Cosmo Bats .426 on Man Code

Posted in Uncategorized on May 17th, 2010 by bl1y

The June issue of Cosmo features a five page spread with “101 Things About Men,” including a 13 Item Man Code:

Male Cosmo staffers recently admitted that there are unspoken rules all dudes live by to maintain their masculinity.  We got them to spill.

Really?  This is news to some women?

You must be within 50 feet of a swimming pool in order to drink a frozen cocktail.

False.  There are two rules for when you may drink a frozen cocktail.  First, you can drink it if you’re at a bar with deep discounts on their frozen drinks, and so it’s an economical choice (or, in the same spirit, if you’re at someone’s home and it’s the only liquor choice available).  Second, you can always drink a frozen cocktail if you generally drink like a horse and can legitimately tell people to shut the frack up about your drink selection.  If you can out drink a Dublin native, you can drink whatever you want.

If your man bag is too small to hold cleats and a baseball glove, it is a purse, and you may not carry it.

False.  If it is called a “man bag,” you may not carry it.  A messenger bag designed to carry your laptop and with a strap that goes across your body is acceptable.  A bag carried on the same side as the shoulder supporting it is never okay.

You shouldn’t deny that you look at porn, because no woman will believe you.  However, you should lie about how often you do it, because any woman would be horrified.

True.  You should also lie about what you watch.  Say you only watch amateur stuff if you’re dating a liberal chick.  Never admit to liking bukake.

You may not pay more than one-third of what your girlfriend pays for a haircut.

False.  You may get whatever hair cut you like from whoever you like for whatever price you agree upon.  You may not allow your girlfriend’s hair style to dictate your own.

You can ask a friend if his meal or drink is good.  You cannot ask for a bite or a sip.

True.  But, if you are ordering an usual (and expensive) beer, and someone asks how it is, you should offer a sip.  But, you never get to ask for one.

You must carry cash at all times, but you may never pay with loose change.

False.  Nothing wrong with exact change, so long as you pay fast enough to not hold up the line behind you.

When having your photograph taken, you are not allowed to have a “good side.”

True.

You may never ask a buddy, “What are you thinking?”…unless you’re referring to the fast-food menu at which you’re both gazing.

Over-simplified, but on the right track.  “What are you thinking?” may only refer to preferences for eating, boozing, movies, etc.

If you friend’s wife asks you probing questions about him, you may not provide her with any information about his romantic part, his current location, or what he did last night.  That way, he will do the same for you.

True.

The only three things it’s okay to ask another man to hold for you: the other end of a sheet of drywall, your keys if he’s your designated driver, and your jacket if you are about to get into a fistfight.

True.  You may not ask another guy to hold your drink at a bar, though you may ask him to watch it if you set it down.  If there is no convenient place to set it, you should finish your drink before going to smoke, pee, whatever.  If you ask him to hold it and he finished his drink before you return, he may drink yours.

When riding in the backseat with two other people, you may sit on either side but never on the “hump.”

Anyone know what the hump is?  I assume they mean the raised part on the floor that some cars have, in which case this refers to where your legs go, not where you’re sitting.  If you’re forced to ride bitch, you’re allowed to sit wherever is most comfortable and least invasive to the other passengers.

You must accept at least 50 percent of all dares posed to you by friends.

False.  You ought to accept 0 percent of all dares posed to you by friends, because your friends are assholes who only suggest things they know will end badly for you.

There shall always be at least one unoccupied urinal between you and all other urinal users.  This rule may be violated only if the next inning is about to start.

Partly true, and entirely false.  The rule for urinal placement is more complicated.  Yes, there will always be a buffer urinal, but that’s not all.  If you have 5 urinals in a row, numbered 1-5 from left to right, the order they should be occupied is: (1) 1 or 5, (2) whichever of 1 or 5 is not occupied, (3) 3, (4) wait.

There is no exception for baseball games about to resume play.  It’s freaking baseball.  You know what happens if you miss two minutes of baseball?  You become a better person.

And, there are a few rules that didn’t make it onto the list:

To call shotgun you must be in sight of the thing you are calling shotgun on.

When calling dibs on a girl (ie: who gets to hit on her), your privilege will expire if you do not make a move in a reasonable period of time.  You may not call dibs on more than one girl with respect to the same guy (however, you may have priority on Girl 1 over Guy A, and priority on Girl 2 on Guy B, useful for when Guys A and B are in two different social circles).

You must wing.  If your buddy is talking with a girl, act as if he’s the most intelligent, hilarious guy ever, never disagree with him, keep her ugly friend occupied, and help them break off from the rest of the group.  If he says the two of them are going to head somewhere else and asks if you’re interested, you’re not, even if you are, unless the girl then appears to be reconsidering the plans, in which case you should go.

The person in the passenger seat must take orders from the driver, such as changing the radio or fiddling with the GPS.

You must not let your buddy’s girlfriend push you around.  He’s allowed to be whipped, but he needs you to be strong so he can at least maintain vicarious masculinity.

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