Nuisance Value

Posted in Uncategorized on April 6th, 2011 by bl1y

New post from me over on Constitutional Daily.  Be sure to check it out: Nuisance Value

“Most people would consider leaving with a number to be a victory. Those people don’t talk to enough girls at bars. Getting a number is easy. Girls give out numbers like Scientologists give out stress tests.  The hard part is getting them to answer or call you back. Girls, that is. The hard part with Scientologists is getting them to stop calling you.”

50 Ways to Bore, Irritate, or Confuse a Man

Posted in Uncategorized on April 5th, 2011 by bl1y

This April’s Cosmo has an article featuring 50 Ways to Seduce a Man (In a Minute or Less).  I would have thought “Consent” would be enough, but apparently Cosmo needed to dig deeper:

“We asked Cosmo readers to share, and we must say that you ladies are some wickedly creative vixens. Steal these quickie tricks (a few are from experts too), and let them inspire countless new ones.”

1. I had just bought this new perfume. I gave my guy a whiff, then challenged him to find the patch of my body where I had spritzed it.

Either it’s somewhere fun, in which case we’ll find it in about 2 seconds, or else we don’t care and your game sucks.

2. Ask him to bring you a towel after your shower, so he can see you naked, dripping, and flushed.

By the time he gets the towel, you’re going to be cold and pissed off. Not the way we like to see you. Nice nips though.

3. “You know those treats you used to find at the bottom of a cereal box? One morning, I hid the new finger vibrator I’d just gotten in my guy’s cereal for him to discover.”

And now I have to throw out that entire box of Peanut Butter Pows. Thanks.

4. “My fiancé and I always run together, and one time on a quiet path, I told him to stop so I could tie my shoe. But when I kneeled down, I started giving him oral instead.”

And at what point did you realize how much of a sweat he had worked up from running?

5. Send him a naughty, fill-in-the-blank e-mail: “Tonight, I promise to _____ your ______ as soon as you walk in the door. Then I’ll give you a ______ for ______ minutes…” You see where we’re going with this, right?”

Cook … dinner.  Bit of peace and quiet … 150.

6. “Wearing a tight tank and no bra, I jumped on the bed in front of my guy.”

Hold on.  …Fill-in-the-blank?

That’s what she said.

7. Wake him up in the morning by sucking on his fingers as if it’s his penis.

What a wonderful way to get fish-hooked as your man is startled awake.

8. When he’s on his way home from work, start giving yourself some solo pleasure and “accidentally” dial him up. All those breathy ooohs and ahhhs will be motivation for him to get to you in time to join in on the action.

Just what we need more of, distracted guys on their cell phones speeding through traffic.

9. “I live on the fifth floor of a building, and one night, I wore a short skirt and lacy underwear, and then I walked up the stairs ahead of my guy. He practically tackled me by the time we got to my apartment.”

Fifth floor walkup? Sounds like you live in New York City, which means you were probably on the subway earlier.  Those have a lot of stairs, right? …Slut.

10. Make your evening snack a Popsicle, and tease and lick it right in front of him.

You’re going to tease the Popsicle? …I don’t think that’s how it works.

11. Steal his phone, and quickly snap a pic of your cleavage or the inside of your thigh. When you see his jaw drop, you’ll know he’s stumbled upon it.

Go ahead and forward it to all of his friends to save him the trouble.

12. Reach under the table at dinner and lightly outline the shape of his package, looking him dead in the eye the whole time.

If you don’t feel an erection, it’s because you’re staring him dead in the eye while sitting close enough to grab his crotch. That’s just creepy.

13. “I asked a guy to unzip me out of this little black dress. When he did, I let it drop to the ground to reveal I was wearing absolutely nothing underneath.”

Oh. Get naked. Clever girl.

14. Out at a noisy, crowded bar? Motion for him to come close so you can tell him something. Instead, send chills down his spine by licking his ear and blowing warm breath on the same spot.

Out at a noisy, crowded bar? Accept that you don’t always have to be the center of attention and let him have some fun with his friends for once.

15. “Before the guy I was hooking up with came over, I stripped the duvet and fluffy pillows off my bed and put together a makeshift bed on the floor of my den. When he arrived, I was lying in it, totally naked.”

Sex on the floor, it’s like sex in bed, but your back hurts the next day.

