21 Questions (Plus 54 Questions)

Posted in Uncategorized on November 7th, 2010 by bl1y

As some of my long term readers know, I read Cosmo.  Frankly, it’s some of the most inadvertently hilarious literature out there.  And also, I rub the perfume samples on my extra pillow and pretend like I have a girlfriend who just left for work (my imaginary girl is the breadwinner in this relationship, my fantasies don’t fool around).

In the December 2010 issue…wait…what?  Yes.  December.  Get a calender, Cosmo!  What do you think you are, an auto manufacturer?  Anyways, in the December issue there is a list of answers to 75 common questions girls want to know about guys, each answered with 20 words or less.

For shits and giggles, I’ve decided to tackle the same questions.  I won’t provide Cosmo’s answers, because frankly, I don’t really want to type that stuff, though usually their short answers tend to be pretty decent, batting around .600.

1. Do guys notice if you put on 5 or 10 pounds?

Yes, and 5 pounds to you is 15 to your bathroom scale. Stop lying.

2. Why doesn’t my guy care if I drool over Usher?

Who the fuck is Usher?

3. What are guys most insecure about in bed?

The dude who was just there before us.

4. Is it a bad sign if a guy doesn’t insist on paying for the first date?

Gray’s Papaya and dollar beers and he’s still not paying? Dump that loser.

5. When I tell a guy “Nothing’s wrong. I’m fine,” does he actually believe me?

No. You’re a woman, something’s always wrong. And you’re a shitty liar.

6. How does he want me to apologize to him after I screw up?

By not screwing up again. Actual remorse. Dig it. Also, a blow job never hurt anything.

7. How can I get my boyfriend to warm up to my best male friend?

Introduce us to his girlfriend.

8. My husband doesn’t have a lot of close friends anymore. Should I be worried?

Yes. It’s a sign that you’re a cold bitch and they can’t stand to be around you.

9. When do guys view a relationship as serious?

When we think it’d be too much hassle to get someone else, or just can’t do any better.

10. Why does my guy get defensive when I tell him he hurt my feelings?

Look, you asked if he could tell if you put on 5 or 10 pounds. That’s your fault.

11. Do guys with small penises know they have small penises.

Yes.  I mean, no.

12. What can I say to make a less-endowed guy know I’m okay with it?

“Let me pay for dinner this time.”

13. Why does my man refuse to watch my shows because they’re “girlie” even though I sit through South Park with him?

Matt and Trey are comic geniuses. Desperate Housewives and Gossip Girl are trash.

14. What screams high-maintenance to a guy when you first meet him?

He’s buying you both a drink, and you order from a higher shelf than he does.

15. My boyfriend always calls me when he’s at the store to ask if I need anything. At what point is it okay to request tampons?

When you plan to stick them in the neighbor’s lawn as a couple’s Halloween activity.

16. If a girl is too crazy in bed, does that make her not LTR material?

You have one too many negatives in there.

17. When my boyfriend invites me out with his friends, how do I know if he wants me to come or if he’s just being nice?

Are you a bitch to his friends? He’s just being polite.

18. How can I get my husband to stop bringing his laptop to bed?

Accept a lower standard of living when he gets laid off.

19. How can I tell a guy he uses too much gel?

“Hey Ross. Didn’t they cancel Friends?”

20. Do guys think it’s funny and laid-back or just gross if you burp in front of them?

TRY HARD.

21. Does it turn guys off it you make the first move?

No.

22. How come men never get distracted by things like their to-do list during sex?

We’re too busy thinking about your best friend.

23. At what point in a relationship do I have to tell a guy I’ve cheated in the past?

When you cheat on the new guy, too.

24. Why can’t guys ever tell when you get a haircut?

We can’t even tell when we get a new haircut.

25. Then why does he notice if my shoulder strap moves an inch to the left?

Because we’d notice if our own shoulder strap moved.

26. Why does he purposely let his hair grow out when I ask him to get a haircut?

Stop trying to control me!

27. Why does he eat like an animal on dates?

Being on top takes a lot of energy, …not like you’d ever bother to find out.

28. After the first hookup, what does a dude tell his buddies about it?

“Hey buddies, I hooked up.”

29. What about after they’ve been dating a woman for a while–what do guys tell their friends about their sex life then?

“Hey buddies, what game’s on?”

30. Why do men hate throw pillows so freakin’ much?

They’re in my spot.

