This week we explore exciting topics such as Facebook, dumb beer laws, the MPRE, Fantasy Football, Jersey Shore IP woes, and why no one wants to bang law women. And if you think that stuff sucked, just imagine the parts that got cut out!
Just in case you needed a cheap lol during bar review season:
The code for the shark is (^^^) [includes parenthesis]. Pass it on.
Last week the ABA Journal ran a story about community pages automatically created by Facebook which drew text from the job descriptions in people’s profiles. Quite a few cast a glum light on the legal profession, with perhaps “Slave” at Skadden Arps being the most telling.
The ABA Journal then posed a question to its readers, “What poetic, alliterative, & not-so-nasty words would you use to describe your position at your firm?” And, as usual, when they posted this week’s question (about dress codes), they also ran last week’s featured answer:
In case the text from that screen shot is too small to read, it says:
Posted by BL1Y.com: “I used to list myself as a ‘billable hour factory line worker,’ because that pretty accurately describes life as a junior associate at a big law firm. You’re not there to produce great research or polished memos; you’re there to produce billable hours. But, since the economy happened, I’ve changed my job title to ‘welfare queen.’ “
It’s about time my licorice wit got some recognition. (And not just from the amazingly talented comedian Ben Corman, who kindly linked to yesterday’s post about not having it all. Be sure to take a jog over to AttentionCrash.net, read his comedy, and listen to his radio show with Dr. Rob.)
Finally got my Alabama bar application in the mail today, about 3 hours before the deadline. Here’s what I’ve been doing instead of being a responsible adult:
Boring professors.
As reported on AbovetheLaw.com, professors are increasingly likely to ban laptops in their classes, and some schools even have their lectures halls set up to block wifi signals.
Professors have a laundry list of reasons for the policies, but two always top the charts: (1) students tend to transcribe the lecture instead of think about it, and (2) students goofing off tend to distract other students. These are both pretty lame reasons.
Transcribing v. Thinking
Yes, many students do tend to get into a transcription-trance during class. But, we’re perfectly capable of reading over our notes later and thinking through issues then. Most classes stay on big topics for days or even weeks, so it’s okay for a student to have an interesting idea a class later. Hell, they’ll probably realize it wasn’t that interesting and decide not to waste time with it, whereas if they weren’t transcribing the lecture they’d have more dumb thoughts pop into their head to inspire them to raise their hands and annoy everyone else.
And, while I can go back and think about your class afterward, what I can’t do is go back and hear your class verbatim.
If you want students to do more thinking and less transcribing, then don’t simply lecture, engage us.
Distracting Others
This has a much easier fix than banning laptops. Simply say at the beginning of the semester that the first two rows are reserved for people who think they might be distracted by what’s happening on their neighbor’s laptops and declare those rows a strictly no-goofing off zone. It’s not just laptops that can be distracting, so a professor worried about distractions should ban distractions, not just laptops. I find the girl who spends all class knitting far more distracting than the one sitting next to her doing online shopping or playing on Facebook.
What it really comes down to though is that professors tend to just be boring and their lectures often add little of interest. We’ve already read the cases, the comments in the books, and the study guide written by our professor. Most of us are only in class because the ABA set an attendance requirement for your credits to count (and some professors really will threaten to withhold your credit for missing class).
In undergrad I had one professor (for several classes) who had one simple rule for attendence: if you don’t come to class, you will fail. He never kept attendence though. Never checked to see who was there and who wasn’t. The lectures and class discussions were just so incredibly useful than come exam time, if you hadn’t been in class all semester, you’d be screwed. And he tought philosophy of law classes, so I think it could work in actual law classes pretty well.
Or, as one of Mystal’s professors told his class, “If you are more entertained sitting at home after you’ve already paid to attend my class, the fault lies with me.” Professors aren’t concerned with students transcribing or distracting others, what they’re concerned with is competition. Even after spending twenty or thirty or even forty thousand dollars a year on classes, we often still don’t care and it’s a blow to their egos. If you want us to pay attention, be more interesting, instead of banning the competition. It’s not my fault that your anecdote about vodka sauce or the Backstreet Boys just isn’t as entertaining as surfing pro-anorexia (thinspiration) websites:
White People.
The problem isn’t the large percentage of white people in law schools, it’s the kind of white people. I don’t know if they start out this way, or if law school some how transforms them, but white people in law school are the epitome of the upper-middle/lower-upper class, socially “aware,” dying-to-be-hipster white people depicted on the popular blog Stuff White People Like.
