When Two Becomes Three (Or Fewer)

Posted in Dumb Ideas Girls Have on March 11th, 2010 by bl1y

The February edition of UK Cosmo explores four common fantasies women think about when what you’re doing in bed just isn’t cutting it.

Our poll revealed that eight of out of 10 of you use fantasies to help reach orgasm.  But what do your erotic thoughts really mean?

Most of the advice is the normal, tame bread and butter of Cosmo, but one of the fantasies discussed takes a very bad turn.

Sex is like breakfast — cereal monogamy gets very samey. [Nevermind that the pun is referencing serial monogamy, the practice of having a series of wives.]  But throw in a banana or a soft, fuzzy peach and suddenly it seems mouthwateringly delicious.  Fruity fantasies about sex with more than one paerson — male or female –  are very common and merely indicate a love of new experiences, not that you want a three-in-a-bed romp.  For example, research from the University of Toroonto showed that women were notably more aroused when shown footage of a nake woman doing a workout than when they saw naked men doing yoga.  It doesn’t mean they’re lesbians.  “Many women are turned on by the idea of exploring another woman’s body, and doing it in the company of her own boyfriend makes it less intimidating and an erotic experience for everyone,” says Sadie.

To avoid inviting the green-eyed monster to join you between the sheets, take things slowly.  “Mention that you had an erotic dream involving another man or woman — preferably not someone you know –  and watch his response,” says Ian.  “If he seems into it, feed him some more details.”  Then try introducing it in the bedroom.  By ‘it’ we mean the idea, not an actual person. [...] “Talk about what you’d do to the other person if they were in bed with you,” Sadie.  “That can be incredibly erotic without the risks associated with bringing a third person into your bed.”

So basically this is going to go one of two ways.  Either, you tell your boyfriend you want to bring another man into bed with you, and you end up with an ex-boyfriend shaped hole in the wall where he ran through it to get away from you, or you tell him you want to bring another girl into bed but refuse to do it, and end up with a boyfriend cheating on you because you keep talking about how great being with another woman would be.

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BL1Y Sex Tips on College Humor

Posted in Uncategorized on March 4th, 2010 by bl1y

My 13 Sex Tips to Drive Him Away are now up on CollegeHumor.com.  But, it’s a long road to getting a featured article, so please go visit the link and click that you like it (even if you don’t).

And, as a special “plz hlp!” bribe, here’s a picture of Bar Refaeli.

You’re welcome.

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6 Sex Tips for a Worst V-Day Ever

Posted in Dumb Ideas Girls Have on February 13th, 2010 by bl1y

Straight from the March 2010 Cosmo, some really terrifically bad things to do in the sack that will lead to your most awkward Valentine’s Day ever.

Testicles handle heat better than most other areas down there, so put a warm washcloth over his boys and gently squeeze him through it.

Ladies, if you go get a wash cloth and put it on his junk, he’s going to spend the rest of the night (and maybe his life) thinking that he isn’t getting clean down there.  Nothing quite like making your guy paranoid that his boys smell.

Wrap a shoelace around the middle of his shaft once, so you have two long ends.  Then while giving oral attention to his tip, pull on the strings, flossing it up and down.  It provides a bit of friction that feels great.

First of all, guys know how crazy girls are.  We see you trying up Mr. Happigrand and we’re going to think you’re about to strangle him because you dreamt we cheated on you and you’re too stupid/crazy to know the difference between real life and a dream.

Also: rug burn.

Ice can be too cold down there, but fruit has just the right amount of coolness to cause a feelgood tingle.  Chew a small piece of mango (but don’t swallow it) then take him in your mouth.  You can use whatever fruit you have, just don’t try anything too acidic, as it can burn him.

Also, don’t try a pear or guava unless you want your guy asking why your mouth is grainy.  As weird as this one is though, it might not be completely horrible.  Just be sure to get out that wash cloth when you’re done.  No one like sticky dick.

Apply a little pressure and gently slide a fine-tooth comb’s teeth along his shaft, pulling it toward his body so you’re not pushing.  The light scratching gets blood circulating throughout his member.

OH HELL NO.  He might have hair, but he ain’t getting combed.  No teeth, of any kind, should make contact at any point, ever.

NO TEETH ON THE PENIS.  K?  Thx.

The patch of skin between his testicles and anus–the perineum–is full of orgasmic potential. [...] The perineum is located on top of his prostate (the male G-spot), so if you press hard enough, you’ll hit that ultra-plreasing area, double the feel-good thrills.

Touch that area and we’ll think you’re going for the ass.  Some guys are into that, but a lot of guys are going to freak out.  Also, if you start pressing around down for the prostate, we’re going to think you’re going for the ass and don’t understand basic anatomy.

And guess what, there’s more:

During oral, stop lavishing his shaft with your tongue, and bring your lips to this pleasure patch.  Purse them together like you’re going in for a kiss, but instead of a smooch, lightly suck on the skin.

Don’t. Suck. The. Taint.  ‘Nuff said.

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How to Lose the Power (the DABA Way!)

Posted in Dumb Ideas Girls Have on January 12th, 2010 by bl1y

As much I try to be a fan of the DABA Girls, sometimes they just end up being silly girls with dumb ideas; this time they decided to tell women the key to getting power over men is to withhold sex.

Just think about it. What if every single woman out there stopped having sex. No more one night stands. No more casual hook-ups. No more f*ck buddies. No more ex-sex. No more let’s start having sex and if it’s good then attempt to backtrack into a relationship. The boys of New York would have to start working for it!

