Dear BL1Y: Where Are the Hot Lawyers?

Posted in Uncategorized on April 16th, 2010 by bl1y

This question came to me as a PM through the Real Social Dynamics forum.  I used to post there quite a bit, but left because it devolved into a circle jerk for fanboys and Tolle junkies.  I went back last week to check in on things in preparation for my appearance on Here’s What to Think, and within a few hours this message showed up:

Hey [BL1Y]. I wondered if you’d ever be back. I thought I remembered that you are a lawyer. If so, can you answer a burning question for me? Where are all the hot young lawyers hanging out? I meet teachers when I’m out, and nurses, and advertising execs, and marketing execs, and the occasional hair dresser etc., but I never run into hot young doctors or lawyers and I’ve always wondered if they are all married before they finish school or if they are hanging out at different bars and clubs.

Crusher~

There are no hot lawyers.  Sorry.

And if there were any, they’d be hanging out in the office.

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What His Texts REALLY Really Mean

Posted in Dumb Ideas Girls Have on February 14th, 2010 by bl1y

Another gem from this month’s Cosmo magazine.  This one is a guide to translating texts that guys send.  Somehow this article (and the entire text has been reproduced here) was too big a task for just the writer, Korrin Miller.  The magazine cites four other people as sources: Debra Goldstein and Olivia Baniuszewicz, coauthors of Flirtexting, Kristina Grish, author of The Joy of Text, and Les Parrott, coauthor of L.O.V.E. Yet, all of these braniacs combined were incapable of deciphering SMS one liners, so I’ve added comments giving the real translation along with the correct responses.

His Go-to Texts: A few words that communicate nada but make you feel obligated to respond.  Common examples: “hey,” “what’s up?” “talk to me.”

Translation: This guy wants you to know he is thinking about you and is craving reassurance that he’s on your mind too.

Your Move: His ego needs a little stroking, so try “what’s up, sexy?” to boost his mojo while matching his mellow approach.

Real Meaning: If he’s asking you “what’s up?” it generally means he wants to make plans and are asking if you’re free.  The other messages, like “hey” or “talk to me” mean “I’m needy! Pay attention to me!”

Your Better Move: If he’s an attention whore through texts, dump him.  You don’t want to get stuck with a guy who needs constant validation.  The last thing you want to do is reinforce this behavior.

His Go-to Texts: Loaded question like “what are you up to tonight?” and “you made plans with the girls this weekend, right?”

Translation: He wants to feel out your response before putting his neck on the line.

Your Move: Play cow.  Try “what do you have in mind?” to make him tell you what he wants.

Real Meaning: He’s asking to spend time with you, but doing so in stages.  This isn’t to protect his neck though.  It’s because he’s on a fact-finding mission.  If he asks “Do you want to see Avatar tonight?” and you say no, he doesn’t know if it’s because you have plans, don’t want to hang out with him at all, or just don’t want to see a lame Pocahontas knockoff.  Asking the question in stages lets him get a more detailed response.

Your Better Move: Answer the questions in a way that is unambiguous.  “I have plans, maybe another time?” “Already saw Avatar, something else?” and “I’m not interested in you, sorry,” are good responses.  The more information you exchange the better.

His Go-to Texts: A string of characters that are even more maddening because you can almost figure them out.  Along the lines of “last nit u tuk itt 2 krzy” or “: \ ?”

Translation: He feels like the two of you can practically read each other’s mind, which is why he doesn’t translate his thoughts into English.

Your Move: Let him know you are still on the same wavelength (but have no clue what that meant) with a flirty “are you texting drunk again?” Call me. xo.”

Real Meaning: There are three possibilities on this one.  The first is obvious, that he’s drunk and just can’t form a coherent text.  The second is that he’s retarded and his sober language skills are that bad.

The third possibility is kind of interesting.  The guy will have only recently met you, maybe gone out once or twice, but there isn’t a strong line of communication between you.  A non-sense (or blank) text is basically a ping, so see if anything comes back.  If you’re not at all interested, we know you won’t reply at all.  And we know you might not reply to something dull like “hey.”  But non-sense text tends to get a girl’s attention more and is thus more likely to get a ping-back.  An out of the blue “I hat you” can also work.  (Yes, intentionally misspell hate for some Kaufman-esque confusion.)

