Another gem from this month’s Cosmo magazine. This one is a guide to translating texts that guys send. Somehow this article (and the entire text has been reproduced here) was too big a task for just the writer, Korrin Miller. The magazine cites four other people as sources: Debra Goldstein and Olivia Baniuszewicz, coauthors of Flirtexting, Kristina Grish, author of The Joy of Text, and Les Parrott, coauthor of L.O.V.E. Yet, all of these braniacs combined were incapable of deciphering SMS one liners, so I’ve added comments giving the real translation along with the correct responses.
His Go-to Texts: A few words that communicate nada but make you feel obligated to respond. Common examples: “hey,” “what’s up?” “talk to me.”
Translation: This guy wants you to know he is thinking about you and is craving reassurance that he’s on your mind too.
Your Move: His ego needs a little stroking, so try “what’s up, sexy?” to boost his mojo while matching his mellow approach.
Real Meaning: If he’s asking you “what’s up?” it generally means he wants to make plans and are asking if you’re free. The other messages, like “hey” or “talk to me” mean “I’m needy! Pay attention to me!”
Your Better Move: If he’s an attention whore through texts, dump him. You don’t want to get stuck with a guy who needs constant validation. The last thing you want to do is reinforce this behavior.
His Go-to Texts: Loaded question like “what are you up to tonight?” and “you made plans with the girls this weekend, right?”
Translation: He wants to feel out your response before putting his neck on the line.
Your Move: Play cow. Try “what do you have in mind?” to make him tell you what he wants.
Real Meaning: He’s asking to spend time with you, but doing so in stages. This isn’t to protect his neck though. It’s because he’s on a fact-finding mission. If he asks “Do you want to see Avatar tonight?” and you say no, he doesn’t know if it’s because you have plans, don’t want to hang out with him at all, or just don’t want to see a lame Pocahontas knockoff. Asking the question in stages lets him get a more detailed response.
Your Better Move: Answer the questions in a way that is unambiguous. “I have plans, maybe another time?” “Already saw Avatar, something else?” and “I’m not interested in you, sorry,” are good responses. The more information you exchange the better.
His Go-to Texts: A string of characters that are even more maddening because you can almost figure them out. Along the lines of “last nit u tuk itt 2 krzy” or “: \ ?”
Translation: He feels like the two of you can practically read each other’s mind, which is why he doesn’t translate his thoughts into English.
Your Move: Let him know you are still on the same wavelength (but have no clue what that meant) with a flirty “are you texting drunk again?” Call me. xo.”
Real Meaning: There are three possibilities on this one. The first is obvious, that he’s drunk and just can’t form a coherent text. The second is that he’s retarded and his sober language skills are that bad.
The third possibility is kind of interesting. The guy will have only recently met you, maybe gone out once or twice, but there isn’t a strong line of communication between you. A non-sense (or blank) text is basically a ping, so see if anything comes back. If you’re not at all interested, we know you won’t reply at all. And we know you might not reply to something dull like “hey.” But non-sense text tends to get a girl’s attention more and is thus more likely to get a ping-back. An out of the blue “I hat you” can also work. (Yes, intentionally misspell hate for some Kaufman-esque confusion.)
Your Better Move: Your move all depends on how much you like the guy. If he’s drunk and you’re horny, text him back. If he’s retarded and you don’t think you can do any better, text him back. If it’s a ping and you don’t like him, ignore it. If you do like him, ping back with “ur retard.”
His Go-to Texts: Stupid movie quotes, like “night is a very dark time for me” (Blades of Glory) or “break yo’self fool” (Superbad)
Translation: Guys compete with one another to memorize the most lines from their favorite movies. When he types one to you, it’s an attempt at flirting. He’s trying to show you how funny he is (or thinks he is).
Your Move: Besides impressing you, he wants to see if you’re savvy enough to know what he’s referencing. So Google the quote he sent to find out where it’s from then shoot one back. No time? Just send “i love lamp” (Anchorman).
Real Meaning: “Give me a ping, Vasily. One ping only, please.” (Hunt for Red October)
Your Better Move: If you’re into him, ” Frauline, will you permit me?” (Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade) If you’re not, “Negative Ghost rider, the pattern is full” (Top Gun).
His Go-to Texts: Anything but a straight-up yes or not: “sounds like an option” or “maybe”
Translation: He has zero interest in trying to come up with plans for the two of you or even attempting to make a decision.
Your Move: Don’t let the fact that he won’t give you an answer stop you from moving forward or getting what you want. Write back “ok, give me a call or I’ll just decide.”
Real Meaning: There are three different things that might be going on here. First, the guy might really just not care and is brushing you off. Second, he is attempting to be aloof to make you think he’s more important and in demand than he really is. The third is that he really can’t commit to anything. When I was working as an attorney, I almost never made definite plans with my girlfriend. It was always “probably.” I wasn’t trying to be cute, I was being honest. I never knew when the boss lady might come in and tell me my life had just been canceled.
Your Better Move: If the guy is brushing you off, go find someone else. If he’s trying to act cooler than he really is, ditch him. If he’s interested by not committing because he can’t, then recognize that his answer is a sign that he respects you. He’s not only being honest with you, but he’s counting on the fact that you’ll be smart and level headed enough to appreciate that he’s giving the best answer that he can.