As he ages he’s not going to be so charming. If he finds someone who wants to let him drain her too, consider yourself lucky. You got out at 34 with lots of good years left.

    If this split happened later, the damage would be worse. At least you have time to recapitalize. Imagine getting wiped out like that at age 45 or 50? Count your lucky stars!

    There are guys out there that will make your head spin, your chest tighten, the room fill with sunshine in December and make you do silly things and laugh about nothing. You’ll wonder what you were thinking when with the T. And fortunately, you have plenty of time.

  104. JP Says:

    I remember when my father was in my house crying because he was getting a divorce. He had been dating a woman, had a stroke, and then married the woman. Apparently, she thought that he would magically recover and get his nice cushy school administration job back.

    This was after he had banned me from staying at their house, refused to cosign my student loans, and decided to pour all of our family’s money (including my mother’s inheritance – who had passed away several years prior) into a large house where he and his woman would live happily ever after.

    I wasn’t quite sure how to react to his divorce. I was surprised that he had managed to remain married for the previous four years. I’m not sure what I said, but it was probably something along the lines of “duh, we knew this would happen!”

    Fortunately, he’s recovered (emotionally) and is now happily dating again. Specifically, he’s dating the woman next door to him.

    So, he kind of used the “pool boy” approach to love.

  105. Pig Says:

    One reason i was so stunned at my own divorce, despite signs of no return that seem obvious now, was that my parents did not. they hung in there till my dad died of a heart attack. 5 kids including me. I suppose they never had time to even consider divorce.

    But JP it sounds like your dad had more re sources than a pool boy: he sounds like the divorced dad who says “its time for me to live,” and tries to recapture what he sees as lost time, especially before he passes away. My ex’s dad did that: wife died, he married way younger, had a kid, ignored his own kids, blew all the money on wife#2, and in 2 years was in divorce and lost almost everything. Don’t blame your dad too much: they can’t seem to help it. It was like he found a faux happiness for a while –like a drug-and couldn’t let go.

    What did you do when you were unceremoniously ejected from your own house? That’s got to be unsettling to say the least.

  106. JP Says:

    I was in law school, so I just stayed with my dad’s sister (my aunt).

    The real problem was that he got married *after* he had the his stroke.

  107. Not a Lawyer Says:

    JP – sounds like she was just looking for an excuse to bail. Stroke or no stroke, when the fairly tale was over, she was going to bounce. Perhaps the pool boy approach is better than the last one (whatever that may be)? That Pig is a wise one. Was he right about your dad?

    My dad recently started dating again after my mom’s passing, but none of us were really surprised since he was kind of dating before she died anyway.

    Same sentiment Pig! I recall very clearly telling my mom to just leave my dad when she complained of the cheating and general pig-headedness in their marriage. “Just kick his ass out!” I’d say. It was absolutely unfathomable to her. And it wasn’t a money thing, my mom was a successful woman in her own right, and was not financially dependnet say for a decent living.

    Though in my defense, I never said “divorce.” I simply told her to change the locks the next time he went to visit his girlfriend. That’s all. After she died, dad suddenly realized too little too late what an asshole he was. Having been a victim of wife #2 himself, he’s seen the fallout. Maybe he’ll do it differently?

    One can hope that lucky #3 can turn it all around, right JP?

  108. Been Says:

    Been there done that, not a lawyer and believe
    Me it don’t smell pretty there.

  109. JP Says:

    NAL: No, I think that she viewed the marriage as a strategic partnership where she could use his prestige to vault herself into the upper echelons of local school administration.

    She thought that he would magically recover and return to work as an administrator. Never happened.

  110. Pig Says:

    So Dewey LeBeouf finally filed for BK. 193 in AR, over 240m in debt and some wealthy partners to make up the difference! Its going to be summer long entertainment, especially after the Game of Thrones finale.

    How many other firms have to “get it,”–law firms are not corporations, lawyers don’t like being run by a self styled “CEO,” and borrowing money to pay salaries is a time bomb? What idiots they were! A perfectly good law firm ruined by the greed of the managing partners.

    NAL, do you think that being a military kid made you more or less grounded? I’m thinking more but I am curious: does it make you value stability more or consider it to be dispensable?

    JP: I left home at 18 never to return, but I it was my choice. I am curious about your deal:

    ” . . .he had banned me from staying at their house, refused to cosign my student loans, and decided to pour all of our family’s money (including my mother’s inheritance – who had passed away several years prior) into a large house where he and his woman would live happily ever after.”

    Do you feel a burning resentment to your Dad for that? How could you not? Do you talk to your dad about this? It sounds like one of those life experiences-like an ice shaft through the chest–that takes a long time to thaw, if ever. I don’t mean to be unduly nosy, but if I am, rattle the pig pen cage and tell me to shut up.

  111. JP Says:

    Well, my father was the son of an alcoholic who died young (and who shot at inlaws when they tried to get into his beer) and a farm mother who killed puppies through drowning at one point in her life, so I’m willing to give him some leeway on “dealing with normal suburban life experiences”.

    I’m not very bitter, since I was generally the self-financing type. I wasn’t a “get money from the family” kind of kid. If I had been someone like that, I would have been bitter.

    I paid off my loans quickly, so they’re not hanging over my head.

    I think the entire law firm bankruptcy is funny. I’m trying to figure out why what should be a partnership uses debt to pay salaries. It’s pretty bizarre.

  112. Not A Lawyer Says:

    Pig – maybe I don’t qualify since my dad retired from the Airforce when I was 5, but we’ve always lived in places where we had no exteneded family (AZ. NV, TX) and no roots. To that end, I think my older brothers and I are a pretty close-knit group. As far as being grounded, I attribute that to my family’s weirdness. I come from a family of D&D playing, techie-nerds. Even my mom was in on it. I was like the the normal girl on the Munsters. To top it off, my oldest brother is autistic, something no one understod or had even heard of 25 years ago, adding to our weirdness. That’s what makes me grounded.

    You know, the whole “widower blows off his kids and spends his wife’s estate on the new girlfriend” is way common. It happened to my dad. And when his father passed away, the step-mom and her kids acted like they’d just won the lottery. Though there were education “nest eggs” set up for all grandkids, the money just disappeared. I never even knew there had money set aside for me until it was already gone, so I just shrugged and said, “Well, it was never mine in the first place.” They’d never had access to that kind of money before and went nuts. Later, for a bit, I was a little P.O’d that I had to wait tables to pay tuition while “step-cousin” dropped out of high school, got new boobs (along with her mom – ew), and BMW with a bumper sticker that read, “My other ride is your boyfriend.”

    Even though I’m complaining about it, I wouldn’t trade my experience for anything. Busting one’s ass to accomplish a goal is character building – it helped shape who I am as a professional, and maybe that’s what Gradnpa had in mind for me anyway.The step-family had never had that much money before, and never will again, but I will.

    JP – has your dad ever told you he’s proud of what you’ve accomplished? Because I’ll bet he is. (I interpreted Tony saying, “You’re think you’re such a hot shot VP. You’re just going to lose your job anyway.” to mean “I’m really proud of you for outperforming and outearning me.”)

    Pig – So Dewey asked about 90 employees to remain on during the liquidation after losing 200 or so to other firms. My last firm asked the same thing, “NAL, just wait 2 more months so we can fire you.” I said “Thanks but no thanks!” I didn’t want to get stuck in that crowd making a mad rush for any banking job they could get. No way. Is it the same for lawyers?

  113. Guano Dubango Says:

    Something tells me that unless NAL and Pig and JP are the same person, they should all get a hotel room and NAL should be the center of attention in the sack.

  114. Pig Says:

    We can’t do that Guano. JP and I admire her a lot, but she’s changed the locks, JP is monitoring his friend’s, friend’s wife, and we’re busy trying to figure out the long-term effect of the behavior by JP’s dad.

    NAL: yes: anyone offering to work for the undertakers when everyone else is out the door is either a year from retirement or a dolt.

    Those poor people at Dewey: the Managing Partner made himself emperor; the smaller partners with more sense than business, kept silent; the middle ones let him do it, lulled by promises of more money. Those that are not unemployed will be enmeshed in the bankruptcy proceedings for years.

    Most partners will try to avoid personal bankruptcy: so they will have to pay a lot to pay off that massive debt (figure 2,000 living partners and at least 100m in debt over assets), or they’ll be “excused” from paying their share–and then be hit for taxes on phantom income (forgiven debt is income).

    I hate “bad kings.”

  115. Guano Dubango Says:

    I do not have any contact with the lawyers at Dewey, but assume that the partners will be able to deal with the financial end of it. As to the associates, that is another story. I am sure there will be plenty of good associates looking for work, even on the West coast where some of you are located. NAL, take heed, as there may be some overqualified pool boys coming your way if neither Pig nor JP are willing to provide you with solace.

  116. Pig Says:

    I would not be too optimistic about the partners: phantom income is a tough nut to crack. The Trustee tells you that as a partner with a 1% share, you owe a million, but they’ll let you go for 300,000? Then a few years later, when the DL estate closes, the dreaded three letter agency lets you know that you owe another 350,000 as taxes on the “income” you got when you didn’t have to pay the other 600,000?

    And their debt seems higher than 100m.

    Not worrying too much about most of the associates. The ones that worked hard and impressed partners will be hired.

    Those with a tough road are the brand new ones that just bought a place, or a car, and are now re-entering a market that has moved on. They should consider suing for negligent misrepresentation –the firm’s offer was a fraud- so as to get at the firm’s insurance–one thing the creditors probably can’t claim as a secured asset.

    The senior ones-6th or 7th year–high cost, not tied to a partner, and no business. Another bunch with a tough road. Imagine all those worked weekends, forfeited vacations, late nights, –all that sweat equity time invested–all blown to bits by the greed of the managing Emperor.

    All the ones that whined about work, complained about the firm, left early, didn’t work weekends–well now you have all the freedom from those oppressive partners you wanted. No sympathy for them.

    Guano, you might have dating opportunities there: maybe you could stand near DL’s old office with a sign “Have Money: Will Date Dewey Associates.”

  117. Guano Dubango Says:

    I only wish to date someone who is fertile and will bear issue and rear them with me and my Aunt Ooona back home. The women I surmise may not be fertile or willing to bear issue, though the younger ones (i.e. first year and 2nd year) may still be worth a look. So far, I have come up empty looking for a law beauty–what you Americans call an Oxymoron. If they are in law, they by definition cannot be beauties. There was one I met in school that did qualify, but she would not talk to me at all.

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  119. Not a Lawyer Says:

    Wow – you almost sounded normal for a second there Guano…..aaaaand then he’s back to finding someone to bear issue. I don’t agree that there are no law beauties. One of my sorority sisters just graduated from SMU Law – she’s lovely. Her fellow graduates looked pretty (granted I’ve only seen the facebook pictures). Maybe I just have low standards, but it doesn’t appear she hangs out with anyone I’d call unattractive. Or if she does, she doesn’t pose with them for facebook photos.

    Seedy threesomes with married strangers from the internet are not my thing. And I still hate men.

    Pig – how does dating work for you these days? I’ve been talking to some other single moms, and their stories of internet dating absolutely terrify me. Or make me want to vomit. Obviously I’m not ready, but I’d like to hear the dad’s side of the story.

    Tony went on a cruise last week with his newly un-engaged bachelor friend and a gaggle of 20-something cocktail servers, so I’m pretty sure he’s keeping himself and his bed occupied.

  120. JP Says:

    “One of my sorority sisters just graduated from SMU Law – she’s lovely. Her fellow graduates looked pretty (granted I’ve only seen the facebook pictures). Maybe I just have low standards, but it doesn’t appear she hangs out with anyone I’d call unattractive. Or if she does, she doesn’t pose with them for facebook photos.”

    The rule in law is the worse the law school, the more attractive the women.

    I’m basing this off of my experience at Duke, a school at which this was true. In Texas, this would be UT.

    One of my ex-girlfriends (the one who I took to my mother’s funeral – I was so not thinking straight at that time) practices in BigLaw after going to Washington & Lee. My wife looked her up and, again, pointed out how she was much more attractive than my ex-girlfriends (which is absolutely true).

    SMU costs about $190K according to their website. Ouch. You should find out how much debt your sorority sister and her compatriots have.

    My probably useless advice is to date someone who you already know. Like my dad dating his next door neighbor. I like her better than his ex-wife and his ex-girlfriend who was also friends with his ex-wife.

    I don’t recommend dating Tony’s friends.

    I would have recommended that my father not date his ex-wife’s former friends, but he never asked me. She took him to parties with cross-dressing gay men. I’m shocked, shocked, that that particular relationship fell apart.

  121. Pig Says:

    Guano, you really believe that?. Lots of women I worked with were “law firm” hot, which is hot enough. Any hotter and “what’s she doing with him” is what you’d hear 24/7 till she left you.

    But there are hot women lawyers, doctors and bankers, who are all the more hot because they’re smart. The single ones are in demand, and you have to act fast. Smart, hot women with earning potential are not exactly wandering about looking for dates. So some men find them intimidating? That’s more for you! Look for them where you’d expect to see them: upscale gyms, bars, markets and getting out of a newer looking car. Go up to one at a bar, pull out a bar stool and sit next to her and ask “is this seat taken?” Do anything: just don’t wait. And don’t talk about “issue” till she brings it up.

    The professional smart woman is also usually more grounded than better looking non-professionals. And I can say from personal experience, spousal support to a woman with income capacity is much less painful than to a former waitress (even if she did claim she was emotionally unable to work).

    NAL: dating is def harder after school. same impression of on line dating: its like buying a gold mine in the old west: little is as represented, photos are 10 years old, and its a huge time waster. Lots of absolute losers and sleazy people. Meeting someone in a market, or walking her dog, etc., deals right away with the “looks” thing which both sides want to be sure works for them. And they can see I am not an axe murderer. Its hard to be as direct as you want to be but there is no time to waste, so I have to push a bit. Women make the approach sometimes (indirectly to be sure), which all men find flattering. “Its just lunch” is a group that sets up lunches between people they “match” which is not the awkward dinner, and lets both sides do due diligence on looks/ attitudes in a compressed time.

    Repeat contacts are the best: schools, big law firms, a nearby business that keeps a regular happy hour, are good for that.

    My problems have been my kids, which limit who I can date and make it harder to invite people over as I might do if I was single (e.g, no strippers, weirdos, bipolar people, or women without kids who don’t “get” kids, and think their cat is just like a kid). And my standards, which are higher than I deserve because of a few lucky breaks over the years. They were way hot and smart. It kind of convinced me that there are people that you just “click” with right away and you’re better off finding them than settling.

    JP: they took him to what parties? Wow that’s mean, but he should have never expected them to be neutral.

  122. Not A Lawyer Says:

    Pig – I think I’ll date the pool guy’s guy then. I worked from home today and got another look at the 19 year old kid he sends over clean the pool. He’ll do I suppose. My brother’s wife has offered to pimp me out to her patients (she’s an NP in one of those “Doc in the Box” places in a drugstore with a lot of office buildings and professional clientele).

    Seriously – the idea of it still sort of makes me want to puke, so I’ll stick with just hanging out with my girlfriends for now. I feel like the bar is set much higher now that I’m older, wiser, and a mother. The chances of someone meeting my criteria are slim – and it’s sort of a relief. I don’t have to deal with it! THAT’s why the women around here throw each other “pajama parties” as divorce gifts.

    But then I have these awful visions of me in 10 years. My kids will be 15 and 16 and tool cool for me. And I’ll end up at Sambuca (referred to by the locals as “The Cougar Den”) where the over 40 crowd go to hook up. Waiters and bartenders I’ve known over the years go there after their shifts for the free drinks and easy sex with the older ladies. I have a vision of being one of those chicks, throwing myself at a 25 year old, and…..shudder.

    JP – is this the ex-wife and the ex-girlfriend that were friends? Sounds scandalous!

  123. Guano Dubango Says:

    Thank you for this advice. Somehow in the back of my mind, I knew as much, but do not have the same opportunities as US natives who have grown up in this country and have greater cultural similarities to the women than I do. I will attempt to meet such women after work, as my office environment is not conducive to socialization.

  124. Not A Lawyer Says:

    Walking out of my building into a drizzly rain:

    Random Guy: “Be careful, you’re gonna get wet!”
    Me: “Ah I won’t melt.”
    Him: “Sugar melts in water, baby.”
    Me: “I won’t melt.”
    Him: “Oh, I see.”

  125. Pig Says:

    Did you smile when you said that?

    He knows, that he has zero chance of seeing you again, unless he makes some immediate overture. Guys have to ask: Of course if it was Guano, maybe less than zero (did he ask about “bearing his issue”?). Now he’s at home kicking himself over the “line”–( “what was I thinking?” If only I’d said something else.”)

    You seem to be a bit more upset by this divorce thing than I thought: I should have seen it when you said T would never find anyone who would love him as much as you. Agree: take a few months off.

    But enjoy being hot and hit on. Most guys are just trying to meet: I am told the state of affairs starts to erode one day, leaving lines like those only as memories.

  126. Ellen Says:

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  127. Not a Lawyer Says:

    Pig – eh, I have my moments. I can see the bright side of the split, but I’m not about to celebrate it either. I did smile – not exactly as unfriendly as the response I gave a man last week who approached me at a restaurant and instructed me to “take down his number.” I’m not proud of being bitchy, but that was the wrong thing to say to me at that moment. AND, isn’t it clear to men that if I’m at a table with 7 women, I’m probably not looking for male company at that moment?

    It’s all coming back to me now – these are the only type of men that approach me. The douchey ones with sky-high self-confidence but that I would never date in a million years. The nices ones don’t approach me.

    Ellen – this is now our own public chat room. By the way, I have a guy for you! His name is Tony.

  128. JP Says:

    In other law-related news, one of the new young attorneys in my area just died after getting tossed out of his jeep apparently because he wasn’t wearing a seatbelt.

    He was so happy that he had finally gotten a legal job. It had taken him about 18 months, if I recall correctly. He was one of my wife’s co-worker s at his part-time non-law job.

    On another note, I don’t suppose that anyone knows how to avoid being woken up because you are so angry that you punched a desk beside your bed.

    I worked with an attorney who once punched a hole in his wall, but he was actually awake and angry when he punched it.

    I was *asleep* and *angry* and *dreaming* when I decided to punch someone in my dream and ended up punching a desk. Fortunately I was not facing my wife or my life would be very unpleasant right now. I’m not quite sure how I would explain that one.

    My temporary solution is to take less cases and only think happy thoughts during the day. This will be somewhat difficult as I am a litigator and my job is to call insurance companies names and sue them.

  129. Not a Lawyer Says:

    In addition to a lighter case load, perhaps you should drink more? I can’t imagine one has the energy or coordination to punch a desk when they fall asleep with a buzz….of course getting out of bed the next day could be a challenge as well.

    I’ve heard some crazy stories about things people do while on Ambien (online shopping, eating, etc.) but I don’t know about random violaence against innocent furniture.

  130. Pig Says:

    JP: He was tossed out of a jeep because he wasn’t wearing a seat belt? Why didn’t they just ask him to buckle up?

    Sorry about your friend: we all lose friends in senseless accidents like that.

    When you’re not playing Oddjob on your furniture, and NAL when you’re not living the sybaritic lifestyle of the newly divorced (at least that is what I was told it was going to be when I got divorced), check out the story on Above the Law. two California lawyers (husband and wife) that tried to (allegedly) frame a volunteer at their kid’s school. They had sued her, and when that didn’t work, decided to plant drugs in her car and anonymously call the cops to report her!

    The cops found the drugs, questioned the volunteer, but ultimately decided to trace the anonymous call to a hotel payphone– which helpfully had a CCTV with great film of Husband lawyer making the “anonymous” call. Both Husband (securities litigator at a pretty good southern California firm) and Wife lawyer texted to each other during the (alleged) deed. They were arrested and will be arraigned in July. Amazing news story: and a waste of good drugs to be sure.

    So Sandusky didn’t take the stand? What a surprise. Is his lawyer (the one that let him go on TV) the worst lawyer ever?

  131. JP Says:

    I think I’ve figured out the sleep thingy thanks to the Internet.

    Apparently, it’s some sort of REM sleep disorder that puts me at higher risk for Parkinson’s disease. However, I can reduce that risk if I drink lots of coffee and smoke cigarettes. I already drink a couple of pots of coffee a day. I suppose I could start smoking cigars. It’s stress triggered and there’s some psych med klonzapam or something that helps if you take it before going to bed.

    The entire Sandusky case is just horrible.

    Drinking has never benefited me with respect to sleeping. It just makes sleeping a less pleasant experience.

  132. Pig Says:


    did you try: banning coffee after 100pm–total ban –no sipping when you’re tired–, cutting back the alcohol and working out or at least walking every day? I used to inhale coffee and diet cokes all day and drink at night and it interfered with sleep (duh). If you cut the coffee back, work out and reduce the alcohol, you should sleep like a baby and won’t wake up to punch the furniture. PS: are you taking any vitamins?

  133. Not A Lawyer Says:

    Pig is right about the excercise – I like to run at 5 in the morning and since I’ve been doing that, I’ve never slept better. I’m asleep usually about the same time as my 5 and 6 year old.

    That’s funny about the coffee and cigarettes – I think the proportion of caffeine and nioctine addicts is significantly higher in those on medication for schizophrenia as well. I’m not sure if it actually provides any benefit, but it’s better than crack, I suppose.

    Sandusky. What a jerk. And that wife! Dottie Sandusky is either extraodinarily evil or extraordinarily stupid. Either way – they’re both a waste of space.

    JP – why did the wondertwins decide to sue the teacher’s aid in the first place?

  134. Not A Lawyer Says:

    Pig – “Syabaritic” – haha! I mean I laughed after I looked up “sybaritic” on…

  135. Pig Says:

    NAL: the parents didn’t like the way the PTA President and volunteer “supervised” their son and sued her for “false imprisonment” of the son. Suit was dismissed.

    The mom is also as it turns out–a fiction writer. Her one book in on –waiting for this? On how to commit the “perfect crime”.

    So 2 lawyer parents facing suspension, disbarment, disgrace, possible foreclosure and I bet even child services will weigh in (those drugs they used). And that is aside from a possible lawsuit by the woman they tried to frame.

    Their poor son.

    JP: well sybaritic was supposed to describe the single life in Implantopolis, ….but its only for dads that dump the kids, buy another waterbed and chase peroxide blondes named “Randee” or “Candee.”

  136. Ellen Says:

    I want a guy to MARRY me, not just have sex. FOOEY on men that just want to have sex and walk away. FOOEY!

    If this Tony guy is a good catch, I will meet him. Other wize, FOOEY on him. No SEX for me without a RING! OK?

  137. Pig Says:

    I won’t walk away for the first hour afterward if you’ll promise not to talk.

  138. Ellen Says:

    Fooey on you, Pig. I think you want to see my boobies and then just have sex with me. You do NOT want to marry me and suport my lifstyle. Double FOOEY on you. our friend Tony must be the same, so I will NOT show him my boobies either. FOOEY!

  139. JP Says:

    My wife pretty much has a zero tolerance policy for alcohol. This will be made worse when the toxicology screen for her friend comes back and shows that he was drunk when he died in his one-car crash.

    I suppose that I need to cut back on the coffee and figure out a way to exercise. I always got bored to death when I went jogging. I think I’ll try weeding. We have lots of weed and they grow all the time.

  140. Ellen Says:

    JP, if your married, then how come you are so busy with the Non Lawyer lady? You shoud be focussing on your wife, not some body who is lookeing for male attention on a websight! FOOEY on you!

  141. Not A Lawyer Says:

    That’s a tall order for Ellen, Pig. Hilarious – but definitely too much to ask!

    Ellen – No, likely Tony does not want to see your boobies. He’s already seen mine, and I have no doubt mine are even more fantastic than yours, so your boobies will just be a letdown. As a matter of fact, I’ll bet that yours are flat and hairy….like those of a man.

    This isn’t exactly the website I’d think of when looking for male attention. As a matter of fact, websites in general are not where I’d look for male attention. If you were hot, you’d know this, silly. But you’re probably not. And you probably have a penis. Which makes you male. And paying attention to me. Which you hate. Interesting!

    Where’s Guano when we need him?

  142. Ellen Says:

    Not a lawyer, I AM a lawyer, so there! Fooey on you too. Plus, I have a lot of men all interested in me, but NOT for the right reasons. If all I wanted to do was have sex, I would be busy every nite. BUT I am NOT. I want a relationeship, not just male attention. Fooey on men that just want to have sex.

    On this websight, you have a couple of suposed men who are getting titelated by writing to you, but what does that make you? Why are you here? You obviousley crave any male attention you can get, and you are not getting alot on this websight. FOOEY on you too!

  143. Not a Lawyer Says:

    I like your attention too, Ellen. Male or um, un-female?. Whatever the case.

  144. Pig Says:

    What could be worse?

    Having Ellen as your lawyer, or accidentally giving her your real phone number at a bar?

    Having Ellen as opposing counsel, or being stuck with her in an elevator during a power blackout?

    Being marooned on a small remote island after a plane crash, or being marooned there with Ellen as the only other survivor?

  145. Not A Lawyer Says:

    Having Ellen as my lawyer….for sure. Hands down the worst that could happen.

    I like Ellen – he seems like a fun guy.

    JP and Pig, are you titilated by our somewhat depressing discussions on death, divorce, and current events? I should hope not.

  146. JP Says:


  147. Pig Says:

    No. Hearing about everyone’s travails (a word I only type but never use in conversation), reminds me that life is a challenge for everybody.

    I do feel sorry for “Ellen” though, picturing her as a woman if she is one, probably 69 years old, in a run down one bedroom place, peeling paint, crooked picture frame, sloshing that last cheap vodka into the same glass, writing as if she was still in her 20′s…. Guano would be so perfect for her…him sipping his Mohito in the shade of a nearby tree, she washing his camel, …

  148. Ellen Says:

    All you peeple do NOT know me. I am an attorney, admitted to the Bar, and have alot of men after me all the time. But I have SCRUPUELS, which means that I will never again have sex with (or even show my boobies to) any man who does not come up with a ring (2.5 karat minimum), and agree to suport me in the lifestyle that I need. So there, if you have anyone qualified for me, fine, otherwise, I REFUSE to date any loosers. FOOEY!

  149. Ellen Says:

    PS: I would never marry a guy named Guano. I do NOT think my parents could get past that, and I DO want to get MARRIED.

  150. JP Says:

    I deal with disabled people, so my current profession is dealing with personal chaos and disorder.

    There are truly bizarre psychological reports out there.

    I don’t get surprised when clients die on me.

  151. Pig Says:

    Guano is so smitten, and he’d change his name.

  152. JP Says:

    I never bother pretending to be someone who I’m not online.

    I’m merely vaguely pseudonymous so that I don’t embarrass my wife.

    Although not as pseudonymous as Pig.

    I used to have random chat friends over at Street Rat Crazy Saloon. We got kicked off of Sudden Debt because we argued about random things that had nothing to do with the post. It died when one of the major contributors died. There, I worked in death.

    Kind of like here, except it was owned and operated by the random posters, whereas BL1Y just ignores it.

  153. Not a Lawyer Says:

    Ellen says no sex until she gets a 2.5 carat ring…’s that working out for you, Ellen? Making any progress? No? I’m shocked.

    2.5 carats may as well be 2.5 carrots if it comes attached to an asshole. I just got rid of 3 carats (and the asshole attached) myself. Diamonds and marriage are overrated. BUT, since sex can often lead to procreation, I think it’s best that you stay celibate until you find some poor guy to marry you. The world is not in need of any little Ellens.

    In other news: I have been headhunted after only 8 months at the new mega-bank by another mega-bank. The interview process has been very casual – just a lot of meeting for coffee and chatting. I was told offers would be going out any day now…..let’s see what happens. I’m not sure it’s the right time to move and I’m not sure I’m quite ready for the title they want to give me, but it feels good. Especially since Tony was so vocal about how I’d never be able to sustain my career as a single mom.

    In other other news: The husband of a colleague of Tony’s caught wind of the split and has literally been blowing up my phone and my facebook wanting “hang out just us girls.” Except he’s not a girl. But I think he gets off on dressing up. I’ve been through phases of this with him before over the past 2 years where he sends me very detailed messages about us getting dressed up and going to get our nails done, which I just ignore. It’s like he’s molesting my blackberry. Since his wife worked with Tony and was, at one point, his boss, nothing was said in order to keep the peace (and our friendship intact). Now, anything goes. It’s a shame, because I really like and respect his wife. She’s a great friend, and I doubt that she would ever believe that her husband has been sexually harassing my phone for 2 years, but I only have room for a certain amount of BS in my life, and this ain’t worth it.

    What do you think? Not that Pig or JP would ever do anything like send unsolicited sexual text messages to a woman (married or no), but if you did, what would it take to be loud and clear (and somewhat polite) that this needs to stop now?

  154. JP Says:

    Apparently he’s interpreting your disinterest as an invitation to keep sending text messages.

    However, I have absolutely no idea how to solve this problem. I write threatening legal letters. I have no idea how to do this in an appropriate way.

    I suppose that you could tell him that you have become concerned about his current emotional state and give him a telephone number and name of a psychiatrist. Make sure that you tell him that you only want what is best for him. Make it as serious sounding as possible.

  155. Ellen Says:

    If I could offer a little advise–just tell the guy to stop and get lost. I have many times told men to stop bothereing me b/c I was not interested in just a physical relationeship. It is easy. Just try it. He is probabely interpreting your silence as some sort of signal to continue.

  156. Pig Says:

    I stopped my car about 5 years ago to make a pass at a woman on the sidewalk who was just stunning and looked nice too. I had done that a total of zero times before, so it was a “wing it” experience. When she said she was married and held up her ring finger to prove it I asked “But are you happy?” I told her I was going to a meeting to save homeless whales. She laughed and said “happy for now,” and I looked crestfallen and then peeked out at her and she laughed again, and that was it.

    I don’t aggressively text because…well because they can be so compromising. But if I was, and someone simply texted back “Stop”‘ a few times (meaning three times including the first time), that ought to do it. Never more than “Stop.” No jokes, no pleas, no explanations.

    He’ll take longer to get it, since its been longer. He probably gets off on the idea that it makes you feel awkward. (JP: is there anything “normal” in the “lets go get our nails done” approach–I’ve never heard of a guy making that pitch) .

    Great news on the job offer/interest. Being appreciated sends you home feeling so pumped!

    JP: from what you say, it seems you are helping disabled people fight their insurers: that’s really value-added work, since many need help so much and really deserve it, even the depressing and irritating ones. I see people with physical disabilities and just silently thank my own personal god (hairy thunderer, or cosmic muffin, I am not sure which) that I am not making it with one leg, or some other limit. Very noble of you, even if done largely for salary.

    Ellen, or Allyn, or Allen, in case you’re not a female impersonator, are under age 40 and not as retarded as you sound, my ex has a square cut 2.5 carat in a platinum setting. It does not keep her warm, pay the mortgage, compliment her or compensate for what I think is a bipolar personality. She’s afraid to wear it for fear it will fall out and be lost, or that she’ll be followed home and robbed. What a waste of money and worry. Anyway, guys willingly give jewelry to women they love, and if you have to ask for it, you won’t get it. Kind of like what women give to men without asking if they really are into the guy.

    Its summer! God its so nice outside! All those summer smells-fresh cut grass,…birds chirping…I am really glad I was not born in Morroco or whatever.

  157. JP Says:

    Ellen is the most boring law blog troll that I’ve ever encountered.

  158. Ellen Says:

    Pig, it is FUNNY, b/c your ex decided to keep the ring but NOT you? How do you square that with what you said about everything? FOOEY on you and JP (the same guy?) FOOEY!

  159. JP Says:

    Now I’m working on a case where a mother attempted to sell her daughter to a man at age 14. And by sell, I mean she wanted several thousand to sign the marriage papers.

    And yes, this occurred in the 1990s.

    My clients are fascinating.

  160. Ellen Says:

    This does NOT make any sense to me. How can a 14 year old get MARRIED anyway?

  161. Not a Lawyer Says:

    Ellen – women almost always keep the ring (unless it is glaringly obvious that the end of the relationship is entirrely her fault and she’s decent enough to give it back.) Reason #532 I suspect you must be man. THAT remark.

    A 14 year old can get married with their parents permission. And, as JP implied, the mother gave permission in exchange for money. Aren’t you a LAWYER?

    On the guy and his nails….I definitely think he gets some sort of sexual arousal out it, but I can’t quite figure out what role he thinks I’m going to play. Doea he want me to just pretend he’s a girl (like Ellen) and that’s it? Or some girl-on-girl action? I have no idea and no intention of finding out.

    JP – you represent the daughter in your case?

  162. Ellen Says:

    Of course I am a lawyer, but do NOT know every law everywhere, do you or anybody else know all law’s? I did NOT think so.

    FYI, I was once ENGAGED, and when I did NOT want to get MARRIED I returned the ring. My ex had a wandering EYE acording to my dad, so I said FOOEY on that!

    Why would I want a ring from a guy I did NOT get a long with? Or else, if you do NOT return it you can sell it, but KEEPEING it and weareing it is SILLY!

  163. JP Says:

    I represent the daughter. Standard issue bipolio case. Real bipolio, not the fake kind.

    With respect to the pretty boy nails issue, there were some quite hetrosexual men in my dorm who loved to periodically dress up as women. Any of them would probably be able to answer what they would get out of the “let’s do nails” experience. However, I found them quite bizarre, so I have no idea how to get them to comment randomly on this blog/chat room.

    I’m certain that there’s a psychological paper out there somewhere on that issue.

  164. Pig Says:

    Gee, Ellen, I think i fall into the 66% of first marriages ended by the wife. I am sure it was part my fault: too much time at the office and your spouse feels neglected. I was in Houston on business a lot one year. The UK the next. (I don’t remember anyone asking for a smaller house or fewer vacations though). Tom Cruise was in Iceland when he was told his #3 or 4 was over, so I am in decent company.

    Its a lesson learned hard, but at least she isn’t throwing things at me anymore and there were lots of good times. She was and is a bit bipolar: a thing I didn’t appreciate on the way in. Her whimsical moods seemed cute then. Less so after a mortgage and kids. And in California, a ring is a gift, not community property (in some European countries, all jewelry goes back into a pot to be divided–Note to Self: marry in Scotland next time). I wasn’t aware of any of this then and besides, the thought of a divorce never entered my mind. That happened to “other” people.

    Anyway, I differ from NAL: you may be a man but you may be like some weird homeless person that camps out in a Starbucks: you camp out here. You have to be over 30 and probably over 45. Never married (a ding right there), no kids (2 dings). Women w/o kids are just too weird. No kids is a reliable indicator of weirdness. But NAL may be right: I am 90% sure you used to post under the name “Alma,” on another website, and “she” used “fooey” a lot, and vanished when you appeared.

    JP, what you are doing is great: its the kids of help a lot of people need. Good for you.

    The guys who do their nails: It seems they are sexually confused: If someone mentioned it at a party, I’d say nothing and smile agreeably, and joke about what brand is best, but no kid play dates at his house.

  165. Ellen Says:

    Pig, you should go into sychoanalyses, but your wrong. I have alot of guy’s who are ALWAYS interested in dateing me. But the issue is that I have scrupuels, and I will NOT sleep with guy’s or do other stuff to them just b/c they pay for a lousy dinner. Big deal. I have a job and can buy my own food. I am sad 4 you that your wife dumped you, but that is NOT my probelem. If your bitter, I sugest you find another lady–if your a catch, they should be attracted to you. If not, well then I am sorry for you. But please do NOT bash me. At least I am talkeing to you. That is at least 1 pretty woman that is doing that. Feel better!

  166. Not a Lawyer Says:

    Pig – I think smiling agreeably and making a joke about it is what got me into this mess in the first place. He mistook my politeness for actual interest in his little fetish. Ironically enough, his wife is far more dilligent than I about mainting her manicure/pedicure…maybe that’s why he wants me to have one so bad.

    Ellen/Alma/Rick/Bob/Steve/Whatever – You’ll never get married with your nasty attitude and demands. And I’m still willing to bet I’m prettier than you. Though I sympathize for you with the whole whore-ish scenario of “He buys dinner and therefore is entitled my company.” There is a workaround for that….a secret of the smart and the pretty that I will have to share with you. Don’t put yourself in a compromising position.

    JP – Bipolio? And did the mother actually sell her or just try to?

  167. Pig Says:

    Gosh Ellen, is sex a chore for you? It sounds like all of life is a heavy chain for you. The lights must dim as you enter a room. Are you a member of some awful self-flagelating religion? Homeless people and vets with a leg missing have a more positive outlook.

    You’re not supposed to lie there in bed, waiting for it all to be over. And you’re not supposed to eat the lousy dinner: When you’re out with someone you really like, you’re supposed to nibble a bit, look him/her in the eyes and say (huskily), “lets go to bed.” The first time a woman did that to me, she swept me off my feet. See? Its not that hard either. Unless of course your bed is occupied by cats, in which case your posts make sense. Right “Alma?”

    If you aren’t into them, why are you going to dinner with them at “Le Cafe Fooey” in the first place?

    And I appreciate your concern, but not to worry. Lots of women here have responsible jobs, with a zesty outlook on life, and don’t see sex as a burden. (All of them can spell, too.)

    I’ll continue to bash you, until you go out and have a good time without your cats.

    NAL: yes i see, you’re right: i was thinking as an observer not the target. I still think “Stop” is the best response.

  168. Not a Lawyer Says:

    I’ll take your advice, Pig. Before I was worried about losing her friendship, but since she is more Tony’s friend than mine, I’m assuming he’ll take custody of her in the divorce making it all that much easier for creepo to harass me about pedicures.

    Ellen/Alma – tell us about your last date, soup-to-nuts if you will. JP, Pig and I will psychoanalyze it for you.

    Even my married friends like sex. That attitude will never even get you a date, much less a husband! Don’t you have a sister floating around cyberspace somewhere? Does she not give you advice? Or is she an old cat lady too?

  169. Pig Says:

    OMG, there is an “ellenwatch” blog devoted to ellen’s comments.

  170. Not A Lawyer Says:

    That’s awesome! Ellen, assuming there is only one, is a very busy guy!

  171. Ellen Says:

    Not a lawyer, I do NOT understand your coment. I said there were alot of guy’s interested in dateing me, but that I did not just want sex. I want a relationeship, presumabley just like you do. What is so wrong about that? I also want a family and a house in the subburbs, like any other young professional woman who wants to get MARRIED (again, just like you). I think we are alot alike, Not a Lawyer, even tho you do NOT have a law degree and I do.

  172. Not a Lawyer Says:

    No Ellen, I do not want a “relationeship”. My life is full with my career, my wonderful children, my house in the suburbs (a nice one at that, which I pay for myself b/c I’m a smart, driven woman). I’m a professional and PTA/Soccer mom. I have no desire whatsoever to get MARRIED. I don’t need a man to validate me. As a matter of fact, when the lucky bastard who was once my husband began behaving badly, he got his ass kicked to the curb with my 4-inch heel. No Ellen, we are nothing alike.

    That and you’re a 40-something male with a boob fetish and a bunch of cats, no?

  173. Ellen Says:

    Fooey! You say that but if a good man aksed you to marry him you would say yes!

  174. Not A Lawyer Says:

    Meh. No I wouldn’t. A husband can be a lot of work and my energy is better focused elsewhere.

    Now, Ellen, I must say I had no idea that you were such a celeb in the blog world! I’m even tickled that you hang out here.

  175. Pig Says:

    I second that Ellen. The ABA’s website is normally so boring I stopped reading it years ago. How much “diversity/mandatory pro bono/higher taxes are good/the slightest budget cut to courts is the end of the world” pieces can you read anyway? But that was before I knew you’d been blocked from the ABA’s website.

    Maybe you could respond to the ABA here, where they are powerless to block you?! BL1Y gets hits; you get fame; the ABA is annoyed. Your “manaeging partner” won’t be upset. You give me his email and I’ll ask him for you.

    We had to let a guy go today: its damn depressing. I never mastered the art of bloodless terminations.

  176. JP Says:

    Pig: Did you have to let a guy go because of financial reasons, because he was a poor attorney, or because he was gambling using firm computer resources?

  177. Guano Dubango Says:

    He may also have been engaged in improper sexual activities with the paralegal, no?

  178. Pig Says:

    We’ve always operated leanly, but a partner lost a client, idling this associate and some others completely. He’s personable and smart but not exactly what the English call a thruster. (I threw that in for you Ellen). He is a single dad, and has let his performance slip as a result. In good times, it wouldn’t matter.

    But in this economy, no one I know is “carrying” expensive lawyers. No one wanted to pick him up. The only issue was how long a severance he got. And we all know that behind this guy is an ex wife, a young kid and a lot of expectations. Its the kind of thing that makes me want a drink. Its catholic guilt: somehow, even though its not my fault, I should have “done something.”

    God, Guano, you are a one track mind. I rarely use paras: I’d rather look at documents instead of having the para know more about the case than I do. You can always spot a lawyer in trouble as a case moves to trial: they are only remotely familiar with the documents.

    And most firms I know apply a fairly Victorian morality. Married guys should not be carrying on an affair, esp inside the firm, and esp with a long-legged paralegal.

    Its “not right,” aside from the exposure and its bad for morale. All the guys not having affairs think they are “missing out” or alternately, being forced vouyers to it. The women associates are pissed, as the men would be if a woman partner was sleeping with a copy room guy). There is the “favoritism” issue of having a para sleeping with his or her boss. Besides, I don’t want have to see the guy’s wife at a function and have to be complicit in it somehow. (OK, call me a prude, but i’m going to feel a bit sordid).

    Am I off base here?
    Should we have kept the guy?

    Is it OK to have in-firm affairs with paralegals? With associates? Does your answer change of the wife or husband being cheated on is fat, greasy and unpleasant?

  179. Guano Dubango Says:

    We had an unattractive paralegal interested in latching on to a lawyer so she slept around. I did not think much of her and I knew my Aunt Ooona would disown me if I were to suggest she marry me and bear me issue. So I never even came close to her. She eventually left the firm after it was clear no one would marry her. I believe she married an old partner with vision problems and is now living in Bethesda.

  180. Not a Lawyer Says:

    That’s a shame for your collegaue. Perhaps it’s the wake-up call he needs to get his performance back on track. Maybe one day he’ll be saying, “getting fired was the best thing that ever happened to me….”

  181. Pig Says:

    I suppose that’s right, but I’d have felt better at the time if he had been annoying, or stealing from us. But its in the past, and yes, its his job to run his own life better.

  182. Duvie Says:

    This BLOG is not what I remember it to be.

    It reads like some kind of 1960′s encounter session, minus, of course, the LSD.

    Where is the dude who used to run this thing?

  183. Pig Says:

    Where the F have you been? Off posting on other sites I suppose?

    Why complain if you haven’t had the loyalty to even show up here?

    And BTW, if you’re old enough to remember a 60′s encounter session, don’t you have a bead curtain to hang, a checkers match to play, some Peter Paul and Mary to listen to, some holes in the side of your car that need cleaning, COPD-restless leg-dry eye to medicate, or some centrum silver to take? Does LBJ still have us in Vietnam? Is Nixon the One? can you roll a joint using only one paper?

    Anyway, the “Dude” is busy with more important things. Don’t bother him. We are but a flea on the camel of the Dude.

  184. JP Says:

    He may not know how to run his life better.

    What were his performance issues?

    I just had a friend get fired for failing to develop business even though he was making plenty of money for the firm and actually had to do a trial *after* they fired him. They wanted him to stay around to do the trial.

    It was only after they fired him that they realized that his performance at the trial might not be top notch.

    Not to worry though, he’s not one of those people who would slack off. He’s now doubled his salary, although on a contract.

  185. Pig Says:

    Yes, but he was over 30, and its unfair to expect other lawyers to set aside their own kid events, family issues, health problems, vacations, veg out time, wasted time posting on-line with anonymous people named JP, NAL and Ellen, plus work demands to act as a counselor.

    People falloff the ladder to alcohol, drugs, padded time, etc., and handling your personal life is one more speed bump. Employment law also inhibits me from getting involved: (“So Mr. Pig knew you had a disability, or at least believed you did?”).

    I’d do anything for a a loyal high performer with a one time crippling problem (divorce, kid sick, etc), but we just had one less chair at the table. He was the obvious “not bringing much to the table” choice. His work was episodically sloppy, and under researched.

    That is hilarious that they wanted your friend to try a case after being let go. Typical administrator mind-set.

    Are you getting out on a vacation this summer JP? Any reccomendations on where to go?

  186. Guano Dubango Says:

    Are there any women law beauties interested in marriage here?

  187. VictoriasSecretUnderwearModel Says:

    Mr. Guano, I am a former underwear model and an dying to get married to an established man and have babies. I have magnificent breasts and splendid legs but I am almost 28 now, and worrying that i may run out of time to have children with a responsible man. I am hit on every Friday night at bars in New York but I really do want to settle down. The men interested only in one night stands do not interest me. I did enough of that and I want to settle down now.

    I am a little worried about you though: your many remarks above suggest you regard women as mere playthings. And if I promise to submit to you and obey you, I would expect to be treated well but you say your obedient wife has to meet someone named Ooona who may be mean to me because I like to walk about in my underwear. I have a great body so why should I have to cover up all the time?

    And I am not sure how old you are: I can deal with a 10 year age difference, but if you are older than 38, I would have to think about it. Perhaps if you are still vigorous and can provide for me, it would be OK.

  188. Guano Dubango Says:

    If you are all that you state, I can arrange for a meeting, but I first need to be clear.

    I need assurance that you would not mind meeting my Aunt Ooona in Ghana, bearing me issue in Ghana, and raising my issue with my Aunt Ooona in Ghana.

    I will arrange for return visits to the USA 2x per year for 2 weeks each; but you must remain full time with our issue and Aunt Ooona at least until our issue are in school, beginning at age 6.

    Do not worry about me. Although I am age 40, no woman has voiced any complaints about my abilities in the bedroom.

  189. VictoriasSecretUnderwearModel Says:

    40 is a bit old. Maybe not now, but you’ll be 50 in 10 years and I will only be almost 38. I don’t mean to be looking at the negative, but older men are always complaining about their backs, eyesight, that they can’t drink spirits but need to stay with wine, and their skin is a bit wrinkly. No offense but I am not sure this age difference is a good idea.

    Where are you going to be when I am in Ghana? Are you going to be there the entire time as well?

    The idea of living with your aunt is a bit scary too. She may not like me. Is the house big enough so you and I would have privacy?

  190. Not a Lawyer Says:

    I’m just going to say it. This is getting WEIRD. Where is Ellen with her vulva?

    Pig – the beach! The beach is always a good idea….unless you hate the beach.

    So did you guys read about the Wall St. guy that killed himself in court after his verdict was read? What is this world coming to? Ghana is starting sound like a not-so-bad idea! Kidding Guano, calm down.

  191. JP Says:

    I went to the beach last week.

    I think there was some traffic, so it took about 15 minutes to get there.

    With kids, I had to use the free hose/outside shower section so we could put them back into the car without sand.

    I’m more interested in that futures guy who tried to kill himself but only put himself into a coma.

  192. Pig Says:

    This is as close as Guano has gotten in years, but given his age, aunt, and travel blackout periods, I am starting to understand why he is still trolling.

    I love the beach: I can sit and listen to waves forever. Beach is good.

    That guy that did a chemical hari-kari: I don’t know what he did, but I was stunned. Brazen killers appeal and assert innocence and Charles Manson is still asking for parole. But in lawyer logic, …the lawyer may not get final payment, but i suppose there is not going to be malpractice claim either, so he’s ahead.

  193. Not a Lawyer Says:

    Lucky bastard…..I live hundreds of miles from a beach…..and about 700 miles from a good beach.

  194. Pig Says:

    California does offer once advantage in exchange for a 7.25% state wide sales tax, (9% in LA), a 9% income tax, an 18cent gas tax, a pensioned class of former public employees, and an unreal legislature that wants to build a train. Great beaches! Allow me to rub it in a bit: I am walking distance. But i spend more time in the office than at the beach, so I may as well be 700 miles away most days.

  195. JP Says:

    I don’t have enough money to buy a house that would enable me to walk to the beach.

    Part of this is because I get paid precisely what I got paid 12 years ago when I started to practice law.

    That’s right.

    Exactly the same amount.

    It’s like I’ve never, ever gotten a raise.

    Actually, I take that back. I could probably buy a house that would enable me to walk to the beach. But that would require me to have a mortgage.

    I haven’t had one of those for several years now.

  196. Pig Says:

    I don’t own a house either: ex wife got it (actually got the sales proceeds after we sold it, and bought another one). Paying her about 35% kept me from saving for another one. Not sure I miss it all that much: property taxes, gardeners, alarm systems, snaking drain pipes because of tree roots….My condo is better. I meet more people this way too.

  197. Not a Lawyer Says:

    JP – 15 minutes from a beach is pretty sweet too. Because cost of living is fairly reasonable here, I can at least supplement my lack of beach with a salt water pool and pretend to be at the beach

  198. Guano Dubango Says:

    Victoria, you did not mention whether you are an attorney. My aunt insists I marry a law beauty.

  199. Guano Dubango Says:

    Where did everybody go? Is it possible you forgot to unite me to the orgy?

  200. Pig Says:

    Its summer: we’re outside, or at work trying to get outside.