Your Better Move: Your move all depends on how much you like the guy.  If he’s drunk and you’re horny, text him back.  If he’s retarded and you don’t think you can do any better, text him back.  If it’s a ping and you don’t like him, ignore it.  If you do like him, ping back with “ur retard.”

His Go-to Texts: Stupid movie quotes, like “night is a very dark time for me” (Blades of Glory) or “break yo’self fool” (Superbad)

Translation: Guys compete with one another to memorize the most lines from their favorite movies.  When he types one to you, it’s an attempt at flirting.  He’s trying to show you how funny he is (or thinks he is).

Your Move: Besides impressing you, he wants to see if you’re savvy enough to know what he’s referencing.  So Google the quote he sent to find out where it’s from then shoot one back.  No time?  Just send “i love lamp” (Anchorman).

Real Meaning: “Give me a ping, Vasily.  One ping only, please.” (Hunt for Red October)

Your Better Move: If you’re into him, ” Frauline, will you permit me?” (Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade) If you’re not, “Negative Ghost rider, the pattern is full” (Top Gun).

His Go-to Texts: Anything but a straight-up yes or not: “sounds like an option” or “maybe”

Translation: He has zero interest in trying to come up with plans for the two of you or even attempting to make a decision.

Your Move: Don’t let the fact that he won’t give you an answer stop you from moving forward or getting what you want.  Write back “ok, give me a call or I’ll just decide.”

Real Meaning: There are three different things that might be going on here.  First, the guy might really just not care and is brushing you off.  Second, he is attempting to be aloof to make you think he’s more important and in demand than he really is.  The third is that he really can’t commit to anything.  When I was working as an attorney, I almost never made definite plans with my girlfriend.  It was always “probably.”  I wasn’t trying to be cute, I was being honest.  I never knew when the boss lady might come in and tell me my life had just been canceled.

Your Better Move: If the guy is brushing you off, go find someone else.  If he’s trying to act cooler than he really is, ditch him.  If he’s interested by not committing because he can’t, then recognize that his answer is a sign that he respects you.  He’s not only being honest with you, but he’s counting on the fact that you’ll be smart and level headed enough to appreciate that he’s giving the best answer that he can.

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Reason Not to Go to Law School #32

Posted in Reasons Not to Go to Law School on February 11th, 2010 by bl1y

NicoleHot girls.

I know, I’ve previously talked about how law school and law firms are scarce on hot girls and your concept of what’s hot will become morbidly skewed.  But, there are some rare exceptions, and they’re part of the problem.

Girls always try to date up, and law school girls are no exception.

Since they’re around so many ugly girls at school all day, they start to get an inflated sense of just how hot they are.  So, that girl who in the real world is an 8.5 to going to strut around like she’s a 12 and talk about how Heidi Klum is “okay, if you like that boring, white bread type.”

But then you have to add in the ego trip law gives to girls.  Make no mistake, it gives it to guys too.  Guys think they’re the shit when they start law school.  But the difference between law guys and law girls is that after law gives guys an ego trip, it takes it back.  They soon realize that being in law school isn’t getting them laid, and they’ll learn the same about working as an attorney.  But girls don’t experience this.  They continue clinging to the mythical prestige that law confers.

And, to top things off, they think they’re the smartest thing on two legs because they got into law school.  Even if it’s not a top 10 school, they still believe it.  Guys often learn that getting into law school and becoming a lawyer just means they are massively retarded and if they were really smart they’d have chosen a career that makes more money, is less of a hassle, or actually contributes to society.  But, feminist you-go-girling has brainwashed women into believing that any modicum of success means they’re super brilliant.

So, the one or two hot girls in your law school think they’re way hotter than they are, are the spiritual heir to Albert Einstein, and have the most important, prestigious job in the world.  …And they want to date up.

By being in law school with them, you’ve automatically classified yourself as at best being even.  Unless you’re a gozillionaire real estate heir, law girls won’t look at you.  They’ll be too busy chasing the bankers who they can bounce between depending on who got the bigger bonus that year.  Too bad for them, the rolling-in-dough finance guys prefer girls who aren’t neurotic egomaniacs.

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First Hometown Shenanigans

Posted in Uncategorized on January 15th, 2010 by bl1y

I’ve only been living back with my parents for a few weeks, but I’m already aching for some hometown shenanigans. Turns out I got started and didn’t even know it.