16. If you get up to go to the bathroom in the middle of the night, strip off all your clothes before sliding back into bed. There’s a good chance you’ll wake up to him pawing at you.

Make sure you wipe really, really good.

17. “I got caught in a rainstorm on my way home. A block before my place, I took off my coat so my white tee would be soaked. My boyfriend was very happy to see me.”

Bullshit. If you got “caught” in a rainstorm, it was probably summer, since that’s when most pop-up rainstorms happen. But, in the summer you wouldn’t be going around with a coat in the first place, unless you were prepared for rain, in which case you wouldn’t have been “caught” in it.

18. Take the sexy-girl-next-door fantasy to a whole new level by meeting him at the front door wearing nothing but a pair of pigtails and his favorite baseball hat.

That’s not a whole new level. That’s the original level. What did you think the sexy-girl-next door fantasy was?

19. Slip an X-rated doodle – like a couple getting it on doggie-style – into his coat pocket. To make your intentions crystal clear, title it “What I Can’t Wait to Do Tonight.”

Hold on …Take the sexy-girl-next-door?

That’s what she said.

20. My boyfriend goes crazy over this one thong I have. Occasionally, I’ll wear low riding pants and let it peek out.

Fail whale. Not sexy.

21. “One morning, I served my guy breakfast in bed, but told him he would only eat it off my body.”

I really hope you’re French. And not Irish.

22. When you come back from the gym, walk right up to him and say, “The whole time I was on the treadmill, all I was thinking about was how much I wanted to go down on you.”

What you just told your guy is that if he can convince you that you need to lose weight, he’ll get more blowjobs. “Yes, those pants do make your ass look fat, honey. Maybe spend more time on the treadmill?”

23. “I switched out our usual opaque shower curtain for a clear one. My guy walked in to find me soaping up my boobs and grinning at him. He hopped right in.”

He walked in to find you grinning at him? How exactly does that work? Do you just stare at the door smiling, soaping up your boobs, hoping he’ll walk in? That’s really weird.

[In short sidebar there are some tips for guys: “If the bathroom door is closed, it’s for a reason. Even if the water is running, puh-lease do not surprise us in the shower.”]

24. Scoop an ice cube out of his drink, and drop it down your blouse… then lean back and tell him to find it.

Get your dirty, don’t-know-where-they’ve-been fingers out of our drinks.

25. “My boyfriend and I were waiting in this crazy-long line at the DMV. To kill time, we started playing hangman. The phrase I had in mind was “I’m horny.” When he finally figured it out, we got the hell out of there.”

Which one of you made the other suffer through waiting in line at the DMV? Either way, that relationship needs to end.

26. Strip off your work clothes, but leave on your high heels as you walk around the room, tidying up, taking off your jewelry, making him drool, etc.

Right, the take off your clothes thing again. Glad it’s in here twice, wouldn’t want to forget.

27. “On our way home from visiting his parents, I told my boyfriend to plug an address into the GPS. He kept asking me where we were going, so finally I told him it was the location of a sex-toy store. Knowing that I had planned this in advance – and had been sitting at his parents’ place thinking about it for hours – totally turned him on.”

“You know what I was thinking about the whole time I was talking to your dad? Doing it.”

28. Hand-wash your tiniest lingerie, and hand it up around your house to dry… and drive him wild with lust.

Unless your guy is still in middle school, laundry is just laundry. It’s what’s inside that turns us on. So please, just clean up your damn mess.

29. Hide your turned-on vibrator in his sock drawer. When he figures out where the buzzing is coming from, tell him he gets to experience its pleasure power.

Um… what?  …No. We’ll pass, thanks. Really. Just …don’t.

30. “I asked my husband to grab something out of my purse, knowing he would find the dirty book – and especially hot scene that I’d dog-eared – stashed in there.”

Ever notice that men buy a ton of porn, but never dirty books? Yeah, he didn’t read that scene you marked. Imagine you found a pack of Topps baseball cards in his sock drawer. How turned on are you now? Same thing.

31. “Once, I snuck into the dressing room at a store with my guy, threw him up against the wall, and kissed him. We went home and had sex immediately.”

So… now he has to go out shopping with you again?

32. Slip into one of his oversize button-downs – and nothing else – before snuggling on the couch with him. Lie on your side with your head pointing away from him, so that when he looks over, he catches an up-shirt view of, well, everything.