    JP is laying in a hammock, probably with some babe he met and impressed with explaining how he helps the less fortunate, sipping heated Crovossier purchased with his latest Trust distribution courtesy of JP’s rich grandfather, while slowly smoking a Cohiba Siglo IV, congratulating himself on his genius (“Ha! I escaped a mortgage “I spit on your debt JP Morgan Chase!”);

    NAL is luxuriating in her salt water pool, (“It sure is quieter here without Tony. But I have to find some expendable man who won’t try to move in and ruin my solitude. Besides, I really like tossing my clothes wherever I want and walking around in the morning without clothes”); (this assumes she has not allowed Tony to move back in)

    Tony is trying to pick up women while explaining why he does not have a pool (“But at your age why don’t you have a pool?” “Uh . . . .”);

    BL1Y is probably lighting up his first joint of the day (“what was the website I started anyway?”);

    Victoria is tanning her “long legs” (“If only I could find a real man like Guano…but under 40″);

    even “Ellen” is probably off to the Hamptons with her “maneging” partner, (” . . .but NO SEX . I do not give sex till i am married. What do you mean one bedroom?”).

    What are YOU doing Guano?

  201. Not A Lawyer Says:

    Tony has moved in with his girlfriend who has a home on a golf course.

    With me – yeah, you pretty much nailed it as always, Pig.

    Okay, cofession time. Who’s read it? Ellen surely!

  202. JP Says:

    I’ve been too lazy to draw up a post-nuptual agreement to get my MIL’s trust off the deed (so that the 1/2 house goes to my wife, rather than me).

    I *could* just give her the $$$ to get her off the deed, but why bother when you can just write your own post-nup?

    It seems like a somewhat bizarre legal situation given that marriage is an odd legal entity.

    I’m wishing that I had gone into NAL’s profession at the moment. It was only when I got *out* of law school and practiced for about a year that I realized…”hey, this profession doesn’t really interest me”.

    My wife is still refusing to let me get a Harvard MBA. She’s still grumpy that she married into $120K of debt.

    That’s the reason that I’m fine with representing crazy people. I’m just not that into law. And if I’m dealing with corporations, I would much rather be the executive making the decision that the lawyer giving the legal advice.

    Today was fun. I went to a hearing and basically said “my client stopped returning my calls months ago. I haven’t decided whether I’m withdrawing or not.”

  203. Pig Says:

    I see JP does not deny the hammock, babe, heated brandy or the cigar. But aren’t there tax implications on how you resolve that deed issue? Why are you doing this deed transaction?

    Have not read 50 shades, but I’ve certainly heard about it. Should I read it?

  204. Not a Lawyer Says:

    Pig – 50 shades was quite possibly the worst book I’ve ever read. Steamy yes, but the story sucksd. However, my circle of girlfriends are obsessed, so I had to give it a shot. I also put it aside to read 3 other books – that’s how “into” it I was. I was warned by one friend that the ending to the first book was so horrible, so sad, so disturbing that I had to have the second book ready to stsrt immediately after. When I got to the end I was actually pretty pleased, and decided I don’t need to read 2 and 3. I may end up reading them out of peer pressure. We shall see.

    And EVERYONE has a pool. It’s 110 freaking degrees. We’d die without them.

    JP – Believe it or not, my boss is a lawyer. Though he’s never really practiced law. He went into banking compliance straight out of law school. And he’s from Pittsburgh. Weird.

    Happy wife = happy life. Make a lot of money first, then she won’t give you such a hard time about that MBA. The reason I went for an MBA rather than a JD is that it allowed me to go at a much slower pace. I’m sure Harvard is stricter on the minimum courseload than UT Dallas, but it’s got to be better than law school, right?

    Who was it that used to post about our elegant dinner party? What would it look like now I wonder?

  205. Guano Dubango Says:

    NAL, if you have MBA, perhaps I can present you to my aunt Ooona? Are you interested?

  206. Not a Lawyer Says:


  207. JP Says:

    50 shades just sounds like a bad version of the Story of O.

    BDSM is just something that I think needs to be avoided. Like big macs and heroin.

    I’m doing the deed transaction so I don’t have to give a big pile of money to my MIL. I prefer to use my liquidity to investospeculate.

    I could get an MBA at a local university if I felt like it, but I have too much work dealing with the poor, deluded, lost, and damned.

    I represented Davidoff in the past. I never did get any free cigars from them. That would have been nice.

  208. Pig Says:

    JP, you could probably have deducted all your Davidoffs as market research or client assessment. Like representing a strip club with a steak house based in Hawaii!

    BDSM should be OK as long as there is no smothering/choking or pain inflicting stuff. No one wandering around with whips or in weird zippered outfits (e.g., Pulp Fiction) that would make me laugh. No lost keys (I have loss of control issues). Not sure what that leaves (mink handcuffs?), but as long as the kids don’t see it and tell their pre-school teachers, how bad can it be.

    It does seem that we are a few guests short of the 10 I expected for the the dinner at a secluded Mansion (think the movie “Clue”) with 7 courses, five wines and three desserts (Aunt Oona not invited) served by attentive, tuxedoed, english accented butlers. (All old guys, and no australian guys masquerading as english) I had the butlers names all picked out too, (Marshmount,” “Watkins,” and “Bemis”), along with a fleet of old style rented Rolls. Rollses? Rolls-Royces?

    NAL I can’t believe you’re passing on the chance to live in Fez for 48 weeks, swat flies, wash camels, be bossed around by the crusty but benign Aunt, and eat desert goats. Chance of a lifetime.

  209. Not a Lawyer Says:

    No doubt Pig, no doubt. But I’d have to surrender my post as the much-despised-big-banking’s-newest-SVP. No room for men or any little “issues” other than those 2 short people that live with me. :)

  210. Guano Dubango Says:

    This NAL seems pretty cool, no? Why does she not want me?

  211. Ellen Says:

    I have a new cleint that is giveing our law firm cases to try for them and I am in charge! Yay!

    So I think I will have a PRETTY good chance of makeing partner if I do well with this cleint.

    Therefore, I will NOT need a man in my life either, unless I do NOT make partner. FOOEY!

  212. Not a Lawyer Says:

    So now that you don’t need a man, will you still have to be celibate? Will your stance change from, “Celibate by choice and unfortunately single” to “Single by choice and definitely not celibate?” That should make for some good material, Ellen. Let your vulva call the shots!

  213. JP Says:

    Having a law blog conversation degrade to the point of interacting with Ellen is a signal that the current topic of conversation has run it’s course.

    As a Penn State grad, I’m currently regretting not going to Dartmouth and not taking out the $100,000 in loans required.

    I’m actually not surprised that something this stupid happened at Penn State because no one is actually in charge of that university and it kind of operates like a giant bureaucratic blob. I despised Graham Spanier and he was always a used car salesman, so I’m not surprised that he was an actor.

    I expected more of Joe. I am completely disgusted.

  214. Pig Says:

    Yes but every NAL EllenSquelch makes me laugh. I may start a t-shit line-”FOOEY” or a night club “FOOEYS.”

    If you’d gone to PS, you’d have had to marinate in that insane football worship (a statue of a coach? Really?), and might have been showering with Sandusky.

    Wonder why the Trustees don’t just do the right thing and resign in well-earned disgrace. And Spanier–ugh. No one seems to have any sense of honor anymore. One mom and one cop seem to have been the only people who cared more about the kids than “Joe Pa’s” reputation

    Anyway, forget those non-dischargeable loans. Who wants that much debt when you’re in your 20′s? You made the right decision.

    Colleges have gone insane: kids graduating with useless degrees in “religious and interdisciplinary studies” with close to 200,000 in debt and flipping burgers.

    Colleges and their greedy professors and Trustees have impoverished an entire generation that probably can’t get a loan on a Passat. And who is going to buy the homes from the retiring baby boomers? The “in debt to my eyeballs” generation?

    If the FTC Act applied to colleges, they’d all be sued for deceptive advertising and the professors made to work to age 65 like everyone else.

    My history degree was useless for employment, but never intended to stop there, and my state university in the Pacific NW was cheaper than a new car. You were smart to skip the loans.

  215. JP Says:

    My FIL was still working, as a professor, at 68. He would continue working if they would let him work, but he’s basically to old for them now and they don’t want him. He’s actually on short-term disability right now and will formally retire at age 70, which is when his office will be closed, for good.

    Uh, I went to law school. Which cost $120,000. In my 20s. Remember, I am chatting on, which was a hangout for many people with six figure debt. Until it began to decay and we turned it into DivorceChat.

    I did go to Penn State. I wasn’t that into football, but I went to some games. The statue came after my time there.

    You need to think of Paterno as the king/pope of Pennsylvania, which was why they put up a statue of him *while he was still coaching!!!*

    I had a degree in chemical engineering, which was useless to me since I had no interest in engineering. Fortunately, I was able to translate that 3.2 GPA into Duke Law giving me a scholarship for a semester. I’m still not quite sure why I thought engineering was a good idea in the first place.

  216. Guano Dubango Says:

    I did not get BA from university in USA only LLM. It has not brought me promised benefit of law beauty to bear me issue as yet. With plenty of brood mares at home, Aunt Ooona wants for me to return.

  217. JP Says:

    You get points for the inappropriate use of “brood mares”.

  218. Not A Lawyer Says:

    Ellen never responds to me. My remarks and questions are effectively a “poke” that he ignores. I’m working on it though.

    Maybe I’m a queen bee, or just a bitch, but I have little sympathy for the over-educated and under-employed. I never had a great love or passion for accounting or information systems, but I knew that’s where the work was – or the kind of work life I wanted to have – so that’s what I studied. I got a BBA while supporting myself waiting tables. And after I had my 2nd child and my career hit a serious dead end (and Tony’s use of my credit card hit an unusual high) I had to take a step down to get on a bigger ladder. That meant an entry level job in banking compliance and back to waiting tables at night (with a 2 year old and a 6 month old at home). I got my CIA and got a better job. And then a better job. And then a better job. I can’t relate to those who don’t want to hustle and make things happen. And I know my view on this has deeply offended some of my very good friends, so it’s quite possible that I’m the freak, or just extremely lucky, or even worse feel entitled to things I really don’t deserve. But when my friends who complain constantly about their lousy dead-end jobs behind a jewelry counter yet refuse to do anything else with that degree in “home furnishings merchandising” – I just don’t know what to say other than “get off your ass and pick something else.”
    Because this type of advice gets me in trouble, I just keep quiet.

    And Penn….my oh my. Anyone who knowingly lets such abuse go on – especially when in a position superior to that of the perpetrator of the abuse – should have done something more. How horrible.

  219. JP Says:

    My hobby is finance and economics, so apparently I have a passion for international finance. I’m enjoying watching the Spanish 10-year yield shoot into the stratosphere. QE III here we come!

    One of my wife’s friends just got blown out of his Big 4 accounting jobs. Due to economic reasons, he was unable to make partner. That’s apparently a dead end job these days. Way too much work and too little pay. Makes an NYC BigLaw job look good.

    I’m mostly just bored out of my mind these days.

  220. Guano Dubango Says:

    What is wrong with my usage? Most women who are of mating age want me to sire a Dubango with them, as this will provide them with access to the Dubango royal family compound and financial comfort for life. But I want more than to simply breed. I wand a beauty with a brain. This should not be too much to require to become part of the royal Dubango family.

  221. JP Says:

    I’ll give you style points for your name.

    I just said “Guano Dubango” out loud.

    Not bad in terms of rhythm.

  222. Ellen Says:

    I enjoy sex, but on MY terms. I do NOT like a hot sweaty man grunting on top of me for 2 minutes then rolling off to sleep. That is NOT my idea of intemacy. FOOEY on men that just think of us as a semen contaner! FOOEY!

  223. Not a Lawyer Says:

    See? Ellen didn’t answer me.

    So the dry spell has ended?

  224. Not a Lawyer Says:

    What, if anything, did you tell your kids about the shooting at the theater in Aurora? My 5 year old is scared out of his mind because Tony’s dad told him all about – that knucklehead.

  225. JP Says:

    “What, if anything, did you tell your kids about the shooting at the theater in Aurora? My 5 year old is scared out of his mind because Tony’s dad told him all about – that knucklehead.”

    This is why children should never watch the news or be told about the news.

    I told them nothing. I doubt they know. Of course, they are at “cousin camp” with my BIL child psychiatrist, so I’m pretty sure he has the good sense to not discuss it.

  226. Pig Says:

    Aurora: it was a sick man a long way away from here, so far you’d have to fly for hours to get there. Anyway, the police have him. He’s very sick and is going to be locked up for a long time.

    Kids seem to get over things with an amazing rapidity: Assasinations in the 60′s, 9-11…. i bet kids were beyond them in days. As long as things are safe and stable at home I think, and the parent is steady. That’s the key. Maybe they take them out of memory years later, but I don’t think so. There was a small earthquake here last night-a sharp jolt that woke everyone up. They had forgotten it by morning.

    On the lighter side, Forbes reports that a london hotel has removed the bible from its 50 rooms and replaced it with….50 shades of grey.

    I am going to that hotel one day, dressing up as a room inspector, and writing “Great book! I did it all! Ellen” in half the rooms, and “Courtesy of Guano Dubango” in the rest.

    Guano, does your Facebook page tell potential mates that you want them to move abroad?

  227. Not a Lawyer Says:

    My intention all along was never to tell them about it. A 5 year old just shouldn’t have to try to process such things if it can be avoided. But, you’re right Pig. I just need to help him feel safe and keep the facts simple.

    Guano, I’d like to see your profile. Just curious.

    JP – you’re lucky to have a child psych in the family! Free advice! Unless of course he’s the kind of BIL that would send you a bill….

  228. Not a Lawyer Says:

    Ellen – you are the “Christian Grey” and you just need to find your “Ana.”

  229. JP Says:

    My MIL had an idea. A plan. Her children would become a doctor, a dentist, and an accountant.

    Three types of professions that she herself needed to navigate the modern world.

    She would guide their development into their appropriate roles.

    They would give her free professional services.

    I’m not sure why she didn’t pick “lawyer”.

    Anyhow, she got the doctor and the dentist. In fact, I just got a nice shipment of free fluoride treatments for my kids.

  230. Ellen Says:

    I will NOT let any man put his sweatty weenie where it does Not belong. FOOEY on men that expect women to let men park there weenies everywhere they can. FOOEY! Our mouthes and our tushes are NOT parking spaces for your weenies. FOOEY!

  231. Not a Lawyer Says:

    I read the article about the London hotel replacing the bibles with 50 Shades – hilarious! The local vicar, who expressed his opinion about removing the bibles, is named “Woodcock.” *snicker* Aaaaand I’m 13 again. *snicker*

  232. Banker Bill Says:

    At least the vicar’s wife should have nothing to complain about, that is if he is using his firm tool effectively on her!

  233. Pig Says:

    Ellen, if you show up for the luxurious dinner at the secluded Mansion, I am going to have Marshmount, Beasley, Watkins and Alfred tie you up with silk ties, throw you on a mink covered duvet, in a room lit only by candles, and then lock you in the room with Guano.

  234. Banker Bill Says:

    Guano? Are you kidding me? The word guano means bat shit! This guy must be a real schmuck!

  235. Not a Lawyer Says:

    We’re all real schmucks here, Bill. We’ve turned this comment chain on an abandoned website into our personal chatboard. Being on the schmucky side is kind of like a requirement.

    Pig, you’re a genius. I think they are the answer to each orther’s prayers – or all capped, mispelled demands in Ellen’s case. I’ll show up dateless, in my new signature “divorcee” look – which should exude an air of “Yes, I look amazing because I just shed 200 pounds of asshole, but don’t worry I’m not going to flirt with your husband – here have some wine.”

  236. JP Says:

    We probably need a back up chat board.

    You know, one that will actually continue to exist after bl1y fails to renew this domain name.

  237. Not a Lawyer Says:

    True, JP. The blind drunk annex?

    Are you guys on Twitter or is that not annonymous enough?

  238. JP Says:

    I’m only pseudoanonymous at the request of my wife so as to avoid embarrassment. I never really got into twitter.

    You mean constitutional daily?

  239. Ellen Says:

    I do NOT want to be locked up with anyone named Guano. FOOEY. How could I EXPLAEIN this to my parents? What would our children be? Baby Guano? FOOEY!

    While he could be a good person, they want me to MARRY a nice local boy, not somebody named GUANO. FOOEY on something that is the same as bat poop! DOUBLE FOOEY!

  240. Not a Lawyer Says:

    Ellen since you are going to make partner and don’t need a man, your relationship with Mr. Dubango should be purely recreational.

  241. Ellen Says:

    Men like that ALWAYS insist I do alot more things then I want to. FOOEY! And after, they just fart and leave a mess. FOOEY on that.

    I do NOT want to be subservent to any man. FOOEY!

  242. JP Says:

    So, when are you going to update your blog, Ellen?

  243. Guano Dubango Says:

    I have returned, and have determined that I no longer require a suitable law beauty to marry me and return to Ghana.

    I have told my Aunt Ooona that I will remain in the USA, and though I prefer marriage, I am willing to have repeated, albeit meaningless sex with a woman of sufficient beauty, provided that such woman will accept me for what I am.

    With this liberalization of my requirements, I stand ready and willing to entertain propositions for physical relationships with beauties, even beauties who are not lawyers.

    I think that in this way, I should be able to pick from a larger pool of female talent.

    I will still entertain marriage proposals from women who are capable of bearing me issue, but this is not a prerequisite. I will have sex with anyone who is attractive, irrespective of fertility. This opens it up to women over the age of 35.

  244. Not a Lawyer Says:

    Oh Ellen, gross. Now I know you’re a man. Without a doubt.

  245. Not a Lawyer Says:

    Now, to Chick Filet or not to Chick Filet? That is the question. What do I hate more? That holier-than-thou Cathy’s remarks about gay Americans? Or the holier-than-thou supporters who don’t understand that Mr. Cathy is not making law here – just an obnoxious man with an opinion – one I suspect he is entitled to no matter how flawed.

    Nevermind. You know what I want to avoid the most? The mile-long line of minivans with little stick figure kids on the back in line at Chick Filet honking in support of family values. Those women are beasts. Ugh.

    Is this just a Texas thing?

  246. Pig Says:

    Ellen NAL is right: I mean really. Gross. No mink duvet cover for you.

    I won’t politicize my food. I even eat in France, although they welshed on their war debts, spent WWII reporting each other to the Gestapo, and are gratuitously rude to Americans because we don’t have time to learn every dying romance language spoken in some has-been country except to the extent needed to order food.

    I eat in Santa Monica where a BUSH bumper sticker was enough to get your car keyed (not mine-I avoid bumper stickers).

    And while I never saw Brokeback Mountain and never will, I have no problem with gays getting married (why should they escape nagging spouses and ruinous divorce settlements?). But I’ll eat at a chick fil-A if I see one just to see what the fuss is about. And when the Family Values demonstrators aren’t looking, I’ll paste “Gay Pride!” stickers on some of their cars. They’ll have to spend some panicked minutes removing them before going home.

    People who have time and motivation to demonstrate against gays outside chicken restaraunts are weirder than weird. They are like the embarrassing distant cousins in the family. We have our own “heartland” contingents here too.

  247. JP Says:

    There’s a Chick-Fil-A near to my office.

    When that article came out, I was hungry and said “I think I will go to Chick-Fil-A.” Not because I really cared about the article, but because it reminded me that there was a Chick-Fil-A two minutes by car and I didn’t have anything at the office I felt like eating.

    I was going to a Japanese place in the mall (three minutes away). Last time it was not as tasty as usual so I said “why am I going there when I can go to Chick-Fil-A and get a soda with my meal for less money?” Now when I get hungry and feel really lazy and feel like getting fat, I go to Chick-Fil-A.

    It’s pretty much the only fast food place I find actually edible. That and Wendy’s. But Wendy’s is farther away and I like the Chick-Fil-A sandwich better. McDonalds makes me ill.

    And no, there were no mile-long line of Minivans honking. It’s a Texas thing.

    You know what I *don’t* like about Chick-Fil-A? Their coffee cups. I tried getting coffee there in the morning (due to it’s office proximity) and it kept spilling in my car.

    So there are good things and bad things about Chick-Fil-A that have nothing to do with them being closed on Sundays.

    The end.

  248. Not a Lawyer Says:

    The chicken is delicious….and the playground is clean and safe. Only now the chick filets in Collin County, Texas are packed with people there to support the chain’s “Great Values!” They’ve ruined it for me.

    Collin, being the most conservative county in our fine country is of course full of people like this. I just don’t uaually hang where they congregate.

  249. Banker Bill Says:

    What is this about? This Guano wants just to get laid and the rest of you?

  250. Pig Says:

    I have to find a chick fil A now.

    I know what you mean about not hanging where they do. I took my kids up north and wound up driving into the hills to explore. We came to a rodeo in the metropolis of Bootjack, pop 1800.

    First clue i was not in LA: I asked someone how much it was to park in the lot. They looked at me like I was crazy.

    Second clue: i was wearing a hat that said “Los Angeles” on it, jeans and sandals. The rodeo however, was filled with knockoffs for the Marlboro man in starched white shirts, jeans, boots and belt buckles as big as VW’s. Maybe it was formal wear for there.

    Third: when getting ready to play the national anthem, a voice on the PA asked everyone to remove their hats. I am as patriotic as the next guy, but I was looking at serious hat hair here, after the jet ski soaking and swimming that morning, it was going to look like I stuck my finger in a socket. But i was the ONLY person wearing a hat. People were staring at me. It was a choice: look like a mad professor in sandals or keep the hat? The PA guy came on again, very polite. I could feel eyes boring into me. “sandals!” That hat! But off came the hat, just in time.

    I admire the work ethic etc but I am not socially comfortable with large numbers of them. Am all for /low taxes/no debt/lock up violent criminals for life/a .45 in every home, , but cannot relate to the opposition to flouride, the desire to vacate Roe v Wade etc.

    JP if you come to Calif. go to In N’ Out Burger!

  251. Guano Dubango Says:


    Is not any attrActive female interested?
    I have removed the legal and fertility requirements for short term liaisons, retaining only the fertility requirement for nuptials. I have also removed the Ghana residency qualification. Ladies? Can anyone here recommend a suitable female? NAL?

  252. Not A Lawyer Says:

    Guano, no not interested. I still make my “I’m vomitting” face when one of my friends offers to set me up.

    Banker Bill, yes. Guano wants to get laid. So does Ellen, but Ellen is a man. Pig, JP, and I are planning a dinner party. How’s it going in your world, Banker? I’m in Risk, so I know we wouldn’t get along.

    Pig, Bill and I will have to be seated at opposite ends of the table. And yes, the outfit described is men’s formal wear in some parts. In Dallas though, we have people who dress that way, yet have never seen a ranch or ridden a horse, but they sure are dressed for it in case the opportunity arises!

  253. JP Says:

    I had to watch Pokemon this morning. It almost made my brain melt.

    When I was younger, I used to love watching all those cartoons, GI Joe, Transformers, etc. Now it just hurts. Tween Disney channel shows have the same impact. It hurts!

    These days I’m happier if the TV is off, rather than on.

    Even if the kids to try to make a bunny trap to catch the local bunny so that they can play the rabies lottery to see what happens.

  254. Pig Says:

    Now the seating chart is getting complicated. Plus we have Ellen and Guano in a locked bedroom. JP may be bringing his wife and some one else’s wife for all i can tell. But splitting you and Bill makes sense: banker Bill seems to be suffering from synaptic delay syndrome, so yes, to the other side of the table he goes, near the Brussels sprouts.

    I was last in Dallas to try a case: we met in Houston on Bagby Street and I was firmly advised to ditch the loafers, and buy a pair of boots before the trial: we piled into a car and went to Stilzigs (spelling?) for the boots. I showed up on Monday in a Dallas courtroom and the judge’s first words were “Nice boots counsel.” I wear them still. Have never visited my brother in Dallas, since he comes up here once a year. But I am going to grill him now, on this “jeans and starched shirt” dress code.

    JP, I watched those cartoons too! There was a channel that showed older ones with more “good guy beats bad guy” violence which probably is as character shaping as standing outside a Chick Fil-A. But Pokeman is great. Pickichu!

    JP-is the backup blog (great idea) going to be the Con daily?

  255. JP Says:

    I think bl1y actually cares about con daily, so it’s probably not the best idea.

  256. Ellen Says:

    I do not like other people makeing decisions about my vulva. FOOEY!

  257. Guano Dubango Says:

    I am willing to travel for a woman but want to get right down to business when I arrive. I can be very attentive if the woman is presentable and clean.

  258. Not A Lawyer Says:

    It’s formal wear for some, Pig. Like as in those that own no formal wear whatsoever so they wear their cleanest pair of jeans. This is not the mainstream look in Dallas, however it becomes a lot more common as you travel east to places like Mesquite (pronounced “mis-keet” home of the Mesquite HS Skeeters and the Mesquite Rodeo).

    Ellen, you and Guano are a match made in heaven.

    JP – my kids watch Victorious. Though my son tells his friends he only watches it because his sister insists on it, I know he actually likes the shows. For cartoons, it’s Fairly Odd Parents and Phinnaeus and Ferb. I have never seen Pokemon and it appears that I never want to! Perhaps I’ve dodged that bullet.

  259. JP Says:

    I don’t have cable TV at my house, so my kids only watch it at their grandmother’s house. Which is about 0.7 miles away. Not quite enough to walk there comfortably.

    When they do get there, they run into different rooms so they each get full cable TV control. My son gets cartoons and my daughter gets Disney.

    I just don’t like Japanese cartoon type shows. I think I ODed on them when I was younger. So it’s not like I haven’t seen them.

  260. Banker Bill Says:

    It’s hard to keep up with what’s going on. But from the looks of it, I would bet that Guano would have sex with anything that stood still long enough, but this Ellen is too authoritarian, and would emasculate Guano after being turned down by Ellen if he demanded immediate access to her vulva. I can only imagine that conversation!

  261. Not a Lawyer Says:

    A poignant, insightful facebook post from a dear friend reads, “I like people and I like chicken. I just don’t like the chicken people.”

    Well said. And way to catch up to speed, Bill! So what’s your take on the other three hanging around this blog?

  262. Ellen Says:

    Fooey on you for makeing fun of me b/c I value my virtue. FOOEY on you BOTH for thinking I am interested in Guana. FOOEY!

  263. Not A Lawyer Says:

    There’s no shame in smart successful women doing nasty things in a fun safe way, Ellen.

  264. Pig Says:

    Guano, please use due care in your steamy quest. I don’t want to see Chris Hansen interviewing you on “To Catch A Predator.” Or see DATELINE showing photos of this site, “And Mr. Guano appears to have been talking with a Pig, 2 bankers, and a woman who brags about her vulva.”

    NAL, I love that quote. It turns out there no no Chick Fil A in Los Angeles, and the nearest one is a free way trip. I am going to try to convince the current Mrs. Pig (actually Ms. Pig) to skip the salad and go with me. If interviewed outside amidst the crowds, i am going to endorse chick fil A, and give my name as “Mr. Dubango,” or “Bill the Banker, but you can call me Banker Bill.”

    Ellen, never having fun is not virtue. Guano is waiting: Take your guide from St Augustine: “Lord give me chastity, but don’t give it yet.”

  265. Pig Says:

    in Orange County here: “Turnout to support the company CEO’s opposition to gay marriage is “overwhelming” and “unbelievable,” one restaurant owner says. By midday, the wait is 90 minutes in Foothill Ranch.”

  266. JP Says:

    I told my wife yesterday that I was happy that I chose to avoid Chick-Fil-A yesterday.

    She’s most annoyed that I engorge myself on spicy chicken sandwiches.

    She has a few free spicy chicken sandwich coupons, but it withholding them because she wants me to avoid fattening myself up.

  267. Pig Says:

    The food is sounding better every time someone mentions it. Plus, gays have announced an intended “Same Sex Kiss” day at chick Fil A’s. So JP, now anyone at a Chick Fil A is a supporter of something: you can eat spicy chicken while talking to hot lesbians, and wave on the way out and both sides will clap for you. Is this a great country or what?

  268. JP Says:

    The real problem is that the stupid Chick-Fil-A is two minutes from here.

    That’s the problem no one is talking about!

    How am I supposed to resist a good Spicy Chicken sandwich (which is not good for me) when I am two minutes away from it. Now. And I’m hungry.

    And the only thing I have in my office are potatoes.

    Did I mention that I’m hungry?

    This is horrible!

  269. Not A Lawyer Says:

    I love the spicy chicken….and don’t forget waffle fries! Pig, don’t waste your time on the carrot salad – I never saw the point – but they do have salads with chicken.

    Now I’m hungry too – and I definitely can’t go to Chick Filet….. I’ll survive since I’m meeting the girls tonight for mambo taxi margaritas. Those are always better on an empty stomach, right?

  270. JP Says:

    I’m actually not a waffle fry fan. I’m not sure why. Although I do like them with ketchup. Maybe I’m not putting enough salt on them. Lots of salt often makes things taste better.

    I’m resisting the urge to go get a sandwich. Mostly because I’m meeting with clients all day.

  271. Pig Says:

    JP, take the client with you. Buy them a sandwich, deduct the meal and get rid of those starchy potatoes. Potatoes? Are you Irish?

    I’ve got this plastic container of celery and carrots, and all i can think about now is spicy chicken. (not to demean your vulva as a mid-day item for thought, Ellen, but with NAL and JP hyping the food, and looking at those miserable celery sticks… ).

    Where is Banker Bill? Are you turned off by chicken, lesbians or waffle fries?

  272. Pig Says:

    NAL, even if on an empty stomach, we’re expecting a full report of the material gossip.

  273. JP Says:

    I like potatoes because I can toss them in the microwave and cook them.

    Meaning that I don’t really like potatoes, but they are easy to cook with no mess. The focus is on easy.

    I was not taking the paranoid guy with the recent psych hospitalization along with me to a local Chick Fil A with massive crowds of agitated idealists.

  274. Not a Lawyer Says:

    That was a good call JP.

    2 mambo taxis later, I’ve now caught up with 8 of my sorority sisters on our other 100 sisters marriages, divorces and coke problems. But on a positive note, I have wonderful, wonderful friends (this is how I get after 2 margaritas. I’m an “I love you” drinker).

  275. JP Says:

    The only person I still talk to from college had adventures with coke. He’s a bipolar mess.

    I truly wish that I had never gone to college. Very traumatic.

    Nearly completely destroyed my life and I’m *still* complaining about it 15 years later. Drives my wife nuts.

    Law school, on the other hand, was merely unpleasant. I have very neutral feelings toward it. Which is surprising, given that I despise the practice of law.

  276. Pig Says:

    I left my hometown for college, and left all the high school friends who were going to local colleges or working. To get back there is one of those “how much do you weigh sir?” flights, so I almost never get back. I left the college town 1500 miles away. Having carefully disbursed all people that could blab to reporters about my non-existent indiscretions if I ran for office, I get together with law school friends. But kids and work make that hard too.

    JP, never regret! My much older sister didn’t really “go” to college (she dawdled and dithered and took years to grad with a simple english BA). She never went to any grad school either. She had a so-called unpressured life, but like most idle people, she never did anything with all the time. Unmarried, no kids, no trips abroad…..she exists now on society’s good graces, and on a minimum salary. She’s never been to europe, and having failed to invest up front in her life, she is getting a poor return later.

    You were smart to go: and you seem to be doing good for people. You should be proud. But you seem to feel unappreciated, perhaps because your clients lack the ability to make theirs clear. Maybe you ought to write a book. Or do some private practice on the side for disabled people, get huge fee awards, soak yourself in liquor and drugs, and buy a bigger house, with a chef who will make chick Fil A at home. Maybe Ellen will do it for you if you pay her and leave her vulva alone. (OK not the drugs part–I am a total square about drugs).

  277. Pig Says:

    JP another idea: call Tell Chick Fil A you are bringing a dozen people with disabilities to Chick Fil A. Do it. Shake hands with all the gay protesters. Get on the news. Become a local icon of good will for the disabled. Let Chick Fil A put you in a commercial. (“what kind of people eat at Chick Fil A? Meet JP…”) Being a celebrity, your wife will be nicer to you, give you more and better sex, and she’ll let you eat all the Chick Fil A you want.

  278. JP Says:

    No, I feel appreciated. Especially when they give me large chocolate cakes. I’m just bored out of my skull. I don’t feel bad about the work that I’m doing, since it generally results in clients have housing and medical care.

    And, since it’s not giving me panic attacks like the billable hour treadmill, that’s a plus.

    I just have the life traumas overlying the college/law school time. Mother dead/father debilitated. Having to come home all the time to watch your mother die generally colors the experience.

    My psychiatrist BIL’s wife took 10 years to get a BA.

    I’d feel more secure if I could figure out what in the world was going to happen with the U.S. currency once this debt mess truly implodes. It would be nice to know whether I am going to end up with 25 cents on the dollar. I would spend if now if that were the case.

    I think I’m just at the “Why don’t I have an Harvard M.D./Ph.D from MIT” stage of my life.

    Legal research/writing/advocacy really isn’t my strong suit. I just did law because I ended up with a 3.2 in chemical engineering. That’s pretty much equivalent to a normal person dropping out of high school and living on the street.

  279. Pig Says:

    I didn’t go to business school because of all the math: I detest math, but I would have been a better businessman than a lawyer. But then I could have been born in Pakistan or a slum in some third world country too.

    No one feels secure with the economy as it is: deflate and pay debt with appreciated dollars (ouch), inflate and watch our salaries fall behind, or navigate a mid course with bits of both (stagflation”), like an endless root canal.

    Either way we are so screwed: its all Lyndon Johnson’s fault. Employment was 4% and inflation .2% from 1960-1964. Since then its been one see saw after the other as the US tries to compensate for inflation or unemployment.

    If the fed ever stops paying interest on bank reserves, and that money piled up starts sloshing around, we’ll have a great inflation for sure.

    Enjoy those kids: I hear they grow up and leave fast and then you can work on your PhD.

  280. JP Says:

    One of my friends just acquired a car dealership.

    I expect that he thinks that the auto sub-economy is on the rebound.

  281. JP Says:

    Breaking News:

    Paterno family to appeal Penn State NCAA sanctions.

    I’m a Penn State grad.

    Right now, the Paterno family just keeps looking worse and worse.


    Please stop.

    Please, please stop saying *anything*.

    Paterno’s legacy is dead because nothing was actually done to protect the children who were being molested by a known pedophile.

    Penn State looks like the rudderless bureaucratic blob that it really is and it’s reputation is completely shot.

    You can’t bring your family’s reputation back.

    It’s just not possible.

    In fact, this is kind of like being Madoff’s family.

    Only worse.

    I took the bar exam with one of the Paterno sons.

    This seems like one of his idiot ideas.

  282. Guano Dubango Says:

    No word yet? Where are all the women?

  283. JP Says:

    You know, I was thinking. There are actually *two* people I talk to from college. I also talk to my ex-girlfriend. She’s a BigLaw attorney.

    Her last partner was really stressing her out because he was coming to work drunk way too much and the entire work environment was freaking her out.

    Since she was an attorney, I had clumped her into the law school group.

    So, there’s my “drunk lawyer” story for today.

  284. Hank Says:

    Guano, no chick is going to let you pipe her if you act so desperate. I suggest you rent “fast times at ridgemont high” where a nerd like you winds up boning the hot babe. Just saying’…

  285. Not a Lawyer Says:

    So is Guano supposed to be Rat or Mike Demone? I love Fast Times. I even bought the soundtrack.

    JP so true about the Paternos. I feel the same about the chicken people. “Stop it. Just stop it. You look so stupid right now…..”

    In-house financing and used autos – there is some serious money to be made there.

    US Currency – will it all ever really implode? Or will bailouts and movement of debt do just enough to create some artificial stability?

  286. Hank Says:

    You are right. Damone had Stacey first (not counting the car stereo salesman) but Rat wound up with her for a l/t relationship. That is what Guano wants.

  287. JP Says:

    OK. I now have a chick-fil-A free spicy chicken coupon. It’s in my wallet. It’s from my wife’s extensive collection of random Chick-Fil-A coupons that she collects when she’s out with the kids.

    Did you ever spin the Chick-Fil-A wheel of fortune? The last time I did that, I got a Chick-Fil-A calendar with a ton of coupons.

    Chick-Fil-A gives out more coupons than anyplace I have ever seen.

    Anyhow, back to the U.S. dollar. At the moment, I’m in 100% cash/CDs.

    So for now, I’me expecting the bailouts and movement of debt to create stability.

    Stocks are priced to return between 4 and 5% *nominally* for the next 10 years, so they are priced better than 1.5% on the treasury 10-year.

  288. Not a Lawyer Says:

    Stability Shmability….I don’t even know what’s real anymore. Once the divorce is final, I have to give the ex a substantial portion of my assets, so since they are otherwise committed, I’m pretty much starting over and operating as if I were broke. Literally nothing by the equity in my home and my paycheck. That’s a texas divorce for ya……

    Enjoy the spicy chicken! I haven’t dared go near a Chick Fil A. Tony’s family however proudly posted pictures of the whole clan eating fried chicken sandwiches in the name of Jesus. Because you know that’s what He would want us to do. Overweight people stuffing their faces with fried chicken. That’ll show them sinners.

    If I were so inclined to show my support for Chick Fil A in that way, I’d probably buy 100 sandwiches and take them down to the bridge and distribute them to the homeless.

  289. JP Says:

    What’s real is the fact that the global financial hypereconomy is excellent at producing spicy chicken sandwiches and placing them within two minutes of my office where I present a free coupon in exchange for a yummy, heart clogging, life-shortening, tasty treat!

    So, on that basis, I think I will embrace libertarian economics, since I know that it is only because of Austrian economics and government staying out of the market that I can acquire such free food!

    Ron Paul! Only he will give me free food!

    Actually, I think I’m going to eat these potatoes that I have before they rot. The ones in the bad at home rotted and we had to throw them out. Now I know how to tell whether the potatoes are rotten. So I learned something last week.

  290. Pig Says:

    Ah! there’s a chick fil A in Hollywood! Going to try to get there this week.

    NAL: I know that feeling: denuded of all you worked for save the ability to try to make more. “Thank you NAl for working so hard to amass all this. Much of it will now be stripped from you to support your idle ex on the fiction that he contributed to amassing it.”

    I believe you are supposed to say: “Wow, thanks everybody. I must now work longer hours to do this again so I can be stripped of even more next time.” Not: “Are you all on dope?” or, WTF just happened to me?”

    I hope you had dozens of undeclared chick fill A coupons and krugerrands. Can you deduct legal fees, if any, to the extent related to tax advice on the divorce? Did you get lots of tax advice?

    Did anyone is FTatRH ever do well later except Judge Reinhold? Mr. Hand had been an old TV star. But the rest seemed to melt away over time. Even Reinhold fades after Beverly Hills Cop and Ruthless people.

    JP, Hayek is looking down smiling at you. “My son, if you want to live like a monk, and avoid temptations, nothing stops you: it is up to you, not Mayor Bloomberg if you eat celery or chicken. Live your life!”

  291. JP Says:

    I honestly was impressed how good Chick-Fil-A was when I first tried it.

    Of course, the only thing I really had to compare it to was McDonalds.

    So, the fact that the chicken nuggets didn’t taste like cardboard and seemed to be made from actual chicken really surprised and impressed me.

    I had very low expectations.

  292. JP Says:

    Changed my mind. Eating potatoes. These are *good* potatoes. Yum!

  293. JP Says:

    OK. This second potato isn’t as good as the first potato. My bad.

  294. Not a Lawyer Says:

    Funny thing about the taxes….Tony swiped my W2s and 1099s and filed the taxes without letting me review them. He then said there was no return (no surprise there) but still would not let me review the taxes before he submitted them via TurboTax. Then mysteriously, there was deposit of $3400 from the US Treasury into his account. (Tony tends to forget that he married an AUDITOR and that chasing the money trail is what I do best). He then withdrew $2400 and went to Bermuda.

    JP – I’m a fan of the easy microwaved potato lunch, but it induces the lunch coma like no other. Just one facet of my love/hate relationship with carbs.

    On my run this morning, I remarked to my neighbor what a cool breezy morning it was – very unusual for August. It was only 85 degrees at 5:30 this morning. It’s now 104….a little break from heat! The water in my pool is still 91 degrees…’s like 20 thousand gallon bathtub.

  295. JP Says:

    NAL: Are you certain that Tony isn’t going through some sort of really bizarre midlife crisis and won’t wake up in a couple of years wondering what in the world he’s been doing?

    It might just be me, but his actions don’t seem to be exactly rational.

    I mean, I’ve seen grouchy divorces, but this seems more like he’s a freshman in college where you take out the college loans and then buy a Playstation.

    Generally, somewhere along the line between college and mid-life, you generally learn that there are things that are good ideas and things that are bad ideas.

    The only person I know like Tony is my bipolar friend from college. And his spending sprees are generally interspersed with periodic psych hospitalizations.

  296. Hank Says:

    Yo Pig, a lot of people from that movie made it very big! Start with Sean Penn; politics aside he was great /nuff said! Then Stacy did a lot of other ok movies, and tho phoebe cates didn’t do a lot more professionally, she wound up marrying Kevin Kline so she did ok too. Cates was top shelf in the 1980s!

  297. JP Says:

    I forgot the Sean Penn existed.

    Fortunately, I had Hank to remind me.

    Compare Sean Penn with Madonna in terms of remaining in the public eye.

  298. Pig Says:

    Yo Hank. I have never been a Penn fan since FT@RH, so I may have missed that one. And yes Reinhold and Cates did a bit, but they all just faded off….(although Cates probably could not top her FT@RH pool scene, which reduced me to slack jawed passivity). Maybe Penn will never do better than Spicolli.

    If I had a few mill, or enough Chick Fil A coupons to redeem, I’d do a remake. Use Penn as an un-redeemed Spicolli. Still bumming it on the beach after failing Mr. hand’s class (because Mr. Vargas fell asleep before he switched back to coffee, tipping over a bunson burner and burning down the school and Hand’s ungraded exams). Everyone re took it except Spicolli who has now discovered he has a kid, and he needs a high school diploma to get custody from the kid’s step father.
    Can we computer generate Mr. Hand rehired from his nursing home to teach a non-computer class?

  299. Not a Lawyer Says:

    Just to keep the core group together, the stepfather from which Spicolli wants custody has to be either Mike or maybe Brad? Or we could bring back stereo salesman.

    JP – Tony has always been charming, boyish, good looking, and irresponsible, and therefore looked after by his women. We (his exes, his sisters, his mother, and myself) kept him out of any major trouble for his first 41 years. Since I discovered the debt, and began pushing him to let me control the finances and get us out of debt, he became defiant, even narcissistic. He can do no wrong. He operates in a completely different reality than me. He has never ever truly been held accountable or taken any responsibility for himself. He changes stories, denies saying things that I KNOW he’s said, and threatens me. He can’t stand not being able to manipulate me any longer, so he tries harder.

    Because one of his major credit accounts was with the bank for which I work, he actually attempted to report me to them for fraud (hacking into his account using our systems when in reality I just called the number on the back of the card and gave them his ssn). He knew my job was my only ticket to freedom, so naturally he tried to destroy it. It didn’t work, and now next week I start an even bigger job (with a bigger salary). I can’t even feel too happy about it because he’s going to explode when he finds out. AND – he has debt with the new bank too. So we’ll see where that goes.

    He wasn’t always this crazy, and his sisters and mother are now blaming me for his current state. I want to scream. On the other hand, he does have a pretty new girlfriend with a house on a golf course. He’ll be just fine. But it doesn’t seem to me that he’ll ever “get it”. That’s the one reason I finally let go. He’s never going to get it.

  300. Hank Says:

    Holy douchnozzle!

    I did some research. Nicholas Cage, Anthony Edwards and Forrest Whittaker also wewe in the movie. Also Lana clarkson the hot piece that played Vargas’ wife. Poor beeotch was killed. Didn’t specter get implicated? That movie had some of the finest snatch of the 1980s since revenge of the nerds. Yea those oldies were the greatest. The American pie series bites the big one next to these classics!

  301. JP Says:

    Nicholas Cage is also fading into obscurity. Just saying.

  302. Not A Lawyer Says:

    And a narcissist who refuses to take accountability for his poor choices (i.e. Bankruptcy, buying islands, multiple homes he can’t afford). Just saying.

  303. JP Says:

    The recent major conflict with my wife and finances have to do with me taking the wrong side of the trade during QE II and holding on to it for too long.

    However, neither of us were happy about this, so I wasn’t feeling particularly defiant. Just stupid.

  304. Pig Says:

    The stereo salesman! Brilliant, NAL! He was a creep, so he’d be a perfect evil step father.

    Tony sounds like a long term bad news, especially because you cared for him and he almost fecklessly threw that away. He’s like an exotic foreign car that you always wanted. You feel terrific driving it, but it drains your bank account, leaves you repeatedly stranded, frustrated and finally you sell. Still wistful about it though.

    Maybe the new owner will be feckless enough to keep it, like Cage, bleeding money year after year. More fool her. Or maybe she too will wake up. Either way, you’ll see that same car on a flatbed or in a used car lot every so often. And realize it was for the best. I hope you do realize that, and with real conviction.

    Of course now that I know that the secret to endless hot and solvent women is to be irresponsible, charming and broke, I am turning over a new leaf–oh wait! Those bloody kids again! I’ll have to wait a few years.

    Hank, i missed whittaker and edwards, good calls. It just seemed that most faded faster than Kristen Stewart’s chances at stardom in movies directed by married men.

    Clarkson (I didn’t know it was her), fell on very hard times, would up as a waitress gamely trying for a “comeback,” after age 40, and went home with a real life Gollum (Spector), who evidently blew her away instead of just using alcohol and the promise of a record deal to get her into bed. I thought Spector was convicted.

    I didn’t know Cage was there either: (you are an afficianado), but he had one or 2 good ones and faded-he has the “I’m Tony and have the wallet” problem, without the charm.

  305. JP Says:

    Wow. Lana Clarkson. I feel truly sorry for the way her life turned out. I didn’t realize that Spector killed a Fast Times girl (even if it was a small part)

    I think that I feel bad for Kristen Stewart. I don’t think that she is going to have a happy life for some reason. She gives off that vibe.

    And I’m not talking that “walking psychological train wreck” vibe that Lindsay Lohan gives off. More of an “I’m going to continue to make bad decisions and then immediately regret them” vibe.

  306. Pig Says:

    Since KStew and RPatt are all over, a UK paper said she was wishing only a few weeks before, that something would be hard for her; that everything came too easy. She’s only 22 though. I mean really–a baby. And so far, no reported drugs, wild scenes, shoplifting, DUI’s or other “spiral down” Lindsay Lohan behavior. And the married director seems to be getting a bit of a pass: of all the people who ought to have known better. But this is more diverting than watching manufacturing and credit figures contract.

  307. JP Says:

    I just met with a client and his grandmother and had to deliver the devastating news that he did not suffer from mild mental retardation.

    Yes, in my world, a high IQ is bad for your legal case.

  308. Not a Lawyer Says:

    Kristin Stewart never has seemed like particulalry happy person, but perhaps she’s just guarded. She’s so young – hopefully this will just be one of those character-building experiences for her….that just so happened to be witnessed and discussed by millions of fans.

    JP – my question is, who convinced this man that he did suffer from mental retardation?

    My oldest brother is autistic (diagnosed in 1975 back when they thought it was caused by mothers not being loving enough) and later in life was also diagnosed with paranoid schizophrenia. Poeople ask me what’s going on with him, and I say “MR” because I don’t feel like explaining it. What should I call it?

  309. JP Says:

    Kristen Steward *is* a guarded person, but she’s gotten off to a bad start with a massive public fiasco with a married man. The sheer idiocy of that is pretty breathtaking.

    NAL: I’m not sure which school psychologist diagnosed him with MR. For disability purposes, you need testing under an IQ of 70, so it’s pretty clear cut.

    If he was autistic, then I could win on that. I just won a case for a 50 year old clearly autistic guy with basically normal IQ scores.

    With respect to your brother, I would just keep saying that he’s MR.

    This guy is clearly disabled, he just needs to find a treating psychiatrist or treating psychologist because he’s got something major going on, but unfortunately it’s *not* MR.

    I need to meet with one of my paranoid schizophrenic clients in a couple of weeks. He managed to attract the attention of the secret service.

    I had a fun hearing this morning where we discussed paranoid naked runs through the woods. That’s depression with psychotic features for you.

    Never thought I would have a job where I would ask people whether they hear voices on a regular basis.

  310. Not a Lawyer Says:

    So paranoid naked runs AREN’T okay? I’m just asking for a…. um, friend.

  311. JP Says:

    NAL: No, paranoid naked runs are frowned upon in most social circles in the United States.

    This arose due to the unique cultural and social institutions developed by the young country early in its history, essentially predating it’s establishment as a nation apart from what history refers to as the First British Empire.

    Although formed partially from religious dissenters, there was a strong commercial element to the southern colonies that actually served as the primary bulwark against paranoid naked runs.

    Due to superstitions related to commercial success that arose in the High Middle Ages, the human body in it’s naked form was only permitted in sculpture and artwork. To actually present a living naked person to the community was considered an act of usury. Basically, because you were supplying your fellow peasants with the gift of your yummy nakedness when you embarked on paranoid naked runs, you were essentially making a forced loan, which your brethren would be forced to repay, with interest. If this occurred in winter, no one else would consider taking off their clothes and frolicking through the snow as payment for your gift. So, the only choice was to provide the crazy naked person with the seed for the next season’s planting. This left the village with less seed because crazy naked people don’t tend to know what to do with themselves, let alone with corn for the next growing season.