Last Tuesday I went out to what I suppose is becoming my regular bar in this town to celebrate the oft’ overlooked holiday of Twelfth Night. For those of you who aren’t aware, Christmas starts at sundown on Christmas day (despite the early morning rituals of shredding paper and being disappointed); the following twelve days are the twelve days of Christmas, the time between Jesus’ birth and the Epiphany, when the wise men came. (Somewhere in the middle the shepherds show up and someone cuts off a piece of Christ’s dick.)

So anyways, I was out celebrating Twelfth Night and I met a girl. She was cute, but in the “I wouldn’t want a long term relationship with you, but will totally fuck you silly until I figure a way out of this town” way. Long story short (and it has to be because I can’t remember much), I had a few too many to drink and woke up the next morning thinking it would have been smart to get her number. D’oh!

Fast forward to last night. I go out again to the same bar and whaddayaknow, she’s there. She comes over and says hi and is all friendly and such. After having he remind me of her name, I tell her I felt stupid for leaving last time without getting her number.

And she tells me that she gave me her number. I look in my phone and yeup, there it is. I try not to make a habit out of getting girl’s phone numbers and thinking I hadn’t, but who knows, it could be fun. Also, ladies, maybe this is why that guy never called you, he didn’t know he had your number. Sure beats thinking he didn’t call because you’re ugly.

Then, she tells me that at some point during our first encounter, she was talking to someone else, and I guess I was feeling neglected, so to get her attention I grabbed her hand and sucked two of her fingers.

Well, you learn something new everyday.

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How to Spot a Player

Posted in Dumb Ideas Girls Have on January 13th, 2010 by bl1y

It’s no wonder so many silly girls have dumb ideas when it comes to dating when they get advice during their formative years from craptacular resources such as 17 Magazine. They have a page on their website where “cute guys” (aka: guidos with braces) will answer your questions so you can learn all about boys.

The current question is “How can girls spot a player?” Here’s a list of the answers the guys gave:

“By the way he dresses and talks to girls around him.” – Cameron, 15

“When he always tells you what you want to hear.” – Joey, 15

“They just know.” – Dillon, 16

“If a guy talks about himself a lot rather than the girl’s interests.” – John, 17

“When he looks at other girls, but say’s [sic] he’s looking at you.” – Chris, 17

“If they talk to every girl in school.” – JP, 15

“By how many girls he’s dated.” – Andrew, 16

Every guy talks about their interests, everyone is their own favorite subject. If a guy notices other girls, it means he just has a functioning penis. If he lies about it, that means he has a functioning brain. Talking to every girl might just be a sign that he’s friendly. And of course, telling girls that they just know is terrible advice to give to someone who is obviously asking because they don’t know.

There is only really one way to spot a player: you want to jump his bones before you’ve been on a date.

Assume that every guy who can get you aroused very quickly before any sort of real relationship exists is a player and you’ll be right 95% of the time. It’s not that being a player makes you able to quickly attract girls, but rather the reverse. Having a natural talent for turning girls on will turn almost any guy into a player.

That’s the Catch 22, ladies. The more attractive a guy is, the more options he has and the less likely he’ll be willing to settle with you.

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How to Lose the Power (the DABA Way!)

Posted in Dumb Ideas Girls Have on January 12th, 2010 by bl1y

As much I try to be a fan of the DABA Girls, sometimes they just end up being silly girls with dumb ideas; this time they decided to tell women the key to getting power over men is to withhold sex.

Just think about it. What if every single woman out there stopped having sex. No more one night stands. No more casual hook-ups. No more f*ck buddies. No more ex-sex. No more let’s start having sex and if it’s good then attempt to backtrack into a relationship. The boys of New York would have to start working for it!

There’s just one teencie-weencie problem with their plan: girls like sex too. They like it every bit as much as guys do. Maybe even more. Just think, the last time your neighbors were pounding on the wall/ceiling telling you to keep it down, were they complaining about your orgasmic screams or hers?

All it takes for girls to lose at withholding sex is for guys to just keep in mind that she wants it just as bad and is on the verge of cracking any moment. The only difference is girls have more practice pretending they’re not horny.

There’s actually a second problem: sluts. Sorry ladies, but a sex embargo only works if no ships get through, and there’s a fleet of girls who won’t hold out as long as you will.