There’s just one teencie-weencie problem with their plan: girls like sex too. They like it every bit as much as guys do. Maybe even more. Just think, the last time your neighbors were pounding on the wall/ceiling telling you to keep it down, were they complaining about your orgasmic screams or hers?

All it takes for girls to lose at withholding sex is for guys to just keep in mind that she wants it just as bad and is on the verge of cracking any moment. The only difference is girls have more practice pretending they’re not horny.

There’s actually a second problem: sluts. Sorry ladies, but a sex embargo only works if no ships get through, and there’s a fleet of girls who won’t hold out as long as you will.

Withholding sex will ultimately hurt the girls doing it. Sex is a source of power, but only when you use it. If you withhold it, we’ll get it elsewhere and then you have even less power, so that kinda defeats the purpose.

There are two simple steps to using sex to get power over a relationship:

1) Cardio and yoga. Get as fit as possible. Not female(?) body-builder fit, but hot fit.

2) Get so good at sex that what you have he can’t find elsewhere. This means doing more than lying down and let him do all the work. It also means doing more than getting on your hands and knees and letting him do 98% of the work.

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13 Sex Tips That Will Drive Him Away!

Posted in Dumb Ideas Girls Have on January 11th, 2010 by bl1y

Cosmopolitan is known for having recurring articles with a laundry list of new things to do in bed, and those lists are known for having a lot of obvious stuff in them, like “Take as much of his package as you can in your mouth, and suck firmly–he’ll absolutely love the pressure,” (#26 this month), or things that are just plain weird “Hold some sparkling water in your mouth while giving him oral. The bubbles plus warmth will make him quiver” (#57).

But, mixed in with these are often some really bad bits of advice almost certain to lead to terrible sex. So, here’s the worst advice out of February Cosmo’s 99 Hot New Sex Tips:

#1 Drop by his place unexpectedly wearing knee-high boots, a trench…and nothing else.

Odds are the trip over will be pretty uncomfortable wearing just a trench, especially if it’s at all cold or the ride is more than 5 minutes. Heaven forbid you get pulled over by a cop or have car trouble. And don’t drop by entirely unexpectedly. He may have friends or family visiting or just not be home. Make the way you arrive unexpected, not the arrival itself. You don’t want to show up like that only to find him with another woman.

The better way to dress for this, to minimize your discomfort, is to add some sexy underwear. Garters are always a good choice. Remember, you don’t want to lose the mood with an awkward, uncomfortable ride.

#2 En route to meet him, text your guy dirty stuff you want him to do to you once you’re there.

While I love a dirty text, don’t text and drive. The best way to turn your guy on is to show up alive and unharmed, not to turn him on and then make him meet you at the hospital.

#18 Pucker your lips, and make him fight to get his tongue in while he’s kissing you.

Do you really want your guy to discover that he’s turned on by the idea of forcible sex?

#20 Using a silky tie, gently bind his hands behind his back. Then torture him with a slow striptease.

Ties from Thomas Pink cost around $150. That’s high end, but odds are if you picked a tie made from a nice material, he doesn’t want to get it dry cleaned to get out the lube or cum stains that end up on it. And he definitely doesn’t want to accidentally rip or stretch it. If you want to act out one of your fantasies, use your own silky scarf, not our silky tie.

#24 Stay silent until you’re about to orgasm…then let yourself go. your animalistic noises will drive him wild.

Ladies, your sounds are half of the way we know we’re getting you off (the other half is what got other girls off). If you stay silent, not only are you less likely to have an orgasm, we’ll probably get very weirded out, especially if you’re normally quite vocal.

#25 Make him “stir” by swiveling his hips in a circle. He’ll hit every part of you.

This is probably taken from the weird moves in soft core porn. (Soft core porn is where the sex is simulated; there’s no actual penetration.) If he’s inside you and you try to move him like this, you will hurt his penis. We don’t like our penises bent, sprained, or broken. It makes for bad sex.

#48 Sway your hips from side to side during doggie-style instead of back and forth in order to hit new nerves.

Same problem, our dicks don’t move that way. You’re going to hurt us, and not in a good way.

#50 Place one hand at the base of his shaft, and twist the tip with the other–like you’re opening a jar.

Penises don’t twist. Don’t try to twist it. It will not open, it will break. If you think a penis works like a jar, maybe this is why you’re always need a man to handle opening jars for you.

#54 During missionary sex, place your feet on his chest with your legs crossed to create an extrasnug grip.

…Whaaaat? I’m no Sting, but I’ve gone through all the basic positions and almost all the semi-pro stuff, and I just don’t understand how this can possibly work.

#55 Lightly wrap a cheap beaded necklace around his package, and then move it back and forth.

The problem here is “cheap.” Cheap beaded necklaces often have little seams on the beads and minor imperfections. These little flaws, combined with a little back and forth can easily result in serious chaffing, or worse, bleeding. I like the idea, but chances this will go wrong are just too high.

#62 Have sex in an empty bathtub. The confined space keeps you close and forces you to get creative.

Bare skin against dry platsic or porcelain? Sounds like a good way to get tub-burn. Just draw a bath, add some bubbles and enjoy the same creativity-forcing confined space. And be careful of the faucet. Some cheaper models can be sharp on the underside.

#71 Set your cell-phone alarm for 3 am., and wake him up for a quickie.

Don’t expect us to be able to perform when we’re tired, disoriented, and pissed off that you set your alarm for 3 am. Instead, set your alarm for 45 minutes before you’d normally get up so you have plenty of time to get it on before work.

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