    Without an understanding of *why* paranoid naked runs are frowned upon, I’ve found that people like your “friend” don’t really understand what their actions symbolize.

    “Hey, I look *good* naked, they say. And running makes me feel good, so it’s a Win-Win!” they say.

    Yes, but in the United States, it’s not a matter of how you look as much as a matter of that you are tapping into cultural taboos. When people see your naked form frolicking across the meadow, they don’t think “hey, I think there’s something wrong with that person”. Rather, they are subconsciously remided of famine, starvation, and death and take these primal fears out on the naked person running, generally resulting in bruising and being clothed against their will.

    I hope this helped you understand the issue at hand and why paranoid naked runs are generally unacceptable in our country.

  312. Pig Says:

    I am going to buy a ranch in Northern California where converts to our new religion -fitting a certain predefined appearance of course- can run naked all they want. And JP, you ought to apply for the “Lecturer/Historical Trends” position at some University. I’d have dragged myself out of bed at 8am to listen to you. You are doing noble work where you are, but your historical commentary and economic observations are too good for just this web site.

  313. Pig Says:

    ..and NAP, pay no attention to JP. Experts have proven that true freedom and self worth cannot be realized until women under 40 shed the restrictive impositions of the oppressive patriarchy. See, Pig, “Rebutting JP: Why The ‘Pursuit of Happiness’ Permits Women to Run Naked, “Journal of Hedonist Studies,” August 8, 2012.

  314. JP Says:

    Breaking Chick-Fil-A News:

    “Don Perry, the vice president of public relations for Chick-fil-A, has died, according to a statement from the University of Georgia, where he served on the board of the journalism school.”

    per CNN

  315. Not a Lawyer Says:

    Didn’t another PR exec die amid a scandal recently? Was it Penn State? WTH is going on in this country? I’m going for a run……

  316. JP Says:

    Joe Paterno died shortly after being fired.

    Because the only thing keeping him alive was football.

  317. Not a Lawyer Says:

    No No – A PR guy…..let me get back to you on that.

    And I don’t really run naked. It takes a lot of spandex to control the jiggle factor. BUT, some old friends of my parents are very hippy dippy and participate in naked fun runs. In large groups. Of old people. How’s that for crazy?

  318. Not a Lawyer Says:

    Chick Fil A guy dies a couple weeks ago…..that was it.

  319. Pig Says:

    So after telling us she’d come strapless and then coyly suggesting she was heading off for a naked run, NLA, says, (probably just in time to beat Ellen’s rant “I won’t run naked for a bunch of sweaty guys! Fooey!”) “oh no, forget the naked stuff,” and offers instead, the image of herds of older people running naked in her area.

    Great. So now the image is herds of old people running….talking about COPD, restless leg syndrome, face lifts, hip replacements, scooters, and other fun stuff. probably hard of hearing and repeating things to each other like the take off scene from Airplane (“what’s our clearance clarence?” “Huh?” “What?”).

    Did anyone sell short on Facebook? God I wish I had.

  320. JP Says:

    These are hippies. The’re on acid, man. And weed, dude. Don’t mallow their hash or whatever it is that hippies do.

    My wife thought that we should buy into the Facbook IPO. I think she remembered Krispy Kreme’s IPO and the pop that it got.

    My response?

    “Uh. No. I’m quite happy to keep the 1.5% I made earlier this year.”

    I don’t short individual issues. Except Apple. I might make an exception for Apple. Without Steve Jobs, the’re dead long term.

    He might have been a sociopathic narcissist, but he was good at magically levitating Apple’s stock price.

    I cannot believe that something that was big 30 years ago, namely Apple, is bigger than ever.

    However, I think that Apple’s in a spandex jiggle consolidation pattern, so it’s not clear whether now is a good time to short it.

  321. Ellen Says:

    You are right. I do NOT wish to show off my BODY free to ooo sling men. By the same token, I do not want to look at men’s weenie’s, because most are gross b/c they have been in DIRTY places before. FOOEY!

  322. Not a Lawyer Says:

    So what do you do with your weenie, Ellen? Do you “tuck” it?

    Sorry for the tease, Pig. I am what I am. I cannot change. And as good as I feel when I’m running, I’ve seen from those pictures captured at races that I’ve never looked uglier. It’s not a pretty sight. Trust me. maybe being naked would help though.

    And those hoards of people….yikes. I’m taking nerdy, dungeons-and-dragons-playing-Star-Trek-loving-systems-engineering-geeks. Old ones. *shudder* I can make fun, because though you’d never guess it, and I don’t advertise it normally, these are my people.

    And on Tony – Last night I was just telling my kids that I will always love their daddy because together we made them when my son interjected with a story from his last visit where Tony got into a fight with his mom and they all had to go to a hotel for the night (temp orders state no overnights with boyfriend/girlfriend while we have possession of the children so he stays at his folks when he has the kids). Yes, I see my handsome, charming sports car and am thinking wistfully…..”Thank God I don’t have to drive that piece of crap any longer. God Bless the poor woman that now drives that car.”

  323. JP Says:

    I’m tired because I was being my own administrative assistant last night at 11:30. So I’m playing Blocks on the Armor Games website because I want to go home and go to bed. I am trying to move around a pile of colored blocks so that they disappear.

    It’s so nice that there are a ton of mindless puzzle games on the Internet for times like these. I have to sit in the office to field phone calls from the ads that are running but I want to go to sleep.

    Also, I ate pizza and doughnuts all day. So that’s not really helping me stay awake either.

    My father in law used to *love* Star Trek. He finally went to a Star Trek convention. He was somewhat disturbed by the experience. He didn’t realize the subculture that was attracted to those conventions. His area of expertise is political science and I don’t think he had much exposure to the science fiction people. I don’t think there’s much science fiction being created these days.

    Tony sounds like a fascinating individual. I’m trying to picture an adult man with children getting into a fight with his mother and being thrown out of the house. Honestly, it’s kind of hard.

  324. Pig Says:

    Pizza and doughnuts? And chic fil A too? You eat like I want to but can’t if I want to fit into my clothes! You must have the metabolism of a wasp!

    Its not that hard JP: “Its all about me.”

  325. JP Says:

    I think I accidentally made myself morbidly obese.

  326. Not a Lawyer Says:

    In one day? That’s impressive.

  327. JP Says:

    Don’t be jealous. I’m just completely awesome. What can I say? You should see how my 500 pounds look on me. Pure class.

  328. Not A Lawyer Says:

    I am a little – jealous that you got to eat pizza and donuts. My morning runs usually end at a Dunkin Donuts a mile from my house, where we get a coffee, and then walk the mile home chatting. We literally map our runs specifically for this purpose. They are titled “5 to Dunkin”, “3 to Dunkin”, “12 to Dunkin” etc. Even though I’m a regular and frequent customer, I have yet to consume a donut there. They scare me. I think I’d like it too much.

  329. Guano Dubango Says:

    Not a Lawyer:

    If you eat donuts the weight will go right to your thighs and buttox. In my country, a young pretty woman with large thighs and buttox usually means that she is capable of bearing issue.

  330. Pig Says:

    Guano, you had promise for a minute a few weeks ago, but you’re back on script.

    I avoid donuts like– onions rings, See’s candy, red vines, chocolate chip mint ice cream, and BLT’s with mayo-hard to stop if I start. I admire people who can do “one bite” but I am not one of them. I am amazed that NAL can sit in a donut shop with all that “donut smell,” and coffee, and not do “just one,” even a “plain one” that is nonetheless soaked in oil.

    I am constantly at war with food, peeling off the top layer of bread, scraping off the mayo if it was put on, tossing any cheese, avoiding white rice, and even asking Subway to hollow out the bottom lawyer of bread-and then ordering some decadent meal for dinner. LA has so many guys that diet, work out, have perfect chiclet teeth, and don’t work stressful jobs, so the competition is brutal. Of course those guys are doubtless all abusive, unemployed, narcissists, and probably all gay too, but their mere presence in a bar or nightclub raises the bar for everyone.

    JP, I assume you are taking some Omega 3′s with all that stuff..and some alpha lipioc acid tablets….some blueberries…

  331. JP Says:

    Um. Yeah. Omegas alpha blueberry acid. Sure.

  332. Guano Dubango Says:

    I perhaps was unclear. I meant that I would actually welcome a young woman with large buttox and thighs and therefore encourage donut dining by my women.

  333. Not A Lawyer Says:

    Guano I’ve borne my issues already. Are you interested in supporting them and then putting them through college?

    Pig – we’re usually there at opening even before the donuts have been set out, and never stay long. We grab the coffee and go. If they’d let me jog through the drive thru, I would.

    I know what you mean about the competition. I live among a lot of well-kept housewives who check-in on facebook daily to the megagym down the street just to remind us all how hard they work to be hot.

    JP – throw in a multivitamin for good measure. And some fiber.

    And just for fun, here’s a quote from the sweetest boy on the planet: “Mommy, you’re the smartest mommy that I ever knowed. But I don’t know that many.”

  334. JP Says:

    As a 38 year old, I am now at the point in my life where I am going to be forced to start to exercise just to make sure that the end of my life is not completely miserable.

    NAL – I don’t actually buy doughnuts. I just eat them when they appear at the office by the dozen in boxes. Doughnuts aren’t worth me spending money on them. Coffee, on the other hand, I will buy. Often.

  335. Pig Says:

    NAL, if you ever run for office, that’ll bring down the house. That’s priceless.

    JP–I’d die of gratitude if NY Mayor Bloomberg ended his vendetta against big gulps, and California quit worrying about foi gras, which is now banned here, and join together to ban anyone from bringing to any office, peanut brittle, banana cream, cherry or apple pie, donuts, girl scout cookies or Halloween candy. I mean Building Security ought to seize them.

  336. Guano Dubango Says:

    I need to have my spouse produce a male heir to carry on the Dubango patrilinealage. If you are capable of and willing to bear me a male heir, you and your brood can return with me, all expenses paid, to meet my Aunt Ooona. If she approves, we can marry and procreate in Ghana.

  337. JP Says:

    I forgot to mention that a lawyer friend of my BIL who was de-partnered and tossed onto the lawyer scrapheap (kind of like Pig did to that freeloading underperformer a few weeks ago) is seeking a Chick-Fil-A franchise rather than continue pursing law. He also hasn’t figured out that he really needs to take “partner” off his resume so that he doesn’t look like a failed lawyer.

    I also found some exciting information about the entire Chick-Fil-A franchise system over lunch yesterday. Apparently the franchise fees are low and you don’t actually retain any equity in the business. It’s kind of like you are renting a business, but it only costs $5K or something nominal. Also, a significant number of new franchisees come from Chick-Fil-A employees.

    I used to do a significant amount of franchise law. When potential franchisees would come to me, I would write a nice letter to them explaining that it was a bad idea, but that they could do it anyway.

  338. Not a Lawyer Says:

    Whoa – really? 5k for the right to franchise? Wow. Who knew? I wonder how well the owners do at the end of the day after expenses?

    Pig – I can never run for office. I partied a lot in college and I KNOW there are some incriminating photos out there somewhere. And there was that Mardi Gras in 2002….at least I know the location of those pictures. Thank God this was all before facebook and before we could afford digital cameras.

    Sorry Guano, my wild past probably disqualifies me as your mate. I’m crushed.

  339. Banker Bill Says:

    Not a Lawyer:

    If you go to Ghana with Guano, he will provide you and your kids with his signature tee shirt:

    Go for it! You only live once!

  340. JP Says:

    I’m working all weekend because I had to refill the caseload when the attorney in whose seat I now sit was tossed out and now I’m paying for it.

    In other news, another attorney who just left the firm had a great New Orleans story about how some guys at a bar tried to roofie him and his wife so that they could have a nice private party with them back at their place.

    I had never heard of trying to roofie a couple before, but then it’s New Orleans…

  341. Pig Says:

    I made the mistake of coming into the office too, and its at least 78 there is no AC on. Everyone with any sense is at the beach, and now parking will be next to impossible. Have to walk it when i get home. But at least I can count on my fellow BL1Y’rs!

    Guano, after a year of reading your entreaties, I have some FAQ’s you might say.

    One, does your mate get a title?
    Two, does a marriage in Ghana entitle you to divorce a Mrs. Guano if she gains weight, refuses to put out or has an affair?
    Three: if you divorce there, who gets the kids? Split ‘em, or does the man of the house get them? Is it like the old movie “Not Without My Daughter,” where a woman in Iran can’t get out of the place without your permission and has to wear a veil?
    Finally, why aren’t you on or something?

    JP: a simple franchise fee plus have to order food from the main office, pay rent, pay employees,… if I got one, I’d hired fake gays to demonstrate so sympathetic people would buy more from me. Then I’d have “Lesbian Sandwich week, ” “MILF week” and I’d give free drinks to cheerleaders and firefighters, so men and women would come in to pick up dates.

    NAl, maybe some old Mardi Gras photos of Romney will show up and smooth the path for you. Bush II had a DUI; Clinton smoked grass; Even Richard Nixon was a cut up in college, when he ran for student body president insisting on the right to dance on campus. Perry looks like someone who knew how to party.

  342. JP Says:

    Pig, I’m pretty sure that Mrs. Guano is *expected* to put on a significant amount of weight.

    So you may want to strike your original set of interrogatories and rephrase them.

    Did I ever mention that my cousin married her high school band teacher?

    Wow, was her father upset when he found out about that one.

  343. Guano Dubango Says:

    Yes we do not divorce in my country, and the bigger the thighs and rear the more healthy the children will be.

    If a lady meets my Aunts approval, we can immediately start procreating!

  344. Banker Bill Says:

    Guano, I am not sure many women see any incentive in heading to Ghana for the privilege of procreating with you.

    If you want to have a woman move half way around the world to live, you must offer a bit more than this. I suggest you poll some women and see what it would take.

    I don’t see Not a Lawyer even nibbling, yet. Since everyone has their price, make it worth her while!

  345. Georgina Says:

    I firgured I would answer these, even tho I am not Guano. If Guano disagrees, he can step up to the plate and clarify once he gets his nose out of wherever it is now:

    One, does your mate get a title?

    YES: She gets to me my wife and a seat at the royal table.

    Two, does a marriage in Ghana entitle you to divorce a Mrs. Guano if she gains weight, refuses to put out or has an affair?

    NO: Divorces are only granted if the wife to divorce the husband. She can do so by cellular phone, solely on the grounds that he does not pleasure her to her satisfaction.

    Three: if you divorce there, who gets the kids? Split ‘em, or does the man of the house get them? Is it like the old movie “Not Without My Daughter,” where a woman in Iran can’t get out of the place without your permission and has to wear a veil?

    KIDS go with the spouse that the Royal court determines is in the best interest of the child. Since only the wife can divorce the husband, the judge would have to determine whether the man adequately pleasured the spouse. This would be done by either by proxy, with a female stand-in, or, in the case of a female judge, directly by that judge.

    Finally, why aren’t you on or something?

    A: Guano has not been successful there, because he has insisted only on having a beautiful fertile female lawyer, which is an oxymoron. Now that he has lowered his standards, perhaps he should return there in search of a fertile female, no matter how fat or ugly.

  346. Pig Says:

    No more Guano material.

    Homeless man with a “Vietnam Vet” sign (sure you were) on the way in. Once inside a city core, every street seems to have some perennial beggars who were vets. Some homeless people are just nuts and 50 years ago, they’d have been institutionalized. Then those court decisions held that you can’t do that unless they are an imminent danger to self or others: Now they’re in the city parks, wandering about, using them as bathrooms, ruining them for kids. You have to keep your kids closer than in the old days I think.

    The suburbs are, whether city planners like it or not, the real refuge for families. Away from endless taxes, congested parking, political machines bigger than a PTA, smaller every year parking spaces, wandering homeless people, unkept streets.

  347. Anonymous Says:

    I once took my kids to the park early one Saturday morning – and we live in the suburb of all suburbs, the safest city in the US according to some magazine – and sleeping at the top of the slide was a homeless man. I was shocked not at his situation or appearance, but wondering how on earth he got to Collin County. That was baffling to me.

    On another note – the new job is awesome. Though I’m wait-listed for my office with a view, I have have one of those cool flowcharts in the coffee room where if you don’t make a fresh pot of coffee after taking the last cup, they feed you to hungry tigers. I think I love this place.

  348. Not A Lawyer Says:

    That’s me up there.

  349. JP Says:

    I see that the financial industry is shedding jobs. I also saw that nice WSJ article showing that there’s only 55% employment for lawyers.

    So, we are only producing 2 lawyers for every actual lawyer job.

    Meanwhile, I have way, way too much work and am desperately cutting back my workload.

    There’s an open slot for traffic/criminal in our retail office. I’m lobbying for a new grad who just passed the bar who will be thrilled that he got a job.

    Yes, I said “he”. Apparently, we will never hire a woman attorney in our office because the woman who owns the firm has absolutely had it with woman attorneys. We are also never going to hire another male non-attorney because she prefers female staff. It’s fascinating, really.

  350. Not a Lawyer Says:

    Interesting, JP. All male attorneys, all female support staff. And this is the design of a woman? Hmmm. My neighbor is a female attorney, and I think she’s just lovely. If I owned a firm, I’d hire her. She’s one of those women that all of the other women in the neighborhood don’t like because they find her unfriendly and intimidating. In reality, she is smart, hilarious, and wonderful mother, and has limited tolerance for BS. I love her. She did tell me about working with some guy straight out of law school who only made $40k. Yikes. Ouch.

    Yes, the financial industry has benn and will continue to shed, except in the areas od risk, compliance, and audit. There, they adding layer upon layer upon layer, beyond the point of inefficiency, almost to the point of suffocating the business. But hey, it pays the bills.

  351. Anonymous Says:

    Not a lawyer sounds like high maintenance. Fellas, keep your peckas in your pants around this dame.

  352. Pig Says:

    Dame? Who uses “dame”? I have to believe its the same “Hank,” or “Jake” that occasionally posts on this site, at home with himself, internet porn and cheap alcohol, and maybe some undemanding, unemployed, loud, jowly, 11:00 am vodka slurping woman with oversize earrings, who hasn’t showered yet. “high maintenance?” Do you detest woman who wash? Read? Ones that have a responsible job? Ones that aren’t so heavy they can get on top? “Dame?” Really?

  353. JP Says:

    Breaking Kristen Stewart News:

    She will *not* be allowed to be the main character in the next Snow White Movie!

    This has been a public service announcement.

  354. Not A Lawyer Says:

    Aw – thanks Pig! I’ve never been described as “high maintenance” (or a dame for that matter) but I was kinda starting to like the idea of being adored enough to maintain. High maintenance people become that way because someone at some point adored them enough to allow them to be that way, with the exception of the I’m-lazy-and-I-have-to-marry-well-so-I’m-going-to-set-the-bar-high-and-be-demanding-even-though-I’m-just-a-carhop-at-sonic type of girl.

    Rest assured Annonymous that their peckas are thousands of miles away, committed to their rightful owners, and, we all hope, neatly tucked in their pants.

    JP – Why on earth is there a sequel to Snow White??? Didn’t they live happily ever after? And banning KStew is really a service to all of the viewing public. We are spared from the angsty, constipated Bella. Hooray!

  355. JP Says:

    NAL: I think Hollywood ran out of good ideas years ago. The fact that we are cycling through European folk tales once again is an indication that the film industry is bankrupt in terms of creativity.

    There are *two* Snow White movies out. this year Mirror, Mirror is the other one with Julia Roberts. I just watched Duplicity (with Julia Roberts). It was kind of funny. Definitely worth the $0 I paid the library to rent it.

    Note: I didn’t realize that this KStew person was the same actress that I saw in Panic Room and In The Land of Women (another $0 library movie, courtesy of my wife). She was angsty and constipated in that movie, too. So, she’s definitely good at angsty and constipated. Pretty much cornered the market, I would say.

    Pig: I’m pretty sure that you do not want to watch In The Land of Women. It’s a Girl Movie that’s certified rotten by Rotten Tomatoes. Think about that one. I give Duplicity a “Meh”, which is a much better rating that I would give to In the Land of Women.

  356. Pig Says:

    JP, you are absolutely right. Most movies are so lame….

    I cannot endure depressing movies (I walked out of Monster’s Ball in 20 minutes, and only stayed that long because of the then Ms. Pig), like Unfaithful”, or most movies with Pierce Bronson, and George Clooney. “American Beauty” was a real downer too.

    Clooney in particular keeps showing up in movies that are depressing to me: e.g., “Up In The Air”, which had promise, went a bit sour at the end, and after being marketed as an upbeat movie: “The Descendants”, where his wife dies ,but it turns out she was cheating on him and he spends half the movie trying to find fill an emotional void by finding out why. I must have an emotional block to those.

    I admit it: I want upbeat or defiant movies, or ones that seems original to me (80′s movies like Trading Places, caddyshack, Wall Street, and Ghostbusters, old ones like My Man Godfrey, Its a Gift, slightly more recent ones, Pursuit of Happyness (one that will make most people tear up), or the older Serendipity, and of course all manner of wars, gunfights, evil people getting the crap kicked out of them, and off beat ones like Boiler room.).

    I am so childishly inclined to good endings, I even watch the old Masters of the Universe and Miracle on 34th Street when they come on, and all the old James Bond movies. Who can resist, “Do you expect me to talk? No Mr. Bond, I expect you to die!” (Well, Ms. Pig can: “How many times have you seen that movie?”).

    Like Game of Thrones on HBO? If you have not watched, I bet you’d love it. Season 3 starts next year I think. Hooked after 3 episodes. First two seasons were awesome.

  357. JP Says:

    Of all of the downbeat movies I’ve ever watched, I think I liked Unforgiven the best. Great movie. I just looked it up on Rotten Tomatoes. Got a 97%. Wow.

    My wife picked up the Wall Street sequel at the library today while she was finding something to do with the kids in the long hot final days before school starts. It’s kind of amusing to me that the library doubles as kid entertainment center/Blockbuster. Apparently they are still trying to make a third Ghostbusters.

    Trading Places is one of the movies I watched a number of times in high school. That and Caddyshack are truly funny movies.

    I like the older bond movies. The new ones, not so much.

  358. Guano Dubango Says:

    I like the Clint Eastwood Dirty Harry movies. In my country, he is revered.

  359. Not a Lawyer Says:

    I never did see Wall St because I probably would have found it too stressful. I was an auditor at a Wall St firm at the time it came out – so my colleagues were either excited to see it or adamantly against it. I irritated cocky traders for a living so I found it hard to see the entertainment value. Now that I’m doing something a little different, maybe I can handle it.

    Is Game of Thrones also a book? I love to read the book first and am looking for something to occupy me until the next Hunger Games movie.

    I’m reading the second book of 50 Shades. Another mom told me it’s where the characters actually develop. It’s true, and it seems to be written slightly better than the first. Or my standards have fallen. I’m still not enthralled.

  360. Pig Says:

    “A Game of Thrones is the first book in A Song of Ice and Fire, a series of high fantasy novels by American author George R. R. Martin. It was first published on 6 August 1996. The novel won the 1997 Locus Award,[1] and was nominated for both the 1998 Nebula Award[2] and the 1997[1] World Fantasy Award.”

  361. Not a Lawyer Says:

    Wow – why thank you, Wiki-Pig! Did you read the books?

  362. Guano Dubango Says:

    I would like to read the “shades of gray” books but understand they are quite racy. I therefore will not charge the books.

  363. JP Says:

    I wonder what a bl1y-Wiki would look like.

  364. Wiki-Pig Says:

    Never read them. Am told they are great, but demand a reader dedication I can’t give as of now -lots of names that take time to absorb and track. Like the old Hobbit books.

    Guano, you’ll rarely have a better chance to start a conversation with a woman than now with a copy of that book under your arm.

  365. BL1Y Says:

    Get a life, y’all.

  366. Wiki-Pig Says:

    There you are!

    We have one: part of it is here. We could be at ABTL, you know. Or helping Todd Akin to get his foot out of his mouth.

  367. JP Says:

    That’s not the real bl1y.

    That’s Ellen.

  368. Wiki-Pig Says:

    Ellen says “y’all”? I don’t know: that sounds very Alabama to me. And needless to say there was no “fooey” in it. Where is that back up site again?

    How about that Akin? Just when the GOP seems poised to do well, keep my taxes low, and pass the “Tax Credit for the 2d Blonde Wife Act of 2012,” Akin, oblivious to the other 49 states, gulps his breakfast of greasy catfish, pulls off his overalls, dons his one suit, stumbles out of his backwoods congressional seat, parks his tractor, says “how yew?” and walks into an interview to “confirm” what every swing voter fears: a GOP itching to force people out of their beds, away from weekend sex, into uncomfortable clothes, out of their leisurely brunches and back to church on Sundays.

    Then the media are all over a story about another GOP congressman who swam naked in the Sea of Galilee.

    What is it with these “not ready for prime time” people?

  369. Not a Lawyer Says:

    I say y’all. Not as much as I used to, but it definitely slips out much to the amusement of my yankee family.

    Akin….geez. Well, I for one would be thrilled and lucky to be represented by an old white guy with such extensive knowledge about the workings of the female body. “Legitimate rape?” What a jackwagon.

  370. Not a Lawyer Says:

    “Toddlers and Tiaras” makes me want to call CPS. I’ve been very vocal with friends and family on my stance on this and refuse to watch the show (mostly because it will result in me calling CPS).

    And then there was “Here Comes Honey Boo Boo.” I have no words. No. Words.

  371. JP Says:

    Did you see the clip where Here Comes Honey Boo Boo speaks in Spanish?


    And I mean Wow.

    I can’t describe the feelings that coursed through me as I watched her and that pig (yes a real pig) with a crown.

    I’m pretty sure that by watching Honey Boo Boo I have encountered the precise opposite of a “Profound Spiritual Experience.”

  372. Wiki-Pig Says:

    I say “y’all” too, after a case or two in Houston and Dallas and one is South Carolina. It was a surprise though, to see it in the transcripts. I like it: its a very friendly expression. Very disarming. Some of our judges here who are not from anywhere else use it now too.

    But this is a good time to get some advice on a festering issue of high importance: “y’all” seems to surprise people who insist on saying “Rio Grande” to sound like “Rio Grand A.” I say “Rio Grand,” which they insist is “wrong”. None of them come from Texas, but they appear quite confident they are right. I have become stubborn on how I say it, since I think they are poseurs, the kind of people who add a french accented pronunciation to “croissant,” or say :”boo fay” instead of “buffet.” I will tease them endlessly if I can with pronunciations that are not french accented. But if people with no stake in the matter tell me “Rio Grand” makes me sound like Todd Akin, its never too late to change. So should I switch?

    Have only seen ads for T&T: agree with you. Its stealing a childhood. I’d rather my kids were playing in a leaf pile, in the ocean, reading a book, …anything but that. Weird parents. probably send their kids to cotillion at age 10.

  373. Not A Lawyer Says:

    One day, just once I’d like to appraoch a T&T mom, and whisper, “My daughter is prettier than yours ” just for the reaction. Of course my daughter could be nowhere around because it would result in some trailer-park style girlfight. My friends and fellow moms know my hatred of T&T and are famililiar with my rant that begins, “Now, as the mother of an unusually gifted and beautiful daughter….”

    And the money these poor, disadvantaged trailer park moms will spend to cap the teeth, spray tan, and bedazzle these little girls! In my house, if mommy doesn’t wear $1000 dresses, daughter isn’t wearing $1000 dresses.

    I haven’t seen the clip you speak of, JP. I’m sure I’ll come across it. I did see a clip of Honey Boo Boo’s mom explaining why she wasn’t saving any pageant winnings for college. This poor girl doesn’t stand a chance – especially after attending a baby shower for her 17 year old sister, “Chickadee.”

    Pig- as a Texan of 29 years, I can confirm that an entire year of Texas History is required learning in our elementary and secondary schools. People want to say “Granday” because it’s spelled Rio Grande, however, the correct pronunciation is “Ree-yo Grand”, y’all.

  374. Guano Dubango Says:

    I do not know all of this shorthand comments, but if purchase of this book will lead to a woman bearing me a royal heir, I am in Cavour of same. Is there a woman here willing to swap our issue for the 3 volume set.?

  375. JP Says:

    NAL, can we have more Tony stories?

    Specifically Tony stories about how sophisticated users of credit maximize their credit limit while minimizing the minimum payments.

    Also, what make the best “spur of the moment” purchases with Visa Gold cards? Fine dining? Trips to Alaska? A case of Grey Goose?

  376. JP Says:

    I did some research on that Honey Boo Boo family.

    They have pregnant 17 year olds just like my cousins!

    Really though, the only reason that my grandmother ever became a great-great-grandmother was because of that teen pregnancy.

    Should it bother me that my aunt is a great-grandmother?

  377. Guano Dubango Says:

    This is good then to be fertile in USA, no?

    I would like to find fertile female to bear me issue. Race is not important.

  378. Not A Lawyer Says:

    Guano – go to Georgia. Honey Boo Boo has 3 older sisters!

    JP – My son caught me watching Honey Boo Boo, and sat down with me. I have NEVER seen this kid laugh so hard in his life than when watching HBB.

    On credit, I have no idea. From what I can see, he charged $2000 – $4000 per month and consistently paid $600. That must have earned him enough trust from the bank to raise his limit. Then there’s the time he spent $4400 on World Series tickets – the bank must have assumed a guy that can afford that must be credit-worthy! No need to question how he pays his mortgages, car payments, insurance, child care, etc. He has a WIFE for that!

    Spur of the moment: Tickets, Hotels, Bar Tabs, Cruises. Oh, do not EVER include your wife in any of this. As a matter of fact, when she asks to be taken on a date, tell her no. Tell that you are so spent trying to get out of debt, that there’s no way you two can pay a sitter and go out for some expensive meal. Forget it.

    Bitter enough? You asked for it, JP!

  379. JP Says:


    “On credit, I have no idea. From what I can see, he charged $2000 – $4000 per month and consistently paid $600. That must have earned him enough trust from the bank to raise his limit.”

    This was probably what started his downward spiral. He may have expected his bank to be his surrogate NAL/sister/mother and was surprised when it raised his limit. This probably brought profound feelings of shame to the surface from his early childhood trauma.

    “Then there’s the time he spent $4400 on World Series tickets – the bank must have assumed a guy that can afford that must be credit-worthy!”

    At this stage, he had probably regressed into early childhood, where his secret desire to become a Major League ballplayer crashed against the hard shoals of reality when he was sent to play left field in second grade. It’s important for you to think about what the World Series symbolized for him, rather than viewing it as some kind of random expenditure.

    “No need to question how he pays his mortgages, car payments, insurance, child care, etc. He has a WIFE for that!”

    It’s pretty clear that he expected the bank to serve as kind of a “second wife”. He obviously expected them to help pay for all of these things because they were a good and noble financial institution and he though that they saw him as man struggling to get by in a cruel and unforgiving world.

    “Spur of the moment: Tickets, Hotels, Bar Tabs, Cruises. Oh, do not EVER include your wife in any of this.”

    Spending money on these things without you shows that he was *ashamed* of his high credit limit. He knew that you would disapprove of the expenditures, so he had to feed his addiction to enjoyable activities from you. I’ll bet if you think back on it, all of those times he spent crying in the bathroom late at night occurred immediately after these expenditures. He was clearly hurting.

    “As a matter of fact, when she asks to be taken on a date, tell her no. Tell that you are so spent trying to get out of debt, that there’s no way you two can pay a sitter and go out for some expensive meal. Forget it.”

    I think you need to look at this from Tony’s point of view. He was paying this credit card $600 a month every single month. When you approached him to take you out, he had probably already *been* out at events, bars, hotels, and cruises. This probably exhausted him, both mentally and physically. He was also simultaneously depressed because his credit limit was probably much smaller than it should have been, given his age, education, and experience.

    You were probably causing him to worry about what would happen if he ate out at an expensive restaurant. Having a heavy meal on top of all of the other food he was already eating at events, restaurants, bars, and cruises, would likely have caused him to become morbidly obese and look like a really fat version of Honey Boo Boo’s mother. So you really have to look at him not inviting you as an admission that he was afraid to get fat. He probably felt anticipatory shame and guilt as to how you would feel if he gained 300 more pounds.

    I hope my novice attempt at helping you to put Tony’s actions in their appropriate context has been helpful to you.

  380. Not A Lawyer Says:

    Laughing like a 5 year old watching Honey Boo Boo…..

  381. Wiki-Pig Says:

    NAL, you’re not alone.

    A fair number of men (and one woman, now 2 with NAL) have told me how stunned they were to discover that their spouses were not only having an affair, but bleeding the “community” dry while doing it.

    Bleeding the money, is like showing up “out in the open” with the other woman or man at a function where they know they’ll be seen: the sign that the thing was beyond fixing.

    The initial reaction to an affair is almost always denial, disbelief, shame, and isolation. An affair is bad enough, (“you’re not enough for me”).

    But the calculated decision to drain money off for it …to steal from the pot…is beyond emotional need. (“I couldn’t care less if I am running up bills you have to work weekends to pay”).

    Its a declaration that the cheater is ready to, how did one put it, “step on your neck while your face is in the mud,” for their benefit. That the cheater or spender had cut the rope to some anchor of expected behavior code. Now your working weekends to pay for stuff –stuff you didn’t eat, experience or derive the smallest benefit.

    Most reacted to this by adopting a temporary state of robotic life–a decision to proceed and protect the kids and the remainder of their earning power. Most were left with a new and real appreciation for how low some people can be, and a new found sense of how betrayal feels. and all were way more careful after that.

    One woman is paying her deadbeat ex a small fortune every month. I don’t tell her this, but its stolen life. The hours she has to work to pay for that ahole; the kids birthdays she can’t enjoy because she’s stressed. The nights as she falls asleep worrying about some bill that has to be paid.

    Cruises?! Cruises! unbelievable. All men at age 40 ought to want to be on dates, cruises and dinners with good red wine with their 29 year old wife.

    Not to worry: “Time wounds all heels.” Promise us you won’t be there to bail him out if he “needs it.” It won’t be the “decent thing,” it would be the doormat thing.

  382. JP Says:

    I’m more inclined to think that Tony’s having an actual mid-life crisis / idiot fratboy breakdown.

    Give him two years and he will be saying to himself…”why exactly did I run the credit cards to infinity and dump NAL”?

  383. Wiki-Pig Says:

    Maybe. But it sounds like his whole life has been a mid-life crisis, and from what I have seen, those ruptures are final on the “Tony” end, and ultimately on the NAL end too.

    When someone gets to the point of spending like that, while excluding his wife from all measure of fun while she is working, its something–contempt or maybe a total emotional void–that is like can’t be refilled or restarted.

    Sure he may wonder about it if he’s kicked out of the tramp’s home after being confused for an over sized golf ball. He may regret it when he is put to some trouble he could have avoided, and wish he had the youth, convenience ate that was the NAL meal ticket. But its not the same as emotionally believing that he blew it . If he did, he wouldn’t be in someone else’s house. He never would have said anything about replacing her when she hit 40 or 30, whatever it was.

    Her scar tissue will ultimately harden too, and whatever bitterness tinged with disbelief and regret she has now, the regret portion will fade. It takes time but it will.

    She’s under 30, employed, seems smart, funny, even tempered, and works out. She may stay single but it won’t be for lack of options. One day you pass that sports car in the lot, with its aging looks, dependency issues, and endless demands on your credit cards, and think (with apologies to the grammarians), “what in the hell did I ever drive that for?”

  384. JP Says:

    You know, I often forget that I’m 38, having spent most of my 20s basically withdrawn from life or in a generalized panic as a young associate billing hours.

  385. JP Says:

    Come to think of it, I really wish that I could get my life between 18 and 26 back being that I would have made completely different decisions during basically that entire time period.

  386. Wiki-Pig Says:

    Everyone says that but few would really risk the chance that that path not traveled might result is all kinds of awful consequences that you avoided up to now. Any good episode of the Twilight Zone Marathon played once a year should convince you of that.

  387. JP Says:

    No, I’m pretty sure a semi-constant depression, anxiety, social withdraw, and way too much computer game playing were not in my best interests.

    Most people spend college, you know, making friends, having fun, socializing, getting some enjoyment out of life etc.

    I tried law school as a solution, but that really didn’t solve anything.

    Of course, after law school, I solved my problem by getting married, becoming a law firm associate, and immediately having children.

  388. Anonymous Says:

    Correct me if im wrong but i think that this broad is mad b/c her man banged the bejeesus out of her bottom, spent her money and left her for fresher, less demanding pussy who gives him good head without the bewitching. Can’t blame his dame for being pissed off.

  389. Anonymous Says:

    Anonymous – exactly right. Except we never banged enough for my taste anyway, and the new p****y may be less demanding, but it isn’t fresher. That’s for sure. Yeah, I’m pissed, but I’m also relieved that it’s over. He spent my money because I make more than he does and felt jealous and insecure about that. I’m also significantly younger than he – that had to be blow to the ego.

    Pig – you are a wise one as always. Tony is a narcissist. He will never change. He’ll never look back and wish he’d done it differently. He’ll look back and still be mad that I got the house.

    JP – I knew guys like that in college. We called them the “potheads down the street” and they called us the “sorority b*tches down the street” (all in good fun – 2 of them actually ended up married). What fascinated me about their social life is that not only were they perfectly content to sit around and play video games, they actually attracted groups of people to sit around and watch them play video games. I never understood it! I also didn’t smoke what they were smoking though. I didn’t hang around for the video games, which explains why I never dated or married one of the potheads, which now makes me question that choice. Maybe I should have married a pothead.

    I did the social thing – it was the 18 year old equivalent of playing house, pretending we were grown-ups. Looking back, it was a lot of douchebaggary. You did the right thing, JP.

  390. Anonymous Says:

    NAL up there – I keep forgetting to add that on my new computer. Perhaps a sign that I should get back to work……

  391. Anonymous Says:

    “She’s under 30, employed, seems smart, funny, even tempered, and works out. ”

    Who, me? I’m 33 rapidly approaching 34. Rapidly.

  392. Wiki-Pig Says:

    “If only I’d….” You can’t think like that. The map you know does not apply to the “other path” you didn’t take.

    One guy in my law school class went with a group to Mexico after graduation and the bar exam. Fell while cliff climbing and died.

    A terrific woman in law school-all the guys just adored her–divorced a steady guy with a big firm and moved with a much more exciting guy in some entertainment business. The new guy shot her one night in an argument.

    One woman I could have married and I thought at times maybe I should have married, but who I didn’t chase, married someone else-and decided not to have kids. That could have been me and knowing what I know now about kids, that would have been a terrible mistake, and one it might have been impossible to undo.

    NAL, Ooops, sorry, 33 almost 34: same thing. A single woman in her 30′s, (who doesn’t say “fooey.”). Options limited only by time and the willpower not to eat ice cream every night. And you too…you got great kids out of it right? The lost Pothead may not have wanted kids.

  393. JP Says:

    Everybody around me here is younger than me. Which is pretty funny.

    We just hired another 30s year old DINK to replace a 33 year old DINK who moved on for more money. There’s a 28 year old DINK in the office next to me.

    One of the law offices in our region just imploded and is flinging out associates, so we picked him up I live in a strange world where an office with 10 attorneys is actually a significant law office.

    My problem was that when you start at a law firm, you are expected to have some basic skills like (1) time management, (2) the ability to produce work, (3) the ability to socially interact with people such that you can develop business.

    Being that when I was 26 I had the social maturity of a 15 year old and no actual habits that would enable me to do work, the result was not particularly pretty for either me or my wife. Even my friend, who had amazing work habits and the ability to mass-produce billable hours was thrown onto the scrapheap because he lacked the ability to bring in business.

    Ergo, my switch to law practice driven by TV advertising and no billable hours. The business flings itself at me.

    If you don’t experience some emotional and social growth toward maturity in college and law school the professional result will not be pretty. In law world, for the most part, you are either going to develop into partner material in 7 to 10 years or you will be tossed into the abyss where failed lawyers go.

  394. Wiki-Pig Says:

    JP, you seem to have the “smart person displacement syndrome”. It sounds like you were smarter than most of the kids you grew up with. So the connections you could have made with kids you knew were or women you could have dated were not enough to provide any growth. Hence video games–kind of emotional maintenance till you meet someone. You had to wait until college and by then, i bet you were studying hard?

    Sometimes emotional growth has to be deferred. My dad died when I was young, and although he may have made a decent salary then, things change fast (he had no life insurance, no savings). I too deferred, since I had little choice. Getting in and out of college and law school was a little more important to me than some who were funded well, and did it in comfort. You know: for them, it was easier. Less stressful. And they didn’t have to work in the summer.

    So I too showed up on day one with somewhat less of the casual grace and charm I like to think i have now.

  395. JP Says:

    Yes, apparently it’s best to challenge children so that they have to actually put forth effort rather than allow them to intellectually sandblast their student peers like they are soup crackers.

    I didn’t study in college or law school and rarely attended class or did anything else for that matter.

    I was just one of those people who got completely shredded (by about junior year) when I actually had to attend class/and or work. My GPA is one of the few GPAs that you will see where you start off doing wonderfully and then completely collapse by the end of college.

    Since I just had to review my transcript (to answer the “can I go to med school?” question) I can describe it to you. I started off not attending class and getting a 3.75. By last semester (in actual engineering classes), I was getting a 1.75, with multiple C’s, D’s, and F’s. It’s actually a straight line down from 3.75 to 1.75. Fortunately, it averaged to a 3.2 when I was applying to law school.

    I just got lucky that I was graduating into the dot-com boom and was able to grab a nice firm job. These days, with my bottom half of the law class grades, I would be in major trouble. (Maybe 40% percentile?)

    It was only in the past several years that I actually made the connection that you needed to put forth effort in order to accomplish things, that being the precise opposite of what my first 26 years taught me.

    My current motto is “Avoiding malpractice, one case at a time.”

  396. JP Says:

    Breaking News: Honey Boo Boo will *not* be able to keep her pet pig, Glitzy.

    Apparently, Mama is *not* happy with her family with respect to their failure to take care of the pig.

  397. Wiki-Pig Says:

    JP, perhaps you better help this guy: as of yesterday, his 2d lawyer has some explaining to do:

    “GILMAN, Circuit Judge:
    John McTiernan, a famous Hollywood movie director,
    hired former private investigator Anthony Pellicano in 2000
    to illegally wiretap the telephone conversations of two individuals.

    Six years later, when the FBI questioned
    McTiernan about Pellicano’s activities,
    McTiernan claimed that he knew nothing about any wiretapping.

    But the FBI had obtained a digital recording that Pellicano had made—
    unbeknownst to McTiernan—of a telephone conversation in which the two
    men discussed an illegal wiretap. Caught red-handed,
    McTiernan pleaded guilty to one count of making a material false
    statement to the FBI and was sentenced to four months in prison.

    Shortly thereafter, McTiernan engaged new counsel who
    convinced him to seek the withdrawal of his guilty plea,
    which the district court eventually allowed.

    McTiernan was indicted again, this time on two counts of making a material false statement to the FBI and on one count of making a false
    statement to the district court during his guilty-plea hearing.

    McTiernan then conditionally pleaded guilty to all three counts. He was
    sentenced to 12 months’ imprisonment and ordered to pay a
    $100,000 fine. For the reasons set forth below, we AFFIRM
    the judgment of the district court.”

  398. JP Says:

    A couple of weeks ago an ALJ was about to give me permission to treat my client as an adverse witness. It really was that bad.

    Clients do and say the darndest things!

  399. Banker Bill Says:

    WTF does “ergo” mean?

  400. Guano Dubango Says:

    Mr. Bill,

    It means “therefore” or “consequentially”

    In a sentence, I think about it like this:

    “I wish to marry an attractive and smart woman who will return with me to live in Ghana and bear me issue; ergo, the top quality American women are not attracted to me”.

    You, Banker Bill, may fare better than I, since you are a US Citizen who probably lives well here in the USA.

    I have high ambitions, a good bank account and professional training, yet I cannot find a woman in the USA who meets my standards who is interested in returning to my home country.

    This is what is called a Catch 22. If I could only catch a 22 year old beauty, I would be all set. Instead, I am left for the most part meeting mediocre women who are interested in me feeding them, much like water buffalo, with no interest in intelligent discussion and debate on the legal issues of the day.

    At least here, there are a few people who have intelligence and are capable of discussing the issues, albeit in a platonic forum. If you wish to participate, you are not turned away because of your beliefs or your nationality. Ergo, I return.

  401. Wiki-Pig Says:

    But if you’re looking for such a person, why are you here? Why not a dating site, a park with a dog or a want ad?

    And if top quality US women inexplicably do not want to go to Ghana, and bear little Guanos, while being bossed about by someone named Ooona, (women. go figure), why are you not looking in countries where your pitch might be more effective?

    You’ve been doing this for years: years! It has the same stale predictability as “confidential” emails from the “embarrassed but desperate” ” Nigerian with 35 million in a blocked account that only I can help him repatriate. The resort letters telling me i have “been chosen” for an “exclusive” offer of a free breakfast if only I’ll pay money to stay there for 3 days.

    I mean l would probably feel a void of some kind if you disappeared, but is this it?

  402. Ellen Says:

    Hello, I came BACK to visit and see what was Going on? It is the same PLUS some new guy, Banker Bill. I will check in again if there is news for me. FOOEY!

  403. JP Says:

    Pig, we’re apparently bored. I can tell because we’ve got Bill, Ellen, and The Ooonanator back on board.

    Can you tell us a story about how you grew from a Piglet as a 1L in law school to the powerful tusked wild Wiki-Pig that you are today?

    Any formative deposition experiences involving aged and somewhat incoherent parties?

    Any late night e-mail confrontations with co-defendants on how best to respond to a poorly drafted set of interrogatories that appeared to be irrelevant to the underlying causes of action?

    Mediations that went horribly wrong because no one thought to buy coffee?

  404. Not a Lawyer Says:

    I’m working on the national mortgage settlement – that $25B dollar deal where mortgage companies have to attest to do….well a lot of what they were told to do by the OCC consent order last year. It’s exciting stuff. And I’m still up working at 12:30am….zzzzzzz

  405. JP Says:

    Have you pointed out that maybe, just maybe, everyone shouldn’t have committed fraud up and down the food chain from the CEOs to the lying liars who lied about their income for the liar loans?

    Not that I have any complaints about everyone helping to make 2008 one of my best years in recent memory, given that it was a wonderful shorting opportunity, but for future reference….

    I had 12 hearings last week. That was unpleasant.

  406. Guano Dubango Says:

    What exactly does Not a Lawyer do for a living? It sounds like she is heavily involved in the mortgage litigation. She sounds quite enterprising, also, working late until the night. I am impressed.

  407. Not a Lawyer Says:

    I’m still not moving to Ghana to have your babies, Guano but thank you. The only reason I was up that late was that I took a break to take my kids to soccer practice, feed them, bathe them, put them to bed, have a glass of wine with my neighbor to vent about the evil faction of mean girls that exist in the snake-pit that is the local PTA, and re-start about 9:30pm. I am heavily involved in the mortgage litigation, but I’m not a lawyer….hence the name.

    The ever-charming Tony has a fan-club of 3 or so women in the PTA who have made it their full time job (because they don’t have a real one) to make my life miserable. I have no desire for revenge – just needed to vent.

    And since you asked, vent I will…..
    Appearantly they find it incredibly distasteful and “showy” that I would be wearing 4 inch heels and answering emails on my blackberry whilst standing outside the school before meet-the-teacher day (at 3PM!!) and the first-day-drop-off. Gosh – I wish I could just roll out of bed and squeeze my fat ass into some yoga pants, grab my $800 LV for a long hard hour of cutting paper in the volunteers’ lounge, (and gushing over the hot newly single dad) but I have a life to lead, children to feed, a mortgage to pay, and I’d like to retire one day after I give Tony everything I’ve ever worked for.

    Bleh. All better. Thanks for listening. I think I need a therapist.

  408. JP Says:


    It could be worse. You could be in a chronic state of anger/bitterness/depression. Apparently, that results in you screaming out in rage on a regular basis in the middle of the night. My wife’s currently wondering whether it’s safe for me to go scout camping with my son, given that I’m going to wake up the entire campsite with screams of absolute fury and expletive streams. I really need to get that fixed.

    You need to use the save everything, spend nothing until you dishoard all of your debt. That’s what I did with my law school loans and my mortgage. It’s a pain and it takes a few years, but then you don’t have to worry about the debt anymore.

  409. Wiki-Pig Says:

    was down in San Diego most of the week. Its a 2.5 hour drive, unless you feel compelled, as I do. to move into the No 1 lane and do 80 while watching for the CHP. This shaves about 30 to 45 minutes off the time so it really makes no sense, but I cannot stand going slow in in another lane while people shoot by me.

    About 6 similar minded cars get in a group and so I feel my chances of being picked off by the CHP is less. Like pilot fish we all do about 80 all the way down, slowing only when some geezer in a Buick or van doing 65 takes time to move over. You’d think they are entitled to do the speed limit or something.

    The nuclear reactor cooling towers at San Onofre really do look like 2 large breasts. Check it out on Google some time. The Marine base at Camp Pendelton always has a war game or jet fighters to see. It must unnerve foreign tourists, since it looks like a coup is being planned.

    Having still not passed a Chick Fil A, I succumbed to terrible impulses and ate a small pizza on the way back. Bad Pig!