Withholding sex will ultimately hurt the girls doing it. Sex is a source of power, but only when you use it. If you withhold it, we’ll get it elsewhere and then you have even less power, so that kinda defeats the purpose.

There are two simple steps to using sex to get power over a relationship:

1) Cardio and yoga. Get as fit as possible. Not female(?) body-builder fit, but hot fit.

2) Get so good at sex that what you have he can’t find elsewhere. This means doing more than lying down and let him do all the work. It also means doing more than getting on your hands and knees and letting him do 98% of the work.

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5 Girls Who Should Be Banned From Dating Sites

Posted in Dumb Ideas Girls Have on January 12th, 2010 by bl1y

1. Girl who doesn’t live where she says.

Some girls, afraid of stalkers and other weirdos, won’t give the real city that they live in. This would make sense if you lived somewhere like Enterprise, Mississippi, a town of less than 500 people. But in most places, it’d be pretty hard to track someone down based on just a picture and (maybe) a first name. Not only are these girls paranoid to the point where you don’t want to date them anyways, but they screw up the whole system.

One of the first thing people filter for on dating sites is location. Most people on there actually want to meet someone, so they narrow the search to people who live in the same city. So, if you lie about what city you live in, the people who live in your city will never see your profile. Way to completely defeat the purpose of a dating site.

2. Girl with a bare bones profile.

Most girls will say they want a guy to be interested in more than just their looks. But, a lot of these girls keep dating profiles that do nothing to differentiate themselves from the rest of the pack. You like music? Wow! That’s soooo interesting! I’m totally going to take time out of my day to send you a message asking about your interest in music.

If you present yourself as a generic person, the only thing left to find attractive is your looks. So, either develop a personality or stop complaining when all we care about is the twins.

3. Girl who complains in her profile.

Worse than having a sparse profile is having one that’s full of bitching. Don’t mention your failed relationships. Everyone has them, and they’re not necessarily anything to be ashamed of, but it’s not something you want to advertise to people you haven’t even met.

Don’t complain about asshole guys. We don’t care that you’re getting a zillion messages a day from people you aren’t interested in. You sound like a stuck up bitch who just wants to show off how popular she is, and in doing so, you’re probably going to reveal that you have a generally low opinion of men. Not really what we’re looking for.

Don’t claim to have haters. Unless you’re a real life celebrity, you don’t have haters, you just have bitches you’ve pissed off by being a bigger bitch than they are.

And I’m only throwing in this last one because I’ve actually seen it, twice. Not making this up. Don’t mention being the victim of double digit rapes. Being a rape victim once is awful. Twice is tragic. More than 10 times though? Odds are you either exercise extremely poor judgment, or you just like to throw around rape accusations. Not going to attract many men by making them think they’ll be put on trial when you break up. …On the other hand, maybe you should keep that on your profile, so we know to avoid your psychotic ass.

4. Girl who isn’t there to date.

There’s a surprising number of girls on dating sites who say they aren’t there to meet anyone; some of them have it right in their profiles. The explanation is usually they just joined to take the quizzes or because a friend joined (and needed moral support?).

Don’t believe them. Believe that they aren’t interested in meeting anyone, but not their reason for being on the site. You don’t have to post five pictures (with at least one in your underwear) to take the quizzes or support your friend. You’re an attention whore. And, your waste of space profile makes it harder for people actually looking to find someone. Get out of the damn way!

5. Girl with all the angles.

Never trust a top-down picture; her tits are hiding her fat.

Never trust a girl ho doesn’t have a full body picture.

Never trust a girl who takes all her pictures from the same angle.

Assume a girl is only as attractive as her least attractive picture. Odds are she’s worse.

[Head over to CollegeCandy.com for 5 Guys Who Should be Banned From Dating Sites]

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How to Get Guys at Bars to Talk to You (Other Than Being Super Hot)

Posted in Dumb Ideas Girls Have on January 11th, 2010 by bl1y

Once again, a perfectly fine day spent trawling the internets for dumb girls saying silly things, but this time I actually found a girl offering some reasonable tips on what girls can do to improve their chances at meeting guys. Head over to The Quest for Romance (awful, awful name) to read the full article, then read below for my analysis.

“So let’s face it: it’s all about making yourself look available. But in a good way. A fun, easy-going, approachable way, so that by the end of the night you come home with a number.”

