Cosmopolitan is known for having recurring articles with a laundry list of new things to do in bed, and those lists are known for having a lot of obvious stuff in them, like “Take as much of his package as you can in your mouth, and suck firmly–he’ll absolutely love the pressure,” (#26 this month), or things that are just plain weird “Hold some sparkling water in your mouth while giving him oral. The bubbles plus warmth will make him quiver” (#57).
But, mixed in with these are often some really bad bits of advice almost certain to lead to terrible sex. So, here’s the worst advice out of February Cosmo’s 99 Hot New Sex Tips:
#1 Drop by his place unexpectedly wearing knee-high boots, a trench…and nothing else.
Odds are the trip over will be pretty uncomfortable wearing just a trench, especially if it’s at all cold or the ride is more than 5 minutes. Heaven forbid you get pulled over by a cop or have car trouble. And don’t drop by entirely unexpectedly. He may have friends or family visiting or just not be home. Make the way you arrive unexpected, not the arrival itself. You don’t want to show up like that only to find him with another woman.
The better way to dress for this, to minimize your discomfort, is to add some sexy underwear. Garters are always a good choice. Remember, you don’t want to lose the mood with an awkward, uncomfortable ride.
#2 En route to meet him, text your guy dirty stuff you want him to do to you once you’re there.
While I love a dirty text, don’t text and drive. The best way to turn your guy on is to show up alive and unharmed, not to turn him on and then make him meet you at the hospital.
#18 Pucker your lips, and make him fight to get his tongue in while he’s kissing you.
Do you really want your guy to discover that he’s turned on by the idea of forcible sex?
#20 Using a silky tie, gently bind his hands behind his back. Then torture him with a slow striptease.
Ties from Thomas Pink cost around $150. That’s high end, but odds are if you picked a tie made from a nice material, he doesn’t want to get it dry cleaned to get out the lube or cum stains that end up on it. And he definitely doesn’t want to accidentally rip or stretch it. If you want to act out one of your fantasies, use your own silky scarf, not our silky tie.
#24 Stay silent until you’re about to orgasm…then let yourself go. your animalistic noises will drive him wild.
Ladies, your sounds are half of the way we know we’re getting you off (the other half is what got other girls off). If you stay silent, not only are you less likely to have an orgasm, we’ll probably get very weirded out, especially if you’re normally quite vocal.
#25 Make him “stir” by swiveling his hips in a circle. He’ll hit every part of you.
This is probably taken from the weird moves in soft core porn. (Soft core porn is where the sex is simulated; there’s no actual penetration.) If he’s inside you and you try to move him like this, you will hurt his penis. We don’t like our penises bent, sprained, or broken. It makes for bad sex.
#48 Sway your hips from side to side during doggie-style instead of back and forth in order to hit new nerves.
Same problem, our dicks don’t move that way. You’re going to hurt us, and not in a good way.
#50 Place one hand at the base of his shaft, and twist the tip with the other–like you’re opening a jar.
Penises don’t twist. Don’t try to twist it. It will not open, it will break. If you think a penis works like a jar, maybe this is why you’re always need a man to handle opening jars for you.
#54 During missionary sex, place your feet on his chest with your legs crossed to create an extrasnug grip.
…Whaaaat? I’m no Sting, but I’ve gone through all the basic positions and almost all the semi-pro stuff, and I just don’t understand how this can possibly work.
#55 Lightly wrap a cheap beaded necklace around his package, and then move it back and forth.
The problem here is “cheap.” Cheap beaded necklaces often have little seams on the beads and minor imperfections. These little flaws, combined with a little back and forth can easily result in serious chaffing, or worse, bleeding. I like the idea, but chances this will go wrong are just too high.
#62 Have sex in an empty bathtub. The confined space keeps you close and forces you to get creative.
Bare skin against dry platsic or porcelain? Sounds like a good way to get tub-burn. Just draw a bath, add some bubbles and enjoy the same creativity-forcing confined space. And be careful of the faucet. Some cheaper models can be sharp on the underside.
#71 Set your cell-phone alarm for 3 am., and wake him up for a quickie.
Don’t expect us to be able to perform when we’re tired, disoriented, and pissed off that you set your alarm for 3 am. Instead, set your alarm for 45 minutes before you’d normally get up so you have plenty of time to get it on before work.