Law students are breaking the mold a little bit by getting a degree that (according to the plainly false myth) will lead to a financially rewarding and successful career, but they more than make up for by their other ultra-white interests:
Coffee. Pretty obvious, law students need caffeine more than most. This is part of the reason law school girls get so fat. Guys will more often turn to black coffee, or coffee with just a small amount of sugar or cream. Girls go for the ultra grande fat-fat-fat mocha. If they get a house blend from the school, they’ll be sure to add a ton of soy milk, claiming it’s a good fat. But, soy milk has more fat and calories that regular milk, so it’s not that great on your ass.
Religions that their parents don’t belong to. Good luck finding a white person in law school who even has a religion. And, I’m counting Jews as their own ethnic group, distinct from white people.
Diversity. No one will defend Affirmative Action faster than a white law student. But, after having graduated from law school, I can assure you that minorities brought no more diverse or interesting opinions than other people. Still, law school is ultra-PC, so you can’t point that out.
Barack Obama. Don’t you dare think about saying you didn’t vote for Obama to a law student. Law students are more politically correct than most, and you’ll be instantly branded a racist for not supporting him. The only way out is if you say you didn’t vote at all, because you hated Bush III, but couldn’t support Obama because of the misogyny in his campaign and how he wilfully cheated Hillary out of the nomination.
Be doubly careful around white girls. Obama isn’t just a beefy political icon, he’s also a former law professor. Every white law girl has a crush on Obama.
Having black friends. White law students literally flock to black students on the first day of class, hoping to be the kid cool enough to land the black friend. Little do they know that the black law students instantly flock to the other black law students, hoping to not be the one black kid so uncool as to have white friends.
For law school, this really should be modified to “Having black female friends” …because law schools don’t admit black men. No joke. In your next giant, 100+ person lecture, count the number of black women, then count the number of black men.
Awareness. Combine general white guilt induced advocacy with the need for white law students to convince others they really want to use their degree to help others and make a difference and this one’s a no brainer.
Traveling. Law school gives students two times where they have not just the money and free time to travel, but where they are actually expected to travel. The first is between your 2L summer job and the start of 3L fall semester, and the second is after the bar exam (aka: bar trip). If you have a private sector 1L summer job, you’re also expected to travel between that job and your 2L fall. You will quite literally be shunned or scolded by your classmates if you didn’t travel. No one will ask what you’re doing after your last day at your summer job, they will simply ask where you plan to travel to. It’s as though travel is the only legitimate form of celebration or reward.
Being and expert on YOUR culture. Now it’s not just your culture, but the laws of your culture. With the two extra trips mentioned above, expect some super douchy comments. As you probably know, spending two weeks in another country makes white people an expert on its culture.
Veganism/Vegetarianism. Unlike in undergrad, when you might have long swathes of time for frisbee on the quad, law school keeps you at school for a long portion of the day; either in class or reading for the next one. With the aid of lockers, you won’t be running home much. And, since law schools are often somewhat detached from the main campus, they don’t have easy access to the student union, so they tend to have their own cafeteria or cafe.
Freaking vegetarians… They will insist that the school provide them with meat-free options. I don’t mind that they’re available. The problem is that space is limited, and these options will necessarily squeeze out something more delicious. It’s zero-sum and all meats is already pareto-optimal. In the more liberal schools, vegan and vegetarian options can become up to half of what’s available.
Now, technically meat lovers can eat vegetarian fair. But, technically vegetarians can eat meat. They just don’t want to. But you know what? I don’t want to eat a grilled eggplant panini way more than you don’t want to eat meat.
Knowing what’s best for poor people. Just wait until you get to the cases that lead up to Mathews v. Eldridge in your civil procedure class. Didn’t cover that case? That’s because your law school is a joke and your professor, as much as you want to be ravaged by him, is a hack.
Bottles of water. In your next giant lecture class, after you’ve finished counting the number of black people (by the way, keep it on the d-low what you’re doing, or else people will probably get the wrong idea about you), count the people with bottled water. Then, when the class leaves, count the number of bottles either remaining on the desks or on the floor.
Discarded water bottles will out number the black men.
Facebook. When I was in law school, I favored Desktop Tower Defense 1.5, or if I knew I wouldn’t be called on, Doom 2 or Medieval Total War. But, for many law students, Facebook is their go-to way of keeping awake during lectures on topics they don’t care about. (Second choice for female law students, after online shopping.)
But if law students are paying so much for law school, and planning to be lawyers, shouldn’t we expect them to be interested in their classes? No. It’s the very interest in becoming a lawyer that makes these classes so uninteresting. Nothing in your law school classes will pertain to your eventual law firm practice.