31. I hate spending time with my family, but he’s close to his. Can I say no when he invites me to hang out with them?

Is your family also his family?

32. Why doesn’t he defend me when one of his friends is rude to me?

We believe in justice, and you were in the wrong.

33. My man never wants to cuddle. Should I be worried?

Look, for real, being on top takes a lot of energy. We’re tired. Leave us alone.

34. What goes through a man’s head when he sees you naked for the first time?

“Okay, now I definitely know I’m getting laid.”

35. My guy loves when I walk around in his shirt after sex. Why?

Now that’s your laundry to clean.

36. Why does he pretend nothing happened after he has a serious mood swing?

Because it was just a mood swing. By definition, nothing happened.

37. He’s usually outgoing but with my work friends, he clams up. Why?

Your work friends are lame, stop making us hang out with them.

38. Why do guys never seem to remember anniversaries or birthdays?

Cost control.

39. I know guys think about other women during sex. Who do they think about?

Your hot friend, or you 10 pounds ago.

40. When a guy has had an orgasm–and his partner hasn’t–why doesn’t he offer to help her get there too?

We got one of us off, you get the other.

41. Why is it so much easier for guys to hook up without getting attached?

Your bitchy attitude.

42. Why do guys seem to need nights alone so much more often than women do?

Affairs.

43. Why can’t men be more subtle about looking at boobs?

You can’t wear a push-up bra and complain about a lack of subtlety.

44. To whom do guys go for advice when they’re upset about something in their relationship?

Jack Daniel’s.

45. Why can’t guys tell sexy clothes from slutty ones?

Same reason we can’t tell Times from Courier. Different font, but the same text.

46. One of my guy friends just moved in with his girlfriend but told me he can’t see himself marrying her. Why would a man do that?

Because his girlfriend refuses to clean his apartment for him.

47. How do you know if a guy is over a bad breakup?

The empty condom wrapper in his bathroom trash can.

48. My guy never takes me on dates anymore. How can I get him to start again?

Pay.

49. What’s a simple thing I can say to nip his jealousy in the bud?

“My friend Sarah really likes you.”

50. My boyfriend says I’m overreacting when I tell him his female friend is into him. Can guys really not recognize shameless flirting?

He already tried to hit it and failed. She’s not into him.

51. Guys say they like no makeup then tell you that you look pretty when you wear it. Why?

We’re just a squirrel trying to get a nut.

52. I gave my boyfriend a tee shirt, but then he got all weird about it. Why?

It was purple with a deep V.

53. Why do men get so whiny about going to weddings, even if they always have fun at them?

Your friends always only have a cash bar.

54. Why does my boyfriend freeze up whenever I try to have a serious talk with him?

Great, what did we not having anything to do with but will be blamed for this time?

55. If I don’t get along with my boyfriend’s friends, does that mean he’ll think our relationship won’t last?

His friends are cool people and get along with other cool people easily. You do the math.

56. When I try a new move in bed, how can I tell if my guy likes it?

“Oh…shit.  Sorry.”

57. Occassionally, my guy cries in front of me when he’s really upset. How is he hoping I’ll react?

Jack Daniel’s and two shot glasses.

58. Why would a guy feel the need to rush through foreplay even if he’s had sex with you tons of times?

Some reason we skip commercials with DVR even if we’ve seen the episode already.

59. How can I get a guy’s attention at a bar without outright hitting on him?

“Hi, I’m [your name here].”

60. My husband refuses to buy himself a new razor–even when his gets really gross–but loves it when I get one for him. Why won’t he just replace it himself?

Just trying to get back some of that money he spent on you when you were dating.

61. Why does my boyfriend never need a blanket at night when I’m completely freezing?

You have a cold heart and no fire in your belly.

62. Guys get so upset when their team loses. What should I say?

“That really sucks for..oh, what’s his name, you know, the player on the team you know personally?”

63. Why does my man call when he has nothing to say?

We’re bored and like the easy brownie points.

64. What’s the best way to cheer up a guy who’s having a bad day?

Jack Daniel’s, one shot glass, and your ass out the door.

65. What can I do to prompt him to make the first move?

Mash the front of your face against the front of his face.

66. Why do even nonplayers use cheesy pickup lines on girls?

First you complain that we don’t make the first move, now you complain when we do? Christ Almighty.

67. My guy does romantic things, so why does he roll his eyes when he sees a guy do something similar on TV?

He has a real world budget and is working without a team of writers.