Close. It also helps if you’re willing to actually approach a guy and initiate conversation. The passive approach means if we don’t notice you you’re shit out of luck. Also, it’s okay to come home with three or four numbers, we do it. You never know who will call, who will answer, and who will simply flake. More numbers mean more chances.

2. Big jewelery works.

Ok, so I have no scientific evidence for this either. Other than personal experience, where I’ve been chatted up by guys because of some loud piece of jewelry I was wearing.”

Again close, but a little off the mark. It’s not jewelry in particular that helps, but rather wearing one interesting item. Even guys who are great at talking to girls can have trouble with the initial ice breaking. An interesting object gives a guy who wants to talk to you an easy way to start up a conversation. (Guys, you can use the same thing to make it easier for shy girls to talk to you.)

“3. Smaller groups improve your chances of meeting guys.”

Definitely do not agree. It’s more about the disposition of your group that the size. If your group is arranged in one big circle and everyone is talking to everyone else, then you can encounter problems. Though, I’ve barged into the middle of a circle to ask a girl who was on the other side for her number. And I got it. With all her friends watching.

…Anyways, if your group is the type that tends to splinter off into sub-groups, a large group is fine. I know I’d prefer a large group of girls simply because it increases the chances I’ll find someone friendly who will help me meet the other people, and a better shot at finding someone I connect with.

The thing you absolutely want to avoid, as Melissa touches on, is a group of two. In a group of two a guy can’t talk to you without your friend feeling shut out. Even if you try to include her in the conversation, she won’t want to stand there and watch you get hit on, and there’s a good chance she’ll get bored and cockblock.

5. Don’t get too drunk.

Another “duh” tip… but no guy is going to want to have to take care of the sloppy girl.”

Actually, there are plenty of guys who are more than willing to take care of the sloppy girl. But, while getting trashed may make it easier to meet guys, it’ll just be the wrong type of guy.

6. Give him the eye then look away quickly.

Actually, what you want to do is make eye contact, hold it for about two seconds, smile, then look away. If you look away too quickly he’ll interpret it as either inadvertant eye contact, or disgust at the thought of him looking at you.

For the ladies over there at Quest for a Better Blog Name, here’s a bonus tip that should help you out:

Make sure that exchanging numbers is not the end of your interaction. Most people only think to get a number when they’re about to part ways, but often this feels like a formality and it’s hard to tell how truly interested a person is. It’s often easier to just give you number but ignore his calls than to tell him you’re not interested to his face. If you’re really interested, keep talking to him for a good 5-15 minutes after exchanging numbers. He’s more likely to call you if he thinks you’re going to answer.

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Beautiful People (Dot Com)

Posted in Uncategorized on January 10th, 2010 by bl1y

If you’ve spent too much time on the internet lately (and if you’re unemployed, you know you have), you’ve probably heard about the dating website BeautifulPeople.com, which gained quite a bit of attention after dumping people for their holiday weight gain.

To become a member of BeautifulPeople.com, you must first go through a 48 hour rating period in which members vote on whether you’re beautiful enough to be let in. But, after many of the members gained too much holiday weight (and I guess posted more recent, unflattering pictures?), the plumper members were put back onto the chopping block, essentially going through the application process again. I haven’t seen how many were reconsidered, but 5000 were let go.

So of course this site gets lots of criticism for being shallow and blah blah blah, but I think it’s actually a pretty brilliant idea. Most dating sites are overrun with people who are unattractive or downright uggo. And let’s face it, looks matter. So, if you’re particularly discriminating in your tastes, you might have to wade through hundreds of profiles on sites like Plenty of Fish or OKCupid to find someone who’s not just physically attractive, but who also has a compatible personality. And of coures, finding one person doesn’t garauntee romance, or even a first date. So really, to have a good chance at meeting someone and forming a relationship, you could be stuck going through thousands of profiles, or simply exhausting the dating pool if you live in a smaller city.

Most dating sites allow you to narrow your searches based on a variety of factors, such as location, age, education level, religion, alcohol/tobacco/drug use and the like. People simply check boxes on their profile, and then a basic search engine can filter out the people who don’t meet your basic criteria. The only thing they can’t really filter for is attractiveness. That’s what the mob rule at BeautifulPeople.com does.

