Reason Not to Go to Law School #5

White People.

The problem isn’t the large percentage of white people in law schools, it’s the kind of white people. I don’t know if they start out this way, or if law school some how transforms them, but white people in law school are the epitome of the upper-middle/lower-upper class, socially “aware,” dying-to-be-hipster white people depicted on the popular blog Stuff White People Like.

Law students are breaking the mold a little bit by getting a degree that (according to the plainly false myth) will lead to a financially rewarding and successful career, but they more than make up for by their other ultra-white interests:

Coffee. Pretty obvious, law students need caffeine more than most. This is part of the reason law school girls get so fat. Guys will more often turn to black coffee, or coffee with just a small amount of sugar or cream. Girls go for the ultra grande fat-fat-fat mocha. If they get a house blend from the school, they’ll be sure to add a ton of soy milk, claiming it’s a good fat. But, soy milk has more fat and calories that regular milk, so it’s not that great on your ass.

Religions that their parents don’t belong to. Good luck finding a white person in law school who even has a religion. And, I’m counting Jews as their own ethnic group, distinct from white people.

Diversity. No one will defend Affirmative Action faster than a white law student. But, after having graduated from law school, I can assure you that minorities brought no more diverse or interesting opinions than other people. Still, law school is ultra-PC, so you can’t point that out.

Barack Obama. Don’t you dare think about saying you didn’t vote for Obama to a law student. Law students are more politically correct than most, and you’ll be instantly branded a racist for not supporting him. The only way out is if you say you didn’t vote at all, because you hated Bush III, but couldn’t support Obama because of the misogyny in his campaign and how he wilfully cheated Hillary out of the nomination.

Be doubly careful around white girls. Obama isn’t just a beefy political icon, he’s also a former law professor. Every white law girl has a crush on Obama.

Having black friends. White law students literally flock to black students on the first day of class, hoping to be the kid cool enough to land the black friend. Little do they know that the black law students instantly flock to the other black law students, hoping to not be the one black kid so uncool as to have white friends.

For law school, this really should be modified to “Having black female friends” …because law schools don’t admit black men. No joke. In your next giant, 100+ person lecture, count the number of black women, then count the number of black men.

Awareness. Combine general white guilt induced advocacy with the need for white law students to convince others they really want to use their degree to help others and make a difference and this one’s a no brainer.

Traveling. Law school gives students two times where they have not just the money and free time to travel, but where they are actually expected to travel. The first is between your 2L summer job and the start of 3L fall semester, and the second is after the bar exam (aka: bar trip). If you have a private sector 1L summer job, you’re also expected to travel between that job and your 2L fall. You will quite literally be shunned or scolded by your classmates if you didn’t travel. No one will ask what you’re doing after your last day at your summer job, they will simply ask where you plan to travel to. It’s as though travel is the only legitimate form of celebration or reward.

Being and expert on YOUR culture. Now it’s not just your culture, but the laws of your culture. With the two extra trips mentioned above, expect some super douchy comments. As you probably know, spending two weeks in another country makes white people an expert on its culture.

Veganism/Vegetarianism. Unlike in undergrad, when you might have long swathes of time for frisbee on the quad, law school keeps you at school for a long portion of the day; either in class or reading for the next one. With the aid of lockers, you won’t be running home much. And, since law schools are often somewhat detached from the main campus, they don’t have easy access to the student union, so they tend to have their own cafeteria or cafe.

Freaking vegetarians… They will insist that the school provide them with meat-free options. I don’t mind that they’re available. The problem is that space is limited, and these options will necessarily squeeze out something more delicious. It’s zero-sum and all meats is already pareto-optimal. In the more liberal schools, vegan and vegetarian options can become up to half of what’s available.

Now, technically meat lovers can eat vegetarian fair. But, technically vegetarians can eat meat. They just don’t want to. But you know what? I don’t want to eat a grilled eggplant panini way more than you don’t want to eat meat.

Knowing what’s best for poor people. Just wait until you get to the cases that lead up to Mathews v. Eldridge in your civil procedure class. Didn’t cover that case? That’s because your law school is a joke and your professor, as much as you want to be ravaged by him, is a hack.

Bottles of water. In your next giant lecture class, after you’ve finished counting the number of black people (by the way, keep it on the d-low what you’re doing, or else people will probably get the wrong idea about you), count the people with bottled water. Then, when the class leaves, count the number of bottles either remaining on the desks or on the floor.

Discarded water bottles will out number the black men.

Facebook. When I was in law school, I favored Desktop Tower Defense 1.5, or if I knew I wouldn’t be called on, Doom 2 or Medieval Total War. But, for many law students, Facebook is their go-to way of keeping awake during lectures on topics they don’t care about. (Second choice for female law students, after online shopping.)

But if law students are paying so much for law school, and planning to be lawyers, shouldn’t we expect them to be interested in their classes? No. It’s the very interest in becoming a lawyer that makes these classes so uninteresting. Nothing in your law school classes will pertain to your eventual law firm practice.

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