68. What do guys look for when they stalk your online dating profile?

Whether you pictures are outdated, or trying to hide an extra 20 pounds. Also, spank bank material.

69. Why do guys always want us to send them naked pictures? Isn’t that what porn is for?

While we’re at it, why does he want to have sex with you? Isn’t that what hookers are for?

70. How come he tells me he can’t hang out then texts me all night?

He wants to interact without dealing with that tone you get.

71. Why would he rather send me 25 texts about something than have a simple two-minute conversation?

If you think you can really limit it to two minutes, we’re game.

72. What’s the reason why don’t men like making long-term plans, whether it’s a vacation or an anniversary?

Stop trying to spend our money before we’ve even earned it.

73. Why do guys turn into such babies when they get sick–even if it’s just something like a cold?

Unlike you, if we’re sick, it’s not just a cold. If we’re sick, it’s the plague.

74. Why would a guy rather stay home and manage his fantasy sports league instead of going on a date?

Even Brett Favre doesn’t have as many problems as you do.

75. What’s the one thing men want to hear after sex?

Want me to do the laundry and get you a burrito?

Want more?  Then check out these awesome articles:

What She Really Means When She Says “Loser”

and

13 Sex Tips to Drive Him Away

http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1807094
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Cosmo Bats .426 on Man Code

Posted in Uncategorized on May 17th, 2010 by bl1y

The June issue of Cosmo features a five page spread with “101 Things About Men,” including a 13 Item Man Code:

Male Cosmo staffers recently admitted that there are unspoken rules all dudes live by to maintain their masculinity.  We got them to spill.

Really?  This is news to some women?

You must be within 50 feet of a swimming pool in order to drink a frozen cocktail.

False.  There are two rules for when you may drink a frozen cocktail.  First, you can drink it if you’re at a bar with deep discounts on their frozen drinks, and so it’s an economical choice (or, in the same spirit, if you’re at someone’s home and it’s the only liquor choice available).  Second, you can always drink a frozen cocktail if you generally drink like a horse and can legitimately tell people to shut the frack up about your drink selection.  If you can out drink a Dublin native, you can drink whatever you want.

If your man bag is too small to hold cleats and a baseball glove, it is a purse, and you may not carry it.

False.  If it is called a “man bag,” you may not carry it.  A messenger bag designed to carry your laptop and with a strap that goes across your body is acceptable.  A bag carried on the same side as the shoulder supporting it is never okay.

You shouldn’t deny that you look at porn, because no woman will believe you.  However, you should lie about how often you do it, because any woman would be horrified.

True.  You should also lie about what you watch.  Say you only watch amateur stuff if you’re dating a liberal chick.  Never admit to liking bukake.

You may not pay more than one-third of what your girlfriend pays for a haircut.

False.  You may get whatever hair cut you like from whoever you like for whatever price you agree upon.  You may not allow your girlfriend’s hair style to dictate your own.

You can ask a friend if his meal or drink is good.  You cannot ask for a bite or a sip.

True.  But, if you are ordering an usual (and expensive) beer, and someone asks how it is, you should offer a sip.  But, you never get to ask for one.

You must carry cash at all times, but you may never pay with loose change.

False.  Nothing wrong with exact change, so long as you pay fast enough to not hold up the line behind you.

When having your photograph taken, you are not allowed to have a “good side.”

True.

You may never ask a buddy, “What are you thinking?”…unless you’re referring to the fast-food menu at which you’re both gazing.

Over-simplified, but on the right track.  “What are you thinking?” may only refer to preferences for eating, boozing, movies, etc.

If you friend’s wife asks you probing questions about him, you may not provide her with any information about his romantic part, his current location, or what he did last night.  That way, he will do the same for you.

True.

The only three things it’s okay to ask another man to hold for you: the other end of a sheet of drywall, your keys if he’s your designated driver, and your jacket if you are about to get into a fistfight.

True.  You may not ask another guy to hold your drink at a bar, though you may ask him to watch it if you set it down.  If there is no convenient place to set it, you should finish your drink before going to smoke, pee, whatever.  If you ask him to hold it and he finished his drink before you return, he may drink yours.

When riding in the backseat with two other people, you may sit on either side but never on the “hump.”

Anyone know what the hump is?  I assume they mean the raised part on the floor that some cars have, in which case this refers to where your legs go, not where you’re sitting.  If you’re forced to ride bitch, you’re allowed to sit wherever is most comfortable and least invasive to the other passengers.