Button-down actually refers to the type of collar, one with buttons, as opposed to a point collar. What you mean is a button-up shirt.

33. “My friends and I signed up for a pole-dancing class. I told my boyfriend I was just going out for drinks with the girls, and when I came home, I revealed where I had really been and showed him the sexy routine they’d taught us.”

So, when you signed up for the class, you already had the pole installed at home to demonstrate the routine on?

34. After a workout, come home and peel off your clothes in front of him.

See, #13 and #26 had given me the impression that you can only strip off little black dresses or work clothes. Thanks for clarifying, but perhaps the May issue could include a comprehensive list of clothes that are capable of being removed.

35. “The guy I was dating was writing a midterm paper. When he got up from his laptop, I inserted the words Let’s bleep. He met me in the bedroom ASAP.

Two words: Track changes.

36. While you’re out running mundane errands together, graze your butt past his package discreetly but very purposefully.

Then laugh at him as he pops a woody in public and tries to hide it.

37. “I’m really forward when I’m in the mood, and I’m known to just grab my guy’s hand, place it between my legs, and him a look. He loves how bold I am.”

How exactly do you become “known” for that?

38. “Drop” your purse by his feet in the middle of a crowded store. When you stand up from retrieving it, run your fingers the whole way up his leg and over his crotch.

And since it’s a crowded store, you know, as you get up… make sure he hasn’t moved and it’s not someone else standing there now.

39. “I usually start off my day with five or ten minutes of yoga. Sometimes, I do it naked, so my guy wakes up to find me in some compromising positions.”

Seriously? Have you not noticed how flattering yoga pants are? And without the creepy naked exercise factor.

40. Sit on his lap at a party. Then, subtly shift your weight back and forth over his package until he’s good and riled up. No one will know but the two of you.

…And everybody else.

41. Label areas of the house where you two have never gotten busy with creative titles like The Doggie-Style Den or The Oral Corner. Tell him the goal for the night is to move from station to station until the whole place is christened.

The Gay-For-Pay Garage, The Blumpkin Bathroom, The Finish First And Fall Asleep Before You’re Done Bedroom.

42. “I came to bed holding a wooden spatula in my hand. When my guy asked what the hell I was doing, I told him that I had been a bad girl and needed a spanking. I thought his eyes were going to bulge out of his head.”

They make wooden spatulas? What for?

I mean, other than this, what do you need a wooden one for instead of rubber?

43. “My fiancé and I trade off cleaning duties every month. When it was my turn, I put on a slutty maid costume, walked in front of him, bent over, and started dusting.”

But if we call it a slutty maid costume, ohhh, now we’re being sexist. That is such an unfair double standard.

44. Send him a naughty sext when you’re sitting right next to each other in a movie theater or when you’re out to dinner with friends.

Because nothing is sexier than being rude to the people around you. The people behind you in the theater can see the light from your cell phone, and it’s very distracting.

45. Stare longingly at his package for a few seconds.

It might just have one eye, but this is a staring contest you cannot win.

46. “I always tell my boyfriend that if I had a stripper song, it would be ‘Pour Some Sugar on Me.’ Every now and then, I’ll make sure it’s playing when he comes home. It’s like our personal sex signal, and he knows he’s in for a good night whenever that happens.”

You “always” tell him that? How many times has this come up?

47. Walk up to him, slap a pair of handcuffs on his wrists, and tell him he’s your sex slave for the night.

Just for the night? That’s more like sex indentured servitude.

48. Pull your underwear aside, and tell him you want him inside you, like, yesterday.

What you want him to hear is that you really want him inside you right this moment. What he’s going to hear is that you want him inside you like he was inside you yesterday.

If you didn’t have sex with him yesterday, start looking for a new boyfriend.

49. Orchestrate your own private peep show: Ask your guy to come around to your side of the car to help you out. When he does, have your dress or skirt hiked way up so that when you step out, he sees that you are most definitely going commando for the evening.

What would be even sexier is a basic understanding of spatial relations and geometry.

50. “On my husband’s birthday last year, I made him a cake and wrote ‘Happy Birthday! Do anything you want to me tonight’ in bright pink frosting.

We kinda already take birthday sex as a given, so you know that doesn’t count as your gift, right?

51 Thrilling Ways to Seduce Your Man

Posted in Uncategorized on March 9th, 2011 by bl1y

That’s right, it’s time for another look at stupid advice given by Cosmo.

