How to Be a Bigger Tool

Karen Shapiro over at The Legal Intelligencer has just written an article on how to make yourself into an even bigger, more insufferable tool, Stand Out as a Lawyer Through Personal Branding.  Now, I could understand if the article was aimed at attorneys working in solo practice or boutiques, where the attorney and the firm aren’t really distinguishable and branding yourself is part of firm marketing.  But, nope, this article is about branding yourself within the firm to build your reputation with your coworkers.

Once the freshness of starting a new legal job dissipates, some lawyers can experience a sense of malaise that may come in part from feeling like their uniqueness just doesn’t matter. There may be a sense of serving as a mere “cog in the wheel” of legal machinery. While the legal work produced may at times seem rote or somewhat factory-driven, the truth of the matter is lawyers are not simply interchangeable, fungible beings. You are each unique individuals who have something distinct to offer.

Yeah, you’re all special, unique snowflakes.  The doc review you do is distinct and no one else quite does it like you.  What is this shit?

Especially in today’s economy, you will benefit from understanding what makes you distinct and special. Make a list of the ways you contribute something special at work for your superiors, your colleagues, your clients and your prospective clients. Perhaps its your energy, your focus, your creativity or your intellect. In many cases, it’s the blend or unique mix of attributes or endearing quirks that makes a person remarkable in their workplace. Think of interesting combinations of traits you embody or aspire to embody, such as “quiet confidence,” “sophisticated yet fun” or “gentle giant.”

I don’t know who would brand themselves as a gentle giant in the law firm context, but “quiet confidence” or “sophisticated yet fun” basically cover the rest of law firm associates.  “Personality-Deficient Drone” and “Newly Personality-Deficient Drone,” respectively.  So much for the “you are each unique individuals” thing.

The only associates who don’t fit either the “quiet confidence” or “sophisticated yet fun” molds are the drunk slackers, and not only should they not brand themselves as such, they’re just not going to brand themselves at all within their law firm because they realize it’s such douchy, toolish behavior, and completely useless.

But, just to play along, I decided to do a little work on my brand:


He doesn’t have a drinking problem,

He has a life problem.

Yeah…maybe not.  I’ll just stick to the classics.


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8 Responses to “How to Be a Bigger Tool”

  1. Al-D Says:

    Personal branding? Puh-leeze. If a woman wants to stand out, tell her to wear her underwear on top of her skirt.

    That will provide ample opportunity for her to become noticed at the firm.

    If a guy wants to become noticed, he should wear his underwear on his head.

    And I don’t even have a blog to give out such wisdom.

  2. Malk Says:

    Here is the best artcle on the subject. Read it and weep, fellas.

  3. bl1y Says:

    Malk…while that’s a really interesting article, and I’ve read it before, but I’m not quite sure how it relates to personal branding at your law firm…

    And here’s another take on a white woman who prefers black men:

    My last girlfriend told me she almost exclusively dates black guys (she’s a hip-hop dancer). …A really great thing to say if you want to make your white boyfriend paranoid about not measuring up. And then I remembered earlier when she got really excited out over having her first orgasm during intercourse.

  4. Susan G Says:

    I’m guessing the connection relates to the title of the article about big tools, since the 2 black guy’s I’ve dated in law school had sizeable penises.

    The problem is that they just don’t have a clue on how to use what they have right. When will men learn that just getting pounded over and over in/out/in/out can get painful, in addition to being very boring.

    As a result, I have not had sex with any black guys since law school.

    I have to tell you tho that I do not tell guys any more that I used to date 2 black guys, because they start looking funny at me. Whether it is jealousy or what I do not know, but it is not a way to meet men lawyers.

  5. bl1y Says:

    “I used to date 2 black guys” sounds like MMF. Maybe that explains the funny looks.

  6. Henry Says:

    Susan G– guys probably look at you funny because you are publically comparing the black guys you have boned to others. How can you expect people to treat you? Like a novelty because you have screwed some black guys? Not sure that’s something I’d be high-lighting, unless of course, you want to find another black guy.

  7. Answer To The Question Resources Says:

    [...] How to Be a Bigger Tool [...]

  8. ClairFMontoney Says:

    Thanks for finally writing about > bl1y

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