You must accept at least 50 percent of all dares posed to you by friends.

False.  You ought to accept 0 percent of all dares posed to you by friends, because your friends are assholes who only suggest things they know will end badly for you.

There shall always be at least one unoccupied urinal between you and all other urinal users.  This rule may be violated only if the next inning is about to start.

Partly true, and entirely false.  The rule for urinal placement is more complicated.  Yes, there will always be a buffer urinal, but that’s not all.  If you have 5 urinals in a row, numbered 1-5 from left to right, the order they should be occupied is: (1) 1 or 5, (2) whichever of 1 or 5 is not occupied, (3) 3, (4) wait.

There is no exception for baseball games about to resume play.  It’s freaking baseball.  You know what happens if you miss two minutes of baseball?  You become a better person.

And, there are a few rules that didn’t make it onto the list:

To call shotgun you must be in sight of the thing you are calling shotgun on.

When calling dibs on a girl (ie: who gets to hit on her), your privilege will expire if you do not make a move in a reasonable period of time.  You may not call dibs on more than one girl with respect to the same guy (however, you may have priority on Girl 1 over Guy A, and priority on Girl 2 on Guy B, useful for when Guys A and B are in two different social circles).

You must wing.  If your buddy is talking with a girl, act as if he’s the most intelligent, hilarious guy ever, never disagree with him, keep her ugly friend occupied, and help them break off from the rest of the group.  If he says the two of them are going to head somewhere else and asks if you’re interested, you’re not, even if you are, unless the girl then appears to be reconsidering the plans, in which case you should go.

The person in the passenger seat must take orders from the driver, such as changing the radio or fiddling with the GPS.

You must not let your buddy’s girlfriend push you around.  He’s allowed to be whipped, but he needs you to be strong so he can at least maintain vicarious masculinity.

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What His Texts REALLY Really Mean

Posted in Dumb Ideas Girls Have on February 14th, 2010 by bl1y

Another gem from this month’s Cosmo magazine.  This one is a guide to translating texts that guys send.  Somehow this article (and the entire text has been reproduced here) was too big a task for just the writer, Korrin Miller.  The magazine cites four other people as sources: Debra Goldstein and Olivia Baniuszewicz, coauthors of Flirtexting, Kristina Grish, author of The Joy of Text, and Les Parrott, coauthor of L.O.V.E. Yet, all of these braniacs combined were incapable of deciphering SMS one liners, so I’ve added comments giving the real translation along with the correct responses.

His Go-to Texts: A few words that communicate nada but make you feel obligated to respond.  Common examples: “hey,” “what’s up?” “talk to me.”

Translation: This guy wants you to know he is thinking about you and is craving reassurance that he’s on your mind too.

Your Move: His ego needs a little stroking, so try “what’s up, sexy?” to boost his mojo while matching his mellow approach.

Real Meaning: If he’s asking you “what’s up?” it generally means he wants to make plans and are asking if you’re free.  The other messages, like “hey” or “talk to me” mean “I’m needy! Pay attention to me!”

Your Better Move: If he’s an attention whore through texts, dump him.  You don’t want to get stuck with a guy who needs constant validation.  The last thing you want to do is reinforce this behavior.

His Go-to Texts: Loaded question like “what are you up to tonight?” and “you made plans with the girls this weekend, right?”

Translation: He wants to feel out your response before putting his neck on the line.

Your Move: Play cow.  Try “what do you have in mind?” to make him tell you what he wants.

Real Meaning: He’s asking to spend time with you, but doing so in stages.  This isn’t to protect his neck though.  It’s because he’s on a fact-finding mission.  If he asks “Do you want to see Avatar tonight?” and you say no, he doesn’t know if it’s because you have plans, don’t want to hang out with him at all, or just don’t want to see a lame Pocahontas knockoff.  Asking the question in stages lets him get a more detailed response.

Your Better Move: Answer the questions in a way that is unambiguous.  “I have plans, maybe another time?” “Already saw Avatar, something else?” and “I’m not interested in you, sorry,” are good responses.  The more information you exchange the better.

His Go-to Texts: A string of characters that are even more maddening because you can almost figure them out.  Along the lines of “last nit u tuk itt 2 krzy” or “: \ ?”

Translation: He feels like the two of you can practically read each other’s mind, which is why he doesn’t translate his thoughts into English.

Your Move: Let him know you are still on the same wavelength (but have no clue what that meant) with a flirty “are you texting drunk again?” Call me. xo.”