I have no idea if it’s at all effective though. OKCupid has tried making a “hot list,” a list of people voted by other members as being attractive. But, the OKCupid hot list dropped in quality almost instantly. On sites like that, people are generally pretty generous with their votes (but not with their dates). There’s just something about us that makes us prone to giving overly rosy reviews, be it of a CLE lecture, a review of a professor, or an anonymous stranger on a dating site. But, BeautifulPeople.com may have developed a more realistic (if harsh) culture, which could be effective in weeding out the uggos.

Don’t look for me on there any time soon, I’m only just now starting to work off my “recession weight.” That pizza and beer diet is a killer. But, if anyone reading this is a member, feel free to post links to pictures in the comments. I think we’re all a bit curious as to who makes the cut there.

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Why Smart Women Really Have a Tough Time Dating

Posted in Uncategorized on January 10th, 2010 by bl1y

Dr. Alex Benzer, author of Tao of Dating and Other Wastes of Money has written a relatively uninsightful piece for the Huffington Post about why smart women have a tough time dating. While I don’t think he gets anything wrong, his piece is just pretty bland, uninteresting and superficial. Of course, you can’t expect to get the truth about dating published with the Huffington Post. So, as a supplement to “Dr.” Benzer’s piece, here are five more reasons smart women have trouble dating.

1. They Want to “Date Up.” Many women insist on “dating up” in two categories, education and income. They want a man who is at least as well educated as they are, and who makes more money than they do. Well, smart people tend to be well educated and make more money, so this narrows the fields down pretty quickly. And to worsen the problem, smart men will generally consider a wider range of education and professional backgrounds. Smart women restrict themselves to a smaller pool, but the men in that pool don’t feel obligated to stay in it, so we date women outside of it and there’s not a whole lot left in the pond.

2. They want to “Date Up.” Yeah, we’re still on this. Like I said, most women want to date up, but there’s another reason why this is particularly problematic for smart women. When smart women look for someone as educated as they are and who makes better money, they come across as much more superficial than other women. For the most part, they look at only doctors, lawyers and bankers, and when that’s your pool of potential mates, you look like a gold digging bitch. It might not be the case, but that’s how you’ll come across.

3. They come across as insecure about their smarts. Many smart women are in jobs that are, or traditionally have been, dominated by men. Whether real or imagined, they often feel a need to prove themselves, which includes proving how smart they are. As they say, a rich man doesn’t need to tell you that he’s rich. Same goes for smarts. If you’re intelligent, it will come through naturally. Making an effort to show how smart you are shows you’re insecure about your intelligence; you don’t trust it to show on its own. Not only is insecurity unattractive, but you’ll come across as a try hard and frankly, not that smart.

4. They’re not actually smart, they’re just educated. Going to an Ivy League school does not necessarily mean you’re smart. You can memorize facts and definitions and kill the SATs and even graduate with great grades from a top school but still be dumb as bricks when it comes to things like adapting to a new technology or figuring out that the guy with a wife and a mistress isn’t interested in you.

Education is just a paper in a frame and a line on a resume. Being smart is about observation, analysis, adaptation and innovation. If you were actually smart, you wouldn’t need a psuedo-doctor to tell you what you’re doing wrong. You’d have already figured it out and fixed it.

5. They have a rod up their ass. Benzer gets it right that many smart women don’t play up their feminine side, but ignores the darker part of this. They often are incredibly obsessive about finding men who want them for their intelligence. On the other hand, men don’t really care why a woman is attracted to us (unless it’s for money); we just want a woman who is genuinely attracted to us. The why doesn’t matter.

What makes this one particularly bad is that intelligence on its own is not really that attractive. If your intelligence makes you more able to hold an interesting conversation, or enjoy the nerdy things we like, or suggest a book we’ll love, then it makes you more attractive. But, intelligence can also make you a mindless drone. It’s not raw intelligence but how you apply that matters.

Wondering why there’s a picture of Amanda Bynes in this post? She’s definitely not the model of feminine intelligence. Nope, just a gratuitous hottie. You’re welcome.

PS: If you think of Dr. Benzer as a real doctor, you’re not that smart. He’s a freaking hypnotherapist and neuro-linguistic programming practitioner…meaning he’s just a super-cheesey wannabe pickup artist who calls himself a doctor.

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