    NAl, I sympathize re the non-working PTA types. Always felt they looked down on those who did. On me too since they were often married to Trust Fund dads who had a trust income and the dads “worked” in the least demanding way. I always felt pressured taking time away from work to be there. A subtle pressure to get back to work. It often made it hard to enjoy the time 100%. The former Mrs. Pig had the same reaction. They non working moms would spend their days debating whether to use baby blue or buffalo brown coffee mugs at a fundraiser. FYI, my impression is that many kids do not profit in such families. Its hard to say why, but the parents seem to treat kids like something that is to be polished up and brought out for show, as opposed to an indivisible part of the family.

    I have a mild but visceral contempt for Tony’s group of adoring PTA moms. They triangulate life based on who is “ahead” or behind as they see it. If it were me I’d be inclined to “confide” in one that you are so distracted and pushed for time because “I’m cramming all my sex into noon time rendevous, and the sex is really hot with this guy, but going to hotels is just killing the work day.” They’ll all repeat it of course and be jealous.

  410. Not A Lawyer Says:

    I was thinking of starting a rumor that Tony has herpes.

  411. JP Says:

    Uh, won’t that just make people think that you have herpes?

  412. Not A Lawyer Says:

    Shoot – good point. Wasn’t thinking about my own love life. Perhaps it is time to go on a date with the pool guy’s guy. Turns out he’s a fireman, so he’s probably hot. That’ll show them!

    And yeah JP you should have that little sleep disorder looked at. Or you can just keep doing it and tell her that the only solution is for you get a Harvard MBA. Or you could just type your screaming rages in this comment stream like I do. It really does help.

    I actually don’t have any debt except my mortgage. The cards (which I will have to pay half of) are all in Tony’s name only. My car is paid for, and I don’t use credit much. The interest I pay on it serves as a tax shield for me now, and I don’t have a lot of extra cash, so I just make the regular payment.

    Funny you mention that, Pig. Prior to finding out WHAT these monsters were actually saying about me, I’d made the obligatory small talk with them about the kiddos. One has her sons in catalog modeling. One insists that her kid play “club” soccer rather than the local youth association because, and these are her exact words, “If he’s going to play anyway, he should at least get a scholarship out of it.” The kid she is speaking of is in KINDERGARTEN. And then she proceeds to complain about the $1000 a semester club fees. And by “complain” I mean I think she just wants me to know that her husband can afford it.

    Anyway, the nastiest one happens to be a tall, blond, single mom (who for some unexplained reason always always always wears a tube top. Like every day). At first I thought maybe she was threatened by the new not-quite-as-tall but blonder, younger, more successful and bigger boobed single mom on the scene, so I tried to befriend her. I’m very much a girls girl, and not competitive with other women, so was confused when she was so standoffish to me. I didn’t think much of it until I found out some of the things she was saying, and saw her gushing to Tony at meet the teacher last week. THEN I got it. Oh. I see.

    She and her friends were laughing at my attempt to be her friend the whole time. It’s unbelivably humiliating. I really do need a therapist. This is getting bananas.

  413. JP Says:

    The other attorney in my office actually whacks his girlfriends in his sleep. I think it’s a lawyer stress thing.

    You sound like you’re living in an episode of GCB. Now that show died a quick death, didn’t it?

    What I think that your new best friend needs is to get together with Tony. Specifically, they need to open a joint credit card. Preferably two. Or five.

  414. Wiki-Pig Says:

    “And by “complain” I mean I think she just wants me to know that her husband can afford it.”

    It was the same: the woman who told me that “thank god the Trust pays for tuition” expecting that of course, I would be impressed, and confess like an honest but trustless person that “wow I wish I had one of those.”

    Better to sigh slowly and say that Tony was always anxious to have sex, yes that wasn’t the problem but, he was limp a lot or came awfully fast, or was somehow inept. Nothing will dull the luster faster on that guy.

    PS: I can only wonder what the T man has been saying about you.

    PPS: The mean ones do not have a good home life: the nice ones do; be nice to all of them, since your kids are in the mix. Sooner or later they will come around, go into rehab or their own marriage will implode .

  415. JP Says:

    Wow Wiki-Pig! You are truly like an online encyclopedia!

  416. Wiki-Pig Says:

    What did I do? You have all the good advice–opening a joint credit card being the best.

    But now we have another duel! NAL v Tony was one and we know where we stand on that one.

    Now we have TTB (tall, tube-top blonde) v. YBWBB (younger blonde with better breasts). I’m sure we’ll have Banker Bill, Ellen and what not back for the next episode. I am dying to get the play by play on this one!

  417. Not a Lawyer Says:

    TTB is named Jennifer. Natch.

    I have been and will be very nice – though I will not be anywhere near these women unless it’s totally unavoidable. Now – what do i do about facebook? If I “unfriend” her, it’s passive aggressive and may start a war. If I don’t I have to look at her stupid pictures of her in her stupid tube tops clogging my news feed.

    YBWBB is way hotter than TTB. Way. The sad thing is – I don’t think Tony will go for her. He doesn’t deserve to do better, but he can.

    Now, where can I post said tube top pictures so that you can all have the full visual effect?

  418. Banker Bill Says:

    This is an encounter session. Let me add my thoughts:

    I think “Not a Lawyer” is depressed because this Tony did her wrong and she regrets not being able to turn back the clock when they were together. The lack of sex probably is causing her to suffer withdrawal symptoms. As a result she is looking to the pool guy’s friend and a fireman to “hose her”.

    I think if she was getting “hosed” regularly, by the fireman or the pool guy, she would not have time to lament on this website.

    I haven’t figured out the guys here. They too are living out some sort of fantasy with Not a Lawyer, as they would be doing better things with their fingers with their spouses, if they let them, but since they don’t, their fingers are busy tapping away seeking the approval of Not a Lawyer, a female that does listen to them. How am I doing, fellas?

  419. JP Says:

    Yes, Bill, you hit the nail on the head. We’re clearly living out a fantasy with Not A Lawyer.

    I will admit, however, to wanting to try out NAL’s job in banking compliance.

    I’m still waiting for Pig’s story about how he grew from a little 0L Piglet into the massive Wiki-Pig Tusked Legal force that he is today.

  420. JP Says:

    Re: Posting a photograph online.

    The two best ways I know of doing this are offering her for sale on either ebay or Craisglist.

    While I was a patent attorney, I realized that the best way to get a document into the permanent bureaucratic record was to submit it to the patent office. I figured you could do this with any information that you wanted to keep both public and secure for a small fee. It would remain there forever. Got written proof of child molestation? Submit it to the patent office. Being extorted? Simply record the call, make a transcript, and submit it to the patent office!

  421. Not A Lawyer Says:

    I wish I had recorded Tony yelling at me in fronty of the kids yesterday.

    Work – since I made the switch from ultra big bank to another ultra big bank, I am much much happier. Most of my banking experience is on the mortgage side (I know I know – which explains my rapid vertical growth: look at the competition) so it’s good to be back where I can really make a difference. My life until October revolves around the 314 pages of that settlement and whacking people over the heads until they comply with it. I’m very happy, busy, challenged. It’s a nice distraction from the personal drama.

    Banker – a fireman would cheer me up immensely. I’m sure of it.

    Come on Wiki-Pig. Tell us a story!

  422. JP Says:

    In comparison, I’m professionally unhappy, very busy doing things I have no interest in actually doing, but otherwise bored of of my skull.

    As my friends point out to me :”But you have what 90% of people want!”. This would be true if I had the slightest interest in actually being a lawyer or living in suburbia.

    If I weren’t absolutely bored out of my skull (and disorganized to boot), I would probably be happier.

    However, I did just get a nice 15% raise, so I’m finally making more than what I made in 2000 when I first got out of law school. That should make me feel better about working this weekend.

    I’m going to serve a complaint today. That will also make me feel better since my client will stop calling me about it. This isn’t a client who is going homeless (unlike some of my others), so It’s really just about the money.

    I actually trace my problem with spending my early 20′s randomly attending school and then picking law out of the job vending machine because I otherwise had no idea what to go do with myself.

    I also think I’m going to work on my organization.

  423. Wiki-Pig Says:

    Banker Bill:
    NAL/JP are fun people with interesting personal anecdotes. The “reverse midas” spouse, the PTA dragon lady… JP’s ongoing jujitsu with his job, his pride in it, and his morose assessment of it other times, and his historical speeches. Plus I don’t have to do this at a bar! So I save money, time and calories, not to mention valet fees and a potential DUI on the way home. If California finds out they’ll probably tax me on imputed drinks. My current female interests don’t work here, so I can’t very well fondle them between 830 and 6 can I?

    Come and hang out with us. We don’t want you to be the man at the bar adding comments from the side. We even planned on inviting you to the luxury dinner with seven butlers, Wolfschmidt pre WWI vodka, and a rented Rolls to pick you up. We might get NAL to invite TTB for you to talk to, but we are better company.

  424. Wiki-Pig Says:

    JP, there is nothing remotely interesting about me.

    Came from a small town where I worked after high school in a local road repair department truck fueling and repair facility. I did the lavatory cleaning, truck fueling and so on. No European tour. I fell asleep one night and forgot to do some of my work. The tough guys who worked there, some of whom were semi-disabled vets, and some of whom teased me about being a “college boy,” did it for me and never said a word.

    I took the LSAT in another small town I had to get to by bus.

    Flew into California for law school without ever having been here. I was not exactly flush with cash. I asked the cab driver to “take me to” the school where the law school was, wrongly assuming it was easy to find. The curr took me at my word and I wandered about for hours trying to find first the school, then an apartment. I didn’t know this place was so big.

    Had never seen a Rolls before. When people said “let’s do lunch” I said “When?”

    A lot of classmates had fairly well off parents, and I am sure I must have been accepted as part of a “small & obscure town” diversity program.

    Got a job with a good firm but left to found this one with fellow big firm refugees.

    With enough money, time, a copy of “Being Sophisticated for Dummies” and understanding women, any bumpkin can morph into a fair facsimile of a lawyer.

  425. Not a Lawyer Says:

    I ran 11 miles this morning, vented to my running buddies, and feel better already. The best revenge is living well, so the revenge diet starts today. I’ll also need to acquire a hot boyfriend just to cheer myself up.

    The pool guy has shared my picture with hot fireman and he appearantly gave it the thumbs up. Though he warned me, “This isn’t the guy you want to marry. He’s 37. Never married. No kids.” I told him I already married that guy anyway.

    If I have to run into Tube Top every Saturday on the soccer/T-ball/Volleyball circuit, at least I’ll look amazing. Every. Single. Time.

  426. JP Says:

    Except that you will be like my FIL when you are older with shot knees from too much running.

    I actually stopped running after high school (having done track and cross-country for several years) when I realized “hey, this is really hard on my knees”.

  427. JP Says:

    I’m not recommending not exercising.

    Have you considered distance swimming rather than distance running? Much better on the joints.

  428. Guano Dubango Says:

    Hello, I am back. Any takers for me yet? I will consider all attractive females between the ages of 19 and 32 years old who wish to marry and bear me issue in Ghana. All expenses paid.

  429. Wiki-Pig Says:

    good idea. Eat well, live well, date well, stay classy and be as nice as you can without being a doormat to the snarky TTB. (Who needs other parents being mean to your kids?).

    careful about recording the T man: Texas may be a one party consent state (one party to a conversation may consent to its recording), but its often a tricky issue. There may be exceptions, and one of your lawyer buddies would know. I always thought the best way was to accidentally on purpose leave a camera in rec mode when my ex came into a room, and claim i was recording the kids and “forgot” to turn it off. But California is a “all party” consent state so I let it go.

    JP: you’re right again; don’t run on concrete!

    Guano maybe if you took up running….

  430. JP Says:

    I’m currently faced with the need to start exercising again. I’d like to run, but I know that I would blast my knees into oblivion.

    I despise swimming, so I may just do some light running.

    If not, I’m asking for a long life of discomfort as I approach 40.

  431. Wiki-Pig Says:

    Do stairs or get surgery!

  432. JP Says:

    Sadly, I’m not morbidly obese, so I don’t need surgery.

    I honestly only weigh 195 on a 6’0″ frame.

    But I need some way to relieve stress and gain some physical conditioning.

  433. Wiki-Pig Says:

    torrid sex is always good for stress relief, but a week off with no emails is good too. You can feel stress flow out of your body on the 2d day. Park yourself on a beach and do nothing for a week.

    you’re right about avoiding the high impact stuff. I see people with knees out, lower backs causing them pain. operations, steroid shots. Ugh. Knee surgery is for all kinds of simple tears in the meniscus so if you haven’t had it before (my little brother has had it 4 times), it could put you back as a runner.

    Stairs at least work your lower body, get you compliments on your ass, and you’ll know soon enough if you have a heart condition, since you’ll just die there or soon afterward if you’re a risk.

    Have a good weekend. I am out of the office for rest of today!

  434. JP Says:

    I’m in the office again. Kids are in bed with grandma. Wife’s at her fun play restaurant job seeing if she can get another photo with a movie star to post on facebook. Last one was Will Farrell.

    The last thing on God’s Green Earth I’m interested in is having a nice ass.

    Not having a stroke like my father at age 50 and becoming totally disabled?

    That’s extremely high on my priority list.

  435. Guano DubangoI Says:

    I am still in shape and am looking for a shapely woman interested in physical fitness who is spontaneous in the bedroom. Race not important.

  436. Not a Lawyer Says:

    Guano I have a woman for you. Her name is jennifer and she likes to wear tube tops. She’s 36 though.

    I read once that if you truly want to run for life, regular runs should be at 2 minutes slower than your “race pace.” So I run distance, but not fast unless it’s a race. No knee problems this far, but I have broken a toe and my feet are terribly ugly. Between runs I do Bodypump classes and the occaisional Yoga for a good stretch if nothing else.

    Swimming is a great idea JP, but you may find a lot of fun and motivation in a team or social sport. I joined a softball team for people who suck at softball, and it’s a blast. What mitigates the risk of stroke? Keeping the BP down, the sodium down, cardio excercise I’m guessing. I could be wrong, but I’m too lazy to google it.

  437. JP Says:

    I should play softball. Being that I can actually play softball. Well, baseball.
    The one team sport I ever played.

    My dad had some sort of blood clotting problem. I need to check on that to figure it out.

  438. Guano Dubango Says:

    Not a Lawyer. Jennifer sounds interesting. Is Jennifer at all interested in bearing issue?

  439. Wiki-Pig Says:

    JP, what did your dad do for a living? Did he exercise? Smoke? And did he eat a lot of fatty foods?

    I push you to do stairs because:

    (1) its great lower body exercise;

    (2), you don’t have to hurry–even going slow burns calories like mad;

    (3) you can do it anywhere there are a lot of steep stairs;

    (4), although I would EVER deliberately stare at a woman’s toned and tanned thighs and ass as she passes me and moves up ahead on the stairs, and I would avert my eyes if I could, I am left with no choice, since they are right in my line of sight=great motivation to do more more stairs (softball, not so much).

    Oh, and it does give you a great ass and women will say so. And didn’t Ben FRanklin or shakespeare say something like “He with a great ass, shall normally attract the fetching lass.”?

    Stairs are cheaper than doctors: doing steps, sweating like a road worker in 85 degree heat and not dying, I probably don’t need a checkup. If I collapse and die, I’ve saved the expense of a check up. A win-win as I see it.

  440. JP Says:

    He was an obese school superintendent who ate a lot of fatty foods and was dating a woman who ate a lot of fatty foods. His school board had turned against him and he was under stress. The stroke solved his stress problem, although he immediately sued the school district. That was amusing.

    Anyhow, I live in no steep stairs world.

    We have piers, which are like steep stairs except they are completely flat. Which makes them absolutely useless. I can dig holes in the sandy soil for fun, except that’s only fun for elementary school kids, like my kids. They make wonderful holes in our yard.

    I’m good at getting heat exhaustion, so I’m going to avoid the sweating in 85 degree heat.

    I think I’m going to eat some cookies and try to become morbidly obese.

  441. Banker Bill Says:

    Poor sumbeeotch.

    I am doing my best not to become the fat doosh with the balding head that so many of my co=workers are becoming. For now, I am content being only 7 lbs overweight (by the unforgiving BMI scale), which does not factor in that as you get older, you pack on a few lbs. If only I were 25 again, I would be 25 lbs less, and would still be banging some of the cute college girls (who now must also be porking out a bit themselves).

    The rule is: Eat less and exercise more. Also drink a lot of water. No magic here.

  442. JP Says:

    My *real* concern is that I’m going to live a very long time like my just recently passed away 99 year old grandmother (her 90th birthday party was fun – really, it was entertaining). My grandfather, on the other hand, drank and smoked himself into an early grave. Since I don’t smoke and I rarely drink, that’s not going to be an issue.

  443. Not A Lawyer Says:

    Aww – JP that sounds so depressing, but when I think about it, I don’t know if I want to hang around that long either. I’d like to be old enough to have seen it all and done it all, and young enough to still leave my kids and grandkids a lot of money. My grandpa is 90 – he’s outlived 2 wives and a daughter (my mother) and drives a porcshe.

    I will face off with tube top this weekend as we are BOTH coaching our daughters’ teams in a tournament. I need to find the classiest, yet sexiest coaching outfit I can possibly find. I already have an edge on her on the looks and ass, but she is always very coiffed and made-up and bedazzled in crosses like a GCB should be. So I need to step it up without bedazzling. I went 1 shade lighter on hair already and re-stocked my spray tan. It’s ON, Tube Top.

  444. Wiki-Pig Says:

    JP, you probably will live a long time so prepare. You won’t feel that way then.

    Few if any old geezers seem to want to die. They seem to want to hang on ,to see the last beautiful sunset, hear the laughter of children and if they are men, the hot chick that might occasionally stray into a nursing home to see a relative.

    In every natural disaster, geezers insist on their “right” to live, even before younger, fertile people with some chance of procreating. Do you think old people on the Titanic stood back? No way.

    I remember when I was a very young pig, being taken along to see a fading relative. I remember all the old people looking at all the visitors. Sucking up their energy, remembering their carefree existence before pain, lack of mobility etc. But depressing at it sounds, none of then hurried off to die.

    Maybe we’ll all be in the same retirement home! After we’ve gummed our food, asked for chick fil A, cackled about tony and agreed that NAl always had better breasts than Tube Top (and now a better ass too!), we’ll hear it…down the hall…..distinctly…..”fooey!”

  445. JP Says:

    I also figure that exercise will help me to stop hating life, with my secondary goal to be to reduce the number of days where I’m angry, bitter, and depressed. I’m first aiming to reduce that number from seven days a week to six days a week. Hopefully, I’ll be down to five by 2016 or so.

    So, there’s that too.

    I know I can make progress.

    I had two hearings today where I told the clients, “the judge doesn’t like people, so you can expect to be denied.” Since this was the second time in from of the same judge for the first guy, he was quite understanding. These people are going to end up with $100,000 benefit checks by the time I’m finished with the cases because of the judge. Last time I was in federal court, I think I ended up getting the client $120,000 in lump sum benefits. It’s a bizarre system.

    I’m going to design an exoskeleton that will enable me to remain mobile until I’m near death. I want an old person suitcase that will transform into a suit like Iron Man had in the movie. It will have that distinct “old person smell” to keep all of the youngsters away from it.

    Instead of energy blasts, it will dispense fixodent. That will make me the most popular person in the retirement home.

  446. Wiki-Pig Says:

    You’re just a bundle of joy today JP. Cut it out. You have a long and miserable future as a married man, or a nearly insolvent and less stable one as a divorced one.

    People have it way tougher than you: vets are coming home with no legs, people are losing their jobs, new lawyers can’t get a job, and Ellen’s alleged admirers can’t get one from her either.

    Lindsay Lohan has been kicked out of a swanky hotel with a 46,000 unpaid bill, and told not to come back. NAL is fighting juiceless, tube topped mom’s, and I once lost a hot date because I hesitated to agree with her that Farenheit 9-11 was a great movie.

    You have a important job, great people to talk to on this site, all the chick fil a one could want, and you are helping people to get money from the Man.

  447. Wiki-Pig Says:

    So I have a question: there is this woman down the hall. I am inclined to make a pass at her. Initial Q is should it do this at work?

  448. JP Says:

    Initial Q – Does she think that Farenhiet 9-11 is a great movie?

    How can any of us give you any adivce if we don’t know anything about this woman except that she works “down the hall”.

    The people with no legs get benefits easily. I have to deal with the PTSD cases when they come home. I recently got told that I was horrible to women because I insisted on asking questions about alcohol use and I made the client have flashbacks. HELLO – They won’t give you benefits if they think you are going to spend it on bottles of Jack Daniels. No, I really wanted to be mean and horrible to your daughter because I hate women. It had nothing to do with the extensive rehab records in the file that the judge has in his possession and will actually read and ask your daughter about. And yes, she actually has to talk at the hearing. She can’t just sit outside and wait.

  449. Wiki-Pig Says:

    Well, i wasn’t sure if it depended on her looks, personality or politics. But I am craftier now, and will respond to such questions by praising the cinematic genius of a detested director. Date then thinks I am some kind of lawyer-artiste and above politics. See? So what is the answer?

    That sounds a lot like criminal lawyers I talk to: they tear their hair out over the gap between what they think is obvious and what their clients think.

    Hey, if come in with my alcohol records, can i get $100,000 too?

  450. JP Says:

    I was more interested in whether she was your employee. I was thinking harassment.

  451. Not A Lawyer Says:

    I never saw Farenheit 9-11 – did I miss something?

    JP it sounds like you need a vacation.

    According to my sister-in-law, an NP, retirement homes are hotbed of activity, scandal, and STDs. Not even joking. It ain’t your fixodent that’ll make you the most popular guy if you know what I mean.

    Pig – hitting on the woman down the hall. Hm, there’s a fine line between flattering and creepy. Tread carefully my friend.

    Went running and to lunch with a friend/collegue that I’ve known at least 10 years. He was at my wedding. He sat next to me while I bitched and moaned through a summer pregnancy, known as the summer of the cankles. He convinced me to do the Tough Mudder to boost my confidence when Tony first left. He’s that kind of friend. He’s a handsome, fun guy who I’m just not really attracted to. He’s also banged several of my friends. And the other day, he made his move. Now he’s creepy.

  452. Wiki-Pig Says:

    OK, you guys win. Scratch the idea of approaching the woman down the hall. Good advice. Thanks.

    Can’t wait now for the retirement home reality show. “Grabby Geezers.” Ugh.

    NAL; that has to be weird: its like you’ve got a sign on your back. “Single: Act Now!”

    Another earthquake last night. A small one located less than 15 miles away, so the jolt was sharper than usual. That’s the second or third one in month. I hope the plates are just letting off pressure.

  453. Not A Lawyer Says:

    No! I’m just saying don’t be creepy! Make it seem totally natural. You have to “happen” to be in the same elevator with her, or in line for coffee when you suddenly notice her.

    Go for it Pig. Be friendly. Just don’t be creepy. I didn’t mean to discourage you.

  454. Harold Says:

    Go right up to the woman and be a man. Women appreciate directness, particularly if you are not a mess. Tell them what you want and see what they say. It cannot be worse than getting no where being reserved. I am sure NAL was not attracted to her EX because he was a wall flower!

  455. JP Says:

    What I need is a vacation from myself. No matter where I go, there I am! Also a career that is somewhat interesting or appealing to me. That might help. And friends. See below for details on that one.

    NAL: I don’t think that the problem is that he’s creepy. I think that problem is that he’s a hetrosexual man who, like many men, likes to have sex with women. Unfortunately for you, you are, in fact a woman.
    At least he didn’t hit on you when you were with Tony.

    My problem in life was the opposite of yours. My women friends would decide to date me. This generally turned out badly given that I had to talk myself into dating them. The only saving grace was that I was convinced that you were never supposed to have sex with women unless you were married to them, so at least I avoided that particular entanglement.

    Also, since I live in my wife’s hometown and I have approximately zero friends here and work all the time, I am not in a position to come off as creepy.

    Pig: I need to know if she is a paralegal, associate, or what. That’s the relevant info! There are different strategies that work for partners, associates, paralegals, secretaries, or copy girls.

  456. JP Says:

    And of course I have friends. They just happen to be not within driving distance. Also, I never really figured out how to make new friends when you are married with children. That’s been a bizarre one.

    In fact one of my closest attorney friends is in a wonderful attorney-paralegal marriage. Although one of the other

  457. JP Says:

    one of the other attorneys I know (an income partner) tried a partner – associate relationship, which got the associate canned.

  458. Wiki-Pig Says:

    No, no, JP, your initial reaction was right: this is idiotic as I am a P and she is not. Flashing red light etc. I may see if I can accidentally on purpose run into her outside work but odds are 50% or better that its trouble down the road.

    I think you are right in calling that guy for NAL: its dammed if you do and regrets the rest of your life if you don’t. If he hadn’t made a pass, he’d be kicking himself a year from now. he probably always harbored a sexual attraction for her don;t you think? I can see how she feels though: it must be unsettling to say the least to see the “Fresh meat” sign come on when you walk into a room.

    Gee Harold, I haven’t been called a milquetoast in a while: I may have to go into therapy clutching some tofu. Anyway, thanks a lot for telling me what I already know, at least as to venues outside work.

    But something is telling me–call it intuition, inhibition or the EEOC– that the usual “at a bar” approach might be a bit over the top here. At work you’ve got to be a bit more oblique and given the disparity in P versus associate, way more subtle and non-creepy. anyway, I am nixing it. Thanks though. I’ll man up from now on.

  459. JP Says:

    You should be ok if she just spontaneously flings herself at you. That’s how I got one of my college girlfriends (who’s current a BigLaw associate).

    So, just hang out in her dorm room until she decides to fling herself at you.

    Oh, wait. You can’t do that because you’re not in college.


    Try hanging out near the copier and see if she asks you to feel her breast implants (yes, one of the female no longer at the firm assistants actually did that to the attorneys here).

  460. Wiki-Pig Says:

    Guano, ask JP who the assistant at the copier was!

  461. Anonymous Says:

    He said something along the lines of, “You’re so hot. I was so pissed when you married that guy.” Charming.

    JP has some wild stories! Let’s hear it. Spill the beans, JP.

  462. Not a Lawyer Says:

    That’s me above. Darn computer.

  463. JP Says:

    My first college roommate (in the honors dorm) had already been arrested for a breaking and entering felony for trying to knock over the local liquor store. He was found out because he was too drunk to remember to move his car from where it was located. The first thing he did when he moved into the dorm was to divide the room in half placing his desk in the dead center of the room. He subsequently got drunk most of the time, ripped open the window from the outside and pissed all over the hall in front of the door. People who walked through the dorm in their bare feet to go to the shower commented on how sticky the floor was. He had also apparently previously nearly killed his girlfriend because because they were playing a strangulation sex game. That’s the back story.

    Anyhow a couple of semesters later, after he served his time in jail and calmed down a bit, he got drunk one night and took a samurai sword from my friend’s room. He proceeded to start attacking various parts of the dorm. He sliced up the elevator, cutting a flourescent bulb and stuffed it into his back pocket. He wandered out the front door of the dorm welding the sword. People ran away to a safe distance to watch.

    He attacked trees. He attacked posts. He attacked the card reader to get into the dorm by slicing the sword through it where you would put the card.

    Naturally the police were called and we had to explain what had happened with respect to the fiasco. He was banned from the dorms after that and had to leave school for a semester.

    One time, we took him to Atlantic City…

    Your turn for stories…

  464. Guano Dubango Says:

    Hello, I would never engage in sex with a woman at the copier. I need to know the woman mentally before I go downstairs for dessert! I have already come to know NAL already just from her postings.

  465. Harold Says:

    Guano, something tells me that NAL is already getting it from somebody. NAL, are you? Please dish so Guano can find some other outlet for his member. Of.course if your not Guano seems eager to fill that void for you.

  466. Not a Lawyer Says:

    I’m not but I have no interest in Guano or anyone from the internet.

    I want to hear what heppened in Atlantic City! I’ve been there once for a conference – it’s waaaay dodgier than it seems!

    I tell my stories all of the time. The “friend” that wants to bang me, the hot fireman hasn’t called, but oh! My daughter’s team (which I coach) faced off today in the 3rd round of playoffs against Tube Top’s daughter’s team (which she assistant coaches). We stomped their asses of course. And I achieved my mission of looking better han her in black spandex, big hair, and full make-up. This is a big deal because I waffled over wearing “sporty” attire or going for “sexy coach” style.

    Poor Tony couldn’t pick a side to sit on without pissing off Tube Top or his daughter, so he sat at the end of the court the whole time. Tube Top called a few time-outs and was just in general a sour-grapes kind of coach. At the end, I instructed my girls to go over to the other team and tell them all that they played a great game.

    When it was all said and done, we won 1st place in the tournament, Tony congratulated us, and went to Tube Top’s house to console her.

    There are no winners here.

  467. JP Says:

    The internet is unbreakable transparent glass.

    I got bored and posted on my blog.

  468. Guano Dubango Says:

    But I am disease free, have a job, and a 5000 acre estate just outside of Accra. Why is it that women are not interested in me?

  469. Wiki-Pig Says:

    NAl you were the winner: people there, unseen by you, moved their invisible chips onto your square and away from tube tops and Tony’s pathetic square. “She seems nice.” “That was classy telling her team to congratulate the other team.” etc. Your daughter was too: “your mom is nice, not a crab like the Tube Top.” Hands down a plus day.

    Thanks for including the Tony predicament: that’s a movie scene if ever there was one. Even though you harbor some inexplicable residual affection for the over age, cheating, scumbag, leach, we have not formed an opinion of him, and just take it all in.

    Went to the beach with kids. The ocean is warm enough, and everyone on the beach is relaxed. People ride by in ridiculous contraptions–bikes made up as stair masters etc., and endless joggers.

    The ex Mrs. Pig showed up alone on the same stretch of beach, and proceeded to down a couple of vodkas. She drinks during the day, whereas stiff that I am, I rarely do. That is problematic, since I become cheerful and make jokes when i get toasted, whereas she gets abusive or morose and then drinks more. But she behaved.

    There was a chili competition, so we all tried the varying brands. “The Best of Texas” was the best I thought, but it lost out to underhanded people handing out free mai tais with their chili.

    All the time I have this ex wife meandering about. Weird.

    Guano, Prince Charles can make most of the same claims, and no one is interested in him either. I am not sure but i think the part about moving to Ghana is a deal breaker.

  470. Guano Dubango Says:

    I believe you are right. If only I did not have this obligation to return to Ghana. But I cannot abandon my family and my Aunt Ooona who is managing the compound for the family until I am able to return with a bride to bear issue. I am always up front on such matters. I do not want a woman to fall in love with me and then have me tell her about returning to Ghana. That is why I bring this up at the forefront. To ensure full disclosure that 1) she needs to bear me issue and 2) we must return to my homeland. I also make clear that she will live in opulence, by any standards. Why is this not enough?

  471. Not A Lawyer Says:

    I wish that were the case, Pig. My life and dramas are truly resembling an episode of GCB right now. The tension seems to be escalating, even though I’ve not said a word to anyone involved.

    I saw Tony looking hungover as hell at a soccer game on Sunday. His only words to me were, “She doesn’t even care about winning that game yesterday. No one does.” Tube Top is toxic AND spending time with my children. This is a problem.

    Just a coincidence, Pig? Or do you guys live in close proximity? A beach and a couple of vodkas sound pretty appealing to me right now – though not alone. That’s no fun.

    Guano – what is the problem with a Ghanian bride? Doesn’t that seem easier? I doubt JP or Pig are interested in marrying you. I doubt Ellen is female. Why do you keep asking in this forum?

  472. JP Says:

    !!!!!Breaking Celebrity News!!!!!

    We interrupt this episode of GCB here at for important breaking news.

    Miley Cyrus has dyed her hair some sort of blond and cut it in the shape of something resembling a mohawk and has now been accused of nightclub violence.

  473. Not a Lawyer Says:

    Holy Hannah Montana – that hair is butch. AND she’s going to marry Gale from Hunger Games! What is this world coming to? How old is she? Like 19?

  474. Wiki pig Says:

    In meetings today wearing jeans and running shoes. The reaction when you’re out of uniform is always an experience. “is he the copier repair guy?”.

    Nal I am so sorry about the exposure of your kids to the bitter bitch. I had to grit my teeth too when my ex originally hooked up with a toxic guy, as it makes the kids go on the defensive for their parent, and you’d think she’d have enough sense to avoid this area entirely. Ugh. But the kids tough it out well. But they will resent tony for putting them in that position. Really. Just be yourself. The kids will llove you more for it.

  475. Not a Lawyer Says:

    Working on it, Pig, working on it. Thanks for the encouragement. I’ve asked Tony to go to counseling with me for co-parenting help. The much-awaited social study is finally on the horizon.

    I can’t blame everything entirely on her. She gets her information from Tony – of course she thinks I’m a horrible selfish witch who threw poor sweet handsome Tony out of his own home. That’s what he tells her. For her to wage PTA war against me and blackball me from the carnival is a little nutso, but Tony likes passionate girls. I’m sure he encourages it.

    My kids are unfortunately aware that, “Mommy and Miss Jennifer don’t like each other.”

    And she hasn’t blackballed me entirley – I was still selected for the distinct honor of being “Kindergarten Room Mom” despite her attempts. And though I don’t have time between Soccer/Volleyball/Baseball/Soccer and SVP’ing, I accepted. I’ll sleep when I’m dead. And it’ll be worth it to give her a sweet smile and wave that says, “Nice try. God Bless.”

    I got a funny reaction while walking out of a meeting the other day with my colleagues who are, for the most part, “the suits”. A guy in a credit card call center flagged me down and asked for help sending a fax….assuming that the only female walking with the suits must be somebody’s secretary.

    How the F should I know? And who on earth sends FAXES these days?

    Bernake has pledged to buy mortgage backed securities at a rate of $40B per month. What. A. Day.

  476. Guano Dubango Says:

    It is important for the strengthening of the royal bloodline that I marry a Caucasian. Over the years, the Dubango line has become compromised by continuous limited breeding with other local royal families, and our royal physician has strongly advised me to avoid another generation of intranubian breeding. Instead, he has suggested I find a fertile Caucasian woman, either from the United States or Northern Europe to bear me issue. Since I am a legal resident here in the US, I have concluded it would be easier to meet my bride here, rather than reestablish myself in Northern Europe to find a fertile beauty to bear issue. That is why my Aunt Ooona has been paying for me to be here.

  477. JP Says:

    I just faxed two phone books of medical records to the Social Security system.

    I also mail.

    A lot.

  478. Not a Lawyer Says:

    Ah – who still faxes? Lawyers. That’s who. I see. I stil lwant ot hear about Atlantic City.

    Guano – post a picture and I’ll tell where you should be looking. I’d love for you to come to Texas and sweep Tube Top Christian Jennifer off her feet and take her away to Ghana. If you have no aversion to 4 inch bedazzled crucifixes, platform flip flops, and genral bitchiness you’ll be fine.

  479. Not a Lawyer Says: – see if you can spot the older, bigger, not as nice version of me.

  480. JP Says:

    The one second from the right with the tube top and the cross?

  481. Guano Dubango Says:

    I think the one with the Cross is Jennifer. Is she still fertile and able to bear me issue? I am not merely interested in recreational sex. It MUST be procreational. The others look fertile.

  482. Wiki-Pig Says:

    Tony can keep her.

  483. Harold Says:

    All of these beeotches can be piped, guano. Show them your Wang and they will all start drooling.

  484. Not a Lawyer Says:

    Yes, Guano. If you couls ship her off to Ghana to live in opulence and let her keep Tony as a live-in lover there, I would be most grateful.

    I actually don’t know if they are dating or banging. I just know they hang out a lot and she looks at him like she wants to lick him. And she looks at me like the scum on the bottom of her shoe, as do her friends (on either end).

  485. Harold Says:

    Then which one is you? The fat one would be last on my list to bone but she is still doable. Are the all available or not? Guano if you are royal, you should have your own pick of this litter!

  486. Banker Bill Says:

    I would also f*** her, but I would not want those teeth anywhere near my dick.

  487. JP Says:

    This is by far the strangest chatroom that I’ve ever been in in terms of participants and subject matter.

    So, in that sense, it reminds me of college.

  488. Ellen Says:

    Who are these ladies?

    I think you guy’s need to get GIRLFREINDS so that you don’t have to hang out looking at these ladies and imagining haveing SEX with them.

    That is disgusting. I have no CHOICE b/c I am not dateing anyone, but you guys should get out there.


  489. Not a Lawyer Says:

    I am not in the picture. I just needed confirmation of what I already suspected was true: This chick is definitely not pretty enough to get away with being the evil crazy person that she is. That launching a campaign to destroy me in order to win the affections of my husband probably isn’t going to pan out the way she thinks.

  490. Guano Dubango Says:

    I am not interested in just sex. I want a woman to marry and be loyal to our issue and me. There are plenty of women who want to have sex but not marry and live in Ghana.

  491. Wiki-Pig Says:

    JP, it is weird as well, as weird televised rotating pop art mid way through a joint, that Banker Bill, “Harold,” and Ellen all appeared within 24 hours after a siesta of several days. But I haven’t looked at the moon recently.

    The “Jennifer Consensus” is as plain as the potato chip and vodka zone influence on her blubbery and almost unfeminine face: a 2.5 at best on the 1-10 scale and that only after 3 shots. No redeeming intellect or nice personality either. The “woman alone at the bar,” packing too many extra pounds, a raspy voice, and a bleary outlook on the world. (Of course its remotely possible that its a bad photo).

    NAL: be as sweet to her as you can be, esp when other people are around: don’t let her poison you. You seem like a nice, “head screwed on right” woman (except for your typical, and for many men, absolutely bizarre feelings for over-age, mooching, traitorous, losers, but then no one is perfect).

    And more to the point, don’t let anyone ever hear you saying or doing anything that they’ll repeat in court in a custody dispute. Talk like a jury is listening when it comes to her and the Mooch.

    Guano: can’t you use your family’s influence to alter the name of your home country to “Dubangostan” or “United Free Provinces of Dubango,” to lure one of the women you want?

    You could also prepare a glitzy promotions youtube video you can nonchantly pull up as if it was always there after she says she has never heard of Dubangostan. It can show shops, bentleys, and women in short skirts. Just film it in Beverly Hills. Reassured, her inhibitions about being trapped in a country, washing your camel and being hectored by Aunt Ooona, should evaporate.

  492. Not a Lawyer Says:

    It’s actually a good picture of her. She’s quite photogenic whereas I am not, so if judging by facebook pictures alone, you’d think there was more of a competition. Luckily, we all have lives off the internet!

    I know, I know. I’m not proud of myself for poking fun. But here I get say all of the things I really want to. I am quite nice to her, and for awhile I was oblivious that she was being rude to me. I just thought to myself, “I don’t know why everyone says she’s so nice. Seems kinda frosty to me,” so for the majority of our interactions, I was truly being my friendly-self.

    And yes, the UFPD has a nice ring to it! It even sounds gorgeous and exotic! It could be like one of those dates on Millionare Matchmaker where they jet off to Europe for the weekend on their first date, except you’ll take her to UFPD.

    I have been wanting to make chili ever since you mentioned that chili cook-off.

    JP – what’s up? Still thinking about shaking things up? (in a healthy, constructive way I mean).

    Ellen. Oh Ellen. It’s just that….oh nevermind.

  493. JP Says:

    I just ate a doughnut. Really, one of those big apple crisper thingies. Yum!

    Also, there are bagels here. Yum, too!

  494. Not A Lawyer Says:

    I think if you go long enough without a doghnut, you’ll convice yourself that you don’t like them. I’ve been offered doughnuts twice in the last week and succssfully turned them down, thinking somewhere inside that it would make me want to puke if I ate one.

    Apple Fritters – my son LOVES those things.

    Bagels are a weakness. With lots of cream cheese.

  495. JP Says:

    I only eat free doughnuts. So, I’m not going out of my way to find them. They just appear and look delicious. Same with bagels.

    Chick Fil-A and Starbucks (only regular coffee)?

    I pay for those.

  496. Wiki-Pig Says:

    They put five fritos in the bottom of the chili cup before adding the chili by the way. And the meat was cut well–no large hunks. They may have used something out of a can and spiced it up but yes, it was great. If only they’d had onions to add. I skipped the cheese.

    I am not critical of you being critical: just want to make sure no one hears you that will blab same.

    JP, chocolate doughnuts slightly warmed are the best of all doughnuts. Those maple glazed things are too, if the icing is scrapped off leaving just a taste.

    But JP, honestly: doughnuts are death food. Death to your chances of ever being seduced by Bar Rafeli who you will meet one day on a plane. Death to the chance of ever dropping a waist size.

    Now imagine you’re approached at a Texas Convention for Disability Lawyers by a pudgy, tube-topped blonde who looks better according to NAL in person, and who breathes in your ear, “I’m Jennifer. My BF Tony is terrible in bed: let’s go to your hotel where I’ll make passionate love to you all day. I need a real man. I’m yours as long as you want me”

    You see her pudgy boyfriend face down on the table with beer trickling out of his mouth. You gulp and think “there is a god!,” and then a younger and better looking blonde steps up and breathes in your other ear, “I am not a lawyer, but come with me instead: I’ll show you a better time than Ms. Pork Rind here.”

    Now imagine [bear with me here] that as you inwardly swoon, other guys nearby say “What’s he got that I don’t have?” and women with their dates disdainfully say to them, “Harold, why can’t you look more like that guy?”, time freezes……., and a rumpled figure in the corner says “Oh fooey,” a Cosmic God, a harry thunderer type with a massive chest, flowing white hair and a white beard, appears in a cloud and says, “JP, do you want this [sweeps hands to the two women (not the rumpled one)], or …voice drips with anticipatory disapointment] a doughnut?”

    If you’ve been scarfing doughnuts you may think like Harold, “”Those broads/dames will never follow thru with their promises. I have no chance. Besides, the doughnut is a sure thing.”

    But the donutless JP will seize the moment. Get the girl. Impress everyone within earshot. Dump the doughnuts!

  497. JP Says:

    I just ate another doughnut and another bagel.

    My weight isn’t going anywhere, up or down, lately.

  498. JP Says:

    Wiki-Pig says:

    “Now imagine you’re approached at a Texas Convention for Disability Lawyers by a pudgy, tube-topped blonde”

    Compared to the normal female participants of any disability conference, I can say that this Jennifer is way, way more attractive than those women.

    The women in my engineering classes were more attractive than disability conference women.

    In fact, a disability conference is absolutely the last place on God’s Green Earth that you run the risk of meeting any woman above a 3 on a scale of 1 to 10. Jennifer would attract an entire solar system of men at those things.

    I give you points for effort.

  499. Not A Lawyer Says:

    No no no, Pig. She looks BETTER in the picture than in real life. I look better in person. The picture doesn’t capture her bitchiness….or her ass.

    This is the only place that I say things like that. Even to my friends who are staunchly “in my corner” – I don’t speak of her that way. As a matter of fact my friends’ dear sweet husband said to me the other day, “I noticed Tony and Jennifer sat on opposite sides of the room and texted each other all through parent night. You know he took about 10 steps down, right?” I said, “Now don’t you say that! Bless her heart,” you know, through my laugh.

    At my angriest, I probably would try and steal whomever it was she was hitting on. Because I can. And I want to make a point. This too shall pass, and the window of opportunity for guys that flirt with tube top to upgrade to me will close without action…..

  500. Wiki-Pig Says:

    Oh I see: well maybe next time a wide-angled lens…

  501. Harold Says:

    Guano, your problem is that you are far too much of a gentleman. Women want a strong man who will dictate what it is the two of you should be doing. When you take a babe out and go into a restaurant, do the manly thing: Order for the both of you. She will know that you are a take-charge kind of a guy. The same thing in the bedroom. Don’t sit around like a weasel waiting for her to give you a BJ. Tell her: Here it is: Come get it. Believe me its far better than waiting. When it comes to finding a girl to marry, find one and tell her. I want to marry you and I want you to have my children. She’ll be mesmerized. Just hold off on the Ghana thing until after you’ve had sex a few times. It beats doing what youre doing – and going no where with it. Im sure that NAL would agree, even if she is not going to bang you.

  502. JP Says:

    “At my angriest, I probably would try and steal whomever it was she was hitting on. Because I can. And I want to make a point. This too shall pass, and the window of opportunity for guys that flirt with tube top to upgrade to me will close without action…..”

    I’m not quite sure that the stealing thing would be a good idea, since that involves a separate human who many or may not be (1) sane or (2) rational.

    Because if Jennifer has issues, then the person who is drawn to Jennifer may have issues, which means that you may end up with issues you didn’t want.

    I think you need to leave tube top alone for your own sanity.

  503. Not a Lawyer Says:

    Good point, JP. I’m not sure if she has issues or is just a really mean lady. The fall party invitiations are starting to roll in from those friends we see once or twice a year and have no idea of the ugly, muddy, disgusting mess that occurs now. I don’t know what to say other than, “Can I bring my boyfriend?”

  504. JP Says:

    At least your husband doesn’t have schizophrenia and decided that he *didn’t need his medication* at which point he put his kids in actual danger (he didn’t physically hurt them, but it was a sad story). It was sad because he was clearly delusional when he did it.

    I think that divorce went badly.

    I think there’s protocol for those once or twice a year friends.

  505. Not A Lawyer Says:

    There’s always something to be thankful for – the health and safety of my children being first.

    At least she probably got full custody.

  506. JP Says:

    He’s back on his meds, however he’s embarrassed because he gained 100 pounds.

    Given what I deal with on a daily basis, he’s doing well.

  507. Guano Dubango Says:

    Harold, I appreciate the advice, but I cannot be what I am not. I have always been the gentleman to the woman, and do not think, at my age, that I am going to turn into a macho man, though no woman has ever complained once we have retired to the bedroom. I let women into doors first, pick what they want on the menu, and defer to their wants and needs always in the bedroom. If I all of a sudden turned into a brute, I do not think I would be able to attract the fair and demure fertile Caucasian female I require for breeding purposes. If there is any happy mid-ground position, I am not aware of it, but I cannot hear me dictate to a woman how she is to behave.

  508. Not A Lawyer Says:

    Guano, you’re starting to seem more appealing. I still won’t marry you though.

    JP – I will refrain from any further reference to Tube Top after this one: She is Honey Boo Boo in 30 years!!! There. Done. I unfriended the whole ugly crew on FB, kicked them off my neighborhood group page, and unfriended Tony and his sister. In order to move on, I need to forgive, and to forgive I need to ask that they be blessed. (Yes, I’m a Christian – even though I make fun of them). That’s a tall order for me, so in order to accomplish that, I need some distance from the whole mess.

    I’m still going to snag a hot boyfriend, though. Is it okay to tell him up front that I just need a rebound guy to cheer me up? I don’t do well with “the game.”

    My brother’s brother-in-law is (I think) paranoid schizophrenic, but undiagnosed. He stockpiles weapons and tries to educate his boys about the upcoming aramgeddon. His parents are in denial. His ex-wife doesn’t know what to do.

  509. Wiki-Pig Says:

    Harold, are you one of those dateless guys that tell other people with dates to act like a man, giver her a good banging, show her who is boss, and so on? I mean really?

    Guano, I am not going to marry you either, but Lindsay Lohan is probably available in another month or so. She needs stability. Or go on and put in an ad.

    NAL, if he’s hot and callow, he won’t care that you want a rebounder, but then you can’t care that he doesn’t care, if you decide you do care.

    If he’s relatively nice even if hot, he will build in a defensiveness to try to act as if he too is “not in it for the relationship,” which will create tension if he decides he does want one.

    Maybe I’ll do “RentAHottie” where I have hot dates (no sex! “Any arrangement as to sex of any kind you make with the rented Hottie is strictly your decision, and RentAHottie disclaims all responsibility for any activity including STD’s, and erections lasting longer than 4 hours. “).
    What could possibly go wrong?

  510. Not A Lawyer Says:

    Oh nothing! Nothing at all, Elliott Spitzer.

    I am excusing myself from my commitment to being loving and kind to my enemies for one quick minute to read the drunken messages she posted to me at 1am this morning…..and mutter “Dumbass.”

    God Bless Her.

  511. Wiki-Pig Says:

    No! She drunk texted or fb’d you? What a loser!

  512. JP Says:

    You’re going to leave us in suspense, I take it?

  513. Not a Lawyer Says:

    No – no big deal. We are both members of a moms group, and she drunk posted on the page to all of us. We get together once per month and everyone brings a bottle of wine and an appetizer or dessert. This is actually a long standing thing that I do with moms at the school and she recently joined. It was at the ill-fated July event that she tried to befriend me, claiming she didn’t know Tony. This is MY group, my page – I even started the group! The group is big, and not all of them know about our discord, so I just play normal. I don’t think smartypants realizes that this is my group.

    Drunky mcdrunkerson says at 1AM Wednesday morning,

    “I wish this could automatically update my calendar because I am back assward. Sorry, just saying! Please email me the day before. … I am afraid that if u do not
    Send me an ema. Text, I will not know what the HECK is going on. Very sincerely, jennifer
    Ok, put it m my calendar. Pray for me’ so that I make it to this soirée before !!!! It will occur 3 days later! I like plump jack and Rodney Strong
    Cabernet !!!
    While it will be a Wednesday, I need one or both of my Jennifer’s* to takes
    Me home!!!!!!”

    *The evil faction of Tony-adoring NAL haters is a group of 3….all named Jennifer. Not kidding.

    1) Bring your own damn wine if you insist on coming.
    2) I’m no stranger to typo, but holy hell……
    3) No Jennifer, facebook will not update your calendar, and if it could may I suggest an AA meeting and a gym?