Real Meaning: There are three possibilities on this one.  The first is obvious, that he’s drunk and just can’t form a coherent text.  The second is that he’s retarded and his sober language skills are that bad.

The third possibility is kind of interesting.  The guy will have only recently met you, maybe gone out once or twice, but there isn’t a strong line of communication between you.  A non-sense (or blank) text is basically a ping, so see if anything comes back.  If you’re not at all interested, we know you won’t reply at all.  And we know you might not reply to something dull like “hey.”  But non-sense text tends to get a girl’s attention more and is thus more likely to get a ping-back.  An out of the blue “I hat you” can also work.  (Yes, intentionally misspell hate for some Kaufman-esque confusion.)

Your Better Move: Your move all depends on how much you like the guy.  If he’s drunk and you’re horny, text him back.  If he’s retarded and you don’t think you can do any better, text him back.  If it’s a ping and you don’t like him, ignore it.  If you do like him, ping back with “ur retard.”

His Go-to Texts: Stupid movie quotes, like “night is a very dark time for me” (Blades of Glory) or “break yo’self fool” (Superbad)

Translation: Guys compete with one another to memorize the most lines from their favorite movies.  When he types one to you, it’s an attempt at flirting.  He’s trying to show you how funny he is (or thinks he is).

Your Move: Besides impressing you, he wants to see if you’re savvy enough to know what he’s referencing.  So Google the quote he sent to find out where it’s from then shoot one back.  No time?  Just send “i love lamp” (Anchorman).

Real Meaning: “Give me a ping, Vasily.  One ping only, please.” (Hunt for Red October)

Your Better Move: If you’re into him, ” Frauline, will you permit me?” (Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade) If you’re not, “Negative Ghost rider, the pattern is full” (Top Gun).

His Go-to Texts: Anything but a straight-up yes or not: “sounds like an option” or “maybe”

Translation: He has zero interest in trying to come up with plans for the two of you or even attempting to make a decision.

Your Move: Don’t let the fact that he won’t give you an answer stop you from moving forward or getting what you want.  Write back “ok, give me a call or I’ll just decide.”

Real Meaning: There are three different things that might be going on here.  First, the guy might really just not care and is brushing you off.  Second, he is attempting to be aloof to make you think he’s more important and in demand than he really is.  The third is that he really can’t commit to anything.  When I was working as an attorney, I almost never made definite plans with my girlfriend.  It was always “probably.”  I wasn’t trying to be cute, I was being honest.  I never knew when the boss lady might come in and tell me my life had just been canceled.

Your Better Move: If the guy is brushing you off, go find someone else.  If he’s trying to act cooler than he really is, ditch him.  If he’s interested by not committing because he can’t, then recognize that his answer is a sign that he respects you.  He’s not only being honest with you, but he’s counting on the fact that you’ll be smart and level headed enough to appreciate that he’s giving the best answer that he can.

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Namesake Fail

Posted in Dumb Ideas Girls Have on February 10th, 2010 by bl1y

The January 2010 edition of Cosmopolitan (UK) features a few drink recipes to help you “Party Like an A-Lister.”  Naturally, they had to give a recipe for a Cosmo, but instead of giving the standard recipe, they gave what they dubbed the “Quick Cosmo.”

Naturally, the best cocktail ever!  This is a simple take on the classic mix.

50ml Vodka

100ml Cranberry Juice

Squeeze of 1 lime

Shake and strain.

Now, compare that to the International Bartenders Association (IBA) recipe:

40ml Citrus Vodka

15ml Cointreau

15ml Lime Juice

30ml Cranberry

The magazine’s recipe  dubs this a “simple” take on the classic recipe, but what’s so simple about it?  They just dropped an ingredient that’s incredibly common and takes virtually no effort to add, and reduced the amount of lime juice.  I guess squeezing less fruit makes things easier, but you most decent bars will have a bottle of lime juice for this very purpose, and failing that, they’ll have Roses.

But that’s not their biggest error.  This drink simply isn’t a Cosmo at all.  A Cosmo has 4 ingredients, vodka, cointreau/triple sec, cranberry juice and lime juice.  Without the cointreau or triple sec, it’s simply not a Cosmo, it’s a vodka and cranberry juice with a little bit of lime, better known as a “Vodka Cran.”  Or, for the mixologically inclined, a “Cape Codder.”

Calling this a Cosmo is like pouring a Maker’s Mark neat and calling it a Manhattan.