First thing to do, is head over to Constitutional Daily and read my new piece: Department of Law and Motor Vehicles

As for the other 50 things, I do have a new Cosmo to tear into.  I’ll try to get to it soon.

Blind Drunk Justice, 2.2

Posted in Uncategorized on March 4th, 2011 by bl1y

Blind Drunk Justice Season 2, Episode 2 is now live over on Constitutional Daily.

Blind Drunk Revival

Posted in Uncategorized on March 1st, 2011 by bl1y

In case you missed it, Blind Drunk Justice Season 2 – Episode 1 is now available at Con Daily.

Constitutional Daily is Go

Posted in Uncategorized on February 25th, 2011 by bl1y

New site.

Check it out.

‘Nuff said.

Constitutional Daily

Where’s Billy?

Posted in Uncategorized on February 20th, 2011 by bl1y

Some of you may have noticed that my posting has slowed down considerably over the last few weeks.

You may have assumed that this could only mean that I’ve been spending my time assembling the greatest team of writers the legal webosphere has ever known in preparation for launching a new website.

And you would be right.

As Gandalf said, “Look for my coming on the fifth day, at first light, look to the East.”

No HoMo

Posted in Uncategorized on February 11th, 2011 by bl1y

What better way to kick off the weekend than with two very controversial ideas about how the revolution in Egypt should go.

First, a disorderly, violent overthrow may be for the best.

In the American Revolution, we lost 25,000 soldiers and had another 25,000 injured.  This was probably one of the best investments of blood that the world has ever known.  So, it’s hard to see why the world considers it absolutely imperative that no one be hurt in the Egyptian revolution.  It’s “Live Free or Die,” not “Live Free or Sulk.”

More importantly though, violent revolutions may be stick better.  When something costs us a lot, we value it more.  If you revolution has a high price, it stands to reason that you will be less likely to let the freedoms you have won slip away.  And isn’t that what the US and Israel are worried about?  That a secular autocrat will be replaced with a radical Islamist autocrat.

“This isn’t what we fought and died for” is a lot more inspiring than “This isn’t what we petitioned for.”

Of course, maybe the victims the revolution has already seen will be enough.  There’s not likely good studies on how many people have to die to make a revolution stick.  My point is only that peace and order should not be the priorities in a revolution.  Revolution should be the priority.

Second controversial claim, the Muslim Brotherhood should have a presence in the new government.

Right, I know, that’s what everyone is afraid of.  But which scares you more, the thought of radical Islamists being marginalized by their society, brooding out of the public eye, and without a legitimate forum to express their views, or radical Islamists sitting in a committee meeting with representatives of other political groups discussing the price of wheat and transportation funds?

People are far more dangerous when they do not feel that their concerns are being listened to.  This is what drives people to “want their day in court.”  Even if you don’t get the result that you want, people derive a huge psychic value from knowing that others are at least listening.  Much better to funnel radicals into legitimate government processes than to exclude them from it.

Reasons to Go to Law School, #13-14

Posted in Reasons Not to Go to Law School on February 8th, 2011 by bl1y

Time once again to play Two Good Reason to Go to Law School. The rules are simple. You need two reasons, and they need to be good.

I have a friend who is attending law school part-time, while working full-time for a defense contractor.  It will take 4 years to get through the program, but as I understand, it is cheaper/per year, plus there are less lost opportunity costs.  This seems like it could be an actual reason to attend, if you can handle it.  Also, what if you can get a scholarship, or even your employer to pay for the part-time program?  I don’t know if either of these are possible, but what would you say to a part-time law program, while working full time, on a full tuition scholarship?

Thought of this while drunkenly passing out after the Super Bowl,

“Ben”

Ben’s friend attends Georgetown University Law Center,

US News #20, $25522.50/yr, $1630.00/cr

There’s no logic like drunk logic.

1. Part Time Programs are Cheaper

In terms of tuition, they’re not any cheaper. At Georgetown, the price per credit hour for part time students gives you the same price as full time students over all. You’re just spreading out the tuition over four years instead of three.  Also, if you want to go over the minimum number of hours, you’re out an extra $1630 per hour. Full time students can go a few hours over the minimum with no penalty.

But, as you point out, a lot of the cost is opportunity cost. Part time programs allow you to work while in school, drastically cutting down the price of attendance.