    I’ve elected not to attend this month’s mom’s club. So i have 1 month to find a hot boyfriend to dish about at the next one. I estimate it will take about 24 hours for the information to come back to me all twisted from an angry Tony.

    In a way, I am blessing my enemies. What is it they crave most? To talk about me. By GIVING them something to talk about, I am showing love and kindness. Right?

  514. JP Says:

    Well, you have an alcohol-fueled emotionally immature girl problem.

    These problems tend to not have solutions, so you have my condolences.

    You know, you could bring her Plump Jack and Rodney Strong Cabernet and keep refilling her glass. Topping it off. Until both bottles have passed through her gullet.

    And then watch to see what happens.

    That would be giving her what she wants, right?

    (Note: This is based off of one of my real life experiences. Except that when I get drunk, there is a non-zero chance that I will start talking about multi-dimensionality and chaos theory as it applies to personality. Which was a direct result of my glass being topped off way too much. Also, I spill drinks. Both of these actions are embarrassing to my wife.)

  515. Not A Lawyer Says:

    Thanks JP. I also have an alcohol-fueled emotionally immature husband problem, and they all found each other. The only solution is to ignore. There is no point trying to use reason and logic – I just need to let them all go. If only they’d stop showing up everywhere! I can’t avoid them at sporting events, can’t avoid them at the school carnival, can’t avoid them in my broader social circle even.

    So you’re one of “those” drunks, huh? That’s funny. What kind of drunk do you think Pig is?

    Better yet, what kind of nasty drunk texts do you think Jennifer sends Tony in th wee hours? Ew.

    Must be something in the autumn air because I recieved a drunk text last night from my colleague/running buddy. He said he can’t wait to run a race this weekend with his “hot blind frind.”

  516. Not A Lawyer Says:

    And if I have a bottle of Plump Jack, I’M drinking it!

  517. JP Says:

    I really don’t need to be running on my knees, but I’m faced with the absolute need to exercise.

    I’ll probably give in and start running again. Must…stay….away…from running. Don’t….give………

  518. Not A Lawyer Says:

    You could get on the elliptical, plug in your headphones, and watch mindless reality tv at the gym?

  519. Wiki-Pig Says:

    Its more fun to talk about my ex wife than me. She was way more fun than I was or am. I don’t knock over glasses, get into bar fights, and regrettably, have not been invited to drink with groups of hot, single dateless moms.
    I am that guy that tells jokes, makes people laugh, puts both elbows on the table, detests liver, and compliments people, but steers conversation away from me and never lets loose 100%. I bring props to the table and on dates: On dates or dinners, I have brought match books that say “Registered Sex offender,” and a bar of soap from the same store that had a nun on the front that said “Wash Away Guilt.” (I promised her this would wash away any guilt if she came home with me on the first date). (she didn’t, but I got points for it, and she did on date 2).

    Having 2 kids does constrict your ability to spend the night in jail or get a DUI that an ex might use against you in a custody battle. Besides, I hate hangovers.

  520. JP Says:

    I’m shorting this market. Just went 10% short on the S&P.

    The market can’t stay at these technical levels and we got everything we got from the Infinite QE announcement.

    Also, Apple is about to hit it’s last bull market peak. After that, it’s short at will.

  521. Not A Lawyer Says:

    It seems like my socilaizing revolves around one of 2 things: Drinking or Running. And I have to plan my activities accordingly. As much of my socializing revolves around wine ($12 California Cab is like water to Plano mom), you’ll never see me drunk. I just can’t let loose that much. Though after 2 of anything (glasses, mambo taxis, what have you), I sure do LOVE everyone and everything a bit more. Or maybe I’m just more vocal about it.

    Pig – you scared me with “props” for a minute there.

  522. JP Says:

    After the jello shot incident a couple of years ago, I was placed on a permanent alcohol ban by my wife.

    It didn’t occur to me that the shots would be made of about five ounces of grain alcohol each.

    I had two.

    And yes, this was two houses away from my house here in suburbia.

  523. Harold Says:

    I only recommend things that work. Women don’t like wimpy guys and they all appreciate a guy who can use his dick. No woman will deny that.

  524. Wiki-Pig Says:

    The Endeavor finally flew into LA today. terrific views from the beach where i wasn’t, and on the way to downtown. People on building roofs, on streets and at windows to see it. Its really something.

    Harold, please favor us with examples of your “How to Pipe a Any Babe, Anytime, Anywhere” so we can profit from your insights.

    I’m sure I read all the “How to make Beautiful Girls Talk to you,” “How to score with Chicks,” and “Why hot chicks prefer Douchebags” when I was younger but I always open for new insights. Guano in particular would like to know. I was always under the impression that looks, money, clothing, humor, etc had a lot to do with it. If I was going to point to my mid section and say “Wanna see what this baby can do?” I’d at least say it in french, but that is because I lack confidence. I’m dying to know. Fork over. And by the way, man to man here, when is the right age to name your member? I don’t want to have to change it later. I like Lucifer as a name, but are women going to laugh at me? If I break up with current Ms. Pig, will everyone she tells laugh at me? Especially if its overly macho name. Should I care? Come on, advise us.

    NAl, I scared someone even worse when i slipped in fake vampire teeth my first night back at her place, but these things have usually paid off. I have been so luckier than I deserve. Not being royalty like Guano, or a stud muffin like Harold, I have to work at it. Besides, its fun: if someone was really offended, it would never work out. I suppose not mentioning that I bought the sex offender (and “Paroled Convict”) matchbooks right upfront was an error.

    JP, I still wonder what happens when interest rates rise. I see house values collapsing to the chagrin of the pundits forecasting a recovery; credit card debt payments soaring. Its not looking pretty. We seem to be on the 18th shot of booze and red bull and the come down is going to be something.

  525. Guano Dubango Says:

    I thank Harold, but think more objective points of view on this topic can be read on

    Here is a link that has helped me to understand more about the ladies and what is good and not so good. I can only hope that women will give me the chance to employ these pointers.

  526. JP Says:

    Interest rates can stay low for quite some time.

    Until they don’t anymore.

    I think that we’ve got about 8 to 13 more years of it at the outside.

    Anyhow, I’m shorting the market for technical reasons. QE II was like a 2×4 over the head, but I actually know what I’m looking at now, so I should be able to deal with it this time much more effectively.

    Pre-2007 and post-2007 require different trading techniques.

    And I want to do something with these puddles of money I keep forming that doesn’t involve active involvement in real estate or 0% interest.

  527. Harold Says:

    Never mind the wimpy wuss attitudes. Bang the broads!

  528. Not A Lawyer Says:

    How’s that working out for you, Harold? Honestly. Tell us about your girlfriend. If you have one.

    In other news: Tube top wants to be my friend again and I am keeping a respectful distance from all of them, so the answer is no.

    The fireman called! He actually texted me and said, “Hi NAL, this is Hot Fireman. I’m pool guy’s frind. I hear congratulations are in order. Good job!” I replied, “Thanks. Nice to hear from you. Not sure what the congrats are for?” and then later “Oh – my divorce? Thanks. Long time coming” He replied, “No, running the marathon.”

    Oh. Well that was fun while it lasted.

  529. Wiki-Pig Says:

    “Interest rates can stay low for quite some time,”=what the Spanish thought up to the last minute, or as you say, when the market decides you’ve borrowed enough. No one owes as much as we do. The fed is buying more and more to make up it seems for what others are not.

    The money is not moving much, as velocity has been held back by paying interest on time deposits. But sooner or later, banks have to go back to actually making loans. That will cause an inflationary spurt. And sooner or later, Treasury has to pay higher rates or see no shows at auctions. The higher rates will pull consumer rates up too.

    Hence: Stagflation plus high rates. Of course we could just cut the spending, watch supported sectors crumble as they should have long ago, wages fall and all “re-set” as it should have long ago.

    NAL-maybe he’s being , guano-like, cautious in showing his interest and does not want to offend by showing too much interest too fast. Or maybe being a fireman, he simply has more women than he knows what to do with right now.

    Firemen really have a unfair advantage over other men, like Australians with their ‘good day mate’ accent. My ex was talking at dinner one night about how women can do what men can do etc. Next day her 2 seater was parked and blocked on a street by a truck in the back and a car in front. No way to get out. She was standing there when a fire truck cruised by: 2 of firefighters got out, one took the front and the other the back of her car, they picked it up –picked it up OK?, and carried it out onto the street. They were in their 20′s, cute she said and she was so blown away by it, all fluttery, I am sure she would have had a torrid affair with either of them.

  530. Wiki-Pig Says:

    Idiots on Parade Continues:

    “Alleged Drug-Planting Duo Plead Not Guilty

    Parents accused of planting prescription pills, marijuana and a pot pipe in the car of a parent-volunteer at their son’s Irvine school pleaded not guilty Monday.

    Kent Wycliffe Easter, 38, and Jill Bjorkholm Easter, 39, appeared in a Santa Ana courtroom for the hearing, which was delayed shortly while attorneys awaited a sign-language interpreter for Jill Easter, who has a “hearing issue,” according to her attorney.

    The Easters are both registered attorneys;

    According to Deputy District Attorney Chris Duff, the Easters conspired to put painkillers—Vicodin and Percocet— and some cannabis and a pipe behind the driver’s seat of the victim’s vehicle.

    The duo were upset about the parent-volunteer’s supervision of their son at an elementary school, Duff said. The couple called and texted one another as Kent Easter drove to the woman’s home to plant drugs in her unlocked vehicle just after midnight on Feb. 16, 2011. Kent Easter made an anonymous call to police from a hotel payphone reporting the target’s possession of drugs. He was filmed making the call by the hotel’s closed circuit tv.

    “I’m not guilty either!”

    Federal authorities have charged a California divorce lawyer with enlisting female private detectives to have drinks with men in divorce cases, and then have them arrested for DUI, compounding custody disputes.

  531. Not A Lawyer Says:

    Bizarre is the only word for it. Just bizarre. I volunteer at my kids’ school. maybe I shouldn’t. Yikes.

  532. JP Says:

    So, what exactly did happen here in Tonyworld?

    Did NAL kick Tonykins to the curb?

    Or did Tonykins storm out in a fit of “you can’t tell me what to do (about credit)!” only to find that NAL locked the door behind him and had the locks changed when he tried to get back inside?

    What were the final 24 hours of the NAL-Tonykins joint venture like? What happened? Were there empty cans of beer being thrown? Were there tears? What happened to Fluffy the pet Ferret?

    Inquiring minds want to know.

  533. Not A Lawyer Says:

    It’s a long sad story.

    Tony’s resenentment of me grew over the last few years. Everytime there was cool business trip, or a raise, or even a compliment, he’d tell me that my family was suffering due to my selfish career choice, that I was crappy mother. Even my running was selfish – despite the fact that I run at 5am and am home and showered before anyone even woke up. he never attended a race, never said good job, nothing. It’s like he loved me – he just didn’t like me. At all.

    Late last year, I recieved a bonus and paid off one of Tony’s credit cards. I also decided I wanted to use the rest to finish a project (one of the many that Tony started and never finished). Tony, already resentful of me, told me to hand over that money. I said no, and in that argument, he told me about the $65k in debt that I was going to have to address. It was just mean-spirirted along the lines of, “Oh you want cabinets? Well you’re going to have to wait until you take of this first.” (I had been the main support for all family expenses for years specifically so that he could use his earnings to pay down his debt. Instead, he TRIPLED it.) After I recovered from the shcok, I told him I was sick of living on nothing to support him – that his debt was his problem. He then did his signature move where he takes out a piece of paper, writes “Divorce” at the top, draws a line down the middle, and proceeds to show me in writing how costly a divorce will be, and how much he will benefit. He thought for some reason that he can take the house and the kids and my 401k. I’ve seen it many times, and it usually results in him getting his way.

    Because I am the problem solver here, he assumed I’d take on that $65k burden and that he’d just continue his rent-free partying lifestyle. To be fair, he assumed that because I’ve done it before. I created this monster.

    On Christmas I had a long talk with my dad, and said “I don’t know what’s happening here. I don’t know where we’re headed” My dad said, “Oh I can tell you where you’re headed.”

    I began marriage counseling immediately. Tony finally joined after I’d been to a few sessions on my own. I made a budget with a 3 year plan to get out of debt. Tony refused it, saying he didn’t get enough allowance. I doubled his allowance, and Tony accepted it. He signed it, and agreed to the terms, and promised to stop using his credit card. Prior to this, he used to contribute $1000 to the family expenses – a number he whittled down every time I got a raise or a promotion. When I took my new job last year, he stopped all together.

    It was all a show. After counseling sessions, he’d immediately revert to using divorce to threaten me. He said many times “Let’s just get divorced – that’s all I want.” I called to check the balance on his credit card. He had charged an additional $3k in just the 3 weeks we attended counseling. In addition to that, there was $3500 charge pending to an attorney. So he’d gotten himself a lawyer. He was also hanging out every night with a toxic person, who I’m sure was the “devil on his shoulder.”

    He moved into the guest room. He demanded that I separate all shared service accounts, like toll tags and cell phones, and that I take over the wireless bill. I did – and was completely independent in every way by January of this year. In February, he made a big cash withdrawl. I discovered it on Valentine’s Day, and immediately retained an attorney. I did put half of the retainer on one of Tony’s credit cards, and paid the other half cash.

    So what’s the holdup? Why isn’t he leaving? He lives in my home, pays NOTHING, parties every night, stumbles in drunk to his guest room at 3am, and snores like freight train, and HATES me. Why was he still here? When I asked him this, he told me to get the hell out of his house. HIS house!
    He’d come home drunk and vandalize the house, leave trash everywhere, took all of the photos in the house of my late mother and hid them.

    Tonykins thought that if he could just make life painful enough for me, I’d relent and do things the way he wanted (support him while he does as he pleases). And don’t forget there are 2 small children living in this house. It was an ugly, toxic environment. Lots of screaming. Lots of tears. From me anyway.

    Because this a side to Tony that few people see, he’s very good at convicing people that I callously threw him out of the house so that I could bang the fire department. He tells people that he generously offered to get me an apartment. Why why why would I get an apartment when I pay the mortgage here?

    I filed on Februaly 22. I requested a temprorary hearing to get him out of the house. He continued to threaten me and tell me all of the reasons that a judge would give HIM full custody of my kids (my demanding job, my selfish workout schedule – ha!)

    Hearing was set for May 10. We continued our living situation – I just stayed out of the house a lot. I’d keep the kids out and busy right up until bedtime. I happened to be in my attorney’s office the day before the hearing to prepare when Tony’s attorney called…..

    Are you exhausted of this story? I am . What a beating this has been.

  534. Wiki-Pig Says:

    Its the same in almost all divorces. One’s a builder and one becomes a taker of sorts. Expecting that the working one will just carry on and the lifestyle won’t change.

    And then its YOUR fault for calling a halt to it all. You’re supposed to be ready to carry everyone for decades. Skip vacations, work weekends, etc to pay for the ex to take vacations and have weekends. And do all the heavy lifting for the kids of course. And when you call a time out, they look at you like “What? Did you say something? Why aren’t you with the program?”

    My ex could not and does not understand why I was not ready to pay her 1/3 of my gross in perpetuity. After all I “make more” than she does so I should compensate for her lifestyle and vacations by working more. Got it?

    It takes some time for you to grasp what is going on. Because its so intuitively wrong of them to ask it. And you wonder what you ever did that let them get this far into thinking that you are a walking ATM. But its real: that is what they think. Its just so hard to believe it.

    When she quit work, rolling about in all those payments, I told her it wouldn’t last forever (I got a spousal support cut off date). She just didn’t grasp it. Now she’s back at work. Still boiling at my unfeeling decision to stop paying her when the Marital settlement agreement said I could.

    The disdain was another surprise: i have never felt that i was held in less regard by anyone than my ex. And she was the one treated the best when we were married. When we broke up and I started seeing other people it was like a wave of life–people that were attracted to me and liked or loved me. It was like i’d been frozen for a couple of years.

    Its not your fault NAL. Its just not. 4,000 years ago some sumerian farmer working all year to grow food had to contend with loafers who just insisted that he share it equally with them. Not an emergency handout mind you, equally.

    My super financial friend who was a Global Something or other for a huge firm worked to support her whole family after she split with her deadbeat husband, who could be a relative of tony. He used to be a lawyer, quit and just loafed. He played golf, took endless vacations and all while she worked, and when she cut back, he whined that he needed more money. There is just no grasping the mindset. You did everything right.

    What is T man up to now?

  535. Not A Lawyer Says:

    What’s he up to now? Tube Tops, sporting events, and berating me constantly about what a terrible mother I am. These are his favorite things.

    I was lucky enough to be in the room when his attorney called about the temporary hearing. She was yelling at MY attorney insisting that Tony stay in the house and we go straight to mediation instead. She even said “Well he’s been supporting her!” as I sit in front of piles of bank statements showing that no, Tony hadn’t contributed a dime to the household in over 5 months. And prior to that, contributed very little. My lawyer called this out. She said she was going to talk to him and she’d see us at the hearing.

    An hour later the paralegal called back saying Tony had agreed to move out the following weekend, pay temporary standard child support, and share custody on extended weekend schedulle. We will have social study to determine the best situation for the kids.

    The problem is, Tony is very charming. No social study monitor will see that he has a filthy temper, is a total narcissist, or drinks too much. His mother will lie for him and cover up the shoving incident that the kids witnessed. All I have a few holes kicked in my walls in his fits – which he will deny of course. What’s a girl to do?

    Tony no loger lives with the girl on the golf course. Tube Top must have knocked her out of the saddle. He bounces from his folks, to his bachelor friends’, to the house around the corner with the “man cave.” He still works, but doesn’t have a home. But you know, that’s all my fault.

    The jennifers think I am some evil cow that committed some terrible injustice against dear sweet Tony. That I ran up his credit cards and kicked him out. They don’t know jack about what really went on here, and I don’t have the energy or desire to set them straight. I just want them to GO AWAY. Hate me. Fine. But go hate me over there, please.

  536. Wiki-Pig Says:

    Hmmm. Short of hiring the lawyer up here who gets husbands arrested on dirty (set up) DUI’s, what about the credit card bills showing his outings in the months before the split? Someone was signing those credit card slips for all night partying when the kids wee at home with mom.

    And that shows an unfortunate proclivity to abandon them for late night pursuits. What if they’d been sick? What if an intruder had come to the door? Who helped with putting them to bed?

    Also seems to show that he trusts the “working mom” to be there with the kids. So she is a good mom and he is a party animal dad. So much for the “she works all the time” motif. Guess which parent seems steadier and better for the kids?

    Then we have “bed hopping Tony”, moving from golf course to tube top and that’s not evidence of stability for kids at all. I assume tube top at least has a decent place to live, but he hasn’t been there long enough to call it a steady residence. And it sounds like he moves even more than that. Its not what kids need. Are they supposed to truck all their stuff from house to house to apartment?

    The interest of the kids is paramount and you probably ought to be more direct with this monitor about these things. If that evaluator ever makes a report that recommends 50/50 custody, you’ll never hear the end of it.

    Remember: Tony has one clear shot at money from you: child support. Its not taxable and its not deductible either. The more custody he has, the better his shot at support from you.

  537. Not A lawyer Says:

    I don’t think he’ll get more than 50/50, however, for obvious reasons I think that’s waaay too much time for him to be responsible for them. His fuse is short – even shorter now that he’s all over the place now I’m sure.

    Beyond that obvious paroblem, with 50/50 custody there is no child support or responsible party. It is just expected that each of you pay half of everything. Tony does not pay for anything – there’s absolutely no way he’ll pay his half.

    Yes – because he was so in love with the credit card, his boozing, partying, concerts, cruises, weekends away, and golfing are all well documented, as are his nightly trips out. One morning as I stood outside talking to my neighbor, he stormed outside and demanded to know where I’d hidden his car. The fool was so drunk he’d forgotten where he parked.

    And I have to go through a social study just to keep the custody I have (about 60%).

    His settlement (half of his debt plus half of the equity in the house) is going to be substantial. No spousal or child support will be ordered from me. No way.

  538. JP Says:

    I’m the spendthrift/earner in my house.

    Which means that I spend about $150 a month on me much to my wife’s chagrin.

  539. JP Says:

    How can people enjoy or even want to run marathons?

    I say this as someone who ran cross-country and track.

    I mean, it’s so incredibly boring!

  540. JP Says:

    My wife is complaining that I’m not shorting the market with her money.

    This is a few weeks after she complained that I lost money shorting the market during QE II.

    I can’t win.

  541. Not A Lawyer Says:

    Tony would rather walk away from marriage than reduce his $3,000 a month habit to $600.

    The endorphins! It’s amazing. No better feeling. And it doesn’t hurt the sex drive. My next husband will be a runner. And frugal. A frugal runner. That’s what I need.

  542. Harold Says:

    NAL, is your amazing attitude an admission that you have gotten hosed by the local fireman? If so, you have proven my hypotheses that women are so much better off mentally and physically after they get it from any dude. But now what about that gentlemanly dude, Guana? I think that guy will now have to sniff around elsewhere for a female to mate with. Poor dude. Nice guys finish last, and the famous Joe Six Pack fireman is probably off to his next fire by now.

  543. Not A lawyer Says:

    No Harold, haven’t heard from the fireman. I’m guessing it was my stupid response to his nice text. Oh well.

    My amazing attitude is just result of me, well, being amazing I guess.

  544. Harold Says:

    I suppose Guana will be happy, then! Where is that dude when you need him? Guana? Hello, Guana? NAL is out there for you!

  545. JP Says:

    Pig, I have an inflation blog post for you.

  546. Larry Says:

    Fellas, once a gal is over 35 there is only 1 question a guy wants to know:

    “DOES SHE F••••uk?”

    We don’t want to waste time wooing these older cows.

    If no sex, 95% are gone after the first date.

  547. Wiki-Pig Says:

    Tell it like it is Larry.! You ‘da Man! But help me out. I make a good income, have a nice car, live near the ocean and I dress well (on dates anyway). But I always get stuck dating women with indoor plumbing, all their teeth, and sometimes, their own income. They expect a little more time before they jump into bed. Don’t ask me why. What can I say/do to get them to put out on the first date like yours do?

  548. Not A Lawyer Says:

    I want Larry/Harold t otel lus all about his relationship dos and don’ts, key success factors, etc. Come on, tell us how you wow the ladies in the long term!

    And there are no over-35 women here. I’m pretty sure Guano is looking for younger, JP is married, and Pig has a Mrs. So where was that going anyway?

  549. Not A Lawyer Says:

    To TELL Us….wow. Guess I shouldn’t read, text, type and eat all at the same time.

  550. Anonymous Says:

    “t’otel lus.”

    Ah, French. Such a wonderful language.

  551. JP Says:

    I went ahead and shorted the market with my wife’s retirement fund.

    Now I get to wait until next week to see if we hit new marginal highs.

  552. Wiki-Pig Says:

    One of the best delivered lines in a movie:

    “Ces’t la vie. I assume you do speak French lieutenant?”

    “No, [eying the other man's girlfriend, who looks away guiltily], but I do kiss that way.”

  553. JP Says:

    OK. Help me out here.

    Did I have a dream that money market accounts were going to charge fees for their services or did that actually happen.

    And yes, I have dreams about the financial system.

  554. Not A Lawyer Says:

    Only at BofA JP. And I do too. The last Fed meeting really messed with my head.

    Shorting with my retirment is something Tony would have done if I’d let him. Then he’d keep it all. And spend the proceeds on a lavish golf trip with his buddies. I was specifically banned from any trading unless I had written permission from SEC, so my retirement was safe, but don’t think he didn’t try…..

    How long should I give the fireman before I ask the pool guy for the next one? He did allude that he had several options for me.

  555. JP Says:

    Why did the last Fed meeting mess with your head?

    It’s not like the Fed knows what it’s doing. If nothing else, the entire 2007-2009 experience should have taught you that the Fed is delusional and incompetent.

  556. Wiki-Pig Says:

    Don’t wait on people. Life is short. Live it. If Fireman wants back in, he knows where to find you.

    And if I made a lot of money I sure as hell wouldn’t spend it on a golf trip with other guys.

    JP, how long can the fed pay interest to banks on the money it prints for them, tying up the money to keep it from circulating, and “buy” big parts of the US debt that no one else wants to buy anymore? What happens when rates rise to sell treasury debt to foreigners? What do banks do with their money then? How can there be a recovery when banks are barely lending?

  557. Larry Says:

    My history is limited to college grads. They all are satisfied with me in the sack.

  558. JP Says:

    Why do interest rates have to rise at this particular juncture?

    The last major trough in interest rates on the 10-year was 1.45% in 1945.

    Look at the bottom chart on this link. This guy has been right on interest rates for years.

    He’s not right on the market, but he’s right on the interest rate trend.

  559. Wiki-Pig Says:

    I will look. The inflation blog was good. Thanks.

    It was my impression that: foreign buying of US treasuries had slowed. That Fed has picked up its purchases to make up for that.

    Half the country seemingly believes that the US can sustain its 8.1% unemployment rate and anemic or near moribund growth rates by borrowing more trillions.

    The trillions are then used to pay not for hard assets or improvements, but things like union pensions, subsidies for California’s bullet train (that more than half the Calif voters would reject if they could vote today), lots of US troops abroad, and now an expensive healthcare system that adds 40 million people to the rolls of insureds “without adding any additional cost.”

    This is seemingly expected to go on forever. People will lend us money for US treasuries that are backed by a country that is running perpetual deficits.

    But investors don’t fall in line with that way of thinking. China and Japan in particular are choking on US Treasuries. And the dollar’s value is not going up. To continue attracting foreign interest at treasury auctions for a country that cannot budget, won’t discipline itself and seemingly has a “We are Spain too” date with destiny, interest rates will have to rise–just as they did with Greece and Spain when investors became convinced their investment was riskier than it had been. Greece and Spain didn’t see it coming; they protested; insisted that people had an obligation to lend them the money etc.

    When the rates on US Treasuries rise, rates everywhere will rise. Maybe not now or in this year. But the Treasury won’t have much choice in the matter. There is no one that can bail US out.

  560. JP Says:

    The U.S. isn’t Spain.

    The U.S. is the World leading Great Power that issues debt in it’s own currency and maintains a global military presence.

    Spain is a second-rate (financially and economically speaking) European power that most recently did it’s best work by tying down Napoleon when he had the bad sense to invade it.

    I have no idea what will happen to the U.S. debt markets.

  561. Wiki-Pig Says:

    Oh man this is the part that drives everyone crazy with boredom. Except you.

    So OK, the US isn’t Spain. And I think it did its most recent best work by staying neutral in WWII, but we can debate that while swilling Johnny Walker Blue and puffing on Cohiba Siglo IV’s at the Luxuriouos Remote Mansion Dinner that I keep threatening to have. I am even going to invite a high school graduate for Harold to talk to.

    But economic basics apply to us too. Spain wasn’t the Spain in trouble 2 years ago that it is now. Just as Britain in the 1800′s was powerful, had naval ships everywhere, was overextended, and lost its manufacturing/export base to us and Germany, and would up with…pensions, debt, socialized businesses and near insolvency. They were broke.

    The US has borrowed more than Spain has in dollar terms. More than a jury would award as Ellen’s therapy costs. More than even Tony could borrow if we quadrupled NAL’s salary. More even that my ex wife could imagine spending, and that was a lot.

    The Euro exposure for Spain and Greece may be a little less than a trillion. we have 16 trillion and mounting. Our debt payments right now are a ‘comfortable’ few hundred billion a year, but only as long as interest rates stay low. If the rates jump, so do our debt payments. To as much as 500b –or more a year.

    The US debt is primarily short term debt is it not? rolled in 30, days, 90 days etc but little if any is being borrowed now at 3-5 years is it? So when rates jump, payments jump too.

    We are borrowing about a trillion a year to sustain our anemic economy. The money is being used for welfare, pensions, conferences for government employees… prop up what is. an economy dependent on 1T a year in borrowed money. How long can we continue to do that?

    Aside from “how will we pay it back?”, how long do people sell us oil and so on for paper that is depreciating like mad?

    There is already serious pressure to adopt a new reserve currency or dilute the role of the dollar. Its LBJ’s fault: he ruined the dollar, Nixon closed the gold window and its been “print dollars 24/7″ since. People are awash in dollars. They’re nervous. Hence the decrease in Treasury purchases by Japan and China.

    The fed then steps in to “borrow” by “buying” debt but this is like “paying” your credit card debt by writing a check on your line of credit. The fed is us; so we are going deeper in debt by letting the Fed borrow.

    I don’t know JP. I don;t like the looks of it. Paying it back is a drag, even at current interest rates (and we are not paying back while rates are low–we are borrowing more).

    Borrowing more is a mistake. Taking the pain of coming off a trillion dollar habit is painful.

    You know, lets not talk about this at the Luxurious Remote Mansion.

    So JP, how many kids in your family growing up? Why did you opt for law and not ibanking? You seem far more interested in that than law.

  562. JP Says:

    Oh, we’re going to default because our unfunded liabilities can’t be met.

    Just not yet.

    2020-2025 is my target date range for some issues to arise.

    I have a grand total of two sisters. Twins.

    Anyhow, I went into law because I didn’t want to work in chemical engineering and thought I would try patent law. I went into chemical engineering because my scholarship was in engineering.

    I didn’t realize that I had an interest in the financial system until I was already a lawyer.

    I’m a financial hobbyist. Some people garden. I amuse myself by

  563. JP Says:

    by top-calling the stock market.

    It’s rigged by QE at the moment, so I could be quite wrong here. But I won’t be as wrong as I was during QE II because I will cut my losses on any marginal new highs.

  564. Not A lawyer Says:


  565. Guano Dubango Says:

    Not a lawyer, by yawning is this some kind of signal that you perchance are letting down your guard? Have you rethought my offer?

  566. JP Says:

    So, NAL, why were you bothered by Bernake and QE III

  567. JP Says:

    Also, are you at BOA now?

    And, if so, are they gearing up their liar loans again?

  568. Not A Lawyer Says:

    Bernake’s announcement to keep buying mortgage backed securities until the end of time (due to sluggish job growth) to keep interest rates artificially low SHOULD in theory lead to more spending, more lending, more home sales. But has it? Nope. And if the Fed is buying at the rate of $40B a month with the expectation that it will stimulate the economy, then they likely expect that some day, someone is going to want to buy that crap. From the trenches of the armpit of banking, it’s a temporary fix that will cause more pain down the road.

    No longer with them, JP. I’ve done 2 short stints there and now finally realize what the problem was: I don’t like working there. I’m now with another giant bank (is it big 5 or big 4?) with the clear expectation that once this crap is managable and cleaned up, I’ll move back into wealth management, or maybe even audit.

    Liar loans are not specifically a BofA product. The guidelines were determined by Fannie and Freddie and manipulated by brokers and buyers. The securities were pooled by the banks and given ratings by the agencies, then sold by the broker/dealers. EVERYBODY’S hands are dirty. And since getting a modification is as difficult as refinancing these days, I don’t think the liar loan will reappear unless it is some sort of streamlined mod or refinance.

    Guano – even tattooed strangers don’t want to date me. Ghana is starting to sound pretty good.

  569. JP Says:

    It’s not leading to more lending and more spending because the private credit cycle has peaked and is now moving in the opposite direction.

    And yes, it’s kicking the can.

    Because the alternative is private credit contraction without government credit expansion.

    That makes wealthy people unhappy because their assets deflate and they start to become less wealthy.

  570. Wiki-Pig Says:

    JP, we’re starting to sound like a doomsday site.

    Give NAL a back scratch. I don’t understand how a blonde under 35, and as she otherwise describes herself, is not being eaten up (ok sorry, sorry, it just popped out) by the locals. Maybe her kids deter some guys, but there is always a large group of single dads that meld pretty well with single moms, and even guys that prefer a ready made family.

    But her failure to connect (so far) with a single dad type is opportunity for some!

    Guano, its time for a bold move: maybe you should fly into DFW, agree to sit in a specific place with a specific coat, so she (anonymous among all the people) can see what you look like. Then she can either slip away and say “whew!” on the way out or you get her sitting next to you passport in hand, saying “Take me to Dubangostan and ravish me.”

    She’s be a great addition, and she’s fertile! Not one of those juiceless, dried out old crones that hate kids. She doesn’t seem like a nag. She can punch out three kids at least by 40 and maybe 4 if you coddle her enough. (I’ll expect a finders fee of not less than 5% of the value of one royal issue).

    Harold, you might want to audition too, but this one may expect more than a burger and fries on the first date. And you probably need to chew with your mouth closed most of the time. Just saying.

  571. JP Says:

    If Guano marries her and takes her to Guanoland, can I have her job?

    I’ll even move to that Texas place she lives in.

  572. Not A Lawyer Says:

    The competition in Dallas is steep. The guys that have approached me thus far are:
    1) married – more fall into this category than any other.
    2) Guido d-bags with spiky faux-hawks and sparkly t-shirts
    3) think that because I’m a mom/divorcee I’m desperate and easy.
    4) an old friend that suddenly thinks I’m “the one” when in reality, he’s only attracted to me because I am a departure from his last 10 girlfriends whose long-term plans were to marry him, quit their jobs, and live a life of leisure.

    And I won’t hook up with a fellow dad from my kids’ school. I’d prefer to keep my future sex life, if there is one, a little more secretive. There’s enough talk about me already. And I hope the next rumor is about my mysterious, hot boyfriend.

    I’ve been lectured by my girlfriends for hiding away in my cave and making myself unapproachable. I don’t see it, but one friend swears up and down that when we are out, I make myself look “closed off and married.” I can’t even say how one does that, but appearantly I do it well.

    What’s your experience with this type of woman, JP?

  573. Not A Lawyer Says:

    You can have the BofA job, JP. I actually LOVE my new gig. It’s a mess. It’s a ton of work. I can barely handle it. LOVE it.

  574. JP Says:

    No, I want your *current* job. The one you like. I don’t want a job you don’t like.

    The only experience I have with women is wandering around waiting for women to try and date me.

  575. JP Says:

    And remember, I have never dated anyone who was neither in high school or college.

    I’ve only ever dated women between the ages of 15 and 20.

  576. JP Says:

    “I don’t see it, but one friend swears up and down that when we are out, I make myself look “closed off and married.” I can’t even say how one does that, but appearantly I do it well.”

    I think this means that you’re not ready to date yet.

  577. Wiki-Pig Says:

    wow, that pried some comments from the sleeping people.

    I wasn’t suggesting single dads from school, so much as single dads from the park, playground, mommy and me, chuck E Cheese ….

    “closed off and married…” =she does not look around, look back, or smile.

  578. Not A Lawyer Says:

    “closed off and married…” =she does not look around, look back, or smile.

    Because they’re all guido douchebags with sparkly shirts. They are salesmen that are just dying to tell me how much money they make thinking that I will immediately want to sleep with them. They say stupid things like, “Oh you work for ABC Bank? Dude, I know the Vice President there.” You woudn’t look back either.

  579. Wiki-Pig Says:

    Wasn’t being judgmental. the “faux-hawks” was funny. JP and I might look back, if only to stare at a sparkly shirt. They sound douchy.

  580. JP Says:

    Texas doesn’t have guidos. Guidos live in the northeast.

  581. JP Says:

    I call shenanigans on the sparkle shirts.

    Sparkle shirts went out with the Leisure Suits of the 1970′s.

  582. Wiki-Pig Says:

    You can’t argue with her: she was there. maybe it was one guy who is the typecast representative of them all. Besides she seems aggravated by it. I’m not going to even come close to an argument on this.

    Have to take a deposition tomorrow. I always insist on doing them myself. I’ve been at it all day, sifting through documents, typing the questions designed to close off things. And every so often I pull up news and there’s another “fiscal cliff” article.

  583. Harold Says:

    I will bang any woman who is at least a 7 out of 10. If she is hot I will not disAppoint her.

  584. JP Says:

    I did a last minute discovery plan for an ERISA case where no depositions are permitted thanks to the Fourth Circuit.


    I’m not allowed to depose their doctors.


  585. Wiki-Pig Says:

    I have warmed slightly to tax law, since it has such an impact on me personally, but ERISA . . .as exciting as a strip club in Saudi arabia, or the prospect of having to listen to Harold for longer than 5 minutes. I wonder if Harold and Ellen would hit it off?

  586. Wiki-Pig Says:

    JP: Sparkle t-shirts are a deal in Texas. Men and women. Rhinestones. google it.

  587. JP Says:

    Breaking Financial News:


    “JP Morgan is being sued for $20bn in the United States for allegedly knowingly selling investments backed by risky mortgages that were likely to lose money.

    The loans were actually sold by Bear Stearns in 2006 and 2007 before JP Morgan bought the company.

    Phil Angelides, chair of the US government’s Financial Crisis Inquiry Commission (FCIC) into what went wrong on Wall Street last year, told Today business presenter Simon Jack that the situation was “very troubling” and that the statute of limitations for criminal actions – currently five years – “needs to be extended” for the alleged crimes to be properly dealt with.

    “JP Morgan took on both the upside of Bear Stearns and the downside,” he explained.”

  588. Not A Lawyer Says:

    Oh jeez….same thing at Goldman and Morgan Stanley. Like I said, everyone’s hands are dirty. What about the agencies that gave that crap A ratings?

    I have the best presentation of this dilemma. I just googled it and found it:

  589. Not A Lawyer Says:

    And yeah, I find the guys that approach me aggrivating. I’d say I just need to get out of the suburbs, but the guys in Dallas are even douchier. Have you ever seen “Most Eligible Dallas”? *shudder*

    I may not be ready to date, but I wouldn’t say no to a “friendly understanding” with a fireman with a heart of gold who isn’t going to try to impress me with his salary or car, isn’t going to try to compete with me, isn’t intimidated by me, and will make himself available to me every other weekend. That’s all.

  590. JP Says:

    My solution is to jail the 30% of the American population that lied and engaged in fraud.

    No one ever likes my solutions.

    Too idealistic, they say.

    They will never work, they say.

  591. JP Says:

    “I may not be ready to date, but I wouldn’t say no to a “friendly understanding” with a fireman with a heart of gold who isn’t going to try to impress me with his salary or car, isn’t going to try to compete with me, isn’t intimidated by me, and will make himself available to me every other weekend.”

    Too idealistic.

    That will never work.

  592. Not A Lawyer Says:

    Perhaps. A girl can dream.

    30% is low if you take into account all of the independnet brokers, appriasers, credit repairers, and personal-trainers-turned-loan-officers that KNOWINGLY lied on applications. And the buyers who claim ignorance NOW, but knew good and well that they didn’t make $10k a month.

    In the heyday, I worked for a big originator, the biggest in fact. It was a very common practice to NOT ask a customer how much they made, but to figure out what they needed to make to qualify for the loan, and then tell them what they make. This was a directive that came down from the top. Working compliance for this bank in the day when they were breaking sales records month after month and saw no end in sight was no fun.

  593. JP Says:

    Why did they need anyone to work compliance if they didn’t feel like complying with basic math?

  594. Not A Lawyer Says:

    The other side of mortgage banking – servicing, escrow (taxes and insurance) default, collections, bankruptcies, foreclosures, and liquidations are all heavily regulated and have been for awhile. Even before they were popular.

  595. Wiki-Pig Says:

    I would start by putting someone at FDIC and SEC that has a brain: not a government servant, or a credentialed brain, but someone smart enough to hear of default swaps and immediately ask “are insured banks dealing with this stuff?” Instead, we had decades of FDIC, RTC, SEC asleep at the switch and politicians pushing Freddie and Fannnie to make more and more loans.

    Its not like you have to put Mr. Potter from Its A Wonderful Life in charge, but 10 cabdrivers from Los Angeles would have had more sense than to allow crap like that to go on.

    The “friendly understanding” sounds perfect for a guy.

    But Q: What do you do if he wants more? He starts leaving clothes there? (no sparkly shirts tho). Then shaving stuff…. then sleeping over during the week? Asks to drive you to work? Guys (other than Harold), can wind up smitten you know.

  596. Harold Says:

    Not a Lawyer: Unless you are truly hot, guys just are NOT going to put up with your demands. Remember, you are not 23 any more. Guys want a simple woman who will not give them a hard time, and are available when they are for what they want to do. If it is going to a football game, be ready for that. If it is just to sit around the house drinking beer, be ready for that. And, if it is just to spend a day in the sack, be ready for that. No one wants to compete with you. Just do what they want and you’ll be fine.

  597. JP Says:

    I tried to come up with a useful comment on the dating issue, but I realized that I have absolutely nothing useful to contribute.

    Mostly because I have the emotional maturity and emotional stability of an angsty 22 year old.

    Which is better than the emotional age of 17 that I had for my first 35 years of life.

  598. Wiki-Pig Says:

    Harold, I went right over to a bar and tried out your speech on the first decent looking woman I saw.

    Using your name of course, and wearing a non-sparkly shirt, I said, in my best non guido-doochebag voice: “I am looking for a simple woman, available for what I want to do, when I want to do it, and you need to be ready for it. Do what I want and it’ll be fine.”

    That grey goose really smells in your clothes, even if it wipes easily off your face. Do you have any other suggestions? PS: I wouldn’t go to the bar in Crustecean for a few months, or at least use someone else’s name.

    JP 22 is the right age! nice, not too arrogant, etc. You are perfect for dating advice. Except that you haven’t dated for a long time. Don’t you ever think of what it would be like to date again? (I am not trying to induce you to cheat on your wife).

    NAL seems a bit more than a fireman’s girlfriend, but she is still in the fireman phase (parallel to a man’s post divorce phase).

    right now she seems to be going for the type of guy where she is the punch and drive in the relationship, he is kind of an on and off again accessory, and if she gets into it, at first she’ll be surprised and then annoyed if he isn’t. But she ought to be ultimately matched with someone with the same career drive.

  599. Not A lawyer Says:

    Harold, the relationship I described is noteable because of the lack of demands. I don’t want him over every day, calling every day, meeting my kids. And if he decides he wants more, well, then I’ll just have to ask him to wait a bit if he’s worth it.

    I was a total doormat with Tony. Whatever he wanted was my pleasure to give. See where that got me?

  600. JP Says:

    Dating is a cruel, jagged world. I’ve pulled enough of it’s shards from my skin.

    It always ends in pain. Either mine or the other.

  601. Wiki-Pig Says:

    NAL, I wouldn’t have anyone meet my kids for months. The kids are the priority and I can’t have some stranger walking about in the morning, or sneaking out at night, disrupting their lives before school, or cramping my ability to get up if the kids were sick. Home has to be a refuge for the kids…but then you know this. So yeah, the post divorce dating was tough.

    JP, write a book. Do it now. I bet you could just take your posts as chapters.

  602. JP Says:

    My biggest problem with dating is that you eventually get bored with the person you are dating because the excitement eventually wears off and then they cease to be either emotionally or intellectually stimulating.

  603. Wiki-Pig Says:

    That is the 3 month fade, unless they’re are keepers. And then you have to decide to move in…be exclusive..devote all weekends to this person etc. You also get tired of the up and down emotions. You crave a slouch weekend…the ability to not wash your car, watch tv instead of going out, …

  604. JP Says:

    I only have two modes. Not interested in dating or 100% exclusive. It’s on or off.

    The problem is that the 100% exclusive becomes boring after a year or two because you get tired of interacting with that particular person.

    Generally I decide whether I want to be with the person before I start dating because the purpose of dating is marriage.

  605. Guano Dubango Says:

    Hello, I am back from a week in Ghana. I see that others are giving advice. Is there not room for someone to date a sincere Ghanian? My Aunt Ooona said to be more direct about my needs. Is this too crass for American women?

  606. Wiki-Pig Says:

    Guano, do you look like a fireman?

  607. JP Says:

    I have heartburn from eating too many cookies.

    Also, I’m morbidly obese again.

  608. Wiki-Pig Says:

    Knock that shit off! Too many cookies is a sublimation for….? what do you think? A non-Erisa job? There mere mention of Harold or Guano?

  609. Harold Says:

    I should never be considered in the same way as Guano. Pussy comes to me naturally. That schnook has to beg for it from dogs I would hesitate to hump, unless I had at least 5 beers!

  610. JP Says:

    But cookies make me feel good. All the sugar and fat. Mmmmmmmm.

  611. JP Says:

    It’s sublimation for a combination of not knowing who I am, not knowing what I want out of life, severe underachievement, and lack of exercise.

    And the need for yummy cookies.

  612. Not A Lawyer Says:

    The kids and I just made pumpkin chocolate chip cookies. Yum. But I had to get htme out of the house, so we sent them down to the neighbors.

    Harold, you’re a pig. Not a nice pig, like our Pig. Just a pig.

  613. Wiki-Pig Says:

    Every so often I find myself in a conversation with some homeless guy who seems to be normal. There was the slickster who insisted he was a Vietnam Vet but didn’t look older than me, and couldn’t name one place in Vietnam. I mean not one. Or the one who talked knowledgeably about being a broker. He said he became an alcoholic and lived for booze now.

    Every time this happens with Ms. Pig, she wrinkles up her nose later and says she wishes I wouldn’t get into chats with these guys. But she is always giving them food. On Christmas once she insisted on going out (and dragging me with her), to give food to homeless people sleeping in a Santa Monica outdoor mall, which is safer than downtown Los Angeles.

    But I notice they unfailingly treat her with a deference that is different from the deference I get for being fitter, cleaner and probably more educated than they are.

    You can call it old fashioned or mindless efforts by even homeless men to “reinforce patriarchial dependence of women.” But none of them, even when she drifts away or is a distance away, ever refer to her in a demeaning way. Sometimes admiringly as men will do with each other, but not demeaning.

    Harold, I can’t be sure if you are “all hat and no cattle,” as I suspect, or if you just have lower standards, or if you are just missing a chip. But not even homeless guys talk like you.

    JP, I look forward to reading your book in 5 years. Knock off the cookies. Even if you avoid a heart attack like my dad had in his early 50′s, you’ll wind up needing viagra in your 40′s as all your arteries have narrowed. You are too smart to die from the inside. What did Henry Ford (the real one)say?”Most Americans dig their grave with their teeth.” And that was before fast food.

  614. Harold Says:

    I just say it like it is. Women who are interested in honesty go for me. If you don’t, not to worry. I’ve got enough on my plate already. You concentrate on the fireman. He sounds like a nice gent.

    If you change your mind you know where I am!

  615. JP Says:

    It’s suicide by cookies. I’ve decided that morbid obesity is the best way to go.

    That way I can get a reality show.

    “The half-ton lawyer.”

  616. Harold Says:

    I guess that brassy dame has her fingers busy elsewhere!

  617. Wiki-Pig Says:

    Good, I hope she’s with the fireman or some decent substitute.

    JP, the “50 shades” author is now marketing products inspired by the book.

    Another reason to lay off the cookies: avoid humiliation: if you’re hit by a car and some cable channel reports on the accident:

    CNN: “I see some of the paramedics have been injured… theys eem to be in agony”

    REPORTER: “They sprained their backs trying to extract the gargantuan driver . . .”

    CNN: “Can you tell us what caused the accident?”

    RPTR: “The driver, who you see on our coptercam, said he was reaching for a cookie after leaving chik fil A..”

    CNN: “Uh Bill, the screen just whited out. Is there a bright light on your end?

    Rptr: “No, Erin, the paramedics just removed the driver’s shirt and that is his stomach taking up most of the screen.”


    CNN: “there is a loud noise now…”

    Rptr: “Erin I’m sorry, his stomach shifted and knocked over the sound man and the mic got jammed into the driver’s navel…we’re trying to use the laws of life to extract the mic.”

    CNN: “Do we know the driver’s name?”

    Rptr: yes it is J——P——” who lives in _______.

    CNN: “How embarrassing for him.”

    And what about humiliation to us?

    CNN: “who are the other people there?”

    Rptr: “well these is a blonde texan with good hair, pretty good breasts and a lot of credit cards that were just stolen by an older man and a woman in a tube top who came on the scene, took the texan’s purse and and fled. And another person, from California–where else– who insists he is a Pig. ”

    CNN: who is the man in cuffs?

    Rptr: “He grabbed a paramedic’s breast and said “I get pussy whenever I want it, so do what I want baby and you’ll be OK.”

    CNN: “What a bunch of weirdos”

    Rptr: “The driver is being forcibly restrained now, as he kept trying to get back in the car to get another cookie.”

  618. JP Says:

    I just ate at Chick Fil-A again.


    I also had cookies this morning.


    (Note: My weight is not actually fluctuating. It generally remains stable, which means that becoming morbidly obese means that I will have to actually eat when I’m not hungry.)

  619. Not A lawyer Says:

    Mmm Chick Fil-A. Why do I always want Chick Fil-A on Sunday? It’s our usual Tuesday pre-soccer meal.

    I like your story, Pig! But what was the Pig doing on the scene? Trying to save JP while giving Tony and Tube Top the looks of disgust they both deserve, giving the blond texan a hug and telling her that everything is going to be ok?

    No fireman yet – he texted to say that he has been busy with his side job and travelling and will call me today.

    I went out last night to drink too much with my girlfirends as a new divorcee should. There were a lot of studded/sparkly shirts and spiked up hair, and 2 guys wearing 3 piece suits. Quite funny.

    I spent a good part of the night talking to a guy, dancing, laughing at the suit guys. After all of that, he tells me that he’s married, feels used by his NEW wife, and wants my number in case things change. SERIOUSLY!?