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13 Sex Tips That Will Drive Him Away!

Posted in Dumb Ideas Girls Have on January 11th, 2010 by bl1y

Cosmopolitan is known for having recurring articles with a laundry list of new things to do in bed, and those lists are known for having a lot of obvious stuff in them, like “Take as much of his package as you can in your mouth, and suck firmly–he’ll absolutely love the pressure,” (#26 this month), or things that are just plain weird “Hold some sparkling water in your mouth while giving him oral. The bubbles plus warmth will make him quiver” (#57).

But, mixed in with these are often some really bad bits of advice almost certain to lead to terrible sex. So, here’s the worst advice out of February Cosmo’s 99 Hot New Sex Tips:

#1 Drop by his place unexpectedly wearing knee-high boots, a trench…and nothing else.

Odds are the trip over will be pretty uncomfortable wearing just a trench, especially if it’s at all cold or the ride is more than 5 minutes. Heaven forbid you get pulled over by a cop or have car trouble. And don’t drop by entirely unexpectedly. He may have friends or family visiting or just not be home. Make the way you arrive unexpected, not the arrival itself. You don’t want to show up like that only to find him with another woman.

The better way to dress for this, to minimize your discomfort, is to add some sexy underwear. Garters are always a good choice. Remember, you don’t want to lose the mood with an awkward, uncomfortable ride.

#2 En route to meet him, text your guy dirty stuff you want him to do to you once you’re there.

While I love a dirty text, don’t text and drive. The best way to turn your guy on is to show up alive and unharmed, not to turn him on and then make him meet you at the hospital.

#18 Pucker your lips, and make him fight to get his tongue in while he’s kissing you.

Do you really want your guy to discover that he’s turned on by the idea of forcible sex?

#20 Using a silky tie, gently bind his hands behind his back. Then torture him with a slow striptease.

Ties from Thomas Pink cost around $150. That’s high end, but odds are if you picked a tie made from a nice material, he doesn’t want to get it dry cleaned to get out the lube or cum stains that end up on it. And he definitely doesn’t want to accidentally rip or stretch it. If you want to act out one of your fantasies, use your own silky scarf, not our silky tie.

#24 Stay silent until you’re about to orgasm…then let yourself go. your animalistic noises will drive him wild.

Ladies, your sounds are half of the way we know we’re getting you off (the other half is what got other girls off). If you stay silent, not only are you less likely to have an orgasm, we’ll probably get very weirded out, especially if you’re normally quite vocal.

#25 Make him “stir” by swiveling his hips in a circle. He’ll hit every part of you.

This is probably taken from the weird moves in soft core porn. (Soft core porn is where the sex is simulated; there’s no actual penetration.) If he’s inside you and you try to move him like this, you will hurt his penis. We don’t like our penises bent, sprained, or broken. It makes for bad sex.

#48 Sway your hips from side to side during doggie-style instead of back and forth in order to hit new nerves.

Same problem, our dicks don’t move that way. You’re going to hurt us, and not in a good way.

#50 Place one hand at the base of his shaft, and twist the tip with the other–like you’re opening a jar.

Penises don’t twist. Don’t try to twist it. It will not open, it will break. If you think a penis works like a jar, maybe this is why you’re always need a man to handle opening jars for you.

#54 During missionary sex, place your feet on his chest with your legs crossed to create an extrasnug grip.

…Whaaaat? I’m no Sting, but I’ve gone through all the basic positions and almost all the semi-pro stuff, and I just don’t understand how this can possibly work.

#55 Lightly wrap a cheap beaded necklace around his package, and then move it back and forth.

The problem here is “cheap.” Cheap beaded necklaces often have little seams on the beads and minor imperfections. These little flaws, combined with a little back and forth can easily result in serious chaffing, or worse, bleeding. I like the idea, but chances this will go wrong are just too high.

#62 Have sex in an empty bathtub. The confined space keeps you close and forces you to get creative.

Bare skin against dry platsic or porcelain? Sounds like a good way to get tub-burn. Just draw a bath, add some bubbles and enjoy the same creativity-forcing confined space. And be careful of the faucet. Some cheaper models can be sharp on the underside.

#71 Set your cell-phone alarm for 3 am., and wake him up for a quickie.

Don’t expect us to be able to perform when we’re tired, disoriented, and pissed off that you set your alarm for 3 am. Instead, set your alarm for 45 minutes before you’d normally get up so you have plenty of time to get it on before work.

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