6 Sex Tips for a Worst V-Day Ever

Straight from the March 2010 Cosmo, some really terrifically bad things to do in the sack that will lead to your most awkward Valentine’s Day ever.

Testicles handle heat better than most other areas down there, so put a warm washcloth over his boys and gently squeeze him through it.

Ladies, if you go get a wash cloth and put it on his junk, he’s going to spend the rest of the night (and maybe his life) thinking that he isn’t getting clean down there.  Nothing quite like making your guy paranoid that his boys smell.

Wrap a shoelace around the middle of his shaft once, so you have two long ends.  Then while giving oral attention to his tip, pull on the strings, flossing it up and down.  It provides a bit of friction that feels great.

First of all, guys know how crazy girls are.  We see you trying up Mr. Happigrand and we’re going to think you’re about to strangle him because you dreamt we cheated on you and you’re too stupid/crazy to know the difference between real life and a dream.

Also: rug burn.

Ice can be too cold down there, but fruit has just the right amount of coolness to cause a feelgood tingle.  Chew a small piece of mango (but don’t swallow it) then take him in your mouth.  You can use whatever fruit you have, just don’t try anything too acidic, as it can burn him.

Also, don’t try a pear or guava unless you want your guy asking why your mouth is grainy.  As weird as this one is though, it might not be completely horrible.  Just be sure to get out that wash cloth when you’re done.  No one like sticky dick.

Apply a little pressure and gently slide a fine-tooth comb’s teeth along his shaft, pulling it toward his body so you’re not pushing.  The light scratching gets blood circulating throughout his member.

OH HELL NO.  He might have hair, but he ain’t getting combed.  No teeth, of any kind, should make contact at any point, ever.

NO TEETH ON THE PENIS.  K?  Thx.

The patch of skin between his testicles and anus–the perineum–is full of orgasmic potential. [...] The perineum is located on top of his prostate (the male G-spot), so if you press hard enough, you’ll hit that ultra-plreasing area, double the feel-good thrills.

Touch that area and we’ll think you’re going for the ass.  Some guys are into that, but a lot of guys are going to freak out.  Also, if you start pressing around down for the prostate, we’re going to think you’re going for the ass and don’t understand basic anatomy.

And guess what, there’s more:

During oral, stop lavishing his shaft with your tongue, and bring your lips to this pleasure patch.  Purse them together like you’re going in for a kiss, but instead of a smooch, lightly suck on the skin.

Don’t. Suck. The. Taint.  ‘Nuff said.

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5 Responses to “6 Sex Tips for a Worst V-Day Ever”

  1. Bill Says:

    This is all bullshit. Chicks should be instructed to open their mouths and treat our dongs like a banana split.

    Sucking and slurping — good.
    Swallowing — good.
    Spitting –NOT good.
    Chewing — NOT good.

    If they want to take our nuts in their mouth, that’s ok, but gentlly, please.

    If they do a good job, tell em we’ll bone the living daylights out of them in thanks later.

    And if they want us to do anything with their Vags, they’d damn better be squeeky clean. If it smells like a locker room or smelly fish, we are NOT getting any where near that, and will have to use condoms to avoid STANK on us after we leave.

    That should be instruction enough for these chicks.

    Why doesn’t Cosmo just tell it like this?

  2. bl1y Says:

    I generally avoid analogizing my man-parts to anything described as a “split.”

    As for why Cosmo makes up such weird sex tips, I don’t think women are actually going to take the advice, and Cosmo knows it. The magazine is designed to let women live vicariously through the fictitious sex lives of its editors.

  3. Guano Dubango Says:

    BL1Y, have you seen this article?

    As we are hopefully getting properly serviced by our women on this day, we should all think of this poor schumuck.

    He thought he was also getting a hot one–but look what he wound up according to the BBC website:

    http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/middle_east/8508077.stm

    Dubai ‘bearded lady’ marriage off

    An Arab country’s ambassador to Dubai has had his marriage contract annulled after discovering the bride was cross-eyed and had facial hair.

    The woman had worn an Islamic veil, known as the niqab, on the few occasions the couple had met.

    The envoy, who has not been identified, told a Sharia court her mother had tricked him by showing him pictures of the bride’s sister, Gulf News reported.

    He only discovered the deception when he lifted the woman’s veil to kiss her.

    The court had annulled the marriage contract but rejected a $130,000 (£83,000) compensation claim for gifts he had bought his intended, the report said.

  4. bl1y Says:

    That’s pretty hilarious. Don’t they have laser hair removal over there?

  5. http://www.testtest.cm Says:

    test

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