  620. Harold Says:

    If the fireman wanted to pipe you, believe me he would have. I suggest you make it known to him that your legs will part faster than the Red Sea did for Moses if he decides to visit your humble abode. Good luck with the hosing!

  621. Guano Dubango Says:

    Hello, I am back. Any new developments? Does anyone have a suitable law beauty for me?

  622. JP Says:

    I could never enjoy going out when I was younger, let alone now.

    Although I’m apparently wonderful at eating jello shots and nearly dying.

    Go figure.

  623. JP Says:

    I ate four apples today. My wife made me feel too guilty about engorging myself at Chick-Fil-A.

  624. Harold Says:

    Douche, why should we care what you ate? Unless you’re piping a movie star, we don’t want to hear what you are eating.

  625. JP Says:

    Because I’m trying to become morbidly obese to get my own reality show.

    I need some support.

  626. Not A lawyer Says:

    Harold, Obviously Pig and I care. have you not noticed Chick Fil-A, donuts and cookies are an ongoing topic of interest to the three of us? JP – I care.

    If I were getting laid left and right as I’m sure you are harold, I wouldn’t be on this blog harassing another man about eating cookies. So unless you are willing to admit to your pathetic-ness as the rest of us do, we don’t care what kind of blow-up doll you are banging.

  627. Guano Dubango Says:

    I support Not a Lawyer. She should not have to have sex with a man unless she is interested in marriage.

  628. JP Says:

    And I have a goal. A dream. A vision for my future.

    No more will I rot in obscurity while Paris Hilton does whatever it is that she does.

    The world will know me in all of my lardish glory.

  629. Harold Says:

    I can admit that I do not always succeed in bagging the babes I go for. No one bats 1.000 or even .500, but I do pretty well for myself and the ladies are happy too, as I am attentive to their needs too.

  630. Wiki-Pig Says:

    Its 648 pm.

    He’s sitting here eating celery sticks. I did answer the call of my inner JP and polished off a boatload of red vines before I stopped myself.

    Still wondering what Chik Fil A tastes like. Convinced that Harold a wifeless, girlfriendless, childless man in his late 40′s living in detroit, in a self-styled “man cave” (run down apartment) near a freeway, sitting on a sprung-spring couch, near a floor litttered with beer cans, old chinese food and pizza boxes, wearing a wife-beater t-shirt, with a toilet that hasn’t been cleaned in months, a rust-strained sink, and clothes that he smell tests before he puts them on. No guy in his 20′s and probably not his 30′s refers to parting legs like “the red sea.” Harold, harold. I bet you own some sparkly shirts too! But at least you’re not Jerry Sandusky oriented. A slob, but a semi-decent slob. (clean that sink and toilet OK? Jeez!)

    Convinced that JP is a slender, owlish man is his thirties, who delights in masquerading as something other than he is. I am not going to worry about JP anymore. No man that smart could eat that way on a regular basis. I bet JP is the guy that would stay silent while everyone else was smoking grass and laughing, and then he’d make some profound (for high people), remark that everyone would have to think about. The “if god can do anything, can he make a rock so big that even he can’t lift it?” type of thing.

    NAL seems to be what she says she is. Good thing too: we can’t have more than one person threatening to explode with doughnuts and cookies.

    Trying to develop a good reason we would all meet accidentally and then wind up in JP’s car, with Harold no less, and followed by tube top. I wasn’t eyeing the luxurious 27 course dinner in the remote mansion for the eastern US, but it makes sense since everyone but me is there, and its almost next door for NAL. Harold where are you generally if not burned out detroit? And Guano, you seem like an east coast guy. This is going to take some work.

  631. Not A Lawyer Says:

    In the coming days I will find myself in Cincinnatti, Washington DC, Detroit, Dallas, and St. Louis. The most glamorous of stops on my tour is the one not work related (DC to see my family). I miss business class to NYC, boutique hotels and huge per diems. :(

  632. JP Says:

    I am not that slender, but I suppose I’m owlish if by that you mean people think I’m some sort of professor.

    My practice group leader once called me an “enigman”.

    That wasn’t exactly helpful to my career there.

    Who else is holding short here?

  633. Wiki-Pig Says:

    Yup, owlish.

    Ah, NY on a per diem….hotels with a view of central park…..great dinners…..I forced myself a few times to stay at the Helmsley Parklane despite its eroded level of service and terrible AC in the summer because i loved its 2d floor breakfast room so much, and the views of the Park in the winter…..sigh. The redone Plaza is awfully nice too. That would be a great place to drop a few million for a 3 bedroom condo now. Those were great trips with a girlfriend.

    The four seasons was nice too but i always felt uncomfortable there because everyone else wearing jeans seemed to have had them dry cleaned and pressed. Did you grow up in DC? (Watch it in Detroit. That place really is crumbling.)

  634. JP Says:

    Enigma. Not enigman. I mispeeeled.

    DC has lots of memories for me.

    I played in the House of Representatives in high school. That was back when they would let you use it for pretend politics. So you could basically rent it if it wasn’t being used and have political debates.

    Also, I once was in the Capitol Police room playing with the video cameras. That was entertaining. That’s when the company I was interning was trying to sell them software.

  635. Not A lawyer Says:

    The greatest perk of working remotely for a NY firm….the mandatory meetings in NY. I miss them so. Funny enough, I’ve never been to NY for fun. Never seen a show or been to Central Park. I’ve barely been to the Met. When I am there it’s airport-office-drinks-dinner-hotel-office-reapeat. Tony absolutely HATED me for these trips, and told me I was selfish for taking them. I didn’t enjoy them as much as I should have.

    I still have many colleagues there, but my current reporting line has my boss AND my staff in St. Louis. Lucky me. Luckily I also have a cousin there, so will have long boozy dinner with great company.

    Pig my mom was from Pittsburgh and her 3 brothers and sister are spread out. DC is where one of my uncles lives so we are all meeting there. This is my Irish/Italian Catholic side of the family. They love a good party, so I can’t wait. I’m not even leaving the airport in Cincinatti or Detroit, so they don’t really count.

  636. Banker Bill Says:

    You like NY, I work in NY, and I think so does the Guana guy! I say you and Guana meet while you are in town! Maybe he can show you the town, you will be swept off your feet, and you will wind out marrying him and moving to Guana!

  637. Harold Says:

    Be glad you have female parts! That’s the only reason us guys put up with all of your puteneska.

  638. Wiki-Pig Says:

    What a week. Working very long hours. Had to drive 50 miles south for a meeting Thursday. Of course it rained, snarling traffic, causing fender benders and making me wonder why on earth we have a perfectly good freeway lane reserved for “high occupancy vehicles.” They are always used by gardners, fedex, cackling old people, and an occasional lone driver who is sometimes snagged by the highway patrol. What a waste of a lane.

    Friday was better: no rain but an all day meeting with time pressures because this bloody case seems to be going to trial. On the way out of the building a very attractive woman smiled at me, but fool that I am, I was in a hurry. I assumed I had something untucked, or forgot to shave one side of my face, or something. Anyway, she is 50 miles away, and premium gas being 5 a gallon nowdays, that wouldn’t work, and Ms. Pig would not take well to it at all if it did.

    Going back there was a big hold up for the Shuttle, which is being moved near the freeway and clogging everything: I could barely see it: its huge!

    Got back to the office on Friday night, left at 8, stopped to get a JP-like roll, some food so no one had to cook, and went home, had 4 glasses of wine from a Cakebread Cellars Chard, and slept like a log.

    Ms. Pig is pretty tolerant of these periods when I am out of pocket as a person. But I always feel bad about imposing it on her. There is probably some Harold-like goul lurking about would say “want to go out and get piped tonight?”

    I remember going to cities too and never being able to sight see. I always wanted to get home to see my kids. I am still that way if the kids are with me.

  639. Harold Says:

    Pussy stank, but so do marijuana!

  640. Wiki-Pig Says:

    You are one classy guy Harold. A truly suave and debonair presence. You a re actually a great testing device: any woman that wants you is one I don’t want. So we can be friends again.

  641. Not A lawyer Says:

    Harold I’d bang you. No….No I wouldn’t.

    I’m home for a brief stint then out to St. Louis tonight. My kids are staying with my neighbor since my baby daddy doesn’t want to disclose his actual address, lies about where he takes the kids. They are better off staying with another family.

  642. Wiki-Pig Says:

    as long as you don’t go to “Tony’s Steakhouse there. Google gives a list of good places, and st louis magazine a list of good italian restaraunts.

  643. Wiki-Pig Says:

    JP are you lying under a giant doughnut or in the ER having your arteries cleaned out? hello?

  644. JP Says:

    I have 12 hearings this week. My mind hurts. Help me Chick-Fil-A, you’re my only hope….


    I think I could survive a long time on concentrated fat and sugar. You know, the kind that you find in chocolate.

    Last time I was in St. Louis, I felt absolutely no need to leave the hotel-conference complex. Well, I got myself invited out on some Illinois attorney’s expense account. Which is what happens when you give an associate the firm credit card.

  645. Harold Says:

    You would not regret it. Your choice.

  646. Not A Lawyer Says:

    What in Sam Hill is going on here? Jeeeez. JP, please opine. Q3 results don’t suck. Stock price goes up. And he resigns. Oh the drama.

  647. JP Says:

    He didn’t like the CEO experience and he had a golden parachute.

    Just like Obama, who really doesn’t enjoy being president but has a golden parachute.

  648. Banker Bill Says:

    I’ve been away for a while. It sounds like people are getting along OK still. That’s a good thing.

  649. JP Says:

    I think Harold is in heat.

    Either that or he’s spawning.

    I can’t really tell.

  650. Wiki-Pig Says:

    Harold is sperming, not spawning. I think he is on the sidewalk with a sign “Have Condom Will Travel,” or is standing in the St Louis airport with one of those signs: “Not A Lawyer, Its Harold. I Have No STD’s.”

  651. Not A Lawyer Says:

    Word on the street is that the regulators didn’t care for him and the board didn’t care for him either. No word yet on the parachute, but it’s probably pretty generous.

    PTA Carnival planning is in full swing, so I was barraged with emails singing Tube Top’s praises for her wonderful decorations. She responded more than once to all saying she just couldn’t have done it without Tony and the other Jennifers! Awww. Cute.

    My consoloation is that I get my kiddos for Halloween this year. No difference since I spent the last 2 Halloweens alone with them while Tony went to Rangers games and sat in $500 seats that he now expects me to pay for. But at least I don’t have to turn them over to him….this year.

  652. JP Says:

    I’m noticing signs that your marriage might have been in decline well in advance of the Credit Card Crisis.

  653. Not A Lawyer Says:

    Hindsight is 20/20, JP. I was still blissfully in love.

  654. JP Says:

    I thought you were dating/married for a while. General boredom and dispassion hadn’t set in yet?

  655. JP Says:

    And it looks like I will be cutting my short position in the next few days.

    Time to wait again because I guess we are on the QE express to infinity.

  656. Harold Says:

    If NAL is hot I would take care of the kids too.

  657. JP Says:

    Harold, you’re clearly in heat.

    Can’t you just wander into a sorority house somewhere tell them that you are Benjamin Buttons and are actually 21 and see what happens?

  658. Not A lawyer Says:

    I am hot and I take care of own kids. Well, hot is relative. I’m hotter than the chick in the tube top, which isn’t saying much.

    No JP. We had ups and downs and fights, but Tony was always quickly forgiven without ever really taking accountability or apologizing. That’s what happens when one partner is in love and the one is not. When the marriage imploded, it was fast and furious.

    Oh yeah, go long. I think financial services are bound to bounce back, no?

  659. Wiki-Pig Says:

    Harold is what Guano would be like if he were more aggressive, wore a wife-beater tshirt, and had a jowly face. I have to say, pestiferous (always liked that word) as Guano is, I like him better.

    JP/NAL, NAL was very uncritically supportive of Tony, and yes, in love with him, and its amazing that he let such a good deal go. Its got to be hard on NAL though, since her affection can’t just vanish overnight.

    Plus he’s just different than she is: so his kids are having a Halloween, and he’s off at a football game?

    There is a divide between parents: you can see it: Some parents at Halloween parties stay at the party and get tanked while talking to other parents; others go out with their kids and trick or treat with them. Their kid could be out being lured into a house, beaten up or lost and they wouldn’t know.

    Same thing at pool parties: some watch their kids and stay near the pool; others go inside or hover near the food serenely sure that someone else is watching their kid. You see them on the news sometimes: “I just went inside for a minute…”

    I’ve never been able to understand not wanting to want to watch kids grow up (I get a a drink an then get tanked while I watch them go house to house).

    JP: if Romney wins, he’ll probably fire Bernake, use a veto now and then, and so on: but if Obama wins, why assume you should short it?

    PS to NAL: if friends are hitting on you instead of ignoring you, you’re hot enough.

  660. JP Says:

    NAL: Have you thought about starting “The Tony Fund” at school?

    This could be a fund dedicated to sustaining Tony and his lifestyle so that he does not descend into a state where he is very sad with his eyes welling up with sadness to the point where all of the Jennifers get sad and pouty.

    People can receive Monthly “Tony Reports” so that they know how the Tony money is being spent and how much pleasure Tony is receiving.

    You can also hire a consultant who can advise Tony on where he can get the most bang for his buck, whether it’s box seats or a trip to Bermuda.

  661. JP Says:

    GOOG had it’s own private flash crash today.

    That was certainly interesting.

    At least they stopped trading.

  662. Wiki-Pig Says:


    ever seen that grave marker in Tombstone Arizona’s Boot Hill cemetery? A wells Fargo bank agent got into a dispute with a customer. Both drew their guns and the bank officer was hit with 4 .44 slugs. He died, but not before fatally wounding the other guy. The bank Officer, one Lester Moore, was buried under a gravestone that keeps him famous to this day: “Here Lies Lester Moore/ 4 slugs from a /44/No Les/No more.”

    We could jointly put ads in newspapers

    “Tony the Phony had a good deal; but left after taking all he could steal; left kids in the nest, and two better breasts, and now is just a fat heel.”

    Or: “Here Lives Tony The Heel;
    Left Wife after taking all he could steal;
    He likes his good livin’
    If paid for by women
    And rarely misses a meal.”

  663. JP Says:

    NO! Tony has needs.

    Tony needs to be funded.

    NAL’s credit cards kept in the manner to which he had become accustomed.

    Now NAL’s gone. Poof. No more credit cards.

    So, he’s got to have another source of funding.

    And a charity is a great way to go.

  664. Wiki-Pig Says:

    We can set up a charity, collect lots of money, pay ourselves lavish salaries, have chauffered limousines, large expense accounts, secretaries with long legs and short resumes, chick Fil A delivered…….We can induce Tony to submit to a “mockumentry” film ….you always have good ideas!

  665. JP Says:

    No, I want to provide Tony lots of good things so that he is always happy.

    I think this goal is achievable.

    We just need enough chartered jets to keep up with his travel itinerary.

  666. Wiki-Pig Says:

    No, I think I’d rather have you and NAL on a chartered jet. We can do barrel rolls over the grand canyon, soak ourselves in liquor and drugs, and be home before the kids know we were gone.

    And we could print some dummy tickets inviting T and 5 friends to a big Dallas game so he can arrive only to find they are fake.

    So was that Citi guy forced out by the impending disclosure of a sexual harassment investigation, expense account abuse, a series of DUI’s or did he just decide he doesn’t want to be there when the bank slumps?

  667. Not A Lawyer Says:

    I’m with you, Pig! However, Tony does need to be funded or he will bully and harass me until the end of time. And now I’m really hungry for Chick Fil-A.

    I’m guessing Pandit was forced out after a long-standing disagreement with the board over strategic direction. Pandit is a hedge fund guy. Perhaps the board feels they’ve hedged enough. You know. If I had to guess. As a total outsider.

  668. JP Says:

    Given my experiences with alcohol, I can only guess that adding drugs to me would not result in net gains to the general happiness of humanity.

    I’m quite happy to be short today.

    GOOG just took out yesterday’s crash lows.

  669. Harold Says:

    If NAL is still that hot, Tony would still be piping her and maybe they’d still be married.

    Not to say she is not worth a good roll in the sack –I think any one of us would provide good horizontal company for her — but I think we’re getting only one view of the carcass from her. If JP and Wikipig rent an airplane, they can have the time of their lives with her at 30,000 feet.

  670. Not A lawyer Says:

    Harold, you don’t get it. I could look like a playboy model (which I don’t) and Tony would still not be attracted to me if he felt that I was superior to him in any way (which I am).

  671. Harold Says:

    Ok, he is dumber than me. I know that Charlize Theron is super hot. I also admit she’s a lot smarter than me. If somehow she was to come into my life with romantic intentions, I would swallow my ego and be her willing partner. I know I could live with that, and put up with the times when she was wrong about things because of her looks.

  672. Banker Bill Says:

    Harold may be somewhat crude but what he is saying that attractive females can have their way with us based on our inate desire for procreative sex.

  673. JP Says:

    I think we’re confusing short term flings with long term relationships here.

    I actually got into a “no, I would not sleep with you” argument with a woman once. Her position: “I’m hot! You would so have me!”

    Me: Uh, no. (Unsaid – And based on the fact that you tried to set me up with someone in whom I had zero interest, you clearly don’t get me.)

  674. Wiki-Pig Says:

    “Harold may be somewhat crude but what he is saying that attractive females can have their way with us based on our inate desire for procreative sex.”

    -Uhm, Bill, I don’t think that was in any way unclear: women seem to have figured that one out by age 18 at latest.

    Harold’s offer of eternal fealty is no different than you being propositioned by a 160lb, woman who insists that she’ll be your love-slave if you just sleep with her. Its not what you want.

    One of the many things Harold does not grasp–other than himself–is that women able to have a Harold at the snap of fingers want men THEY want.

    Men better-looking, richer, younger, smarter or some combination of all of those. At least stable and with no proclivity for running up debts they cannot pay for. Men that use Tom Ford cologne or brush their teeth more than once a week. Promising that he’ll take care of her doesn’t get there if he is boorish, unappealing, wears a sparkly shirt, or worse, can’t take care of her.

    Plus he’s begging now: terrible mistake: Why would a woman want some guy like Harold who is a doormat in the end? All bravado till he is in desperate need of being laid, and promises to put down his pork rinds, wash his hair, and floss his teeth if she’ll just pleeeaaasseee sleep with him?

    Anyway, NAL, how did custody or visitation work out?

    JP: what are you selling short?

    (PS: you turned down the hot one also because she wouldn’t really do it right? To keep your dignity: I mean you didn’t turn her down if you thought she would have done it?)

  675. JP Says:

    I only sell short the entire market. Meaning I buy an inverse fund.

    I think at that point I was disgusted by her in general since she had engaged in some random hooking up and threesome-ish behavior.

    At the time, I considered such behavior depraved. Kind of like being a Nazi or a slave owner.

    I would have made an ideal college student in a puritan expansionary era.

    My social life wasn’t the greatest because, looking back on it, my social positions were considered actively insane by my fellow college students. I think I was still in favor of criminalizing and expelling fornicators at that time.

    I was such a gem!

  676. JP Says:

    Among other exciting behaviors, I also engaged in the following distinctly pro-social behaviors (I could probably think of others if I bothered to):

    (1) Chewing out one of my friends for being depraved enough to engage in pre-marital sex.

    (2) Giving a speech to other law students about how swearing of any kind was depraved and essentially evil.

    In hindsight, I can now see where some of my stunning popularity and large pool of friends came from.

  677. Wiki-Pig Says:

    So now you are a depraved, anything goes, non-judgmental, lawyer; doing good by day, shorting the market while munching on chick fil A and making Romney-like profits by night?

    Q: Was that a religious dampening of your wild side? Or as with me, a small town for the first 18 years that simply didn’t make such things as readily available as tractor pulls, bronco riding and making out in hay bales?

    Certain things in college were beyond me: anything more serious than grass, (so no LSD, heroin etc no matter how liberating they were described as being–no coke either!), sex with fat people, sex with unattractive people, letting any woman tie me up (loss of control issues–but then no one ever tried, so it was never an issue); hanging out with guys like Harold, or hanging out with guys that read Cotton Mather and objected to premarital sex. Those are still beyond me. But in light of your established genius, good humor and taste in food, (and presumed non-objection to any threesomes or pre-marital sex I had), I assume none of us needs to worry about some puritanical fatwa from you right?

    Q The real Q is if any of us have engaged in threesomes since? (No, Harold, you and both of your hands is not a threesome, nor is sex with your wife, even if described as “loading the dishwasher” kinky enough to tell us about).

  678. JP Says:

    I wasn’t even that religious, which means that I didn’t really get along with the evangelicals because they were always trying to convert me.

    Anyhow, I’m much less stupid now.


  679. JP Says:

    For NAL:


  680. Not A Lawyer Says:

    Wow JP! We could not have been friends. Swearing and fornication are 2 of my favorite things. I’m curious though – if not for reliegious reasons, why did you consider it depraved?

    Pre-marital sex may have been the norm in our day, but I do worry about the next generation as our entertainment and even media seem more and more over-sexed. Remember when Sex and the City was radical? Now we have reality shows like Gigolos and the internet.

    The article was spot on.

  681. Not A Lawyer Says:

    Never done a threesome, but a guy my friend dated 10 years ago once told all of his friends that he’d had a threesome with her and I. That should count for something.

    My college roomate used to do it with her boyfriend on the bottom bunk while I slept. Does that count?

  682. JP Says:

    I have no idea. I just internalized the idea that they were evil. I suppose that there was some religious element, in the sense that there’s a transcendental divine moral order that must be adhered to, but I wasn’t particularly fundamentalist. In fact, I made fun of religious fundamentalists, because my approach was generally scientific, albiet rigid.

    So, I pretty much fit in with the small subsection of people like me, non-religious fundamentalists who were moral fundamentalists and wanted to expel and jail most of the college population. Which numbered approximately 1.

    I suppose figured that there were transcendent moral commands that needed to be obeyed without question.

    To me, you didn’t kill people for the same reason that you don’t swear or engage in non-marital sex. They are evil actions per se and those who engage in them have no value and must face the rod of correction.

    And yes, I eventually realized that projecting my perfectionism on the general public was not a way to win friends and influence people.

    As my wife would attest to, I have issues.

    Considering that she woke me up all night during the camping trip this weekend in the hopes that I wouldn’t scream out “Fuck You” at the top of my lungs waking up all the cub scouts.

    She also doesn’t like me to be drunk because it removes my inhibitions. Generally, it’s best to leave my inhibitions in place.

    I’ve also been advised to never join a cult and totally buy into their worldview. Basically because of the danger that such an event could pose to the general public.


  683. JP Says:

    Here’s a good description of my retardedness:

    Moral Anger!:

    Moral Anger: Some people think they have a right to be angry when others have broken a rule. That makes the offenders bad, evil, wicked, sinful. They have to be scolded, maybe punished. People with this anger style feel outraged about what bad people are doing. They say they have a right to defend their “beliefs.” They claim moral superiority. They gain the sense that anger is for a good cause. They don’t feel guilty when they get angry because of this. They often feel superior to others even in their anger. These people suffer from black-and-white thinking, which means they see the world too simply. They fail to understand people who are different from themselves. They often have rigid ways of thinking and doing things. Another problem with this anger style is crusading – attacking every problem or difference of opinion with moral anger when compromise or understanding might be better.

  684. Wiki-Pig Says:

    NAL: When someone boasts about having a 3some with you, its as good as having done one, and people somewhere think you did. A 75% credit. But no, a roommate going at it in the next bunk is not. I do think that has to be one of the most depressing situations: lying there when other people are having sex. It would take an exceptionally unusual woman to climb down and get into the bunk with the other two.

    Are you back from St Louis? Did you stay and savor the trip for a bit? I don’t know what there is to savor there, but I hope you did.

    JP, I have no problems swearing or engaging in sex with good looking women anywhere except where kids are present, in a cemetery (ugh), unclean public restroom, Harold’s apartment (but i repeat myself), or a church/synagouge/ or mosque.

    Who would you be saying “F you” to if you did in that tent?

    Do you think you got married too young?

    What advice would you give your 20 year old self if you could today?

  685. Not A Lawyer Says:

    Sounds like my in-laws….and this one d-bag that lives around the corner from me. In his crusade to defend Tony’s reputation and rights as a father, he trashes me constantly. He stalks me on facebook (though I deleted him long ago) and generally obsesses over my divorce. When Tony calls me yelling about something I’ve said or done, its been reported to him through this guy.

    I’ve seen him do the same thing to another divorcee in the neighborhood (the one that moved to FL and tattooed wings on her back). And I just wonder, why does someone else’s personal life make him so angry? Even her husband wasn’t as angry about it….WTF should he care?

    He’s also the one that introduced Tony and Tube Top. Birds of a feather…..

  686. Wiki-Pig Says:

    JP: you know a lot of people become furious with people who “cheat” by sneaking into freeway lanes, cut in line and bring 22 products to the “Maximum 12 items” line.

    I personally think its a healthy way to think in many cases: people like that become furious with muggers, union pensions rip offs, polluters, mooching ex husbands and lazy teachers. Nonjudgmental people sit by and let people be mugged, public funds stolen etc.

    But I think you seem a bit like a republican who has not had enough fun.

    Maybe you ought to have an affair. NAL is going to kill me for this, but maybe its a needed thing for you to even out an live a long life. I am worried about those self destructive eating habits. That will slim you down in no time and make you feel like you’re alive…but then I suppose it could cause enormous emotional and financial wreckage…

  687. Not A Lawyer Says:

    Yes I’m back. I was in and out pretty quickly and saw only my office and my hotel room. I did manage to squeeze in drinks with my cousin who I love dearly, so it was a great trip.

  688. Not A Lawyer Says:

    PIG!!!!! An affair? Really? JP – how about just a threesome? (I’m not volunteering, just making a helpful suggestion.)

  689. JP Says:

    Oh, I stopped the chick fil-A.

    I’m back to coffee and salads, basically.

    I need some more exercise. Walking should reduce my stress.

    Affair = bad idea for me. Financial and emotional wreckage is pretty much a given since I can be into precisely one person at a time. The advice might work for someone who had sex with more than say, one person, their entire life. Although I have kissed five people. And that counts the two women who just spontaneously started kissing me for no apparent reason.

  690. Wiki-Pig Says:

    NAL, JP has repressed anxiety over his past life, a feeling that his future is everyone else’s past–except that he’s married and can’t have his past in his future……

    …so it will bubble up at age 50 in all kinds of unsuitable ways–leering at young girls, drinking hard alcohol at bars till the wee hours, asking people for threesomes…..I don’t want my daughters leered at by a chick fil a munching man….Better that he get over it now. And its hardly fair that he’s married when you and I are divorced. He needs to be on firm footing going forward…

    True, JP, it may cost you the wife (she’ll know instantly), and there will be fewer cub scout outings, and sleepovers, but think of the fun! (This is from my soon to published Book “How to have an Affair” –you won’t be sleeping in tents with kids around. You’ll be sleeping in plush beds and , emerging from elevators at local hotels with brazen young hussys, and seeing people you know ……remember, most women like cads, so you’ll probably be in demand!

    …and you won’t be yelling “F you” in the middle of the night anymore…You’ll be so tired you’ll sleep like a rock…

    And OK, it will cost you financially, you’ll not see your kids as often, but you will probably live longer…

    One way to look at it: what if your wife divorces YOU when you’re 50 because she’s tired of you yelling “fuck you” in the middle of the night, and knocking over your drinks…. so you lose the benefits of marriage anyway, AND its too late to do all the fun stuff?

    If that is a bit much for now, the threesome NAL suggests might be good: there has to be some doe eyed intern, and if not, try to hire one! New lawyers are looking for resume builders these days.

  691. JP Says:

    I’m going to get this stupid REM sleep disorder fixed through the magic of modern pharmaceutical management.

    The chances of her divorcing me are relatively low, given that her parents actually hate each other and yet remain married.

  692. JP Says:

    And futures are down 1%.

  693. Not A Lawyer Says:

    If his wife leaves him at 50, AND he’s met his goal of becoming the half-ton lawyer, we could have a real problem on our hands. Pig, you’ll have to move in with him and get him on a sound diet – which won’t be hard since he’ll be bed-ridden. My next husband, a bodybuilding fireman, can be his persoanl trainer. I’ll be there for moral support and to pay his credit card bills.

    I turn 34 tomorrow and I can’t even attend my party because someone invited Tube Top and her crew and they ALL accepted. I feel a Real Housewives style confrontation brewing. The kind where all of the Jennifers just wander into whatever room I happen to be in, holding their glasses of Plump Jack, and then one Jennifer gets confrontational, and then the rest jump in. I leave crying, and they all have a ball gossiping the rest of the night.

    Even Tony is trying to convince me to go. Something is amiss here.

  694. JP Says:

    “I turn 34 tomorrow and I can’t even attend my party because someone invited Tube Top and her crew and they ALL accepted. I feel a Real Housewives style confrontation brewing. The kind where all of the Jennifers just wander into whatever room I happen to be in, holding their glasses of Plump Jack, and then one Jennifer gets confrontational, and then the rest jump in. I leave crying, and they all have a ball gossiping the rest of the night.”

    The solutions is one of two things:

    (1) Don’t go. I don’t recommend this option.

    (2) Go, but have on your game face the entire time. Talk about happy things, like butterflies, rainbows, sparkly things, how glad you are that Tony has found people to take care of him because he deserves only the best (which you were simply unable to provide), how the market got crushed today by the Richmond Fed, how happy you are for the Jennifers, just because their name is Jennifer, and because they are *all* simply awesome people.

    You work for a financial institution.

    Just pretend that you are trying to sell subprime CDOs to German pension funds.

    Ask yourself “What would Goldman Sachs do in this situation?”

    You get the picture.

  695. Wiki-Pig Says:

    No way: in 5 years, JP will be worth millions based on his stock trading, or be stuck to the furniture like those people I read about in the Daily Mail.

    But if I did, I’d drop his weight by 100 lbs, dump Biff The Wonder Stud (your husband) with an “all you can eat” certificate from JP’s stash, invite Harold and Bill, and we’d have five-some–eating chick fil A, and swilling good champagne of course.

    Even though I don’t smoke cigarettes, I’d smoke one afterwards. I still have a gold Dunhill lighter i got years ago when I puffed (not smoked!) on them. I’d use that. It makes that satisfying ‘click.’

    Then I’d put up a sign at your house: “The best fivesome ever!”). Man would you have explaining to do!

    Hey, Happy Birthday (in advance). Can’t tell how THEY got invited, but some cheap advice (cheap is usually the best because you know it already–its easy to say just hard to do–like buy low sell high).

    Go. Don’t let these miserable, pathetic people—ruin your life or close off parts of it. I agree with JP 100%.

    You are so far above these people, and so much better, it would be terrible to let them wet blanket your party. You’ll feel horrible if you stay away. (and then how will WE ever know what went on there?). We want all the details next day! Consider your self hugged by JP and me as of now!

    Plus, (this is evil Pig speaking), nothing will make them more miserable than seeing you happy: and you have a lot to be happy about: you’re young, attractive enough to have inspired a threesome rumor, employed at a very responsible job, with kids, and your debt machine of an ex husband has been offloaded on someone else.


    (Be sorry for them in a way: they seems like miserable people.)

    (if your party is at your place, lock the computer, hide the sex wax, and any prescriptions)

  696. JP Says:

    Yes, with my whopping 1.5% trade at the beginning of the year coupled with my current 1% trade, I should be on the royal road to riches in no time.

  697. Not A Lawyer Says:

    I feel much safer dodging them. They were invited because my dear sweet moms’ club has no idea that we all hate each other. I already have to face all of them on Friday for a PTA thing. I’ll think about it.

  698. Harold Says:

    I say we give NAL For her b-Day a Ménage a cinqo with a triple knock wurst special for each orifice. I don’t think she’d have any more fun then with us!

  699. JP Says:

    Harold, that’s a solution to a problem that doesn’t exist.

  700. JP Says:

    Oh, look!

    Somebody posted about my problem:

    I am so hating life this week.

  701. Not A lawyer Says:

    Awww, JP. That post reminds of the kids on my academic decathalon team in HS. I’d still rather experience the academic excellence and figure it all out by 31 than a life of social acceptance and intellectual mediocrity. Just sayin. We all turned out all right. I was raised by nerds like that, except they never “figured it out” the way he has.

    2 of the Jennifers bailed on the party. I may be back in! Then my daughter told me a story about how Tube Top pulled her aside one day at school while she was volunteering (and I, neglectful witch that I am was at work trying to convince banking assholes not to do stupid things that will result in ANOTHER $25B fine). She said, “You know your mommy is mean to Miss Jennifer and I?” This was a week ago. My 7 year old just told me about it. I don’t need to run into Tube Top any time soon or I may claw her eyes out.

    Seriously – I wish he’d go back to the chick on the golf course.

    Harold, again, no thanks.

  702. JP Says:

    I don’t have the slightest idea what you do about psycho-chick. Except know that Tony will get bored with her. So, time is on your side.

    My wife is currently dealing with a frenemy, which is kind of like what you are dealing with only even more stupid. This woman is flaky and difficult to deal with and is everywhere.

    If any part of my life was in the least bit satisfying, I would consider that a win.

    It’s hard to raise children when you actively hate living. What am I supposed to say to them? “It doesn’t matter how well you do in school because the world of work is both mind-numbing and pointlesss. Have fun.”

    Granted, my current social isolation was caused, in part, by me removing my inhibitions through the magic of alcohol. I got us banned from one house. Go, me!

    Professionally, law is a sales profession, which means that you have to sell your services to corporations. I didn’t actually believe that what I did was useful and since I had absolutely no idea how to engage in social interaction to sell the services that I didn’t believe in, I had to bail.

    Which is why I really do wish that I hand’t spent the entire time from age 14 to age 26 playing computer games, reading science fiction and fantasy, and sleeping. I really developed some solid life skills thmy ere.

    At which point I entered corporate law world confused as to what on God’s Green Earth I was supposed to do.

    The only reason that I know anything about finance and the stock market is because my wife demanded that I do one of her business school projects for her because she was confused by PEG ratios and whatnot.

    I’m going to go home and chew my arm off now.

  703. JP Says:

    Part of this is dealing with about 400 clients who are generally angry, homeless, and in severe pain.

  704. Not A Lawyer Says:

    If you haven’t been banned from somewhere sometime for SOMETHING, then you just ain’t livin’ right. Go JP! Tony’s entire wedding party was banned for life from a resort in Austin for the bachelor party hijinks. See – it’s what the cool guys do.

    Sales sucks. It’s time to get your MBA. Or have a 3some. Or an affair. Or take a vacation….whatever it takes, shake things up.

    Does it HAVE to be Harvard? An MBA from a local or state school is quite feasible while working full time. It worked for me. I just lucked out that UT has a satellite school just a few miles from my house though.

    On the psycho – yes, Tony will tire of her, but will she ever tire of ME? That’s the problem…..

  705. JP Says:

    Alienating your neighbors and embarrassing your wife in your wife’s hometown less than a mile from your house and your in-laws house is generally not a good idea.

    I’m 38, which is ancient in corporate world. After 40 and you are ready for the scrapheap.

    I can’t handle my own job (I just made my receptionist cry), so I can’t really take a part-time MBA.

  706. JP Says:

    Plus, we are having an understaffed office moment. And one of our assistants just had her two year old drown and die.

    Nobody wants to go to a baby funeral.

  707. Wiki-Pig Says:

    “It’s hard to raise children when you actively hate living. What am I supposed to say to them? “It doesn’t matter how well you do in school because the world of work is both mind-numbing and pointlesss. Have fun.”

    You’re really being self indulgently aggressive and pouty: “Gee, Abe, Mrs. Lincoln and I feel your life would be mind-numbing and pointless.”–”Gee, Pig, we started low, went thru a depression and lost a few relatives in WWII: we think life for you is pointless.”

    You already won a lottery by being born here, not Dubangostan: its so bad even Guano won’t go back, and makes constant excuses to his parents about not being able to find the “right woman.” I bet he’s out partying every night and uses those emails to show his parents.

    You aren’t missing a limb are you? You’re not a quad as a result of some drunk driver? How can you possibly complain?

    NAL, who is best by mean tube-topped hags, a moocher ex, a demanding job and the needs of 2 kids, has even taken time to point the way for you: Both she (a mix of fun and spirit restrained by the right amount of common sense and residual parental influence) and me, say you ought to slim down, have an affair, or do something to jump into the river of life. Stop piddling about in the shallows.

    Sure you may regret it later, but what will you regret more? Staying in place or risking it all for some hot babe–the kind you’d live under a bridge with? (she wouldn’t but you know what I mean). You’ll never be able to value what you have if you don’t know what its like not to have it. And vice versa.

    Or stay there and write a book. (I expect a credit as “El jeffe Wiki-Pig in Los Angeles).

    (Hug the mom that lost the 2 year old: all anyone can do)

  708. JP Says:

    I represent people who are dying and limbless. Generally, it’s a result of their own stupidity.

    You would have loved me in my international development class in law school.

    My position was that these societies were in the shape they were in because they were stupid, either themselves or their culture.

    I did end up with a 3.6 in that class. One of my higher grades in law school.

  709. JP Says:

    Anyhow, I’m probably generally angry because I have no idea who I am, what I want in life, or what I want to go do with myself.

    Apparently, people normally figure these things out in their 20s. I don’t even know how people figure themselves out.

    Ergo, I wander around feeling lost and angsty. So, yes, I’m 38 with permanent teenage angst.

  710. JP Says:

    And I just sold my inverse position.

    Now I wait to buy back in…

  711. JP Says:

    And my somewhat homicidal client just proudly showed me his knife.

    He got into lots of fights in prison.

  712. Wiki-Pig Says:

    “Anyhow, I’m probably generally angry because I have no idea who I am, what I want in life, or what I want to go do with myself.

    Apparently, people normally figure these things out in their 20s. I don’t even know how people figure themselves out.”

    – The 66% divorce rate in 1st marriages, rising percentage of kids out of marriage, bankruptcies, botox parties, and epidemic of debt and mooching ex husbands shows, very few people have any idea who they are either.

    –”normal people” in their 20′s……hmmmm.

  713. JP Says:

    Uh, even the divorced people I know (hello, ex-girlfried!) seem to be doing ok. They even help you in times of legal need (hello 24 hour process server).

    And a lot of the divorced people are dysfunctional in the first place (another HS friend – wow is all I have to say – abuse? adultery? by age 23? Huh?).

    Even my cousin who married her high school band teacher seems relatively content. Fortunately, that never erupted into a scandal.

    Most of my immediate family and friends seem to be doing well, generally because they are doing something that alligns with their skills. I don’t even know what skills I have.

    Remember, I deal with the really off the wall screwups on a regular basis. “How many times have you attempted suicide?” is a question I often ask.

  714. Wiki-Pig Says:

    I believe you “suffer” from a form of mental dislocation, disassociation of time, space, place and self quite common in people smarter than average, hence less content than average.

    A satisfying career as a Burger King Manager is not for you: (no slight intended on Burger King Managers, bank tellers, or yoga instructors; they’re just not what some people want to do as a lifetime job).

    Life in a small town is not for you either.

    Yet you and others like you look wistfully at people you know are not as smart as you, in jobs you would not want, and they seem so …content!

    But its not you, a small job.

    Your job matters: Richard Nixon once said famously that if he had not left law practice, he’s have been intellectually dead in 2 years and dead for real in 4.

    So perhaps you need a career re-boot. (I think you need that AND an affair ,but that’s just me).

    I make no claim to be smarter than anyone, but I would not have been a contended cow in a small town, or small job. Si i left the small town, and did not settle for a job with guys who like to sit around with lunch pails.

    I also evaded my moral responsibility to assist people who attempt suicide. I feel you have done your share and should find something you love.

    Besides, I’d like to read your books.

  715. Wiki-Pig Says:

    What happened at NAL’s birthday party? Was it OK?

  716. JP Says:

    I think she passed out.

  717. Wiki-Pig Says:

    Its been a tough few months: “tony goes on vacation” bills, the attack of the tube tops, guido-douche bag guys in sparkly shirts, the (probably gay) fireman, old friends hitting on her (“your problems can be solved by sleeping with me”), chick Fil A under attack, taking care of young kids… and oh yes a job. She’s handling it well for a scorpio…my ex would have come unglued by now.

  718. Wiki-Pig Says:

    BL!y has been very accommodating with this: on the other hand we are heading toward 1000 comments. But if we are wiped out, is there a chick fil a comment site where we can re group? I’d hate to miss out on your carer and NAL’s drama.

  719. Not A Lawyer Says:

    I’m with Pig, JP. You need a re-boot. And a threesome.

    I went to the party for an hour. All of the Jennifers bailed, so I decided it was safe to go. It was lovely! A great group of smart women. I was home by 9. Then one of the Jennifers (no doubt with the others) began drunk texting me at about 10pm.

    For your reading pleasure:

    “fyi – i know u think we talk about you amongst friends but your wrong we don’t talk about u at all. the only time your name is said out loud is when your children announce things u say about people. I asked shelly a question once and catrina a question once. other than that all we have ever done was be a friend to tony and your children. for the sake of your children keep them out of it!!! and quit bringing innocent people into your problems.”

    (My inner dialogue: Oh, you’ve never said anything huh? Okay, that’s nice, but I don’t really care what you say. I do not like that you are such an unfriendly bitch, but since there’s nothing to be done, I don’t really care about that either. And Shelly and Catrina told me exactly what you said. Again, not relevant because I don’t care that you think I’m a pathetic dillusional loser who wants my husband back. I know better. That’s all that matters.)

    “Leave me alone, Jennifer.”

    “we have never had ill will towards you. you are osrtacizing your neighbors and hurting your children.”

    (inner dialog: I live in a world where unfriending on facebook = ostracizing innocent people. F.M.L.)

    “I don’t want my children OR YOU involved in this. I don’t care what you say about me. As a matter of fact I fully expected it. Again Jennifer, stay out.”

    “that’s my point i don’t and no one does. who ever is saying so is lying and they are your problem…i am done discussing it. if you want to continue with this irrational behavior thats between you and your god.”

    (inner dialog: Holy Moly this chick is STUPID. Maybe she’ll let me borrow her bedazzled cross to talk to “my God?”)

    “Sure Jennifer. I’m keeping my distance from you and your friends. A peaceful, respectful distance where I don’t need to be in your drama. I’m not asking, Jennifer. Leave me alone.”

    I think the incident with my daughter put her over the edge….

  720. Not A Lawyer Says:

    Aaaand I’m officially 34. I’m starting to think that the even years are better than the odd ones for my persoanl life. 29 was horrible year for my marriage – we almost divorced then. At 31 my mom died and Tony began his downward spiral. At 33 we split up. 34 should be a rockin’ good time, no?

    My dad snuck in my house and left me a birthday card with a fat chack and sweet note where he told me he’ll always be there for me and I’ll always be his little girl.

    I am blessed. I am loved. And I don’t give a shit about Jennifer.

  721. JP Says:

    And the picture becomes clearer.

    Tell us about this year 29…and what happened…and why it almost collapsed then.

    My mother died when I was (thinking) 20. My dad had his stroke and became non-functional when I was (again thinking) 24 (?) maybe 23 (?).

    Anyhow, his marriage lasted about 3 years with an uber-Jennifer.

  722. JP Says:

    Those text messages are actually painful to read.

    The stupid…it burns….

  723. Wiki-Pig Says:

    The time tube pulled your daughter aside…painful to imagine, infuriating as a parent. Sorry you have to put with that shi_. It ought to be legal to respond with a baseball bat. But anyone sick enough to do that with a kid is in their own hell. PS: the fact that she felt compelled to drunk text.. she wouldn’t if she felt superior…she’s feeling some pressure from inside or out.

  724. JP Says:

    Also, I’m completely certain that a threesome would not benefit me in the slightest.

  725. Not A Lawyer Says:

    JP, you’re the only man on the planet who feels that way.

    Agreed on the texts. I am one of those that actually spells out words and punctuates my text messages.

    True Pig. I was actually having an enjoyable evening making truffles that look like spiders for my kids’ Halloween party this weekend and she was sitting around thinking about me and stewing. I am clearly not the loser in this situation.

    JP how long after your mom died did you dad re-marry? Any luck finding a Chick Fil-A forum?

  726. JP Says:

    It took my dad about three years to remarry. He was targeted for his high superintendency value. Uber-Jennifer decided to marry him *after* he had his stroke because there was no way for her to save face.



  727. Wiki-Pig Says:

    I am going to become a 3some broker now, using the ones JP and others don’t want.

  728. JP Says:

    Well, either Sudden Debt or Street Rat Crazy Saloon are both unattended blogs right now. I don’t know whether their owners are actually alive. I can create a blog post on the Saloon (which is where the commenters from Sudden Debt were banished), but I don’t own either of them.

    I don’t know of any other chat places because I don’t normally chat’.

    I’m a commenteer.

    At one point, I’m pretty sure that my father thought I was gay because apparently I wasn’t into ogling women or dating them. In hindsight, I can see his point, but the problem was that I was love-shy, not that I didn’t like women. And then my parents tried to set me up. Now that was a complete fiasco that went on for several months.

    My father and I don’t exactly have what you would call a functioning relationship.

  729. JP Says:

    Calvin J. Bear’s blog is open.

    I’m certain that he would love being infested with commenteers. At least it would really confuse him and I would think it was funny.

  730. Wiki-Pig Says:

    Well at least I’ll know where to find everybody if we’re wiped off.

    You are not alone on the dad issue. Most guys have a dysfunctional relationship with dad. (see movie “Big Daddy). Not until they are older is it clear that perhaps the old fud knew something after all. I remember being somewhat relieved -relieved-when my dad passed on to that big cattle stall in the sky. He was not exactly the great communicator either.

    And he wanted an athlete, and i was not interested. The coaches were wanna be tough guys. Sweating in football was fun for one year. That was enough.

    My parents also regarded me as the least likely to succeed in the family, and with good reason. I’d read all day in class, with a class book as cover for the real book. I got very mediocre grades. Flunked 2d semester algebra. Never studied. Fortunately I did not go to demanding schools, and even more fortunately, i was good friends with a girl who was good friends with cheerleaders. But i was way too shy to try to capitalize further on that.

    Some standardized test later on got me into college, but mom never opened report cards and never came to school (we had 6 kids). I was first to graduate from college and the only one of 2 to do anything after college. To this day, I suspect my mom regards me as some genetic freak. (I may be an heir to the english throne, or Guano’s distant cousin.)

    Anyway, you are not atypical. Except in not considering a 3 some. You have to come around on that.

  731. JP Says:

    My uncle was a neurosurgeon and my cousin is a pathologist.

    You would have thought that somebody, somewhere, might have suggested that I go to, I don’t know, med school?

    I came up with the law school idea all on my own.

  732. Harold Says:

    Happy birthday to Not a Lawyer. I hope you enjoyed your birthday, even without our help!

  733. JP Says:

    I voted!

    My vote doesn’t count, but now I won’t feel guilty about not voting on election day.

  734. Wiki-Pig Says:

    Of course your vote counts: 537 votes decided Florida in 2000 right?

    Now that this trial settled, I am going in person to vote. I love it: little old ladies and men, all of whom were once capable of having affairs and threesomes, now all dried up and devoting time to elections. My polling place is in someone’s garage. No way am i going to use a paper ballot: I love the low key drama. Besides, I might meet some cute woman.

    The older men, whose male equipment is now solely used to connect their bladder to the outside world, always seem to be silently signaling “Don’t waste time! You can’t have threesomes forever!”

    Every year people with nothing better to do try to eliminate something we voted for last year, or raise taxes. So I put on my curmudgeon hat.

    Prop 30 wants to raise state income taxes–again–to 11% I think; they say we “need it for schools,” but there is no requirement that it be spent on schools. Hmmmm. A local TV station just secretly filmed state workers buying vehicles with state money they then used as private cars–that’s hurting the “we gotta raise taxes claim.” NO on that one.

    Another wants to eliminate the death penalty, so NO on that one. (The LA Times opposes the death penalty and has been running stories all week opposing it, but they haven’t focused on the strongest point, which is that an executed inmate can never again have a threesome.)

    Now they say enforcing the death penalty is “too expensive,” but the reason is that they get to file all those habeas writs for years, claiming they didn’t have chick fil a as a kid and that’s what made them do it, and we have to pay for their lawyers.

    There are at least 10 of these damn things to read. Its really safest to vote NO on all of them I think.

    LA Times also says Chick Fil A business is way up as a result of the publicity.

    But why did you go to law school? You’re too young to have bene influenced by Watergate; was it a TV show? I have an excuse: I had no lawyers or doctors in my family, so I picked the one with no math.

  735. JP Says:

    With respect to law school, I was good a public speaking. Also, I needed a career where I could be assured of steady streams of income so that I could upgrade my wealth to the point where I would have enough wealth to actually accomplish something by age 55.

    I was always much better at math than I was at writing. I pretty much hate legal writing.

    I just wanted a steady exponentially increasing income stream.

    Engineering was politically and socially irrelevant, so it was a non-starter.

    In hindsight, trying to design a strategic life plan at age 20 (meaning that you sketch out where you want to be from 20 to 70) wasn’t the smartest idea.

    Being that I had no idea who I was, how life actually worked, or what I really wanted to do with myself.

  736. JP Says:

    My primary intellectual strengths are really mathematics and theoretical science along with history, specifically economic history.

    However, you just get made fun of your entire life doing those things, so I said “law school”!

    And history didn’t pay.