Trouble is that for most students, law school takes up more time than a full time job.  You’re in class 13-15 hours a week, sometimes with more than 5 hours in a single day.  Then there’s all the time you spend reading for class, going to study groups, research and writing projects, studying for exams, and the actual exams themselves. And travel to get to class.

By doing a part time program over 4 years, you’re only decreasing your yearly workload by 25%.  That decrease will not offset the 40 hours a week you’re working.  So, long story short, you might not spend as much money during those four years (you’ll probably actually put some in the bank), but the level of hell that law school is will be so much more.

Law school is, for many people, the last chance to dick around and have some fun before starting the indentured servitude that will last until their death.  Spending that time working for a defense contractor is insane.

Also, employers tend to not be fans of part time students, having a full time will cut you off from the normal hiring channels (summer jobs), and firms will doubt your commitment to legal practice, and they know it’s harder to squeeze 80 hours a week out of someone who isn’t committed.

There’s one final, really killer problem with this reason. Regular readers may have already guessed it, but it applies to your second (albeit hypothetical) reason as well, so I’ll wait.

2. You Could Also Get a Scholarship

Okay, so the idea here is that with a job and a scholarship, the costs of law school are more or less nothing. No tuition, no opportunity costs, and no racking up debt on living expenses.  But, there are always other costs.  Let’s call them blood, sweat, and tears.  Sweat not just from the work you have to put in, but the stink you’ll smell from the guy next to you in Contracts who spends so much time studying that he doesn’t find time to shower. And, as a part time student, you’re going to have a lot of foreign classmates, so the chance of a foul smell is much greater.  And tears, of course, from the smell. And blood, after you slit your wrists.

Seriously though, law school is still a lot of work, and you have to consider the cost in time, stress, frustration, and terror, not only the monetary costs.

But more importantly, these are not reasons to go. Reducing the costs simply lowers the threshold of how good you reasons need to be.  A $100,000 expense requires really good reasons, while a $1000 expense doesn’t need quite so much.

Imagine I offered to pay your entry fee and travel expenses for you to travel to Greece and run in the Spartathlon.  Your expenses are zero!  Well, the fact that it will cost you nothing is not a reason to run a 153 mile race.  You still need an independent reason to run it.

You could want to go for the glory of having completed one of he most daunting feats mankind has dreamed up. And then we could debate the merits of that reason. It’s really impressive, but no one even knows what a Spartathlon is, so there’s less glory that you may think…

Law school needs real reasons to go, and lower hurdles getting in are not reasons.

The Problem With Enterprise

Posted in Uncategorized on February 1st, 2011 by bl1y

Gonna try to keep this short, which will be a miracle based on how much I’ve written about LotR and Harry Potter.

First, let me admit I’ve only watched a few episodes of Enterprise.  Now, when most people admit to having watched a few episodes, they’re confessing to having seen too many.  I’m saying that my opinion is informed by only a handful of episodes.

That out of the way, onto the meat of it.

Enterprise is the prequel to the original Star Trek series.  It’s supposed to be set at an earlier time when Earth and the Federation are not the powerhouse force in the universe like they are in the other series.  Nothing wrong with a prequel, especially since there wasn’t much direction for the series to go forward after the Q plot line in The Next Generation.

The problem with Enterprise is that mankind isn’t in a developmental phase, what you’d expect from a prequel.  It’s basically just a Star Trek re-imagining.  You don’t see the humans struggling with inferior technology, dealing with the political implications of space travel, or any of the stuff that would make for a good underdog story.  And that’s really what the humans should be in a prequel.  We know from First Contact that when humans develop the warp drive, other civilizations are far beyond them, like the Vulcans and Romulans.

We’ve already seen a powerful Starfleet vessel tromping through the galaxy. Not that this is a bad concept for a show, it’s just that it’s been done.  Part of what made StarGate so appealing was that humans were using bullets to fight aliens with energy weapons.  The clash of technologies matched the clash of ideologies and made the whole thing more engaging.  Battlestar Galactica just wouldn’t have worked if it wasn’t a story of humans on the run from a more powerful aggressor.  …Though, that’s also for plot reasons.

Anyways, the problem with Enterprise is that the story doesn’t really bring anything new.  Deep Space Nine at least tried the space station angle, which forced a different type of story.  A worse type, but at least they tried.