  737. Guano Dubango Says:

    I am not eligible to vote in the USA election, but I believe that Mr. Obama has done a great deal in the last 4 years — health care, the Dodd-Frank law and some other things, including Osama Ben Laden, makes me think that a lot of people will give him another 4 years.

    In the meantime, all I am looking for is a spouse to bear me issue. Are there no worthy women willing to bear me issue?

  738. Wiki-Pig Says:

    Guano, here is suggestion No. 2: if you won’t rename your country, maybe you could don a beret, grow long hair, ditch the suit, rename yourself “Che Guano-Dubango” and put up some posters on college campuses. “Help Me Liberate My Homeland! ” (With photos of nice dogs, suffering women, and oppressed little farmers)

    Dash off a small book of revolutionary platitudes, and see if impressionable college girls will fall for this. I mean really: trying to lure successful women to Dunabngostan isn’t working.

    I don’t think it will work, but Suggestion No.3: give NAL the exclusive banking concession in Dubangostan, with a royal charter and a salary of $2 million per year for not less than 7 years. Her headquarters office has to be near Central Park South.

  739. Not A Lawyer Says:

    I wish one could vote, “hell NO!” rather than just “no,” Pig. 11% state income tax is insane. And it’s pretty fair that if the extra funds are for schools, there is a plan in place to ensure that happens, right? Of course.

    Good call on not becoming a historian, JP. But I suppose it could pay if you wrote rerally fascinating books that became best-sellers.

    Guano – I’d consider bearing your issue for that deal if you’d consider bribing Tony to stay out of my life.

  740. Harold Says:

    NAL has named her price. Too rich for my wallet, but there are some guys with enough snatch to pay for prime twat. Go for it Guano!

  741. Wiki-Pig Says:

    Oh sure: one proposition asks for a tax hike “for the schools,” but opponents are quick to note that the official description admits new taxes go into the General Fund–the black hole-and maybe some might go to schools.

    They need $ for union employee pensions. When you let people retire at 55 with 100% of salary as a pension, there is never enough.

    We also have a 8.75% sales tax! They want to raise that too. Always one tax away from utopia you know.

    See Guano? 2 mill a year till she has a few kids and can’t bear to leave them. I’d do it myself if I had a spare 2 mill. Not he least of the fun would be anytime a guy tried to hit on her, she’d say “get lost, you guido douche bag!”

    As for bribing Tony, save the money: he’ll mooch forever. Troll a platinum card on a string under a piano being moved into a 10th floor window.

    Or if you’re squeamish and want to farm it out, or you just don’t want to waste a priceless Steinway, hire a blonde temptress. Fly them to to a “hip, upscale Hostel” in YourDeadisTan, where he will be sold into slavery and subjected to unspeakable actions that are so bad they are, well, unspeakable.

  742. JP Says:

    I think that you need to give Tony lots of warmth and understanding as he enters the second phase of his mid-life crisis, the unintended pregnancy and 21 years of future child support.

    Now that you have shattered his life and driven him into the arms of at least one, and possibly two or three Jennifers, you should make amends so that your children”s half-siblings will know you as, uh, that executive woman who sends us banking memorabilia for Christmas.

    Have you thought about taking a nice steaming hot cup of pumpkin latte to Jennifer’s house to let them know that they are still welcome in your life once he knock somebody up?

    Alternatively, have you thought of paying for a vasectomy for Tony?

  743. Wiki-Pig Says:

    JP if I were her I’d put gen gay on Jennifer’s thong underwear, send Tony endless sweets so he’d balloon, and park a block away from a magazine rack, and wearing a baseball cap, , open the smuttiest magazines and place an order by mail under Tony’s name using paste on stamps moistened by a damp sponge.

    When Tony passed, I’d offer to pay for the plot, then put 8 x 10 cards up on skid row promising all the free beer you can drink for showing up and peeing on his grave, then dedicate it as a dog park.

    Are you near any of this Sandy business?

  744. Not A lawyer Says:

    Jp your scenario is the most likely! When not schmoozing with the Jennifers, he is hanging with his friend (Best Man at our wedding) who has a taste for 22 year old bartenders. The only reason this friend ever accepted me in the first place was that I was a 23 year old part-time bartender (and full time entry level schmuck) with a lot of bartender friends.

    Anyhoo, despite being 42 and never having had a real girlfriend, the Best Man managed to snag a hot 23 year old fiance, and then dump her, and then get her back, and then dump her, and so on. She’s a single mom of a 4 year old and BM has A LOT of money. Match made in heaven, no? She is actually a lovely girl and she and I still keep in touch. She’s too young and beautiful to take on any of this BS.

    My point is: Is it likely that Tony and BM will hook up with young, stupid floozies who see these guys in their 40s as a meal ticket? Yes. I’d say VERY LIKELY. I kinda hope it does. Maybe he’ll be so distracted destroying her credit, that he will leave me and the kids in peace, I can marry a personal trainer with a heart of gold who also loves to cook and clean, and all will be right in the world.

  745. JP Says:

    I think that BM has achieved total awesomeness. He’s awesomeness incarnate! Symbolically, he’s won the final victory well-off 40 year olds over all 23 year old women everywhere. Which is kind of like sandblasting a soup cracker. Except it’s awesome.

    She’s got daddy issues. Major daddy issues. And she may yet get to change BM’s diapers in the twilight of his life.

    My wedding had co-best men, I think. In any event, they both disowned me, so it’s a moo point. Apparently they weren’t actually my friends. Yay. And yes, I regret them being in my wedding.

    I still talk to people who couldn’t even be bothered to show up at my wedding. Life confuses me sometimes.

  746. Not A lawyer Says:

    BM doesn’t have Tony’s charm or good looks. They’ve always competed with each other. Tony can get laid easier, but BM has nicer stuff. Part of the reason, in hindsight, that Tony spent thousands on sporting event tickets and golf outings was to impress the BM. As if to say, “Oh sure, you drive and $80k Mercedes, but I have a hot wife who lets me do whatever I want and 2 adorable kids.” Tony would roll his eyes everytime BM bragged about his money.

    BM isn’t the sharpest crayon in the box, either. He lucked into being the first to broker an energy drink to convenience stores that EXPLODED. He now claims to be a founding member of the company and even sports a vanity plate of the comapny’s name.

    I don’t talk to my maid of honor either, JP. I don’t NOT talk to her. We just don’t really talk. We had major tension over the whole working mom versus stay-at-home mom thing. When I complained that I couldn’t make it to the gym, she would suggest that I wouldn’t be so busy if I’d just quit my job and let Tony support me. When she complained about never having any money and her husband losing his job, I would suggest she get a job in the evenings hostessing at a restaurant where I occaisionally picked up bar shifts. She was horribly offended. Yeah, we don’t need to be friends.

  747. JP Says:

    ” When she complained about never having any money and her husband losing his job, I would suggest she get a job in the evenings hostessing at a restaurant where I occaisionally picked up bar shifts. She was horribly offended.”

    This is what my wife does. The hostesting thingy. I just want her to get two SSDI credits a year for Medicare purposes if she ever becomes disabled.

    At some point, she’s going to figure out whether she wants to be a teacher, a psychologist, or a school guidance counselor or something.

    When I married her at 22, she came with a house, a car, and significant savings.

    There aren’t really any women here who engage in the mommy wars as far as I can tell. We have some Jennifers, but not because they are working or stay at home.

  748. Not A lawyer Says:

    Oh man, the Mommy Wars are in full force here. Big time. But there are really 3 “groups” if you will.

    Group 1 – stay-at-home moms
    Group 2 – teachers/hospitality
    Group 3 – working women that out-earn their husbands, but pretend not to.

    I’m not being snarky. This is really what it is. I was firmly, happily in group 3 until recently. Then I got an even better job. I can’t even pretend if I wanted to.

  749. Guano Dubango Says:

    My Aunt Ooona has forbidden me from spending any of the Dubango fortune to secure a mate. However, she has expressly permitted me to lavish the woman I select, once secured, to a life of luxury in the Dubango compound located just outside of Accra, where she will have handservants, and will not have to do much more than bear me issue and perform other wifely duties with me. Assuming I can find a worthy fertile woman, she will have access to the Dubango bank account where she can travel to the USA at least 3x per year. Are there no fertile beauties interested in such a life of leisure?

  750. JP Says:

    “Group 3 – working women that out-earn their husbands, but pretend not to.”

    I can’t see this as a generally stable social outcome, since it leads to chronic humiliation of the men in question.

  751. Wiki-Pig Says:

    JP, you assume the man in question is like you and me , and would find it disconbobulating to be out-earned by his wife or GF.

    Some guys don’t mind at all: like T-man, they feel clever in getting a woman to support them, and I suppose they are not wrong.

    This touches on the Great Divide between manly, Macho, men men like you and me, and –let me be neutral here–the sleazy, facile, surface charmers like T-man.

    You and I see supporting the wife and kids as a duty, but T-man sees it as “how do I do this with the least pain for me?”

    You will see this all the time:

    Take your kids on a hike, and T-man dad has his kids tag along but does not go. His kid has no bug spray, water or anything else because T-man never imagines its his job to think of those things. You, big sucker, will help them out;

    You take your kids to a sleepover after doing all the due diligence, and meeting the parents, making sure they don’t have a pitbull or an un-gated pool, and aren’t smoking grass when you get there; he has his kids go with you and then dropped back home by someone else.

    You are Hector in the movie Troy; Tony is the Paris that causes no end of trouble, and is propped up–to everyone’s great puzzlement–by a wife he doesn’t “deserve.”

    Your GF has kids and you treat her kids like yours: he reminds the kids he’s not their dad;

    These matches between T-men and desirable wives like NAL reveal the other Great Divide between what you think is normal and the psyche of the NAL-wife: intelligent, attractive, grounded, she seems nonetheless to prefer the attractive, charming older man, who you and I see as a loser.

    But it makes her happy, like a man who “everyone” thinks ought to marry the nice enough looking school teacher, and marries instead, a pretty, younger, woman with no graduate degree, and no skills, and who other women see as a gold digger.

    NAL will probably connect with a personal trainer or tennis pro who will essentially be a kept man even tho NAL will be so considerate, he’ll never feel the imbalance. And she’ll remember the bug spray.

  752. JP Says:

    I’m really just (pointlessly) hypercompetitive more than anything else. It’s really not particularly healthy for me.

    Life isn’t a competition that you win or lose.

    I forget the bug spray because I’m thinking about international geopolitics when I should be thinking about bug spray.

    My wife is still trying to figure out how I made it this far in life with no common sense.

  753. Wiki-Pig Says:

    OK, but hyper-competitiveness stems from something. As for life not being a competition, that is both true and false. Ask any Homeless man with a drug habit, or stoner with kids. Better yet, ask their kids.

    T-man doesn’t forget bug spray because he’s lost in issues bigger than himself: he is lost in himself. No one resents you because you are the absent minded-professor.

    No common sense is what people said about the pre-successful wright brothers, bill gates and god knows who else. Write the book!

  754. JP Says:

    I don’t have a book in me.

    I got a woman with a serious drug habit on SSI this morning. She can now afford to actually get her pschiatric medication.

    Bill Gates.

    I briefly considered trying to date the girl who grew up next door to Bill Gates when I was in law school (the daughter of the original CFO of Microsoft who died from cancer). My roomate’s childhood friend was roomates with her. She would get to swim in the Microsoft pool after hours growing up.

    My roomate tried to get me to run interference by going after his childhood friend. His childhood friend wanted to have sex with him and he was having none of it. Since I was tipsy and I was present, he figured I would help. I declined, not being particularly interested in his childhood friend, either.

    My roomate ended up trying to accomplish certain things with her (the CFO girl) and I had to listen to it. Now *that* was uncomfortable for me. He was normally successful with women, but not with her. He did end up dating the President of Excite.

    (Ah, the dot-com days).

    I think the only reason I remember this is because it was the day Princess Diana died and it was on TV and there were only the four of us there watching the TV.

    Kind of like remembering where you were on 9-11.

    And there you have the closest thing that I have to a Bill Gates story.

    The end.

  755. Wiki-Pig Says:

    Ah, I see. It sounds as if you grew up in a wealthy neighborhood, and so from now on I can use that against you, Leninist style.

    Write the book! Just pick topics and write. e.g., “Dating like a Dubango,”…..”Men Like Harold,” “My life spent talking to pseudonymous people on someone else’s website,” …….”Jennifers in your life,”

    With all the junk being published now days, you have to be better. What can you possibly lose except a few nights? Ask Ellen to give you ideas.

  756. JP Says:

    Uh, no. I grew up in farmville, as my wife like to remind me. As the child of the superintendent, we were some of the wealthiest people in farmville. Which meant that we lived in a two story house. In central PA. Near cows. There was a cornfield at the end of my street.

    That previous was law school. I paid $120,000 for the privilege of attending and getting to listen to my roommate through the stupid grate in my room that didn’t have any sound damping.

    I was actually addressed as “JP” on recent government correspondence. That made me laugh.

  757. Not A Lawyer Says:

    You do have a book in you, JP. You just wrote your prologue. A quirky, random anecdote to introduce us to the complex mind of JP. “Why didn’t he want to have sex with the gilr?” the readers will wonder. “What ever became of him since he didn’t marry the Microsoft chick? I must read this book!”

  758. Wiki-Pig Says:

    See? NAL Agrees. And more:

    “What went on in the cornfield?”

    “Who was the roommate and who did he marry?”

    “Where did JP meet his wife, and did he knock over ad rink on their first date?”

    And how do you explain to your wife talking all day to a woman in Texas and a pig in California?

  759. JP Says:

    “What went on in the cornfield?”
    - Corn grew. What do you think happens in cornfields?

    “Where did JP meet his wife, and did he knock over ad rink on their first date?”
    - The Internet. It was during the day of the dot-com revolution. I was just wandering around talking to people.

    “Who was the roommate and who did he marry?”
    - Well, he was the president of his entire fraternity system in UC-I and thought that he was rooming with an engineer who would keep him grounded. He was wrong. He married someone I’ve never met. I certainly wasn’t invited to his wedding.

    And how do you explain to your wife talking all day to a woman in Texas and a pig in California?
    - I don’t even bother telling her.

  760. JP Says:

    Here’s my first published work. I it was tweeted by Adler. Enjoy:

    And yes, my thoughts tend to be random and quirky.

  761. Harold Says:

    Interesting posts. I have only 1 question.

    Are there cobwebs growing in NAL’s nether region?

    And if so, why hasn’t any man stepped up to clear them?

  762. Wiki-Pig Says:

    “Corn grew. What do you think happens in cornfields?”

    -spring flings, summer romances, etc because adults don’t go into cornfields, and fields of tall stalks are cheaper than a motel in a small town when you’re a kid. Zombies may also hide there for all I know.

    If they didn’t invite you to a wedding, fuck them. They are probably living in a double wide.

    Did you smoke grass in college?

    If you had advice fro your 20 year old self, what would it be?

    Harold: There is a long line of men holding number slips to get at NAL: many have been thrown out of line, like the old friends who hit on her, and sparkly douchebags. Biff, the nice, funny, non-competitive, well-groomed, reasonably muscular, sensitive- but not too sensitive- personal trainer is in the lead now.

  763. JP Says:

    -spring flings, summer romances, etc because adults don’t go into cornfields, and fields of tall stalks are cheaper than a motel in a small town when you’re a kid. Zombies may also hide there for all I know.

    It didn’t occur to me that I would be engaging in activities that required me to hide from adults.

    If they didn’t invite you to a wedding, fuck them. They are probably living in a double wide.
    - No, he’s a quite successful M&A attorney

    Did you smoke grass in college?
    - No.

    If you had advice fro your 20 year old self, what would it be?
    - Don’t spend the next several years of your life playing computer games. You need to develop social skills and a network of friends.

  764. Not A Lawyer Says:

    I’m looking for a good-looking mute who doesn’t want to be my boyfriend or my husband. Operation “Get NAL Laid” is in full effect. I have good friends who are parading their cousins’ boyfriends’ brothers for me to pick from.

    Guano – would you agree not to talk to me for the next 20 years?

  765. JP Says:

    “I’m looking for a good-looking mute who doesn’t want to be my boyfriend or my husband because I am hoping to obtain a drug resistant STD in order to further scientific research into modern infectious diseases.”

    I finished your sentence for you.

  766. JP Says:

    Can you tell that I represent lots of people who are HIV+?

  767. Wiki-Pig Says:

    JP you worry too much.

  768. Guano Dubango Says:

    I have been a complete gentleman, which proves that I should be a bad boy if I am to attract a mate. If I am to wait 20 years to talk to NAL she will no longer be fertile. If NAL wants to bear me issue now I can agree not to converse with her. She need only follow my lead in the bedroom, bear me issue and remain silent, as Weill I throughout the sex acts. Is this acceptable? No talking, just procreating?

  769. Wiki-Pig Says:

    Guano, you have ignored every helpful suggestion I and Harold have made. While mine may take some doing, changing the name of a country is not such a big deal.

    But if you’re going to continue to be the hound in the pound, and chase after a woman you’ve never seen, or spoken to, you are going to die childless! Without issue! Barren! A blank on the family tree! The end of the Guano line!

  770. JP Says:

    Did I ever tell you about the time my cousin ran off with her high school band teacher?

  771. Wiki-Pig Says:

    No. So as I leave to go eat cajun style swordfish, I am trusting that details will be here tomorrow morning.

  772. Not a Lawyer Says:

    Do tell, JP! Is this a chapter from your book?

  773. JP Says:

    I think it’s a self-explanatory story. It just didn’t make the national news.

  774. Not A Lawyer Says:

    When? How? How old was he? How old was she? How did they know it was love? What instrument did she play?

    My weekend goals as set my dear sweet single friends: Dress up. Look hot. Go out. Drink. DO NOT look closed off and married. Pick some guy that I think I can tolerate and give him my number.

    It’s a tall order.

  775. Wiki-Pig Says:

    JP where are the details? Its not self explanatory: if you dropped that into a conversation as we were whittling sticks on a sidewalk, you’d have to add more detail. Where did they go? Did it end? What happened to the band teacher?

    I take it this was before “To Catch A Predator,” where all those creepy guys come to bang someone they think is 14.

    Good luck NAL. Allow me to add a few: show some leg, smile, laugh at their lame jokes. They are just trying to get your number.

  776. JP Says:

    Well, it was band love. They probably started their loving, caring relationship when she was in high school. Her dad wasn’t happy. They fell in love and got married. Now they have children.

    They are now a happy family somewhere else far away from that high school.

    I don’t know that much because that part of the family never saw us much. I think that my mother was embarrassed by my father’s family and vice-versa, so I’m really close to zero relatives so I can’t add much.

  777. Not A Lawyer Says:

    Just had sushi with a former colleague and found out she is her 3rd round of interviews with my company! Yay! We are the Laverne and Shirley of banking compliance. In meetings at MS, we used to play a game called, “How many beers?” where we’d just state a number to indicate the number of beers it would take for us to sleep with someone.

    “To Catch a Predator” creeps me out. Can you imagine EVER going to a stranger’s house for sex? Whaaaat? I am now leery of any grown man purchasing wine coolers. I look at them like, “I know where you’re going with those you sick, sick, man. I hope the SWAT team is waiting for you!”

    Pig I’m afraid if I smile at every douche-bag I see I’ll look desperate.

  778. Not A Lawyer Says:

    Apple is nearing bear market territory….

  779. JP Says:

    “Apple is nearing bear market territory….”

    Sadly, I don’t short individual stocks. However, the market is down, so my trading accounts are up.

  780. JP Says:

    “In meetings at MS, we used to play a game called, “How many beers?” where we’d just state a number to indicate the number of beers it would take for us to sleep with someone.”

    The number of times I’ve ever spoken with anyone about whether I would sleep with another person? Zero.

    Yay, social isolation!

  781. Wiki-Pig Says:

    But you seem very engaging, very decent and it sounds to me like you are indeed shy and for no good reason: there are millions of belching buffoons out there with no more than you have to offer, and often considerably less. But they make moves. You can’t win if you don’t play.

    And part of the rules are that the man has to make the approach and risk humiliating rejection (if she turns you down she’s probably a les, or a whiny feminist etc.)

    Its why douchebags often wind up with great babes: they are douches, and don’t care if they are rejected.

    Here is a thought: the greatest hunter on the planet, the African Lion, only succeeds in getting his prey about 8% of the time. If you ask 100 girls out and 90 say no, and 10 say yes, you are still doing better than the Lion, and that’s pretty good.

  782. Wiki-Pig Says:

    Only smile at the ones that seem attractive to you. Its the signal that you won’t mind if they approach. Don’t smile at the ones you don’t like. Then they get it–”not you pudgy.”

  783. JP Says:

    My girl ask out success rate is 100%.

    Yes, another little known, and completely useless fact about me.

  784. JP Says:

    Also, I’ve been on dates where I was completely unaware it was a date!

    I’m amazing!

  785. JP Says:

    So, NAL, where do you deposit your children?

    I have in-laws for general use.

  786. JP Says:

    Here’s a little known historical fact about the use of “Gropecunt lane” in the middle ages:

    “Gropecunt Lane ( /ˈɡroʊpkʌnt ˈleɪn/) was a street name found in English towns and cities during the Middle Ages, believed to be a reference to the prostitution centred on those areas; it was normal practice for a medieval street name to reflect the street’s function or the economic activity taking place within it. Gropecunt, the earliest known use of which is in about 1230, appears to have been derived as a compound of the words grope and cunt. Streets with that name were often in the busiest parts of medieval towns and cities, and at least one appears to have been an important thoroughfare.

    Although the name was once common throughout England, changes in attitude resulted in its replacement by more innocuous versions such as Grape Lane. Gropecunt was last recorded as a street name in 1561.”

  787. Not A Lawyer Says:

    Wow JP. So this is your into to your chapter on…….?

    I once ended up on a “trick-date” with my old collegue. It wasn’t fair because I don’t want to date him.

    My kids are with their father this weekend and his tube-topped girlfriend. I ran into her recently, and she is actually looking pretty good these days. It must be all the sex she’s having with my husband.

    The kids’ school carnival is tonight, and I will have to face all of the Jennifers. It has been an ugly dramatic week. Turns out the drunk texting on my birthday was a result of me asking the school counselor to talk to my daughter about her Jennifer story (knowing full well that she may have made it up – either way, a chat with her counselor would benefit her). Tony is furious. The Jennifers are furious. The counselor and the principal are involved, and so on. Tony feels certain that I “sent” someone to the school to report the incident to get Jennifer in trouble. Jennifer feels this way too and is schocked that I could be so mean and such a psychopath. The other Jennifers are spreading the word on “Tony’s psycho ex”. The truth is, I didn’t tell the counselor what was said or who said it. I just told her that my daughter told me a story about being confronted at school by a volunteer and while its palusible that she made the story up, I’d like to the counselor to talk to her.

    The “horrible mother of the year” infractions I’ve committed this week:

    - I went for a 5 mile run with 2 neighbors, which takes just under an hour, and left my kids at their friends house for a breakfast playdate. A jennifer spotted me and alerted Tony, who immediately went apeshit. (And WTH is Jennifer doing awake at 7am on a Sunday?)

    - I am hurting my children by forcing Tony to live with his parents where they have to share a room. If I loved my kids, I would immediately hand over $60k and 50% custody so that we can all move on.

    Yep, just a day in the life of being evil and selfish.

  788. Wiki-Pig Says:

    “How dare you take a run when you should be working harder to support us all and pay off my debt?”

  789. Wiki-Pig Says:

    Don’t ever surrender a smidgen of custody if you can avoid it.

  790. JP Says:

    “I am hurting my children by forcing Tony to live with his parents where they have to share a room. If I loved my kids, I would immediately hand over $60k and 50% custody so that we can all move on.”

    This is pretty funny.

    “(And WTH is Jennifer doing awake at 7am on a Sunday?)”

    Are you sure she went to bed the night before?

  791. Wiki-Pig Says:

    And last: “How dare you listen to your children, when you should disregard what they say if it might hurt someone’s feelings?”

  792. JP Says:

    What does Tony do, professionally speaking?

  793. Not A Lawyer Says:

    He’s PMP, soooo not much. He was hired into his current role 6 years ago and has pretty much stayed there ever since. No career path, goals, or desire for “more.” He makes good money though – I’d say $90k, which goes quite far in Texas.

    Sorry to unload. My neighbor sent me the name of her therapist because I woundn’t stop crying on our run this morning. Hint taken.

  794. JP Says:

    Given that I generally work with people who threaten suicide, this really is more interesting than troublesome.

    I take it that he can burn through $90K in a heartbeat.

  795. JP Says:

    What is a PMP?

    It looks like it pays better than “attorney”. The guy in our office got his first raise (at another firm) when he told them that his schooteacher wife made more than he did.

  796. Not A Lawyer Says:

    Project Manager Professional – he supports data wearhousing for a healthcare company. He works for a huge company that needs dedicated to staff to execute surveys and ask everyone “where they are” on their projects, compile the data, and give it to someone else. I coulfd do it with my eyes closed.

    School teacher? Ouch. My neighbor is an attorney and she had a colleague fresh out of school who made $35k a year. OUCH.

    Bank regulator liaison pays even more. Another reason Tony hates me.

    It is quite funny to me when people see my house and start asking questions about how I’m going to “make it” and if I’ll be moving soon. Like they’ve never met a six-figure single mom before…..

  797. JP Says:

    The poor new attorneys are, well, poor. Really, really poor.

    I feel bad for them.

    I’m married to the anti-Tony, so I’m pretty sure that I could theoretically live for a decade on what I have in savings. She claims that she spends more money than her mother spent growing up. I think we’re saving about 60% of my gross income now or thereabouts.

    Although we will be buying braces and automobiles for our children…so I’ve been advised that I need to continue working.

    Recently, I’ve been reminded that I should not have shorted the market during QEII and instead invested the money in 3% CD’s.

    How was I supposed to know that Bernake would QE to infinity?

  798. Not A Lawyer Says:

    I should have become a lawyer and married well like you, JP. I may be employed, but feeling pretty broke these days. I should have been saving 60% all along, but then that would just be more money for Tony to take.

  799. JP Says:

    Well, you’re not paying palimony. And the credit cards will be paid off soon.

    Aren’t you supposed to be going out on the town?

    I’m going across the street to burritoland once my wife gets here.

    I don’t have the slightest idea how to fix your Jennifer problem, being that I’m not a girl and can’t really navigate girl politics that well.

  800. Anonymous Says:

    Great, now I missed a service of process deadline (non-malpractice, of course and I had to amend the complaint anyway and was talking to opposing counsel, but annoying).

    And I’m having panic attacks again.


  801. JP Says:

    That was me above. It’s normally NAL, but this time it’s me.

    NAL is not a lawyer, so she doesn’t file complaints and then not serve them.

  802. Not A lawyer Says:

    My Jennifer problem is really a Tony problem and has no solution. If there were any hope at all for fixing Tony of narcissistic dickheadedness, I’d still be married.

    Hope you got your complaint served. And amended. And filed. And served again.

    Panic attacks? Scary. I’ll bet sone of the moms around here has some Xanax or some Oxy she’d sell you. I don’t know this first hand, just guessing by the atrocious spelling and grammar on facebook that they are on something.

  803. Harold Says:

    NAL, you need to consider banging Guano. If you don’t have a lot of money and are capable of birthing him a baby or tow, consider marrying him and moving to Guano’s homeland. If tubetop looks good because she’s having sex, imagine what you will look like after w week with Guano, with years of pent up semen. If you don’t drown, you’ll be absolutely glowing! Take the inititiative and go after him. Don’t be afraid of being foward because he seems very reserved. You will practically have to take your own tubetop off to attract him.

  804. JP Says:

    I suffer from chronic avoidance/procrastination. I spent most of yesterday just looking at the complaint.

    In the office for 12 hours. Productive time, about 1 hour.

    Normally I’m an in the office 10 hour, productive time about 5 hours.

    I wasn’t the best at billing hours.

  805. Not A Lawyer Says:

    I feel you, JP. I am supposed to be studying up on my Anti-Money Laundering legislation. Instead I’m here. I’ll go back to it a minute.

    Harold, I have money, and I’m about to not have any money so that I can pay Tony’s debt and buy my own house from him, but I have a career and a home – and freedom! That just cannot be sold.

  806. Wiki-Pig Says:

    Harold, Guano is probably gay, and is more likely to sleep with you than nal, even if she showed up at his place with only a tube top. He was most likely banished from his kingdom so that he would not be outed and stoned.

    He was relocated to the US with a generous allowance. The fiction that he is here looking for a wife has saved face for his family, and avoided financial disruption from the fury of the near omnipotent Aunt Oona.

    No one would look for a wife as he does. Few straight men would be so completely deferential and reserved. Even I, one of the most reserved people in the world, succumb to flashes of impetuosity, bad humor and would knock over a drink on a woman like JP, simply to say “lets go to my place and get out of these wet clothes.”

    He probably spends most of the day drinking tea, pining for Anderson Cooper, going to gallery openings, and forwarding his emails to Aunt Oona.

    JP is the one is need of assistance: he is a talented, expressive, decent man trapped in a career he respects but does not like.

    He faces the prospect of never having a threesome, unless 2 breasts and one thigh at at Chick-Fil-A counts.

    Help us nag him into a course of irresponsible behavior . To truly live he must wreck his marriage, saddle himself with alimony, and move into in a seedy apartment , where he can swill good scotch, eat sparingly, watch TV, and bang lonely, blonde, 25 year old grad students into a mattress.

  807. JP Says:

    I don’t like watching TV.

    I also avoided fornication and threesomes due to the profound guilt it engenders.

  808. Wiki-Pig Says:

    A man and his wife are dining at a table in a plush restaurant, and the husband keeps staring at a drunken lady swigging her gin as she sits alone at a nearby table.

    The wife asks, “Do you know her?”

    “Yes,” sighs the husband, “She’s my ex-wife, She took to drinking right after we divorced seven years ago, and I hear she hasn’t been sober since.”

    “My God!” says the wife, “Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?”

  809. JP Says:

    OK, let’s all give our election predictions for tomorrow:

    Here’s mine

    President – Obama
    House – Republicans
    Senate – Democrats

  810. Wiki-Pig Says:

    President: too close to call everyone says:
    Agree on the rest.
    Am watching state propositions on taxes, death penalty and so on so it’ll be a full evening tomorrow.

  811. JP Says:

    You have until the polls close in NY tomorrow to get in your call, NAL.

    Also, you have to tell us whether you had an actual pleasant and fun weekend.

  812. Wiki-Pig Says:

    No way does she get till the polls close: then exit polling will probably have called it; she has till noon Texas time.

    And I am going to venture out and say Romney to be contrarian.

  813. JP Says:

    And it’s filed! That’s only $350 down the drain.

  814. Not A lawyer Says:

    President: too close to call, though one thing is certain: Romney will get Texas.

    I actually did have a great weekend, but my girlfriends I was supposed to go out with on Saturday were too hung over from Friday to do anything. I spent the afternoon in my workout clothes on a patio at MiCocina with a mambo taxi (or 2) and some mommy friends. No action. In bed by 8. I’m lame.

    Sunday was CPE cramming and ignoring beligerent texts from Tony accusing my lawyer of forcing the kids to tell crazy stories about him. More excitement. Ghana is starting to sound like a good idea.

  815. JP Says:

    Well don’t leave us hanging.

    Share the texts!

  816. Not A lawyer Says:

    I’m too exhausted to repeat all hundred of them. In a nutshell, he is making crazy accusations about lying, fighting, drugs, and me using my children as pawns that he is going to use against me in the social study. The drugs one was really funny because I have never done a drug in my life.

    The kids told their counselor (private counselor not school) about seeing Tony shove his mother. Tony found out, accused me and my attorney of planting it in their heads, and lost his mind. He is also conviced that I have a network of “pathetic minions” that call the school and report things about him. He is stalking my facebook and my every move, every workout, every everyting. I’m exhausted. Just exhausted.

  817. JP Says:

    I am slowly beginning to understand why this firm avoids family law like the plague.

    Also, in my amateur opinion, this Tony may have what I colloquially refer to as “issues”.

    How long until anything at all is resolved in any way?

  818. Not A lawyer Says:

    I’ve been asking the same for months. They came back and arged some things on the temoroary orders, and the day before the hearing, decide t ocooperate. Now the social study can begin. I sent my umteenth email to the paralegal saying, when do we start the social study? Let’s go!

    Once they opine on where the children should be, we can go to mediation as there’s not much else to fight about. I have to give him half of his debt and half the equity in our home, which is like, A LOT of dough. Tyhen I’ll move forward, broke, but in my home with my kids. I hope.

    The risk is, Tony is going to say some awful things in the social study to try to get custody. He has no accountability for anything and is a total narcissist, so let’s all hope the social worker assigned to us sees that. He’s also very charming, so this won’t be easy.

  819. Wiki-Pig Says:

    NAL: be careful of the “professionals” that surround the family law business like remora near sharks. They are all too often only interest in billing hourly to issue some useless opinion.

    Worse are the ones that feel your kids ought to go into therapy (no age is too young for them) and believe me they will have no compunction about reccomending that it be continued in near perpetuity.

    Emails to the T man: make them always polite, measured and reasonable. If only one slips out badly, that will be the one that gets used.

    I feel terrible for yo going thru this as you try to make a living and take care of the kids. Hang in there.

  820. Not A Lawyer Says:

    Thanks, Pig. I will perservere. I hired their private counselor last spring and she is of my own choosing.

    And, it’s Obama for anther 4 years. And so it is.

    How did things go in CA, Pig?

  821. Wiki-Pig Says:


    Pig sat down with a small glass of McCallam (only 15 year) to watch the elections. Ms. Pig wanted to keep watch Homeland reruns she had missed, but just because dedicated actress Claire Danes finally got a series, is no reason not to watch talking heads when they finally have something to report.

    This has been a tough year: I had wanted to climb into the TV and put a cane around Paul Ryan’s neck when he started blabbing about abortion in the VP debate.

    Then Acomplished Bumpkins Akin and the Indiana guy weighed in with their helpful comments about rape. I could just feel votes fleeing out the door. I want republicans to be cheap, tough on crime, and honest: Why do they think i need a helping of their religion too?

    They both look like they have bad breath, are sexually repressed and would probably have been flagellants in the middle ages.

    Last night was also zero hour for our annual “Be a citizen: Pass a Law” day. California lets voters enact laws by popular vote: its how we enacted Three Strikes, and property tax relief over a resistant legislature. Of course its also how we enact many foolish laws. So every election is always full of new proposed laws, usually mischief planned by some special interest group.

    By the end of the night, BO was in, meaning Bernake is in for the long haul too. “Babe where is the scotch bottle?”

    The good voters here passed Prop 30 that increased taxes on incomes of 250k and up, thinking it preferable to Prop 38 that taxed everyone. “Honey are you feeling OK? Want some more scotch?”

    So now rents, car repairs, food–all will now cost more as the taxes are passed on to the people who thought they’d put them on someone else. “les Cons!” (Fools!) Now overworked state employees can continue retiring at age 55 with fat pensions.

    We kept the death penalty: the feigned concern that “it costs too much” didn’t persuade anyone.

    JP, I believe that civil lawyers look down on criminal lawyers, who sneer at bankruptcy lawyers, who sneer at small time PI lawyers, but they unanimously despise the bottom feeding, scumbags called family law lawyers.

  822. JP Says:

    If I got divorced, I’d probably completely capitulate on the kid issue.

    She’s much better with them than I am.

    Although that would leave me with child support. Oh, well.

  823. Not A Lawyer Says:

    You’re smart JP. My first meeting with the court-appointed social study monitor is next Friday! Finally we’re going somewhere.

    Tony is going to say horrible things about me, including that I send people to the school to attack his PTA girlfriend (real story: I called the counselor when my daughter came home with a story about her), that I drove us into debt (real story: I supported him while he spent), that my workout and work schedule are far too selfish for me to be a good mother (real story: he’s just an asshole) that I tell the kids stories about him shoving his mother (real story: the kids told ME about that 2 months ago).

    Defending myself to him is pointless and exhausting, and when this is done, I can go back to ignoring his crazy rather than worrying about what batshit conspiracy theory he is going to pin on me next.

    Tony seems to be going off the rails, so I’m going to say this: IF I suddenly disappear from our posts about the same time there is some national news story about a missing or dead (and strikingly pretty, 34 year old, successful) Plano mom, you better speak up. He has assaulted before, and the stakes are very very high to him. I just don’t know what he’s capable of.

    I didn’t vote for him, but I’m a little glad inside that Obama won, because Tony and his parents are absolutely beside themselves with fury. I’ve spent that last few months giggling at his fathers poorly spelled, poorly puncuated, and grammatically incorrect rants against “oblamer.” Today is no exception. And it makes me a little happy inside. Maybe I’m NOT such a good person after all!

  824. JP Says:

    My daughter pointed out this morning that my MIL is not going to be happy. She’s on the verge of retiring and for some reason is absolutely terrified of Obamacare. This is not a rational fear, but it’s a fear for her.

    I know her financial position and she really doesn’t have to worry about health care expenses since she’s good with the college retirement of her husband. However, she’s of the Depression era mentality about money. She gets it honestly. When her father died there were stacks of cash in the basement.

    And she already had her heart surgery, so her valve is fixed!

    Granted, she *does* have to worry about my FIL grabbing a hold of the retirement fund and going on a massive insane spending spree, but that’s unlikely. I think. He just retired. I expect that we will be babysitting him more often.

    I’m not Tony. If I got divorced, I would be pretty sure that it was my fault. Sometimes even I don’t want to put up with me.

    I think that Tony simply doesn’t like reality. Some people are like that.

  825. Harold Says:

    It sounds to me like Tony may be an ass, but he appreciates a woman who will look up to him. NAL may be too smart for him; thus the substitution of tube top (presumably a reference to a woman who has nice boobs that she’s willing to share with him.) I recommend that NAL do what she has to do to be rid of him, then go after someone who will respect her and not cheat on her, such as Guano. Not sure about the racial thing. NAL, being from Texas, might not go for that. But just thought I would throw that out for her. Other guys would just bang the living bejesus out of her for a month or 2, but not commit. While she might appreciate the attention downstairs, that is not what she needs. She sounds sincere, so she should avoid guys like that.

  826. Not A Lawyer Says:

    Harold? Is that you?

    Tube top is a reference to the fact that this chick is always wearing one. Or she’s wearing one of the smocked top strapeless dresses that do nothing for her figure. I saw her the other day in normal clothes, and like I said, she’s looking pretty good in comparison. I don’t like her, but I call it like it is.

    I have far superior boobs. Far superior. But, where she is soft and rounded, I am muscular (not my fault I come from a family of linebackers) and look intimidating.

    White is minority in Texas.

  827. Anonymous Says:

    I’ll let you know when my hispanic friends stop being white.

  828. JP Says:

    That was me. I’m tired.

  829. Wiki-Pig Says:

    Not tired from threesomes, though, huh?

    So, at the Mansion dinner, we are going to have 2 very beautiful women, both over 26, both under 37, who will make determined efforts to seduce you into a threesome. By hook, crook or looks, they will. You will not be able to resist.

    Each will have to:

    - pass a strict evaluation by a neutral panel of judges for looks, personality, and intellect (I suspect dumb bimbos won’t do it for you, so I am going to get smart ones).

    –demonstrate conversational fluency in french, flattery of adult males, and market economics: each will have to be conversant with Hayeck and the latest Open Market Committee meeting minutes

    -establish an STD free condition, and the ability to serve you bites of chick Fil-A and cookies (but low fat ones–sorry-its California).

    We will video the encounter for dinner guests, but it will be tastefully edited before dinner and then destroyed (unless you want a copy).

    Harold, I may need you for the looks assessment.

    JP, Your MIL’s worries that an overextended, under resourced government health program will fail to provide attentive care, when other government agencies are the model of responsive assistance is of course a prime example of elderly paranoia and crabbiness.

    If you sprain your back in this encounter, or suffer from a 4 hour condition that for some reason requires a doctor, you can rely on Obamacare. But if I am so much as singed by the flaming crepe suzzette, or struck in the eye by a button forced off NAL’s dress by her swelling breasts, I am off to the most expensive doctor I can find.

  830. NAL's Boobies? Says:

    If NAL has such nice teats, why hasn’t she posted a link to them?

  831. Wiki-Pig Says:

    (a) She’s not a Girl Gone Wild anymore;
    (b) Tony might see the photos;
    (c) She has instagrammed them for the rest of us, but doesn’t want you to see them;
    (d) She doesn’t want Guano to have a heart attack.

  832. Harold Says:

    This is funny! But (b) and (d) do not make sense.

    As for (b), NAL’s breasts are not new to Tony, as she is married to him and he could surely recognize them blindfolded; and

    (d) Guano has seen thousands of women in his own African country walking around town topless, so a NAL’s breasts should not create a cardio event, unless he has never seen a Caucasian pair, or NAL’s breasts are substantially different from those in his home country.

    I second the request for a link to those headlights.

  833. JP Says:

    No. Just tired. Have hearing today. Have to write brief. Tired.

  834. JP Says:

    I vote against the pornography coalition.

    Since I’m the most awesome here, I get one more vote than everyone else combined.



    I just became amazed with my own inherent awesomeness.

    I mean wow.

    I really am all that.

    Who knew?

  835. JP Says:

    I’m really bummed that I wasn’t short yesterday.

    Sold too early.


  836. Not A Lawyer Says:

    We knew JP! And I’m not sure which porn you’re voting against, your 3some video or my boobs, but I agree.

    Harold, look at the picture of Tube Top, and imagine boobs that are 10 times better. There’s your picture.

    Tony and one of the Jennifers’ husbands are watching my every move these days, just hoping to catch me doing crack or something. I’m guessing Tony may be starting to come to grips with the idea that it costs money to live the way he wants to, and unless I give him some, he’ll never save enough to get his own place. BUT, if he can win custody and the house, he’s set. Just a guess, but that’s what I’m seeing.

    My daughter’s volleyball team and I square off against Tube Top again this weekend.

    Pig, did you finish the scotch? I think I want to take up scotch. I need a simple drink.

  837. JP Says:

    In today’s life lesson, Tony learns that you don’t get to remain a teenager forever.

  838. Wiki-Pig Says:

    “Just a guess.” “100% for sure” is more like it. Almost every greedy ex of whatever gender, fixates on the house and nontaxable child support. None ever want to have to earn a living. Ever.

    Being saddled with nondeductible child support for 10 or 15 years is pretty serious. And it’ll mean tube top will spend more time with the kids than you do.

    I told my ex all was open for negotiation other than 50% physical and legal kid custody. She agreed then–but regretted it later and told me she had made a “mistake” in “giving ” me that because of the money.

    Its his one chance: be super careful.

    You’re not going to convince us that TubeTop is better looking: we hate her anyway. If she walked into the room our upper lip would curl, lights would dim and we would hiss.

    Pig hates hangovers and does not do Jack Daniels anymore. Mostly chardonnay. Scotch is a sipping drink: none of the big gulps they do in the movies. Except on election night, where the combined results spelled “TAX INCREASE,” “YOU’RE SCREWED,” and “TAKE BIG GULPS’ in that order.

  839. Wiki-Pig Says:


    I taped 20 sheets of paper together to form a strip; lightly taped in the middle; wrote the team name in colored markers along with some stars and squiggles, then had my ex hold the other side at a game and the kids ran thru it at the start of the game. They loved it. The lightly taped middle means it breaks cleanly and does not rip, so I can use it again.

    At game’s end, i pulled out three of those popper things and shot confetti all over them. I had to clean up the confetti, but it was worth it.

  840. Guano Dubango Says:

    I note the conversation has included me. Thank you. I am interested in pursuing any viable female who is (1) attractive; (2) fertile; (3) interested in marriage to me; (4) willing to live with me daily as my wife and share the royal Dubango compound with my Aunt Ooona in Accra; (5) able and willing to bear me at least 3 issue, including at least one male heir to continue the royal Dubango line, and (6) interested in living a life of leisure in Accra with at least 3 paid trips back to the USA, where we will continue to maintain my second residence in New York.

    It is no longer required that said female be a law beauty. I have determined that this is an unreasonable request.

    I am not clear on whether this woman Tube Top is interested in this, but you may forward this note as an indication of interest.

    I will need to have proper assurances from the woman and her family that she is capable and willing to fulfill all of the requirements above, and to have independent royal representatives, including the royal family physician examine said female to ensure the ability to fulfill same.

  841. Wiki-Pig Says:

    Anyone seen SKYFALL?

    JP: news of layoffs seems to be increasing: projections?

    NAL: how’d the game go?

  842. JP Says:

    I loved Bond when I was younger. Now? Not so much.

    I still think there’s a 50% chance of recession, but that was with or without Obamacare. That’s pretty much how I’ve been trading and which is why I went bearish about three months ago.

    I need to go care for dogs and a father in law.

  843. Wiki-Pig Says:

    Are Bond films less enjoyable now because they lack a “real” evil opponent? Like the eye-patched No 2 in Thunderball. The ones now are kind of bloodless. The casino royale villians were a good effort to regain the evil side, but they’ve slipped again.

    So we’re looking at living the recession, not building out of it: trimming employees, giving back leased space, zoning to allow smaller apartments and condos, thinner clothing material, smaller sizes—all to trim costs, and make affordable versions of what we have now. I never buy on Rodeo Drive, but everything there is less impressive than in 2005. And its not even thanksgiving and they have xmas lights up. Probably will have xmas sales next summer.

  844. Not A Lawyer Says:

    Games were fine. Their team actually opted not to participate in the tournament, so no Tube Top.

    I haven’t seen a James Bond movie since Pierce Brosnan. I just don’t get to the movies very often unless it’s rated G. I did get dragged to “Looper” a couple of weeks ago. Holy gore. That must be why I never go to the movies.

    My sis-in-law just mentioned yesterday that she wants to see the Bond movie at a theater that we can buy a bottle of wine and drink in the theater. Not a bad plan.

    Anyone doing anything cool for Thanksgiving? My dad is going to Spain with his girlfriend, so I am going to my brother’s mother-in-law’s. She’s one of those grumpy old women that doesn’t like kids or guests in her home, and will let you know it. She miraculously gave birth to some very cool kids, so we’ll have fun regardless.

  845. Wiki-Pig Says:

    Split kids day with ex. I have them in the morning and need them long enough to watch Twlight Zone episodes, have a TG late lunch/dinner, just me and kids. Then they’re off to ex’s house: Ex prepares a huge feast, and has her religious father, her goofy (kids words not mine) brothers. I think we’re wasting food, but no one wants to not have a dinner.

  846. JP Says:

    I have no idea what I’m doing for Thanksgiving, but I suspect that it will involve the in-laws over at my house using my stove to cook the meal. Being that it’s much nicer to destroy my kitchen than theirs.

    And we will have yummy food.

    And then my wife can remind me about three years ago when bad things happened.

    Thanks for reminding me.

  847. Wiki-Pig Says:

    Was that the drink knockover festival?

  848. JP Says:

    No. That was the time I accidentally triggered my own personal Twilight Zone episode.

    On another note, now that we’re walking down memory lane, my college roommate did this once (except for the dying part):

  849. JP Says:

    Come to think of it, I think that he also nearly killed his girlfriend playing the strangulation game.

  850. Ellen Says:

    Yay! This WEBSIGHT is still alive!

  851. Not A Lawyer Says:

    JP – is this the guy that you took to Atlantic City? You still owe us a story!

    I am eating a packet of oatmeal that I have been carrying from job to job and storing in my desk since my Morgan Stanley days. I have no idea what prompted me to do it (besides hunger) and it reminds me a bit of JP and his potatoes.

    At this Thanksgiving, there is mandatory participation in a talent show. I have no talent, so I’m doing a cooking segment.

    Oh and the Turkey Trot! Last year Dallas broke a Guiness World Record for the most people dressed like turkeys in one gathering. The Dallas Turkey Trot is HUGE. There is no better way to start a day of gluttony than with an 8 mile run.

  852. JP Says:

    I have potatoes here again. I cut out Chick-Fil-A. So, my weight is dropping again. :(

  853. Harold Says:

    I don’t see any women for Guano. Poor sumbeeotch has probably got a set of blue balls. Talk about black and blue! Poor schnook. NAL maybe you should reconsider.

  854. Not A Lawyer Says:

    No thanks. I’ll hold out for the good-looking mute with a heart of gold.

    And the Texas seceders are back on the scene! I heard on the radio this morning that there is another petition that is asking all signers of the “secede Texas” petition to be deported. THAT would be some good TV.

  855. Wiki-Pig Says:

    Guano should become a general: sending troops into combat while meeting “social liaisons,” sending flirty emails and taking expensive personal trips at taxpayer expense…I mean way to inspire the troops guys.

  856. JP Says:

    Texas wants to return to the glory days of Texas First!

  857. Not A lawyer Says:

    Those petition fools will change their tune when Mexico shows up to reclaim its land.

  858. Wiki-Pig Says:

    Agree. “I’m Moving to Canada” people don’t get that its is a nice but largely cold and boring place, with 30 million people that can’t say “out,” and are afraid of guns.

    Succeeding Texans would be a small country instead of a large state. So even Rhode Islanders would make fun of how small texas is compared to the USA. Hayseeds from Iowa walking around saying “Wow, everything is so cheap here.” They’d have to come here for mexican food, and couldn’t celebrate the 4th of July anymore either.

    Damn, I was eating these “Amy’s” tofu scrambles in the morning: really good, but it turns out the olive oil alone is 15 grams of fat! Back to the bland breakfast.

  859. Guano Dubango Says:

    Hello, I am back. Is there NOT one woman here willing to consider marriage and family with me?

  860. Danielle Says:

    Mr. Dubango:

    I look at this site off and on and am amazed to see that you are still here, with the same pitch. Your are getting older and so is your, uhmm fluid contribution to any “issue.” And stop being pathetic: no woman is going to sleep with you because she feels sorry for you.

    There are only two women on this site: Ellen who is charitably little better than a weirdo, and Not a Lawyer, who has repeatedly said she wants nothing to do with you and would prefer a deaf mute to you (although she was far more polite about it, being a nice person and a mom).

    While sipping a drink last night, I mentioned you to a group of women in their late 20′s. None wanted to go to Accra. None knew anyone, even those who had lost jobs or were in miserable relationships, who would even consider moving there. All are in the movie business and all mentioned movies as showing what you need to do.

    In “Coming to America,” an African prince gets a run down apartment, and a job in a place with waitresses and marries a nice woman. Any place with lots of waitresses would be a great idea.

    A very old movie called “My Man Godfrey” suggests that maybe you ought to get a job as a servant in a nice house old with lots of daughters, one of which will fall in love with you, and marry you after you reveal you’re a prince. A country club doubtless has lots of single women as well.

    Now go get a real job, meet a girl and end this dog and pony show.

  861. Guano Dubango Says:

    I appreciate your advice, but what about you, Danielle? You have a pretty name. I have access to much wealth, and the Dubango compound is the 3rd or 4th largest in Accra. Once people get hungry enough, people like me start to look more attractive. Perhaps you have a friend that would so consider my offer? I do not want to settle for a local Nubian woman; I could have any number of them; I want an American who is smart, pretty and fertile. That is why I am looking here.

  862. Danielle Says:

    I have as much family wealth as you do, and no interest in relocating or getting married yet.

    When you want to catch fish, I assume you drop your line where the fish are. You won’t find any here, and are wasting your productive and procreation years doing so. Not to mention the space wasted with the same tired offer.

    Get a job in a NY eatery employing lots of waitresses who don’t have wealthy parents or high paying jobs. Be warned that they are not stupid people, even though they are usually nice, direct and caring. You seem nice enough: you’ll have a better chance there than here. I’m gone for another 6 months. Bye!

  863. Not A Lawyer Says:

    Ah – Danielle has a good point, Guano. Where else are you looking besides this defunct comment stream with 2 men and a married woman?

    I met with the court-appointed monitor. Not sure how I feel about it. It’s very hard to sum up 9 years in 90 minutes. I feel like I only talked to her about petty, recent fights and not the big macro-issues.

    Tony’s srtill trying to pick fights, but I’ve been doing a good job ignoring him. Today is his birthday, and I sent the kids with a gift and a card….from THEM.

  864. Guano Dubango Says:

    I seek a woman with some refinement, which I do not believe I can find at Burger King or KFC. Besides, what use would they have for a non-US attorney with an LLM degree? I am not particularly adept at the culinary arts, as we have cooks in Accra, and I wind out calling out for food here. Why can’t there be an attractive woman with some schooling willing to bear me issue? This should not be so difficult, but unfortunately, I agree that it is. Perhaps I will have to take an advertisement out in NY Magazine, though I understand that the women there are very liberated and would not want to live in Accra. But it’s a shot, I suppose. Good Luck to you, Danielle — in a few years you may come to regret turning down my offer.

  865. Wiki-Pig Says:

    Before occupying her now palatial house which requires a GPS and a restroom stop to find a door, my ex worked some non-royal jobs; one of my former gf’s who rose to near royal heights in Big Accounting , worked her way thru UC as a waitress. All kinds of neat people work lowly jobs on their way up. That’s often the best time to meet them.

    Or go to bars near big office complexes where swarms of single women go after work. Or playgrounds where divorced moms go with their kids (or if not the moms, the nannys).

    But her point seemed to be that you ought to get to know people the normal way. I’m sure you’d have better luck. Way easier to ask someone out if you’ve met them twice before.

    JP are you still alive?

  866. JP Says:

    I am alive.

    I’m not currently happy about being alive, but I’m alive.

    I’m way overdue on way too much.

  867. Harold Says:

    Good luck to poor Guano, forever in search of the ever-elusive top quality babe.

    Forget the Barbie Doll!

    Maybe he should settle for some average woman, perhaps a bit near-sighted and slightly overweight, who would give him the ride of his life 3-4 nites a week in exchange for an otherwise carefree and leisurely lifestyle.

    Hey, that broad is not so bad for the rest of us fellas, either!

  868. Not A lawyer Says:

    Guano – is this guy one of your clan? I remember when this went down and half of the audit team disappeared to London……

  869. Not A lawyer Says:

    JP – thoughts on the fiscal cliff?

    Working from home today means less working and more dicking around on the internet than usual…..

  870. JP Says:

    The fiscal cliff would represent a step on the long road back to fiscal sanity.

    Therefore, my prediction is that all of the politicians will get together and agree that consensus is required to keep the money spigots open and luscious benefits will continue to flow.

    Because otherwise there would be sadness as the status quo experienced pain and discomfort. And therefore, slight twinges of unhappiness.

    I could be wrong, but I think a deal to avoid common sense is coming soon to a legislature near us.

    And we will see how far we can run up the national debt before something bad happens. With everyone hoping that nothing bad ever happens.

  871. JP Says:

    I had to drive a few hours today for a 45 minute hearing.

    That’s always fun.

    And the hearing was about incontinence.

    Which is also lots of fun.

  872. Guano Dubango Says:

    Yes, the Adoboli family is from Accra, though they are not of royal lineage, as are the Dubangos. Aunt Ooona tells me that a number of Adobolis work in the government bureaucracy in various capacities.

    Kweku is not his birth name. His real birth name is Kwaku, which is the name of a famous goose in ancient Ghanian I do now know what the new name, Kweku is equated to.

    By contrast, my name, Guano, is used to describe the contents of a mahogany jewelery depository, which my royal relatives have in fact filled in 1999 with gifts for the family of my bride to be.

    A woman of my selection will be granted unrestricted access to the depository after she becomes my wife and bears me a royal male heir.

    Is not this tantalizing to any American woman who is both (1) fertile and (2) attractive enough to become Mrs. Guano?

  873. Not A Lawyer Says:

    The single greartest perk of being single is that I no longer have any in-laws to deal with. I can’t tell you much this cheers me up every day.

    I stopped by to pick up my daughter for an even last weekend and had a nice, pleasant chat with my ex-MIL. She showed all of the coordinating pajamas she’d made for her 7 grandkids. I oohed and ahhed and offered to do the girls’ hair for the photo shoot. I noticed there is still an 11×14 bridal portrait of me hanging on her wall, right between her 2 daughters’ portraits. Things were pleasant for a moment, so Tony had to put an end to that.

    On an unrelated note, sparly shirts are still around. They’ve left the Dallas scene for the most part, but they like all trends, are also moving outwards to the suburbs before they make it all the way to meth-addled Oklahoma and die. I am so in tune with them, I can guess their locale. The following text exchange:

    NAL Friend: “AGAIN with the Affliction shirts…..”
    Me: “Oh no! You must be in Plano or Frisco.”
    NAL Friend: “Right on, girl”

    She sent me a picture too, with a text that read, “Your boyfriend’s here.”

  874. JP Says:

    We are moving toward rotisserie chicken for Thanksgiving to avoid the mess.

    MIL hates cooking and my son will eat rotisserie chicken.

    Plus, it’s mmmm good.

  875. Harold Says:

    NAL you should give Guano a chance. Meet him. You don’t have to mArry him if you Don’t want to. You may come to love him, who knows? Give him a shot!

  876. Not A lawyer Says:

    My kids LOVE Costco Rotisserie chicken.

    Okay, Harold. Why not? Set it up. And:

    “You don’t have to mArry him if you Don’t want to” What’s with the caps? Are you also Ellen? Are all 5 of you just one person? I wonder these things….

  877. Wiki pig Says:

    Kids just starting to get up i am watching “wwii in color” and we’re going out-no dishes to clean wondering if Danilee’s family is using ceystal flutes for champagne and are all dressed up And you Guano, tell us what you’re doing. JP and NAL, your families are very lucky to have you in their lives Have a wonderful day everybody.

  878. Wiki-Pig Says:

    Hmmm. I see iphone typing isn’t as accurate as the laptop. Sorry about that.

    “She sent me a picture too, with a text that read, “Your boyfriend’s here”

    -ahem: did she mean the fireman? Or was she just joking about the herd of people in sparkly shirts who you could choose from?

    -I agree about losing the in-laws: I don’t miss them at all: one less burden. JP sounds like his are a burden. But I am weird like that–at gatherings, I’d rather watch my kids or talk to them. That’s cute that she had your photo up though.

    I propose we call “time” on Guano and his posts. They are the same thing, day in and out. They’re not interesting anymore, and I am not going to acknowledge them or respond to them (unless he announces he’s found the “One.”).

    JP’s daily observations on life, futility, adversity, cookies and the market, and NAL’s ongoing life, however, are always interesting.

    BL!Y, how was your Thanksgiving?

  879. JP Says:

    My in-laws are fine. The problem with my in-laws is who they are married to. Namely, each other. Also, the family trust is the named entity on my deed (so that we wouldn’t have a mortgage). That’s funny if somebody looks it up. I should go ahead and reimburse the trust to get its name off the deed now that I think about it. Maybe I’ll take the time to draft a post-nup for myself.

    My burden is me.

    I got out of the market last Monday (short). I wanted to get out Friday, but that would have been free riding.

    I have no expectations of the market right now.

    Guano’s slightly better than Ellen, to tell you the truth. So, if Ellen is a negative 10, Guano’s a negative 9.

    BL1Y abandoned this desert a long time ago. I once mentioned it to him over at his new place and he basically laughed.

  880. JP Says:

    Hey! There’s a Wii in my house. And no one is home….

  881. Not A lawyer Says:

    Good call, Pig. Guano needs some new material. I’d love to read about his adventures in dating – that is, IF he can get a date.

    JP, how was the chicken? Pig, how was your Thanksgiving?

    I particiapted in my sister-in-laws family talent show. See? I’m a team player.

    A teacher friend of mine who was off work all last week spent the night at my house on Monday. By Tuesday morning one of the Jennifers was slowly creeping by my house in her minivan looking in the windows of my friends’ car. What the hell is wrong with these people? I’m not that interested in ANYONE’S life that I would go out of my way to creep by their houses. When is this harassment?

  882. Not A lawyer Says:

    I’m pretty sure the Divorce Care group at my church should be re-named “Christian Booty Calls.”

  883. JP Says:

    “A teacher friend of mine who was off work all last week spent the night at my house on Monday. By Tuesday morning one of the Jennifers was slowly creeping by my house in her minivan looking in the windows of my friends’ car. What the hell is wrong with these people? I’m not that interested in ANYONE’S life that I would go out of my way to creep by their houses. When is this harassment?”

    My father would sit on the roof of our house growing up with binoculars to watch the affair happening across the street. The neighbors thought he was nutzo.

    Some people enjoy the spying experience.

    Unfortunately, at least one of the Jennifers is a female version of my father.

    You need to leave a note in the car window that starts:

    “Dear Jennifer:

    This particular car belongs to ….”

    Make sure they can see it.

  884. Harold Says:

    Guano, they think you are a schlub, but NAL sounds willing to give you a shot! Can you put together something exciting enough to sweep NAL off her feet? Remember to take it slow; as a churchgoing Texan, I don’t see you bedding this Bible thumper on the first or second date.

  885. Not A Lawyer Says:

    Oh Harold, wrong again. My sluttiest friends are God-fearing Bible thumpers. True.

  886. JP Says:


    “Oh Harold, wrong again. My sluttiest friends are God-fearing Bible thumpers. True.”

    How is this possible given the stress on chastity and against fornication and the pleasures of the flesh in Christendom?

    Some sort of cognitive dissonance?

  887. Not A Lawyer Says:

    We’re all sinners, JP. May as well enjoy it.

  888. Wiki-Pig Says:

    This was a restful thanksgiving. Sleeping late, watching tv, walking with the kids while they talk about whatever, and eating too much. Little if any work. When I tried to get people by email, only one or two responded.

    Saw Skyfall: very good. Probably the best of the post-Connery movies.

    A male teacher spent the night? Ah, ha, Ms. NAL. That “peeping Jennifer” is probably looking for some reason to challenge custody. How tiresome is that? I guess next time visitors need to park in the garage or down the street. And maybe you should tape them when you see them.

    Harold, the girls from religious schools were the biggest drinkers, and most willing partners in first year of college. Like sailors without alcohol or sex for a year, they went crazy.

  889. Not A Lawyer Says:

    No no no JP. A female teacher, and old friend and sorority sister of mine spent the night. She lives about an hour away, so she usually crashes with me when she visits. Overnight guests of the opposite sex are prohibited in my temp orders.

    You’re right though – that’s exactly what she was looking for. This is the same one that reported my jogging to Tony, pprobably desperately hoping she’d caught me being negligent.

    The closest I’ve come to THAT type of guest was the failed kiss attempt by my colleague and one text from a stranger that is friends with my pool guy. This is pathetic.

  890. Wiki-Pig Says:

    “Overnight guests of the opp sex …prohibited..”? Wow, I hadn’t heard of that one. Another reason more people are doing it at work and at hotels at lunch, I suppose.

  891. Not A lawyer Says:

    Just under tempororary orders, no overnight guests of the opposite sex while I have the children. This isn’t standard?

    People are probably doing it at work because they are married to other people….

    I just realized I called you JP a few posts ago. That’s what I get ofr multi-tasking. Woopsies.

  892. Wiki-Pig Says:

    I just don’t remember that temp order at all. Not that it made an enormous difference in the first 100 days or so.

    I want everyone to know something really important that I had missed until Ms. Pig mentioned it last night. I mean take a walk on the fiscal cliff while you digest this one. Snoop Dog has renamed himself Snoop Lion. OK? He had a marijuana induced realization that he was a lion not a dog, and believes he was reincarnated as Bob Marley. You can check this out on the web. While I like some Dr. Dre, I wouldn’t know Snoop Dog if he bite me. But I am going to find an opportune time to mention “Snoop Lion” in front of several people today, hoping that one snidely corrects me (“Its snoop dog.”) Then I will effortlessly reveal that I am so cool I know about something as unimportant as snoop Lion.

  893. Harold Says:

    I stand corrected. Guano, if you play your hand right, you may in fact hit a home run with NAL, as the Southern Christian thing is not going to automatically prevent the legs from parting, much in the way that Moses did with the Red Sea. Guano, you may want to bone up on this by renting the 10 Commandments and do what Charlton Heston does with NAL.

    NAL is prepared to give it up in the sack to you but you can’t expect it. You have to EARN it.

    NAL, are there other hurdles Guano will have to clear before you will lead him into The Promised Land (a/k/a your Bermuda Triangle?)

  894. Not A Lawyer Says:

    I’d rather he charmed the Tube Top right off of Jennifer, move her to Ghana and allow her to bring Tony as her lover/assistant. I would be forever in his debt. I’d bear an issue stateside for a favor like that.

  895. Wiki-Pig Says:

    Harold, you are….uh…well, one of a kind..

    Are you really old? You could have told Guano that NAL is not going down as fast as a general’s biographer, etc., but “you have to EARN it?” You sound like the old guy in the 1979 commercial for Smith Barney (“they EARN IT!”).

    And whats with the comparison to the Red Sea? Was “bone up on this” intended ? “if you play your hand right…” also intended?

  896. Not A Lawyer Says:

    And why is Harold such a champion for Guano’s sex life these days -especially when it sounds like he doesn’t have much of one of his own?

    Are you a voyeur? Or are you Guano’s alter ego?

  897. Wiki-Pig Says:

    I don’t think he’s Guano’s alter ego: Guano posts the same thing time after time and on other sites as well. And has for more than a year! Just google his name sometime–endless posts, almost all the same.

    Maybe Harold works in a seedy Bronx bar and uses the bosses laptop; or he’s a college student not getting any, and is so feverish with lust he cannot contain himself; or as I think, he lives in a dingy studio under a L train, with a three day growth of beard, a stained wife beater t-shirt and a drooping cigarette. Or wait…he writes letters for a “This happened to me” section of some sleazy magazine. But instead of salaciously teasing the reader, he uses the literary equivalent of a 2×4. Come on ahrold–give–what do you do? For work i mean.

  898. Not A Lawyer Says:

    I think he lives with his mom and spends his days in chat rooms and playing online poker.

  899. JP Says:

    Living with my mother and spending my days in chat rooms and playing online poker would represent an increase in my quality of life at the moment.

    I’m exhausted and want a vacation.

    But, no, I must brief…and brief…

  900. Not A Lawyer Says:

    I do too. Maybe that sumptuous dinner party Pig is planning should be aboard a luxurious cruise ship with a pool and cabana attendants….

  901. Wiki-Pig Says:

    If we have it on a ship, it kind of cuts out the deep textured wood paneling, hidden rooms behind bookshelves, sipping MacCallum in the drawing room, and flickering candles theme. But it can be done!

    If not aboard the Queen Mary moored in Long Beach, we might be able to get the former Trump Princess that trump did up at a cost of millions. The cabana attendants: we’ll have to assign one studly man as NAL’s personal attendant, but i am going to put an ankle shocker on him so he won’t be tempted to poach the female attendants there for me and JP. But i doubt I can get you a mute one.

    Come to think of it, I could use a really long deep tissue and hot rock massage right now. And a mai tai with a gently rocking boat.

    Good idea NAL!

  902. Not A Lawyer Says:

    Luxurious boats can have deep extured wood paneling and hidden rooms behind bookshelves, no? I know we can get a drawing room and some MacCallum (along with the thousands of tourists aboard that would try to crash our party).

    It’s my fantasy. My cabana boy is mute.

  903. Wiki-Pig Says:

    Its an idea at that: I’ll open an exclusive agency offering…mute massuse…uhm, massuesses…OK i can’t spell it, but massage people of both sexes. “Our totally discrete masseuses provide completely confidential service, and will never utter a word, or betray a confidence.”

  904. Harold Says:

    Hey! You guys are a bunch of d-bags! All I am doing is trying to couple two people who probably haven’t had sex for a long time and who appear on this website to be somewhat compatible. I don’t know Guano or NAL personally, nor do I stand to gain if the two of them hook up or get married, for that matter. I see Guano as a hapless schlep who probably would be loyal to NAL, and I see NAL as someone who has been wronged by a HUBBY that humped her, then dumped her for some other broad. You would think she would appreciate some guy with loyalty as well as a schlong that would keep her happy in the sack!

    Now that NAL finally said she would meet Guano, he is nowhere to be seen; possibly run out of town here by a bunch of ne’er do wells who in their smugness feel better when they put down a schleppy non-citizen who is trying to become a success in the USA despite his own riches in Africa. I say its great for him not to rely on his riches to lure in women; he has a job here and presumably has saved a few dinero of his own.

    At this point I can only step back and hope that NAL will contact Guano, or at least be responsive if he is ever to come back to the table.

    As for me, don’t fret. I’ve had more than my share of women, and can have sex anytime I want without charge. So look to your own genitalia before condeming others and thinking you are all superior, OK? Nuff said!

  905. Wiki-Pig Says:

    Compatible? A 34 yr old blonde texan with 2 kids, that wants a deaf mute poolboy, and a 38 year old citizen of Accra with dating skills so refined, that he’s spent the better part of 2 years asking for a date from anyone that even sounds female on a defunct website? I suppose it could happen but it doesn’t seem likely.

    Anyway, “Making it in the US” does not normally mean getting laid here, despite the movie “Love Actually”.

    But even if it did, watching Guano is like watching a duck try to make love to a football. Or Lindsay Lohan trying to stay out of trouble.

    Harold, everyone can have sex for free. The test is if you can have it with women who expect a little more than stale beer, an expired condom and a rumpled cot in a seedy studio in Brooklyn. Go in peace.

    -Senor Douchebag

  906. Not A Lawyer Says:

    I’d say Guano’s game places heavy reliance on his compound in Accra and his African riches. There is no “depsite” here.

    I’m going out tonight in another attempt to open myself up to new opportunities….or just to drink margaritas with my girlfriends and “look married” as usual. A good time either way.

    Tony is insisting that he get the dining room furniture and all of the wedding china and crystal. ALL of it. I agreed, as I’m sure his next wife will thoroughly enjoy eating off of my wedding china, but am determined to “christen” the table before he takes it.

  907. Wiki-Pig Says:

    Yeah, furniture and china are expensive to replace. He must have tools, guns, or what not that he took that ought to be counted as his “take”.

    Good luck tonight: and think about using a prop–you can’t really drop a parasol now days but anything that lets a a guy converse with you is golden, since it lets him appear to be interested only in that. Anything will work. Except a sign that says “Guano.”

    JP, these long silences are off putting. I worry about you brooding at work. What do you think about a luxury ship with tanned massuses massuseses damn it–masseuse instead of a remote, luxurious mansion with walls 3 feet thick?

    Here are the real pressing Q of the day:

    (1) 15 nations just formed a trans pacific partnership which excluded the US: Australia, So Korea, China etc. Obama’s effort to sell one that excluded china did not sell; what impact? (other than telling So Ko to “f—Off” next time they need help;

    (2), when a judge finally gets Lindsay Lohan on one of these charges (lying to the cops in Calif or assault in NY), how long should she serve as a jail term? She really has become a pest. Jail time is almost required, even more than it was for Paris Hilton on whom it appeared to have a salutary effect.


  908. JP Says:

    I’m not brooding. I’m multi-briefing.

    (NAL: The closest analogous experience in your life would be the joys of interacting with Tony on a regular, continuous, and sustained basis.)

  909. Not A Lawyer Says:

    Analogous to christening the table or letting him have my china?

    How are the briefs coming? And what about that cruise?

    Pig – what’s the charter of this little club to which the US was not invited?

  910. JP Says:

    They are not coming that well. It’s like eating sawdust.

  911. Wiki-Pig Says:

    JP, there is a secret to brief writing: I learned it from an on line version of an old National Lampoon article called “How to Write Good.” (yes that’s the title).

    Write across a page, 4 or five meaningless jargon phrases. Like these:

    “the law does The evidence clearly Public policy requires that
    not bother meets the burden of the decision be affirmed.
    with trifles. substantial evidence.

    That point was Superfluity does Assuming without deciding that
    not raised not vitiate. this is true, it is irrelevant and
    below. the opinion does not stand for
    an issue not part of the court’s

    Then just pick one from column A, one from B and so on. The more you have the better it’ll sound. You can delegate the whole business to your secretary.

  912. Wiki-Pig Says:

    oops the columns blended. Sorry . anyway, you get the idea.

  913. JP Says:

    I have a thousand pages of medical documents that I am crafting into a fifteen page (relatively concise) statement of facts. When was the surgery? What were the symptoms? How many times did Doctor X see client? What medications was client on in 2004? etc. It’s a ton of this stuff.

    My problem is the fact that I am in a completely fact-centric area of law.

    I have plenty of nice briefs containing words like yours.

    My problem isn’t the legal content; it’s the factual content.

    I see that you read Spengler, too. He’s always a fun read. Somewhat off the rails, but still always fun. Some of his arrows hit the bulls eye….some don’t even seem to be pointed at the target.

    You should read his Egypt articles.

    If you want a “how America might fall” series, you can read JMG’s stuff over at:

    In any event, we have entered the Delegimination phase of the Great Power cycle.

    This is the post-hegemonic period during which the hegemon is delegitimized in the eyes of the other great powers.

    On the bright side, nothing major should happen this decade.

  914. JP Says:

    In other news, I found this link.

    This is precisely the type of group my first college roommate should have belonged to. And I’m not being sarcastic or witty. It’s the truth.

  915. Harold Says:

    Well, It looks like you guys really scared Guano off, just as NAL was getting primed to drop her tube top! Poor schlep was close enough to smell it when all of a sudden she puts a dime between her knees. Maybe that’s better than wining and dining this dame for weeks before giving up with a set of blue balls. Go, Guano and find a woman interested in you and happy to f****ck when you want her to. You are not a bad guy!

  916. Wiki-Pig Says:

    Ah, yes, the “fact-dense” brief. The ones that stand out from the reams of BS. What’s the saying? “I had to write a long brief because I didn’t have time to do a short one.” Your’re an ace.

    Your college roommate: did he wear hoods and use whips? Tie attractive women to his bunk? Before long, they’ll want to form bar associations. Those ought to be interesting meetings. Might work wonders for Guano.

    And imagine the 1L going to the BLSA meeting! “No sir, the Black Law Students meet Tuesday: we are the Bondage Law Students.” Down the hall, eager young hispanic 1L’s stumble into the darkened meeting room of the “Hooded Law Students Association.”

    Headline “Adult studio sued over ‘Fifty Shades.” Apparently a studio called “Smash” did “Fifty shades of Grey: A XXX Adaption.” The studio evidently hired Jenner & Block.

  917. JP Says:

    He was into the strangulation game.

    And he nearly succeeded in causing death of his beloved strangulee due to his excitement.

  918. Wiki-Pig Says:

    Yikes! That is way out of my comfort zone.

    But then again, before attending the off campus SLSA meetings, better be sure its the Straight and not the Strangulation meeting.

  919. JP Says:

    At one point, this moron got drunk and apparently let the local homeless guy have sex with him.

    I was so, so glad that I was no longer living with him when he did that.

  920. Wiki pig Says:

    My life is so tame in comparison. I thought being offered LSD was a big deal. I said no. I am probably the only person in LA that hasn’t done coke. Man that was one weird roommate. You are going to. E the best story teller at the mansion or on the ship

  921. Wiki pig Says:

    My life is so tame in comparison. I thought being offered LSD was a big deal. I said no. I am probably the only person in LA that hasn’t done coke. Man that was one weird roommate. You are going to. E the best story teller at the mansion or on the ship

  922. Not A Lawyer Says:

    Wow JP – No wonder you were championing abstinence at the time! I would too. Holy Moly.

    I don’t want to be strangled or whipped or caned. Does that make me boring?

    Maybe the mansion is a better idea. I don’t want to be trapped on a boat or an island with Ellen, Guano, and Harold.

  923. JP Says:

    No, silly, I was championing abstinence at the time because abstinence was the morally ideal outcome. Although I never had a problem with drinking alcohol, oddly enough. Even when I was younger.

    Pre-marital sex? Bad. Swearing? Bad. Alcohol? Yummy!

    You know, I still don’t swear unless it’s in the middle of the night and I’m screaming expletives at the top of my lungs waking up the entire house.

    The only benefit that I obtained from my lack of sex in college was my lack of children fathered by me in college and my lack of herpes.

  924. Not A Lawyer Says:

    Lack of bastards and herpes are tow very good things.

    We swear a lot in banking. Maybe it’s because we are always fighting with some knucklehead operator or process designer that won’t listen to us, but the f-bombs they do fly at work. They have since my MS days. Try auditing a securities trader without getting called a f**king b**ch.

    Alcohol is yummy, so is sex and swearing.

  925. Wiki-Pig Says:

    JP we are going to have you sleep at the end of the Great Hall so no one is terrified out of a sound night’s sleep.

  926. JP Says:

    I’m the only person I know who only ever swears in their sleep.

    I think I swore once or twice in middle school.

    For some reason, I internalized swearing as some sort of crime against humanity and now it’s locked in my brain box.

  927. Not A lawyer Says:

    My sister-in-laws grandmother was a very conservative religious woman her entire life…until she became senile and started telling dirty jokes and making sexual passes at every male and female attendant in the nursing home. I hope I get to see you old and senile sometime, JP.

  928. Anonymous Says:

    Just hump him now, NAL, while he can appreciate the relatively fresh twat. It will be good for you too, so long as the booze does not affect the hydrolics.

  929. JP Says:

    If I had the skill of “making sexual passes”, this would be a possibility in old age.

    However, since I never really developed this skill, either the “sexual pass” skill or the less intense “flirting” skill, it’s unlikely to emerge as my mind breaks down.

    I am more likely to give an exposition on cosmology.

  930. Not A Lawyer Says:

    You can still be a cussing, QVC addicted old man. Should be pretty hilarious.

    I don’t hump married men. Not even the one that’s married to me.

  931. Wiki-Pig Says:

    NAL, you are depriving some married man with an “cold, unfeeling wife” of an affair.

    Harold, your “Anonymous” posting was only missing the word “dames” or “broads,” but it otherwise has you all over it.

    JP, if we wind up in the same nursing home, me, NAL, Harold and Ellen will know who you are after a few weeks of swearing and cosmology lectures (and the chick fil A delivered): how will you know who we are?

  932. Wiki-Pig Says:

    Listen to this: PBS used it on an old special called The Civil War. They’d be perfect music for JP’s stories in the drawing room as the remote mansions etc.

  933. Not A lawyer Says:

    It IS pefect, Pig. JP has a voice like that of Morgan Freeman – and I know that makes no sense, but that’s how I want him to sound.

    Court-aoointed counselor is making a home visit next week. By gosh this is almost over!

    Because I had to pull out all of the credit card stuff for her, I’m again toying with the idea of NOT splitting the debt 50/50. Since I have the last 2 years of his bank statements, I can prove that the expenses had very little to do with me and were not for my benefit. Think its worth it?

  934. Wiki-Pig Says:

    Yes I do: offer it as a compromise, for something else. But ceding points for no gain has a way of inciting graspers like T to demand more–and then you have to fight over stuff that really matters, and have no “throw away” things to give up. Learned that the hard way: be reasonable and someone will decide you can be mugged with impunity.

  935. Not A Lawyer Says:

    He’ll never agree – he’ll insist on going to court. What are chances a juge will reduce my settlement from 50% to say 10% of his debt? It’s a big risk….

  936. Anonymous Says:

    I think Tony (or whatever his name is) probably got the S**it end of the stick. Once she popped out the kids, her snatch snapped shut and the guy had to go elsewhere to find a warm place to park his pecker.

  937. Wiki-Pig Says:

    When faced with these things ( I had somewhat same issues it was: how much will it cost for me to prove it? Will I have to pay her lawyer fees too, since I make more? Those two factors led me t o waive most of the issues I could have fought over. Maybe same for you. But I would hope there is something he wants that you can trade for assuming all the debt. If not, then I guess its best to suck it up. Still, it seems unfair for you to have to pay for his “waste” of community funds.

  938. JP Says:

    I sound like John Boy Walton. I’m not sure exactly what he sounds like, but people have insisted that I sound like him.

    If you don’t take 50% of the dufus’s debt, he’s going to whine for the next, well as many years as he’s still alive.

    Your goal should be to reduce drama to a minimum. You can make up the money in salary and bonuses. The more you fight, the more he will whine. Howver, you need to convince him that you are doing him a favor by assuming 50% of the debt.

    If you weren’t in an excellent corporation position, my advice would be different. But you sound safe, careerwise.

  939. Not A Lawyer Says:

    Yeah. hye is already shopping for houses outside of his budget because he firmly beleives that 1) He is going to get custody and not have to pay child support and 2) He is going to get a huge settlement from me for his debt and equity in the house that he didn’t contribute to. He’s promised the kids awesome rooms, a pool, and a puppy.

    The narcissistic prick feels perfectly entitled to all of my money, and while I planned to give it to him just to make the pain go away, I’m starting to consider fighting this battle. I can prove it. Thousand upon thousands of charges every single month on meals, bars, beer, green fees, Nascar tickets, Rangers Tickets, Cowboys tickets, and the occaisional meal that included me and the kids. I think I should make an offer in mediation for 10%, thopugh willing to pay a little more. 50% is ridiculous.

  940. JP Says:

    Well, if he’s completely delusional and detached from reality, you might as well shoot for the moon.

  941. Wiki-Pig Says:

    I have to find someone like NAL to marry so she can support me. NAL, if Ms. Pig bows out of the picture in the next year or so, have any friends who want to move to California, marry, punch out a couple of kids? I want two more so I’ll at least be close to my dad who had 6. I’ll take the new wife with me on trips, because I’d rather be with a woman than guys, so she’ll get a much better deal!

    NAL, I am not so keen on offering stuff w/o a trade off: it convinces everyone–arbitrators and mediators included–that you are so generous and warm=-hearted –and so loaded–that you’ll do even more to “keep the peace.” Inevitably, that means they expect you to fork over mountains of money.

    They say “its only money” but they only say that to you, not to the person who wants the money.

    They are like Randolph Duke in the movie Trading Places: to paraphrase, “Where the wife paying support pays too much or too little, we always get our fees and we’re not responsible for her decision.”

    You’re the one left with the risk of losing your job -but keeping the payment obligations. You are the one paying year after year. And if its not deductible, like child support, you’re the one with a messy balance sheet.

    So yes you want to do a deal. Yes you want to be free of all this. But be careful on the amounts you agree to and what you give up without a trade. I’d spend a lot of time moaning about the debt that has to be paid, the duration of the payments etc.

    I also found that the more my ex thought I was suffering, the happier and more likely to make a deal she was. I deliberately leaked tales of woe back to her and it worked better than any rational argument I ever made.

  942. Anonymous Says:

    Why are we all so focused on NAL’s inability to sustain a relationship with a man? She got a couple of kids out of it, and she has a job, so WTF is she complaining about?

    Surely no guy in his right mind would marry her now, with that attitude. Pork her, perhaps but not marry. And since we don’t know what she looks like, maybe porking is not a guarantee.

  943. Wiki-Pig Says:

    Anonymous: Please read this–or have someone that can read do it for you: “She doesn’t want to pay a crippling stream of child and/or spousal support to a deadbeat ex who already ran up thousands in debt, and is a semi-no show for the kids.

    See? She might want to vacation in Europe, buy a Bugatti, send her kids to Harvard or buy a remote mansion–and there is that ex, rattling the cup for more support, hanging on like a homeless panhandler on a rope to your ankle.

    She’s not asking for deadbeat ex to pay her: she just wants him to go away and stop making things worse.

    JP: Why so silent? Counting the money from short selling Apple?

  944. JP Says:

    I shorted the market. I’m also completely exhausted.

  945. Anonymous Says:

    Smelly pussy will get you fellas all the time!

  946. Wiki-Pig Says:

    we’re on a cool blogsite. We have trolls!

  947. JP Says:

    That’s the same troll over and over again.

  948. Not A Lawyer Says:

    Is Anonymous Banker Bill? And I Banker Bill Harold? And is Harold Guano?

    I have been super busy with year-end stuff. Just ran a long race yesterday, so I’m done training for the year.

    Pool guy’s friend is texting me again. I think he’s just bored. I think he should be my practice boyfriend….

  949. JP Says:

    What about using a young associate attorney as your practice boyfriend?

    They have to bill 2000 hours a year.

    You’re not a lawyer, which they may view as a plus.

    So, there’s no risk that they will bother you at all hours of the day.

    Although you may have trouble getting them at *any* hour of the day.

  950. Wiki-Pig Says:

    That’s good advice JP. Always do casual sex with someone who has to go to bed at night and get up in the morning. The crazies with no job and too much time will ruin you. To paraphrase Ronald Reagan, “when you encounter two temptations, pick the one that gets you home by 11:00.”

  951. Anonymous Says:

    One of you fellas should do the charitable thing and offer to bang Not A Lawyers bottom out.

  952. Not A Lawyer Says:

    My weird neighbor who keeps asking me to bake him cookies is starting to look pretty good to me….

  953. Wiki-Pig Says:

    weird or not, the problem with neighbors is that they’re there after a break up.

  954. Not A Lawyer Says:

    And the last thing my neighborhood needs is MORE scandal.

    Here is what I learned in 17 texts: Pool guy’s friend isn’t the brightest crayon in the box. And I don’t think he likes me. Or he still has that girlfriend and was just checking things out.

    Back to square 1 and the sparkly d-bags.

  955. Wiki-Pig Says:

    So Great White Sharks were placed under some “protected” status in 1994?. They are apparently making a real rebound. Episodic attacks on people off the coast here. Discounting those on people goofily swimming with seals in the morning, there are more than before. Some spotted are 18 footers. So watch it if you hit the beach anytime in the next few years.

  956. JP Says:


    “Here is what I learned in 17 texts: Pool guy’s friend isn’t the brightest crayon in the box. ”

    I’m not sure that I’m actually surprised by this revelation.

    There’s a Mr. Sparkles out for you somewhere in Texas.

    You just need to radiate…whatever it is that you weren’t radiating when you pulled Tony out of wherever it was.

    How did you discover Tony in the first place.


    That’s great. 18-foot sharks .

  957. JP Says:

    I wish I had a Harvard MBA and had gone into finance.

    I are hate law.

  958. Anonymous Says:

    Who is giving BJs to Tony now? I say NAL should reconcile so we can find some other Texas twat to poke!

  959. Not A lawyer Says:

    Giant sharks….like JP doesn’t have enough worries, Pig!

    Anonymous: 1. You’re disgusting. 2: A less pretty, less smart, less young version of me. She’s highly regarded among the local elementary PTA, but that’s mostly because they’re all idiots.

  960. Wiki-Pig Says:

    Well, it’ll induce JP and e to skip chick fil A to lower our profiles in the water.

    Statisticians posit a 1 in a million chance of being attacked by sharks…but discounting landlocked people,…the old, babies, ill and so on, I bet the odds are much higher. Ugh.

    Being a full service gloom and doom poster: was reading a book about “Dangers in the Wild,” which is not about a Michigan right to work demonstration. Trying to deter demands from Ms. Pig for a vacation to some remote place.

    Book says NEVER go near the edges of cliffs or waterfalls in hawaii and other tropical places. Edges it explains, are usually just leaves supported by disintegrating rock or worse, outcroppings of vines.. They ghoulishly cite examples of kids who mysteriously are “never seen again” after going to Hawaii with parents and going “out to explore.” Book says they likely fell onto rocks and were washed to to sea as chum. Ugh. So don’t say I didn’t warn you.

    Book details mountain climbers who erred in how they climbed and ooops–fell. (Story details how one person fell and pulled down all the people connected by a rope, which could have been prevented if….), well I don’t want to give everything away).

    Hey tony, ever seen the waterfalls in Kuai?

  961. JP Says:

    Yes, the cliffs and waterfalls.

    They call to the children and the old…

    Come, play with me….come….dive off my rocky points into oblivion…..the ocean will hold you within it’s loving watery brackish arms…until you become one with the sea….it won’t hurt…you will feel only relief as the burdens of life are lifted from you.

    Feel the ground crumble beneath your feet…feel free…so free…pull your friends with you….yes….dive into the waves, frolic among the rocks….allow the sharks to caress you as you slowly fade from the world…and find yourself at peace…..peace…..peace…..

  962. JP Says:

    I felt their judicial stares upon me today.

    Yes, I could feel the sheer power of law…the judicial mind is powerful…they can taste the deceit rising from the lips of the client.

    And fear…such fear….the entire room was thick with terror as THEY spoke…THEY pronounced judgment….

    …and then there was only silence.

  963. JP Says:

    I can still hear their voices…pleading for money to sustain them…begging for the right to live as they once lived….but there was nothing to be done…strict justice was all they received.

    If only they had lived their lives differently….their last days would be spent in utter triumph rather that the complete defeat of failing to escape the prisonhouse of the middle class…they never had a chance….it was already too late the miniute they first drew breath.

  964. JP Says:

    There’s nothing left at all.

    It’s empty.

    Empty forever.


  965. Anonymous Says:

    NAL, if what you say is true, why has Tony settled for a lesser cut of meat? If he had steak, why has he made a bee-line for hamburger helper? Dare I guess that you were too high maintenance and demanding of him. I can tell you first hand that bona fide beauties who are perpetual nags get tired and ugly fast in my book such that the quiet and more accommodating woman who may not be a visual knockout looks a lot better as the whining and badgering from the spouse continues unabated. I do not know your situation, but it sounds VERY familiar.

    So if you think that TONY was wrong to seek out that less attractive specimen for solace, at least accept that she is able to fulfill a need that you can no longer do. If you are able to change your attitude and outlook, you will have better luck with another guy in the future.

  966. Wiki pig Says:

    Gee JP I am going to bring a 911 suicide watch operator to the dinner if you keep this up. They could have been born in some poor foreign country. Or without a brain stem. Or been born lindsay lohan Or worse, they could have been Anonymous’s first or last date.

    Channel 5 reports an armed robber jumped out of his car and ran into a park to escape from pursuing cops. The LAPD and the sheriff’s department were holding a charity function in the park. Now there is a guy who didn’t have a chance.

  967. JP Says:

    WP: If they were born without a brain stem, they would never know they were born without a brain stem.


  968. Not A Lawyer Says:

    Wow JP – that is pretty heavy stuff for a Thursday morning. I suppose anything is better than the debate my new office neighbors are having loudly outside my door about Star Wars figures. Guess which department has invaded the compliance space?

    Anonymous – you don’t know sh*t and I don’t feel like explaining it to you. I’m fantastic and I was a great wife.

  969. JP Says:

    There are still adults who discuss Star Wars figures?

    The quants?

  970. JP Says:

    I wasted way too much of my life playing computer games and reading fantasy/science fiction.

    The amount of time I now dedicated to that is pretty close to zero.

    Mostly because it was useless.

  971. Not A Lawyer Says:

    The one married guy is trying to sell his figures. Then the topic changed to the ties between Twilight and 50 Shades of Grey. If you’ve never heard a group of geeky men standing around discussing 50 Shades of Grey, you ain’t living right. This is golden. It completely made my day.

  972. JP Says:

    Sleep…need to rest…so tired….so worn out…

    I’m old. So old…I used to be young….so young.

    Now age has it’s icy grip around my neck…soon death will visit me….

    …I need a fire to warm myself….so cold….so cold….

  973. JP Says:

    OK. Eating rum cake. Drinking Coffee. Turned up the heat. Feeling better now.

  974. JP Says:

    It wasn’t enough…sliding backward into the dark….the cold dark….the quiet place….

    … cold…so tired…

  975. Wiki-Pig Says:

    No Fail!!

    If born w/o one, they would never have experienced sex, love, rejection, smelled baking cookies, fresh cut grass, or heard birds chirping. Not to mention a marllboro red in the morning, a good cigar at night, laughed at a hilarious joke, or experienced the near indescribable experience of sex the first time. (remember ever thinking that no girl would like you? And then getting laid the first time?)

    And who says Stemless Sam wouldn’t “know” any of this? Why conclude that he wouldn’t be even slightly sentient? “They” used to think people in comas didn’t hear or remember anything. And that lobotomy’s were a great idea. But I suppose my catholic upbringing makes me science resistant on matters like this.

    PS: I don’t want to sound like Anonymous here, but I read once that there is a test of when its time to do housework. Its also a test of when its time to admit you’re old: does your member still work? If so, then its not time for either. So at age 38, old age is DECADES away.

    PPS: If you had moved to California you wouldn’t be so damn cold, even though you’d be overly taxed.

    PPSS: parents a 6 year old incurable optimist took him to shrink who put optimist in a room full of horse manure. “that’ll fix him” assured the shrink. In 15 minutes they looked in and the kid was enthusiastically pushing the manure this way and that. Questioned he said “With all this shit, there has to be a pony in here somewhere.”

  976. JP Says:

    ” (remember ever thinking that no girl would like you? And then getting laid the first time?)”


    I can’t recall ever having this problem.

    My problem was that I couldn’t approach the girls I was interested in even after I knew they were interested in me.

    Also, girls would periodically try to date me who I didn’t want to date. Some succeeded. I once spend two years in a relationship where I wasn’t actually interested in the girl. No sex, though. No way was I having sex with her.

    I followed the rules.

    No sex before marriage because that’s simply criminal.

    Granted, I waited until I was engaged, but still.

    I had a Lutheran upbringing. I was ready to join the protestant war against the Holy See to finally wrest control of Christendom away from the Papists once and for all. I think I was a few centuries too late.

  977. Wiki-Pig Says:

    JP I also suggest you watch “Airplane,” “Naked Gun” and read about someone who had a right to be depressed: True story:

    Mr. X was put on a train at age 7 to go to boarding school; his parents never visited him; he was whipped at school so badly that when he came home one summer the welts were still visible. He failed his graduation exams the first and second time, disgracing his parents. He was, it was concluded, a bit of a moron who would never amount to anything.

    He finally had to go into the army, where he was captured and held as a POW. He escaped and hid in a mine during the day, to try and escape. A reward was offered for him “dead or alive.”

    He left the army and suffered repeated defeats in his career. People literally crossed the street to avoid talking to him and his wife. He was nearly bankrupt at age 50 and written off as “finished.” Who was he?

  978. JP Says:

    My life peaked in middle school/high school.

    From there, it was a long slide into the abyss as, crippled from the shock of the real world with actual responsibilities, I limped into the corporate environs of law…the sheer legalness of the firm slowly ground the last vestiges of hope from me as I paid off my debts and bought a house.

    Emotionally crippled, I got married and have children, only to realize that I would never again be…what was I saying? I’m so old and broken that I’ve forgotten….some days I even forget my own name…my own life….gone forever.

    I’m trying to figure out how you wail disconsolately on the Internet.

    Is there an emoticon for this? looks kind of dumb.

    True story. I just met with clients who were complaining about how they could get Medicaid in Kentucky, but not here and how the husband was in horrible shape because they are in North Carolina.

    I’m sitting there thinking “this problem would be solved by….going back to Kentucky”. Seriously. Huh?

    I mean, you move, lose your Medicaid, and then complain about how you don’t have Medicaid. And you’ve been complaining about this for a year. This isn’t rocket science. It’s like knowing that when you are really thirsty, you drink water.

    This rum cake is good. Seriously.

    I’m really amusing myself by writing these depressive sketches. It’s really funny for me.

  979. JP Says:

    “” Test

  980. JP Says:

    I didn’t work! I tried to write . Without spaces. and it failed!

  981. JP Says:




  982. JP Says:

    I used

    which the HTML didn’t like.

  983. JP Says:

    Never mind.

  984. JP Says:

    I’ll feel much better once I get this work done.

    January and February are much lighter, court schedule-wise.

  985. Wiki-Pig Says:

    If it were up to me I’d institute “IDon’tCare” for people that have no lost legs or war wounds and whine about government benefits. Then they’d have something to whine about.

  986. JP Says:

    It isn’t even an insoluble problem. It’s pretty easy to fix.

    Move home until you get medical care.

  987. Not A Lawyer Says:

    Ah JP and so is yours! If sex or booze won’t cheer you up, find your joy in SOMETHING.

    Re-invent your career and go into finance. Banks and private equity firms need lawyers too. It’s not as easy as it sounds, but it absolutely doable for the smart and driven. I once changes career tracks and took a lower paying job, a moonlighting job bartending on the side, and I had 2 babies under the age of 2 at home. Challenges shmallenges. Find your joy.

    The guy that led the “50 Shades” discussion keeps flirting with me. I’m about to throw my stapler at him.

  988. JP Says:

    My primary problem will actually be partially solved by getting through this month and taking on less work (which I started doing 18 months ago).

    I’m just not a fan of the entire “work experience”. Doing work generally puts me in a bad mood. That’s just a feature of being me.

  989. JP Says:

    Also, NAL, so that we can follow your new budding intraoffice romance, we first need to know whether he’s married or single.

    Isn’t 50 Shades about BDSM? I think that throwing a stapler would qualify under the “S” aspect of BDSM, so unless you have decided that he’s “The One”, you may want to consider your actions here.

    Also, is he a direct report? Are you his dotted-line boss? Is he balding?

  990. Wiki-Pig Says:

    Lack of work will just give you something else to be depressed about.

    I think sex is the cure. Even a harassment suit is better than depression: But there are others:

    don black clothing and mask and chase bad guys at night.

    Play the violin badly outside a courthouse till people pay you to stop;

    or write a book: You’re a natural for a new Finnegan’s Wake and then you’d be fetted at NY salons and at lavish parties thrown by your publisher. Would you let me and NAL in?

  991. JP Says:

    Here’s something funny about collapsing law school applications:

    “Now comes word that applications in this admissions cycle appear to be in something like free fall. As of December 7th, they are down 24.6% from the same time last year, while the total number of applicants has declined by 22.4% year over year. These numbers suggest that law schools will have a total of somewhere between 52,000 and 53,000 applicants to choose from in this cycle, i.e., slightly more than half as many as in 2004, when there were 188 ABA accredited law schools (there are 201 at the moment, with an emphasis on “at the moment”).

    To put that number in perspective, law schools admitted 60,400 first year JD students two years ago. Since a significant percentage of applicants are unwilling to consider enrolling at any school below a certain hierarchical level, and/or will decline to enroll at certain other schools without receiving massive discounts on the advertised tuition price, these numbers portend fiscal calamity for more than a few schools. But out of that calamity will come the beginnings of a more rational and just system of legal education for the next generation of lawyers.”

  992. Wiki-Pig Says:

    Out of that calamity will come instead, a disaster.

    Law is so choked with lawyers now, that only rich kids can risk law school tuition; only rich kids can risk not getting a big law job and then waiting out low income years till a practice turns profitable.

    The ABA allowed everyone and their brother to open law schools-even Cornell and ex Mrs. Pig’s law school at USC– not to mention “Thomas Jefferson,” and other marginal places.

    UCLA and others raised their tuition to 40,000 a year a few years ago “because we can,” cheerfully thinking that 165,000 to newbies, and silly document reviews by 165,000 lawyers could go on forever.

    Law schools became detached from reality–hiring professors who had never practiced but who had Poli Sci Phd’s.

    Law Reviews became academic echo chambers with no useful articles at all.

    I see these unemployed kids at age 25 loaded w